HOME STALLONE

TGOGS, like brave Patroclus, has picked up the armor of Grieco, and gone into battle. Thank you valiant TGOGS.

In honor of #5’s heroic journey into the pits of insanity, I undertook a tributary Grieco post by watching four Stallone pictures in 48 hours. If I were truly heroic, I’d have done it in 24, but it didn’t occur to me to do so until day two.

Before I get going, let me just say that the Grumpy Santa tour has been a consistent source of delight, pity, schadenfreude and jaw-dropping wonder thus far, and it’s only 2/3 over. Though I truly fear for Numero Cinquo’s mental and physical safety, and that of those around him, I exalt him for this Herculean endeavor.

So I got this Stallone sampler DVD package at Best Buy (along with a copy of Varsity Blues). Contents: The Specialist, Over the Top, Tango & Cash, Demolition Man.

Aww yeah…

THE SPECIALIST

Mastermind behind the entire operation: Rod Steiger, whose Cuban kingpin character rivals Mickey Rooney’s beloved Chinaman with its subtlety, realism and cultural sensitivity.

AntiStallone: Jimmy Woods, who absolutely carries the picture. Pretty sure Gary Oldman watched this film a few times before he shot The Professional. Stallone and Woods were special ops or DEA or some shit, but Woods went too far and Stallone had to take him down. Now Woods is a crooked cop or FBI or some shit, working with Steiger, and he’s out to take Stallone down. And yell, and crack wise.

Love interst: Sharon Stone’s tits.

Stallone as: Ray Quick, tortured assassin trying to get out of the game. Explosives expert, the best. Mumbler. Lives in a sewer/batcave. Hates knives!

The rundown: Stone (the subtly named “Mae Monroe”) is trying to get Stallone to do a job for her. Before Sharon Stone was a wild-eyed, leathery hag, she was smoking hot. You forget sometimes. The two of them are communicating by telepathy. Or else by phone calls, the audio of which is superimposed over footage of the two of them looking sexy and pensive.

“I heard that you control your explosions, you shape your charges.”

“What I shape and who I shape it for is my business.”

He stalks/falls in love with her, and when she threatens to take on the bad guys all by herself if he won’t help, he finally agrees to do the deed. He’s gonna wipe out these four or so dudes that killed her father when she was a kid (which murder she witnessed from her hiding place in the closet, as evidenced by intermittent blue-tinted flashbacks). And wipe them out he does.

My take: The pyrotechnics are nice. Woods is doing vintage Woods. The whole explosives expert/hit man concept has all the ingredients. But the movie’s about as generic as they come. Even Stallone seems pretty bored throughout, except when he’s putting his paws on Basic Instinct’s bare flesh. There is, however, a nice lesson at the end, when Stone gleefully blows up Steiger herself: revenge killing is the best killing of all. And our heroes kiss and laugh and ride off into the sunset in a convertible.

I’m giving it: 2 ½ Griecos. Awesome and funny in all the ways one would expect, but somehow left me unfulfilled. In fact, I may have actually seen this movie before. I’ve almost forgotten it already.

OVER THE TOP

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Stallone’s past. He’s just tryin to make good.

AntiStallone: Robert Loggia, Stallone’s father-in-law, tan as all get-out. His daughter is dying and he wants custody of the grandkid.

Love interest: The heart and mind of his estranged son.

Stallone as: Lincoln Hawk, regretful trucker, arm wrestler. Mumbler. Ekes out a meager existence in his shitty old truck. Favors the suspenders/t-shirt look.

The rundown: This is an arm wrestling movie. I’m not sure what all else I need to say about it. Stallone is playing Rocky up there. His 10-year-old military school genius son hates him until Sly lets him drive the truck on the highway, then he loves him. Loggia reclaims the kid, and it looks like all is lost, until Stallone wins the big arm wrestling match with his signature move (they call it going “Over the Top”), and gets the money and the new truck and so then he gets to keep the kid. Yay!

My take: If you haven’t seen this movie, you’re really missing out. It’s one of the most absurd things ever put to film. And fully realized, at that. The kickass soundtrack features Sammy Hagar, Eddie Money, Kenny Loggins and the one and only Frank Stallone.

I’m giving it: 4 Griecos! I’m loath to do so as a guest reviewer, but this film simply demands all four. It is a triumph.

TANGO & CASH

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Jack Palance, criminal overlord of L.A. He sets up T&C, getting them behind bars and off the streets so he can run drugs and hang out in his evil genius conference room with impunity. But not for long…

The AntiStallone: The British thug, I suppose. Really, though, it’s Cash, isn’t it? Gabe Cash, the gritty, downtown yin to Tango’s slick, uptown yin. And boy, do these two yins clash, in the most homoerotic shower scene since Top Gun. Cash, as you know, is played by Kurt Russell’s hair.

Love interest: Also Cash. Too bad though, cause Cash loves Tango’s little sister, a permed-to-the-max Teri Hatcher. Uh-oh, Tango ain’t gonna like that!

Stallone as: Ray Tango, yuppie cop who’s in it for the thrill. Wildcard. Mumbler. Also, Russell mimic. When I told a pal I was going to watch this picture, he clued me into the predominant inflectory pattern used by both T&C. It goes something like this: Duh DUH...duh Duh duh Duh duh Duh…(etc.) It’s a wiseguy sort of thing. There should be a drinking game.

The rundown: Tango y Cash are superstar hotshot drug cops who compete for regular front page newspaper coverage. After Palance gets them into the stir, they spend the first half of the movie fighting for their lives and trying to break out. See, they get sent to the wrong prison, the one that houses all the toughs they ever put away, the one with flaming toilet paper raining from the sky and no prisoner supervision whatsoever. But with begrudging teamwork and sheer moxy, they bust out. Free at last, T&C set their sights on Palance, who has legions of underlings, one of whom is Russell’s personal nemesis and is played by James Hong, who also happens to portray Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China. Their explosive mission culminates in a truly ridiculous action sequence, where T&C get this Batmobile cum Hummer from Cash’s crazy underground inventor friend (Lazlo Hollyfeld meets Q (there’s also a boot-gun) ) and they take the vehicle to Palance’s lair, which is situated in the middle of a construction site, and so there’s an extended chase scene/shootout with dirt bikes, pickups, dune buggies, monster trucks and finally, heavy construction equipment. They eventually kill Palance in a nonsensical Enter the Dragon sequence, save Teri Hatcher, clear their names and high five.

My take: You’ve seen this movie, you don’t need my take.

I’m giving it: 3 ½ Griecos. Another high score. I don’t know that a film this popular really qualifies for what this site is all about, so it’s hard go gauge. Depending on how you view it, it could be a 3- or 4-Grieco movie. Add or subtract the extra half-Grieco for this film’s introduction of “F.U.B.A.R.” into the popular lexicon.


