Ted Theodore Logan

It’s great to be back. Cubs have been looking pretty good during my hiatus.

Now, let’s focus on something that has been bothering me of late or at least since yesterday when I watched Constantine. For those of you who don’t know (and I fear that is most of you) Constantine is based on a graphic novel and it follows that tale of lung-cancer-ridden-former-suicide-current-demon-slayer John Constantine. It is basically up to good old John (played by Keanu Reeves) to stop the birth of the Son of Satan and maintain the balance of good and evil in the world in order to save Mankind. Now, there are few things I love more than bold graphic novels (and the movies based on them) that deal heavily in Catholic mythology and iconography. Seriously, I love that shit. In fact, some might suggest that The Ghost of Gene Siskel and I are working on such a piece. Others might suggest that I’m a complete dork. Anyway, it is not the plot of Constantine, the fact that former Bush front-man Gavin Rossdale has a speaking role, or even the nearly incoherent plotting of the film that bothers me. In fact, I was entertained, and Peter Stormare’s slightly-effeminate, vaguely-Southern Satan is one of the best portrayals of Lucifer I’ve seen. What bothers me is that people keep casting Keanu Reeves as The One. Seriously, that is a strange bit of typecasting to fall into. It’s not like always playing the cop, the coach, or the victimized wife, or even, as Matt Damon has demonstrated, the fast-talking-streetwise-genius. I mean playing the savior of all Mankind once is a pretty big deal, but Keanu’s basically made a career out of it, and he doesn’t even change his inflection or make any sort of facial expressions ever. Let’s break it down Grieco style:

Constantine: We just hit on some of the highpoints of this film, but there is more to discuss. That damn Shia LaBeouf is in it as the eager-sidekick-that-you-just-know-is- going-to-have-a-dramatic-death-scene. I don’t know why, but I totally hate this kid. Also, Academy Award Darling Rachel Weisz looks confused up there as she plays twins, wanders through Hell, and, like all of us, tries to figure out how Keanu Reeves keeps getting work. That said, there’s some nice angel/demon shots and Tilda Swinton makes the hottest Arch Angel Gabriel I’ve ever seen (sorry Walken in The Prophecy). Overall, I give it 2 ½-Griecos

The Matrix I, II, and III: OK. Neo is Keanu’s most famous portrayal of The One. I love the first one, think the second one pretty much sucks, and the third one is one of the worst films ever made. You know what these movies are all about, and Keanu’s acting style almost works as Neo has spent most of his life as little more than a computer program. Also, I once met Carrie Ann Moss when Kev won a contest that allowed us to fly to LA to meet the "Models Inc." girls. (Matrix Reloaded: 1 ½-Griecos; Matrix Revolutions: ½-Grieco)

Johnny Mnemonic: This film kind of gave birth to The Matrix trilogy. It’s set in a dystopic futureworld where everybody has barcodes on their necks and stuff like that. Reeves is the titular robot messenger who runs afoul of “The Corporation” and eventually must team up with a ragtag group of underground hackers to keep his head from exploding and to save Mankind. Reeves is a robot, so again, it kind of works. If you can make it through the second half of this complete and utter mess, I salute you. (1 ½-Griecos)

A Walk in the Clouds: I have no idea if Keanu saves the world in this one, because there is not enough cash or blowjobs in the world to make me sit through this pile of mung.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure/Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey: Okay, so he’s not The One in this, but he is one of The Two. What can I say; I love both of these movies. I think Bogus Journey is highly underrated. I mean Bill Sadler as Death is just awesome. There are Bergman spoofs, Steve Vai guitar licks, and Station (yeah, Station). (Excellent Adventure: 4-Griecos; Bogus Journey: 4-Griecos)

Alright, we’ve hashed it out. Apparently if you are born with perfect bone structure and a complete inability to act (see above and Bram Stoker’s Dracula) you are truly The Chosen. I don’t get it. I mean what the fuck? Seriously, how does he keep getting this kind of work? I know he’s handsome, but come on! OK, so he’s totally cool as Johnny Utah in Point Break.