DEMOLITION MAN

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Sir Nigel Hawthorne, the corrupt leader of cultish utopia San Angeles (a.k.a. Future L.A.). Or is it a dystopia?

AntiStallone: Blonde Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix, psychopathic criminal extraordinaire.

Love interest: Sandra Bullock, prudish futurecop in a puritanical futureworld, ripe for the plucking.

Stallone as: John Spartan, pastcop, loose cannon. Mumbler. Crazy bastard with nothing to lose.

The rundown: In a somewhat post-apocalyptic 1996, Stallone busts arch-criminal Snipes, supposedly kills some innocents in the process, and they both get the Han Solo treatment. Forty years later, Hawthorn thaws out Snipes, having programmed him with secret codes and kung fu, so that Snipes can be his minion. Snipes is charged with eliminating Dennis Leary, who acts as the de facto leader of a quasi-resistance movement when he’s not busy doing tired “rant” material straight from his standup act. Hawthorne’s future-kingdom is one of liberal fascism – there’s no cussing, no booze, no smokes, no salt, no sex, no violence, constant surveillance. The cops are pussies who’ve never experienced real action. With Snipes on a rampage, there’s only one person who can take him out. So they defrost Stallone and he does just that.

My take: This film suffers from a genre identity crisis. It’s part camp (all restaurants in the future are Taco Bells), part banal social commentary (sex is performed via virtual reality, cause sex is getting too sterile, man, and it’s a slippery slope), and part run-of-the-mill cool future movie (gull-wing doors on all the cars). The banter throughout is on par with any of Stallone’s top pictures - “You’re gonna regret this for the rest of your life. Both seconds of it.” Overall, it’s a pretty big mess. For most of the movie I have no clue what they’re going for, and neither do they. Which is part of the reason I like is so much.

I’m giving it: 3 Griecos. The pseudo-Orwellian future jargon rules – seconds are called “tick tocks,” hello and goodbye are “be well,” and everyone is addressed by both first and last names (so you get to hear “John Spartan” and “Simon Phoenix” uttered over and over). Snipes has free reign to do whatever it is that Snipes does. And Stallone wears a beret.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT STALLONE

He doesn’t annunciate very well. His characters have amazing names. He can actually be natural and engaging when he’s ad-libbing, and they should let him do it more often. He’s best as a born loser or underdog type. His muscles are large, well-defined, and often oily.

Bonus trivia question: Two of these movies directly reference Rambo. Do you know which ones?

Well, that’s about enough out of me. Be well, #5, wherever you are. Be well.

It Ain't Easy Being Grieco

There comes a point in your life when you have to look in the mirror and admit that some weird shit comes your way. You've been a telephone psychic, you've sold stuffed bunnies door-to-door, you've handed out menus in a blizzard while wearing a chef's hat, you've starred in two fake Italian weddings, you've watched 27 hours straight of Twin Peaks at a local movie theater (just me?). I bring this up, because another strange event is upon me. I can't to into it, because it's for work, but I will say it involves flying to all 50 states in 11 days and a Santa suit.

That said, I am going to be on a strange journey for a time, and I will most likely dedicate GIK to that for a spell. While it strays from the premise of the blog, I would like to have a record of the insanity (hopefully with pictures). It all begins this weekend, and I will have work-oriented things to do along the way, but hopefully I will have some time to dedicate to GIK. I also plan to review airplane movies along the way, so that's kind of Grieco.

Anyway, stay bold. Chip Chip!

Back from Thanksgiving

The 4-day weekend was beautiful but too short. I have recovered from beige food overdose. I am going to try something new to try to get GIK back up and running on a regular basis. Start looking for posts to go up on the weekend. I hope to do at least two (maybe 3) a week still, but this whole work thing is kicking my ass, so Sat. and Sun. seem like the way to go. Also, I would like to open the floor to some guest posts. TGOGS, the People look to you to return to glory. The people look to you all. Just let me know if you've seen some Grieco-worthy pictures that you would like to tell the world (or at least 7 or 8 others) about.

Keep it Grieco!

Are You the One they Call Beowulf?

Last year, I wrote about checking out Friday the 13th III in its original 3-D form. It was awesome in its own love for the fledgling technology, placing broomsticks precariously close to the audience's eyes or popping popcorn into the third dimension for like 20 minutes. Well, the technology has come a long, long way, but the self-fascination remains, and as badass as 3-D is, you will still have the “hey look, this is totally 3-D” shots thrown your way.

With that, let's get down to Geats:

Beowulf (an epic post for an epic tale)
First off, this picture isn't just 3-D, it's crazy Zemeckis Polar Express (yeah, I saw it. What?) up there. You know, where (for the most part) the “cartoons” totally look like the actor who is playing them only with less pock marks and better abs. It kind of blows my mind. Anyway, here we go:

I am a huge fan of Beowulf. It is, in my opinion, one of the boldest tales ever told. It is pure metal at times, and it smacks of honor and the Norse. If you think it sucks because you had to memorize part of it in Olde English in high school, I suggest taking a look at the relatively new (2000?) Seamus Heaney translation. It kicks ass. “Wound-slurry.” All I'm saying.

As a lover of Beowulf, I was heard to remark “that's bullshit!” quite loudly in the theater when the first MAJOR plot discrepancy occurred like 10 minutes in, but luckily I was able to put that behind me and enjoy the sheer digital insanity to come.

Digital Hopkins guzzles mead with his thanes and frolics in his Hall, and all is well. Until Grendel shows up. Played by Crispin Glover (reunited w/ Back to the Future director Zemeckis), this Grendel owes more to the titular character of John Gardner's book than to the monster of the original. He is tragic, misshapen, and sad, and has bad hair and a pulsating eardrum that drives him to violence. He speaks Dutch or German or ESL to his mother until he is slain by Beowulf.

(note: once in a hotel in Chicago, I was in the lobby next to Mr. Glover. He was clad in all leather, and as he poured himself a cup of coffee, he rapped the words, “I am going to a party. I am going to party,” over and over again. It was 11:30 AM. It is, to this day, one of the greatest moments of my life.)

As the well-endowed mother of Grendel, digital Angelina Jolie seems a bit hotter than real life Jolie, as though the digital version has no love of orphans or home-wrecking, but only has love for you. She uses an accent similar to her “I'm kind of Russian” thing she does in Alexander. It's ridiculous, but I don't think that is what she'll be remembered for by most.

Once Grendel gets killed, there are some fantastic digital battles involving equally fantastic digital gore. There are blades and chalices, and oaths, and loss, and betrayal, and all the things you'd expect from such a picture. However, there is also some digital buffoonery with a non-seen Beo-penis that goes on way too long. There is also digital Malkovich who is awesome in the same ways as real Malkovich, and his character serves to work in some of the bizzaro Christian elements that the Monks forced into the book. There is also digital Robin Wright Penn, who I think I have a little crush on. Not the real Mrs. Wright-Penn, mind you. She seems like she could destroy me.

OK, so after the battles and ascensions to the thrown, there is a dragon chase that resembles every dream I have had since I was 12. There is also a moment when our hero slices the muscles in his own arm to bring him closer to the heart of the beast. But, where, I ask, was the high-flying guitar lick to underscore it?

Eventually, the movie reaches an ending similar to that of the book. There is a funeral pyre on a dragon ship and a flaming waterfall, and it's so very right. But then, there is the Sci-Fi Channel style “is the story really over?” ending, which is totally absurd.

If you can divorce yourself from the book (probably not too hard for many), this is a crazy 3-D ride. However, I must say this—the picture calls into question Beowulf's honor, and that I cannot abide. And so I give it 3-Griecos. Enjoy it. Love it. Battle it. And prepare for Ragnarok.

Also, prepare for Part II of this epic, in which I will break down the 3-D previews the lovely Sherpa and I saw before the movie.

3-D + Mead Hall = Kickass!

Saw Beowulf in all it's digital 3-D glory last night. As a purist, I had many problems. As a lover of all things 3-D and metal, I was nearly moved to triumphant tears. A tale this epic deserves an epic GIK post. I will have the first part of a two-parter on Monday. Until then, may you dream of Dragon's Blood and the honor of Wyglef!

Coming Soon to a Grieco Near You!

Hello GIK readers. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing my best to keep up with all things Grieco. I know I have only managed about 2 posts a week, but I promise to keep fighting the good Grieco as we move closer to Grieco is King: Year 3. Got some bold pictures on the way including Honey (so very bad), a 4-hour mini-series epic about unicorns starring Randy Quaid, and much more. You don't want to miss it, so keep checking back.

As always, Keep Grieco in your heart all year round, and fetch me the finest goose in all of London!

Sequels: Part I

I saw an enormous ad for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets the other day, and it got me pretty fired up. TGOGS and I left the Wonder Twins behind when the original Natty Treas hit the theaters and we loved it. Kind of. I mean it was way too long, but totally awesome none the less. Anyway, I'm sure Voight and Cage will make Part 2 even more ridiculous/kickass. The giant ad got me thinking about sequels, and how I have sort of stayed away from them as an entity on GIK. Well, that stops today with the first installment of what may or may not be a recurring segment.

Sure, we'll get into pointless sequels like Teen Wolf, Too or Fievel Goes West and disgraceful sequels like The Godfather III, but I wanted to kick things off with the worst "multiple sequels" of all time. Whether they're 2/3 of a trilogy or parts of a seemingly never-ending series, there's something really special about watching sequels get progressively worse.

Matrix Reloaded; Matrix Revolutions -- Hey, I have an idea. Let's take this Matrix thing out of the Matrix and eliminate everything that makes it cool. Oh, and let's really show off the fact that we once read a book on philosophy. What? You already did that Wachowski Bros? How'd that work out for you?

Halloween III; H2O; Halloween: Resurrection – OK, so Halloween III: Season of the Witch is simply one of the worst movies ever made. I would say watch it, but I don't know if you can make it through. I'd give it 1 1/2-Griecos on a good day, and it has nothing to do with Michael Myers, so it's just worthless. What bothers me about H2O and Resurrection is that they return to the Jamie Lee/Michael Myers story arc, totally ignoring Halloweens IV, V, and VI in the process. Now, VI has some problems, but the later sequels don't even account for IV and V, which are too good to be ignored. I mean, ultimately, Halloween IV is my favorite Halloween picture. There, I said it. Sorry John Carpenter, that's just how I feel. Anyway, glossing over IV and V is unforgivable in my book.

Alien 3; Alien Resurrection -- In the opening minutes of Alien 3, Reese and Newt are killed off without ever waking up from the “hyper-sleep” they were put into in Aliens. That's just wrong. You can't kill off two of the most beloved characters in the series without even giving them a line. Especially when one of those characters is played by Michael Biehn. It's like when Doug Masters dies in the opening scene of Iron Eagle II (we'll get to that at another time). Total bullshit. As for Resurrection; well I guess I don't like that word being in the titles of sequels. Also, this movie is more French than Sci-Fi, and not good French; annoying French. I mean, a quasi-cloned Ripley becomes some kind of a mother/lover to the Giger Alien, and there's all kind of womb imagery, and Winona Ryder is like Bram Stoker's Dracula bad. She might even be worse in this one. OK, probably not, but she's still really unwatchable.

So, there they are. The worst multi-sequels of all time. I'm sure I missed a few. Please let me know.

Behind the Mask

I know Halloween is over, but there is one more horror movie I need to talk about before I move on.

The lovely Sherpa and I returned to the ATX this weekend to kick it somewhat old skool with TGOGS and Obidiah. TGOGS suggested that we check out Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. While Behind the Mask never had a theatrical release (the sexiest kind of release if you ask me), it did show at the greatest movie theater in America, The Alamo Draft House, and TGOGS was lucky enough to see it.

The movie is set up as a documentary (a mockumentary if you will) that follows a slasher movie style killer as he prepares for the big night that will secure his place in supernatural killing lore. It is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while, and it breaks down the slasher movie in a way that even Scream didn't do. It also gives answers to all of those “how the hell did he get up and disappear after being shot six times questions” that you would ask if you ever wanted to punch holes in a horror plot. I don't want to give too much away, but the movie does transition into something different in the end.

The casting is dead on (Robert Englund and the little short old lady from Poltergeist even show up), and the movie is really entertaining. While it's never truly terrifying or anything, there is a great mask and some scary moments. As Behind the Mask combines two of my favorite genres, horror and mockumentaries, I was a little angry that I didn't think of this idea first. If you're a horror fan, you should definitely see it.

Say “Grieco” three times in the mirror and he will appear, drink all of your beer, yell shit at your TV, and then vanish. I dare you to try.

Shhh. The Doll Lady is Everywhere.

Halloween is finally here. I love it, but it saddens me, as I now have to let the spoookiness go until next year. However, I do have one day left for terror, and I am going to use it.

Myself, the lovely Sherpa, and our House Guest from the West Coast (HGWC) have spent the last week watching various horror movies and “documentaries” on the Travel Channel and Discovery. I'm a fan of the one where the guy goes to old English castles and says stuff like “I'm getting that a man named John or James once lived here." Really? You think in the last 800 years a British guy named John or James might have lived there? Crazy. I bet if I go to a family reunion I'll meet at least seven dudes named Frank. Am I psychic, now?

Sorry, I've lost track. Oh, so we've been getting in the spirit, and the ladies even carved some awesome pumpkins (Mr. Burns as Bram Stoker's Dracula is my favorite). We checked out Fright Night (doesn't hold up at all, but '80s dance scene is still hot) and HGWC suggested we check out Dead Silence...and so we did.

Dead Silence
When I first saw the preview for this in the theatre, I was really fired up. There was a creepy old chick who was way into equally creepy dolls. It seemed to have the makings, you know? I heard terrible things, though, so I kind of let it come and go. However, at the video store we decided to go all ventriloquist dummy, so we rented Magic (classic) and Dead Silence (uncut).

OK, so this movie has some of the worst dialogue you will ever here. This particular line is perhaps my favorite ever: “In the town where I'm from, a ventriloquist dummy is a bad omen.” Man, it just doesn't get any worse than that. Then, there's Donnie Wahlberg (on the back-up) playing a rough-around-the-edges cop. Unfortunately for all of us, Donnie has chosen as a his character quirk/actor trick to randomly shave with an electric razor at various points throughout the film. Seriously, he'll be like mid-conversation and just start shaving. I don't even know, man. I guess it's tough being in the shadow of the younger brother who you created.

Anyway, despite terrible dialogue, the electric razor, and gaping plot holes, there are some legit scares in Dead Silence. I have to admit, it was much scarier than I thought it was going to be. You have to fight through a lot of nonsense to get there, but when it delivers, it really delivers (the mortuary scene is particularly frightening). HGWC and I are both huge horror fans and have seen many a scary picture in our day, and I will tell you, we both had nightmares about Dead Silence after watching it. The Lovely Sherpa, however, did not, and I've seen her get scared by commercials, so take it for what it is.

That said, I'm giving Dead Silence 3-Griecos. I like the scares, I like the twists, I love the horrible dialogue. I would have given it 3 1/2-Griecos, but there is this CGI tongue that kind of ruins a lot of scenes.

Happy Halloween! May the shades and wraiths be with you.

I am Robin of Locksley!

The lovely Sherpa sent me a great article from MSNBC chronicling the worst movie accents of all time. It seemed like a very Grieco article, and the writer even seems to posses a bit of that Grieco rage, so you really need to check it out.

It starts out talking about Russell Crowe's accent in the previews for American Gangster, and I'm glad somebody is talking about it. The man sounds ridiculous. It reminds me of when I had to play a Romanian in a play in college and I basically came in with my really bad imitation of hated Chicago Bull Tony Kukoch (who is, by the way, not from Romania). Crowe isn't tapping into his inner Eastern European, but he is butchering the New York accent. I know, I know, it's already pretty ugly, but it's not the generic nonsense Crowe seems to be bringing. Anyway, it's nice to see Crowe get called out. He's been a hack for at least like 5 years. Anyway, here's the list (and my thoughts):


Dick Van Dyke (Mary Poppins): OK. He has a point. But it's Van Dyke, man.

Brad Pitt (The Devil's Own): I can't believe I haven't brought this picture up before. Pitt's Irish dialect truly rivals some of the worst shit you've ever heard. It makes Cruise in Far and Away sound like Colm Meaney.

Angelina Jolie (Alexander): Sadly, I haven't seen this movie, and I am sure it is pure Grieco. I can't stand Jolie, though, so I am sure it's a dead-on selection.

Gary Oldman (State of Grace): So many bizarre Oldman accents to choose from. I like that he went with this one as it's an American (NY) accent he butchers. Those Brits are so fond of mocking us for our poor dialect work. How does it feel now, Brits? Yeah, that's right. Probably similar to the way it felt when Prime Minister Lord North resigned, huh? Yeah, Treaty of Paris, son!

Uma Thurman (Henry and June): OK, this is one of Sherpa's favorite movies, so I invite her to comment on the validity of this entry on the list. I will say that this movie, much like Basquiat, makes me want to kill people.

Tim Robbins (Mystic River): This is a bold entry, because Robbins won the Oscar for this. I have to say that I couldn't get past the whole “vaguely retarded” thing he was doing to even really deal with the accent.

Winona Ryder (Bram Stoker's Dracula): What more can I even say about her performance in this movie. Please read “Hang Your Head in Shame” for a different take at what is one of the worst performances of all time. He could have put Keanu in here, but as he suggests, that's just too easy. Not too easy for me, as I listed it as the worst "non-Costner" accent of all time. Oh, and while you're at it, check out “Hang Your Head in Shame II.” I like that one.

Forest Whitaker (The Crying Game): Another bold entry. Haven't seen it in long time. Kind of forgot he was British in this, but I do remember a cricket outfit, so that makes sense I guess. Stephen Rea and the dulcet tones of Mr. Simon LeBon more than make up for it.

Liam Neeson (Schindler's List): Those of you who know me, know this picture is on the list. Haven't and shan't see it. Let me know if Neeson is really worth a mention here.

Special Award: Kevin Costner (Robin Hood, JFK, A Perfect World, 13 Days): Man, so bold. English, New Orleans, Texan, New England. It's as though Costner can do no right. This man is arguably the worst actor of all time. However, I love A Perfect World and anything he plays baseball in. That said, you knew a special spot had to be reserved for him.

Spooooky! ('07)

Last week, I highlighted some of the worst Halloween movies that the SciFi channel had to offer. Last year, in a post cleverly titled Spooooky!, I tried to highlight some horror movies that I feel the people need to see. Not the classics, but ones that have, for some unknown reason, been missed by far too many. I would now like to do the same thing again in honor of Halloween '07 (the holiday, not the Zombie remake).

Let me start by saying that cable has been very disappointing this year. Last year, you couldn't check the guide in October without seeing a range of kickass titles. Sadly, they seem to be few and far between this time around. But I'm still hopeful, as there is still a week until All Hallows Eve.

OK, so here are a few horror pictures that I'm into that you may have overlooked. Please submit your own lists, and perhaps we can all find a bit of terror before the end of the month.

Damien: Omen 2 and Omen 3: The Final Conflict
All right, let's get something straight. The original Omen is, in my opinion, one of the finest horror films out there. Greg Peck, the insane music, the dogs, Mrs. Baylock (who, by the way, was totally hot when she was young), all of it. I have told many people to see it, and if you still haven't, please make it happen this year. Now, the Omens 2 and 3 are not even in the same ballpark as the original. However, they're way more Grieco.

Damien: The Omen 2 finds the Antichrist hitting puberty. He has all kinds of bullshit at military school to deal with, and then he finds out that he is the Beast and that the armies of the world will gather at Megiddo in his name to bring seven years of pestilence or whatever on us all. It's hard being a teen. The movie has some nice deaths (bird-inflicted is my favorite) and a few creepy moments. You also find out the truth about Damien's animal mom, and "Hollywood" from Mannequin makes an early film appearance.

Omen 3: The Final Conflict introduces us to a smooth talking ladies' man of an Antichrist played by Sam Neill. Men wanna be him and chicks wanna be with him (in the Satanic biblical sense). The highlight of this piece is the group of renegade monks who have come into possession of the daggers that can extinguish Damien both in spirit and body. They're a ragtag group of do-gooders out to save the world. Neill also has some Iago-esque soliloquies delivered to a life-sized reversed crucifix that always seem to start off with “Nazarene, you...” It's kind of awesome. However, the fact that Damien has dedicated his anti-life to learning the Bible and his place in it, and then he totally bricks on the return of Christ is pretty weak. Still worth checking out, though. (note: if you still use a video store, there is a chance these movies will not be together, as some stores use Damian and Final Conflict when alphabetizing.)

Something Wicked This Way Comes
A while back, the lovely Sherpa and I rented Watcher in the Woods, and I was very sad to see that it was totally ridiculous and not scary at all, as it freaking terrified me as a child. However, unlike Watcher, I believe Something Wicked This Way Comes totally holds up. Full disclosure: I watched this in Chicago, and the cough syrup fairy had recently sprinkled her magic dust over me, so that may have something to do with it. But Jonathan Pryce is still freaky, the music is creepy, and the idea of the book that inspired the film clearly inspired King to write like seven of his 4,000 books.

Night at the Opera
The Queen and Blind Guardian albums of the same name are also awesome. However, I will briefly focus on this Argento picture. It has one of the craziest scenes I have ever seen. It involves pins and eyelids and is not for the faint of heart. If CTC would be so kind to elaborate on this film, I believe he could convince most of you to see it. CTC, the ball is in your court.

So that's what I got. Please feel free to comment and add to the list.

Time to Get Spooooky

With Halloween quickly approaching, I want to put together at least a few posts celebrating my favorite holiday of the year (take that Birth/Resurrection of Jesus!). Sorry. That was uncalled for. Especially when effing Flag Day is really the bain of my existence.

Anyway, to get things started, I have returned to the familiar stomping grounds of the Sci-Fi network. They're offering some bold pictures for the Halloween season. Here are some titles to look out for. I'm using the Sci-Fi promo copy to describe them, because it's too good to mess with. I'll throw my $.02 in, as well.

Wraiths of Roanoke: "They came from England to tame the New World, only to become the prey of an ancient evil."

--The lovely Sherpa and I caught about 7 minutes of this gem. It looks fantastic. People wearing colony garb; talking in colony speak. The guy who played the Highlander on the TV show (apparently, there can be more than one) is the lead colony dude, and a guy who did voice work in what I believe is the third installment of The Mangler is also in it, so you know it's good. I caught a glimpse of a fine pilgrim woman, a terrible leftover set from Last of the Mohicans, and a dangling corpse.
Projected Grieco Rating: 3-Griecos

The Grave Dancers: "Three friends accidentally invoke an ancient curse that can kill them all."

--I hate it when that happens. The poster features what I guess is one of the titular villains. He looks like a cross between Gollum, a C.H.U.D., Pumpkinhead, and a kindly old dwarf professor.
Projected Grieco Rating: 4-Griecos

Something Beneath: "Subterranean Humanoids prey on scientists at an ecological summit."

--Speaking of C.H.U.D.s. The poster for this looks like a cheap X-files ripoff, and while I applaud the topicality of an eco summit, it sounds kind of lame.
Projected Grieco Rating: 2 1/2-Griecos (the ½ is for the subterranean humanoid)

Hopefully, these three spoooky films will get you started. I'll try to find some horror films that are actually good to highlight, as well. Your suggestions, as always, are welcome. Oh, Sci-Fi also just showed a movie in which a guy receiving oral pleasures from a hooker finds that whilst in the process, the hooker has been decapitated by a really quiet psycho killer. I'm looking for the title as we speak, because I'm pretty sure that will bust the Grieco rating system altogether.

T'ai Chi in Space

From the moment I saw the preview for The Fountain, I was fired up. It looked bold in every way with a future-past epic quality that I find irresistible. Sadly, it was out for like three days in the ATX, so I missed it. But now that I am not on the run from the cable company, I can use the old pay-per-view again, so the lovely Sherpa and I threw down a virtual $3.95 to check out Aranofsky's latest opus while Fox found it necessary to show the Redskins/Lions game. Seriously, 'Skins/Lions? That's what you're bringing to the table?

The Fountain
At its core, The Fountain is about the search for eternal life, or the acceptance of death, or a quasi-mythical dying nebula that symbolizes the universality of all things and shows us clearly that only through death can we achieve eternal life...or some other bullshit like that.

We open on Hugh Jackman as a sword-wielding Conquistador fighting his way through a Mayan temple in search of the Tree of Life. He comes face-to-face with a man who wears a headdress of mighty horns and brandishes a flaming sword. Totally badass. Everything I had hoped for.

Cut to: A bald Hugh Jackman sitting in the lotus position amidst an open-chakra-inspired tripscape that looks like something hippies jack off to. Not nearly as kickass as flaming swords.

Cut to: A modern day Hugh Jackman with a decent haircut and a strong jaw. I have to give it him, he's a handsome man. In modern times, Hugh is a doctor married to Rachel Weisz. Poor Rachel is dying and somewhat forcing her American dialect. She's OK with what cancer will do to her, but Hugh isn't. Luckily, he's a doctor conducting monkey surgery and experimenting with a concoction made from the sap of a mysterious tree found in South America or Florida. I missed that part.

Anyway, Rachel has written a book (all but the last chapter) called The Fountain. She wrote it with an oldschool pen and an ink well, which I am envious of, because if I tried to write a book that way I would surely quit after Chapter 1. As Hugh reads the book, we move back and forth between Inquisition-era Spain (Weisz is the Queen), modern time monkey surgery, and futuristic Downward-Facing Dog Land. Weisz asks Hugh to finish the book, but he's not down. He only wants to cure his Love and, like so many alchemists before him, find a way to stop Death. Sadly, poor Rachel dies just as Hugh discovers that he's discovered a cure. Now, he will finish the book and come to terms with loss and all that.

OK, at times The Fountain looks awesome. At other times, not so much. And the sight of a bald Hugh Jackman sitting with legs folded/palms to the sky in a floating bubble is just laughable. As is the image of his shadow doing T'ai Chi in front of a star-speckled backdrop. At times, the movie is also incredibly sad, and if you're a little girl like me, you might even shed a tear. However, at other times, the dialogue reads like a bad episode of "Days of Our Lives" without that cool guy who wears the patch. Patch, I believe, was his name.

I had no intention of going Grieco on The Fountain, but floating, golden-light-bathed Hugh demands it of me. The nebula “Shibulba” demands it of me, and the poor fake monkeys that had to undergo surgery demand it of me.

I give The Fountain 2 ½ – Griecos. Had it just been the Spain/Mayan stuff, it easily would have been 4.

Name that Movie: Is it...Naked Demon Summoning Circle?

Last week, I was flipping through the channels (finally got cable!) and testing myself as I am wont to do. The test is to see how quickly I can name the movie that is showing. My goal is always to get it before I hear a line of dialogue, and as my former roommates can attest, I'm pretty damn good at it. Yes, I have quite an exciting ninjaesque life. Anyway, on this particular night, I was totally stumped. I stared on and had absolutely no idea what I was watching. I couldn't even begin to come up with something. The scene, however, was totally amazing, so I let it go.

A young Alexis Arquette (The lovely Sherpa nailed that, I didn't recognize him out of drag) was walking around some sort of sacred circle. From the lighting, you could tell some dramatic ritualistic shit was about to go down. Finally, a ring of flames emerges in that “hey, we totally just lit a ring of gasoline” type way. Then, what you think is a demon emerges. At first it's a bit gooey and gross, and the demon has kind of a weird pengina. Like a doll or a Swede. But then it goes into that wacky sort of fast-forward editing (like you'd see in a movie starring Sindbad), and the demon transforms into a teen, and he and Alexis engage in some witty banter/what-do-you need-me-to-do-master talk.

My question is this: What the hell movie was I watching?

I did some work on IMDB, and I'm pretty sure I figured it out, but if any of you know it or have a guess, I would love to hear it. I'd also like to get this going as a regular segment, but I tend to have big hopes that never quite work out when it comes to that stuff.

Silence, S'il Vous Plait.

Rage Goes On: CTC Defends/Trashes Halloween

The Halloween debate continues here at GIK. BTS and myself have weighed in, and now CTC (a relative newcomer to the world of Grieco) lays forth his treatise:

Here is an interesting little fact that I don’t know if you are aware:
I saw Halloween 2 before I saw the original, so to me, Carpenter’s
version was a very interesting back-story to what I had assumed in my
youth was a slash-em-up spookfest. I feel this perhaps gives me
perspective – even on the original – regarding questions I had that
were not answered in Carpenter’s and how perhaps they were better
addressed in Zombie’s, but alas, I digress.

Let me begin by siding with Mssr. BTS in his estimation of Zombie’s
body of work. I prefer Corpses to Rejects because I feel it is a
better example of what he ultimately is as an artist – a homageur. The
characters that he created for Corpses are less Chainsaw and more
specifically the lesser-known Midnight (aka Backwoods Massacre) by
John Russo of Night of the Living Dead fame (and interestingly Tom
Savini’s first picture). While this may seem immaterial, it speaks to
the depth of small nods he makes throughout the film (in Halloween,
the appearance of Ken Foree and Brad Dourif). While I agree with Mssr.
BTS’s claims regarding the exploitative nature of Rejects, I felt it
ultimately was some psycho road film in which the actors were asked to
review their previous performances and show up on set ready to work.

In looking to compare someone as stylized as Zombie to someone so
seemingly hands-off as Carpenter, we must seek out those elements of
Zombie that we can detect and ask why did he treat this aspect
differently than ol’ what’s-his-nuts. To me, it comes down to very
basic aspects: the mask, Dr. Loomis, Michael’s back-story, and Laurie.

Remember that time in the original when Carpenter took the time to add
significance to the mask and why Michael felt compelled to wear it
even in the face of an escaping victim? Didn’t think so. Zombie not
only shows us a young Michael showing propensity towards face-wear
prior to his initial murders, he gives that actual mask gravitas
through Michael’s ultimate return to the scene of the crime to
retrieve the objects that emotionally tie him to that place and the
events of his past that have brought him to his current state. Also,
you have to admit, it was pretty freaky in an almost medieval way that
the young Michael began to vanish behind his shroud and as he aged,
created and surrounded himself with various horrific visages to
reflect his own inner-ugly.

And to that point, I must address Dr. Sam “Sutherland in Animal House”
Loomis. While I agree with you that the portrayal of this character is
uckingfay udicrouslay, it brought to the fore hitherto undiscussed
aspects of his character (strike 2, Mr. Carpenter). While the mystery
of the originals “bogeyman is true” (ironically, far better executed
in Corpses) is an unique element, in today’s world of Court TV and
true-crime obsession, a kid who killed his family would be
international news and therefore would make the man who was in his
care, somewhat of a de-facto celebrity, ie. Vincent Bugliosi, attorney
against the Manson family. In that line of thinking, I can take no
real issue (other than “it wasn’t like that in the real one”) with
Loomis doing a book tour. But why was Pleasance merely an exposition
device with a pistol? McDowell’s Loomis has a journey which shows him
as a flawed character who must ultimately deal with the ramifications
of his own hubris (I said I could fix him and I failed miserably),
instead of a man possessed. Ahab, indeed, but Ahab with no reason
beyond “He got out. I got to get him.”
And now the back-story – For what it was, I thought the back-story was
great for what it was. Imagine that part of the movie as the basis for
any other movie and you would have a nice start to a new-age slasher.
The resistance can then only be “well it’s not how the other Michael
Myers was”. I realize that on the surface you have abusive family,
stripper mom, long hair, metal t-shirt. Let us not forget: Rob Zombie
is a ROCK STAR! Digging deeper into the prequel part, it was almost a
pastiche of modern research into the triggers of serial killing –
animal abuse, bullying, over-protective mothering, over-active
imagination (pretty much your run of the mill theater major, as well),
with the true inciting incident being the transfer of aggression from
a defenseless animal to the vengeance on a bully – which I don’t care
how squeamish you are – was the one of the more effectively brutal,
yet actually supported plot points I have seen in recent horror. And
to further respond, you said there was no suspense, what do you call
the moments beginning when he straps down the step-father through him
being in the back seat of the squad car? You knew what was going to
happen and he just walked you through it at his own twisted leisure.
“A” for effort, Rob.

Finally, we have the little sister. As I said, I saw part 2 before the
original, so I knew the back story, and still there is very little in
there at all. How does he even know what she looks like? I don’t
recall her saying “I’m adopted and this is the house where my crazy
brother killed everyone” in the moment where she drops the key off at
the house in the original. Whereas in this one, Zombie gives us the
picture. Zombie gives us a memory of him showing tenderness towards
her as a baby. Zombie gives some existence of a family after Michael
is whisked away into Loomis’ care as opposed to Carpenter’s dreamy
isolation during Loomis’ therapy. Did Michael want to kill her? I
don’t know… and it gives Michael… here we go – an inner-conflict! Oh
my God! Did Rob Zombie give Michael Myers a journey?

All in all, I’d see it again, but it was not that good. B-

BTS Coins Phrase, Reviews Halloween

BTS has returned from a viewing of the new Halloween and has posted a comment on the picture, my review, and "WTEG." Here is BTS' take on the situation (CTC, where is yours, sir? Where is yours?):

I just saw Halloween. First let me say that I really like Zombie's other films. The Devil's Rejects is pretty much as over the top as you can go. He has a nice clear mission of taking the genre (which is not really horror) to another level. The fact that he chose to take on a masterpiece like Halloween proves that he may be a fucking idiot. Like I said, horror is not his genre. He makes white-trash-exploitation gore (WTEG). To use this treatment on the Halloween concept is patently abhorrent. It's the worst. This is a class-less, crappy and worthless piece of cinema. Basically like if Grindhouse were a remake of Wild Strawberries or something (wait, that might be a really good idea...).

I hated this film so much that I really really wanted to leave the whole time. However, my viewpoint is a good bit different from MC's. I found no evidence of Zombie's skill here, and I thought the nods to the original series were a little insulting. Also, the only tolerable thing about the film was McDowell's performance. I love that man. And what else is he going to do with what Zombie gave him than play Polonius??!! All in all, whatever. This movie should be burned and forgotten forever.

Rage Not Stopped: Zombie Butchers Halloween

Spoiler Alert: This is a rare occurrence for GIK. I am going to review a movie that just came out that many of you might actually want to see, so if you don't want to know plot details of the new version of Halloween, please stop reading. However, if you would like to hear about how Robb Zombie wasted my time and kind of crapped on my favorite horror movie, please feel free to peruse the following:

Halloween
Now, I've complained about horror remakes before, but this one was different. Like many of you, I am a bit obsessed with Halloween and Michael “The Evil on Two Legs” Myers. Since I was appalled by H2O and didn't even bother to see Resurrection (as they totally ignore 4, 5, and 6), I was excited to see Halloween get back to its roots. I was also excited because people who are smarter than me tell me that Zombie is a great director. I personally couldn't make it through House of 1,000 Corpses, but Zombie has always seemed like a cool guy that I would like to party with, so I give him the benefit of the doubt.
That being said, there are moments in Halloween where you can see that the man has some true skill, but they are few and far between.

Problem 1: The Prequel
Zombie basically made the decision to turn Michael into the protagonist of the movie. While many of you will argue that Michael is the protagonist of the original series, he is not the protagonist of the original film, as that honor lies with Laurie (Jamie Lee) or Loomis if you really understand what it's all about. Because Michael is now the central figure, we are treated to what was probably 30 minutes but seemed like an hour and half of his youth. Gone is the cherub in the pristine clown costume from the original. Now, Michael is the product of a white trash fantasy. His mom is a stripper with a heart of gold, his stepfather is an abusive drunk, and everybody says fuck all the time. Michael spends his days killing small animals, getting picked on at school, wearing Kiss shirts, and covering his face with a clown mask. We see him make his first kill (the beating of a bully with a baseball bat that is more bloody and violent than the entire original movie). Now, I am no puritan, but it all seemed a little out of place in a Halloween picture.
Ultimately, the background story reduces Michael Myers (aka The Shape) into a stereotypical abused kid-turned-killer. It makes him far less intriguing, and it's a pain in the ass waiting forever for him to turn into an adult.

Problem 2: The Giant
When we finally do get to see Michael all growds up, he's a giant. Seriously, the guy playing him looks like he's 6' 7” and about 300 lbs. He looks like a damn wrestler. I mean, he even wears this homemade mask when he's at Smith's Grove, and he totally looks like that WWF (cold day in hell when I call it WWE) guy (Kane?). Again, this is just one more thing that makes him less scary. Meyers is precise and relentless. You can run, jump, hide, climb a roof. It doesn't matter, Michael is going to just keep walking after you, and you are going to die. This Michael looks like he's going to throw you into the ropes and then hit you with a chair that Bobby “The Brain” Heenan threw him on the sly.

Problem 3: Loomis
Oh, shit this is a big one. Dr. Samuel Loomis is my favorite character in the Halloween series, and one of my favorite characters of all time in anything. As played by the incomparable Donald Pleasence, Loomis is part Lear, part Ahab, and all awesome. Well, Malcom McDowell's playing flippin' Polonius up there, people. It's bullshit.
Between the long-haired hipster Loomis in the '70s and the book tour Loomis of present day, it's all crap. McDowell (whom I usually like) just isn't bringing the gravitas or the madness. It sucks. He's got nothing.

Problem 4: Blood = Scary?
There are two legitimate scares in the film, and any other frightening moments are created entirely by Carpenter's original score. There is no suspense at all in the movie, and because Laurie is reduced to basically a minor character, you don't give a shit about her or Tommy Doyle (that's Paul Rudd in Part VI, son). It's just blood and brutality and not an ounce of subtlety. In an interview, Zombie said something like he wanted to make Michael Myers scary again. Well, he failed. The sense of dread that exists in the original is nowhere to be found, and the mystery and horror of Michael have been cast aside for typical tricks that every director who wants to be Tobe Hooper seems to use. Speaking of, Halloween isn't Chainsaw, and most of the crap that's getting slung in this movie doesn't work for either anyway.

The Good
OK, now that I've gone off, let me say that there are some good things about the picture. The 15 minutes before the last 15 minutes are solid. Michael's relationship to Laurie is much more clear (Carpenter kind of let it go and tacked it on to Part II), there are some nice homages to the first (Blue Oyster Cult), and best of all, the girl who plays Jaimie in Parts IV and V plays Annie in this. She's perhaps the best child actor ever (her “Uncle Bogyman” line is a heart-breaker and her scream is unrivaled), and luckily for her she grew up to be totally hot. There are some moments that will disturb you because you think of her as a little kid, but once you realize that in real life she's only two (or one) years younger than you, you should be OK. Oh, and I kind of have a little crush on Zombie's wife (she plays Michael's mother).

That's it. I don't fault Zombie for trying, but when you take on Halloween, you better bring something to the table, as BTS and I did for our outline of what should have been Halloween 7. This picture failed me in many ways, and made me angry in many others.

CTC, I await your rebuttal.

Where Have All the Drifters Gone?

As I prepare myself for the upcoming long weekend and opening night of the Halloween remake, I am reminded that the Summer movie season is coming to an end. Now, as far as blockbusters go, it was a fairly bold season. Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Bourne 3, Potter 5, Transformers, etc. I missed Pirates, liked Spidey because I'm a Spider Man/Raimi nerd, was a bit disappointed in Potter because Book 5 is my favorite and they left way too much out, flipping loved Bourne because I love Bourne, and almost cried when Optimus Prime transformed for the first time because I long for my youth. Heck, I was even way into Invasion, so overall for me it was a standard decent summer movie season. But where was the Tokyo Drift of aught-seven? Where was the action picture starring B or even C stars like Lucas Black and that kid who plays Lance Harbor in Varsity Blues? Was it out there, and I just missed it? Summer can't just be about sequels and movies based on stuff. We need our ensemble of walking stereotypes like ID4, our glorious failures like National Treasure, and our low-budget/low-concept pieces that focus on the exploits of a young American trying to learn how to live, how to love, and how to drift on the streets of Japan.

If there was a Driftesque picture out there this summer and I missed it, please let me know. If not, let us devise one ourselves and show those fat cats down in Hollywood a thing or to.

DTLMF

TV Themes (Part 2)

Hello All,

Thanks for the great responses to the TV theme question. All bold in their own right. I know there are still more out there, so if you haven't submitted, do so on What Would We Do Baby...?
I'm going to try to put together a full list for next week, so those of us too lazy to read the comments can get a quick look.

So, no "This Week in Grieco" this week. I've decided to make it "This Fortnight in Grieco," because that seems more Grieco to me. Look for it next Friday. Have a good weekend, and look to GIK next week, because I'm going to get down and dirty with some talkies.

What Would We Do Baby...?

I've been watching a bit of "Veronica Mars" (fuck you, it's awesome) with the lovely Sherpa, and I find myself humming the catchy Dandy Warhols' opening theme. It's made me start thinking a lot about TV theme songs. Now, I know one man's Alan Thicke is another man's Johnny Mathis, but there are some themes that have stood the test of time regardless of who you're into, am I right? So, GIK readers, I put the task to you to single out the greatest TV theme song of all time. Please tell me and the others out there which song is the best, and why it's the best. Perhaps I can then make a mix tape and ask Brooke out to the social. I mean I think she was looking at me in P.E.

Oh, I'm putting out the "Twin Peaks" theme as the best of all time. It's perfick in every way. Sometimes, I wish it had the lyrics with it, but other times I'm glad it doesn't. I had the single when I was a kid, and my jam box would flip the tape over (suck on that, iPod), so I would fall asleep listening to both versions over and over. Then, I'd wake up and kill the homecoming queen.

Brothers in Grieco (17-August)

Hello, All.

I know things can get a little insulated over here at GIK, so I wanted to start shedding some light on some Brothers in Grieco out there; those who are tackling the big issues like bad movies, haircuts, and anything else that's worth learning about. For instance, I heard about a bike ride/pie eating contest today. That's something the people should know about.

Anyway, here is the first entry in what I hope will become a weekly segment:

Henry Rollins and Some Vertical Splitting
Brian over at Horror Movie a Day is truly a warrior. He has a level of commitment that I have never been able to muster, and he has a vast collection of movies. Check out his review of Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This picture brings to mind the bold energy of a Savage Dawn with Henry Rollins filling in for Lance Henricksen.

Col. Chappy Sinclair Mocked
While I would have liked to see Gymkata make the cut, The Best Article Every Day put forth a truly worthy look at the Top 5 Most Ridiculous Movie Plots of All Time.

Zombie Apocalypse
Enjoyed Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave, but never felt like you truly understood it all? Visit Screwed Uncle and get an in depth breakdown of the demise of Peter Coyote's career and this film that would pave the way for such GIK hits as House of the Dead.

Have a Grieco weekend.

What's on SciFi?

SciFi is rockin' a disaster theme this weekend, and it should be kickass. If you have no plans, I suggest you settle in for Fire: Nature Unleashed at 6:00 AM and then just see where the day takes you.

Voight in Tights!

When you've seen as many Grieco-worthy pictures as I have, you start to become a bit desensitized to crap. That's why I get really excited when I see a part of a movie that's so absurd it truly blows my mind. I had one of these glorious moments this past weekend.

After celebrating the lovely Sherpa's birthday, I returned home with three drunk, attractive ladies. In the old days, I would have been very excited about this, especially seeing as how there was a red head, a blonde, and a brunette. However, these days, the giggling and insane ramblings about men just bring more gray hair to my head. While two of the ladies postulated about the perfect man (apparently it's Harrison Ford) and tried to determine why people were mean, and while the lovely Sherpa tried to help them keep it down as to not wake the neighbors, I retreated to scan the 4 English-language TV channels I'm currently rocking.

Just as I was about to drift off, I saw it. A sight I never thought I would, nay, could see. It was Jon Voight in dublet and hose astride a horse prancing through an Arthurian backdrop. There are some actors who should never be in period garb. It has nothing to do with their talent, it just doesn't work (Pacino in Looking for Richard anyone?) Voight was comical and surreal and awesome. I quickly got sucked into the Palace intrigue. It seems that when the King (Wilfred Brimley—fuck yeah!) dies, the peaceful Voight will ascend to the throne. However, his warlike brother, Armand Assante, has something to say about that. On the night Voight marries his love, Assante stages a kidnapping and pins it on a rival nation a la The Princess Bride. But this is tragedy, my friends. Voight finds the body of his beloved in the forest, draws her close, and rails against the sky. Then—Boom! We're in modern times. (pause to reflect)

I literally shouted when the change came, because I truly didn't see it coming. It was the most Grieco thing I've seen in a very long time.

After Sherpa returned from the tiny beers and lip gloss party that was taking place on the patio, she did some serious Hound cross-checking and helped me discover that the movie was called Eternity and that Voight had co-written the screenplay (with God, perhaps?)

Anyway, back to the modern Voight. We learn that he is a reporter, and he believes he has shared a past-life experience with a woman close to the story he is working on. She, of course, is his Princess from the beginning. Assante and Brimley also show up in modern (Late '80s actually) roles that mirror their roles in the past. Soon after, I fell asleep. If you want to know how the picture turns out, you can get an in depth look at it from the good people of Agony Booth.

As for me, I'm giving it 4-Griecos, cuz that's how I roll. Voight in tights, a time shift. If you can't get behind that, may Hades ope its fierce maw and swallow you into Darkness.

This is Spartan!

So, I now know what my hell will be. A TV with no cable and 7 of 11 channels broadcast in a language I don't speak. That's how I am rolling in the new house, and it's made keeping up with Lifetime, SciFi, and the myriad other bad movie outlets very difficult. However, it has allowed me to enjoy shows such as "Don't Forget the Lyrics" and 21 Dance club, which is a local show that is basically a Krump-off. It's awesome. Seriously, this kid went up there kind of dressed like Erkel and talked like Erkel, and then just krupmed the shit out of the place. Anyway, my no-cable situation (soon to be rectified) has made the lovely Sherpa and I focus on our DVD collection. We hooked up our shit in stereo and watched 300 the other night. Totally metal, y'all. A movie entirely about honor, and you know I'm into honor. But I didn't come here to talk about honor and abs. Oh, no. With Sparta on my mind, I started flipping through the 4 English language channels I have. Now, with no guide, I've been forced to rely on my superior training (The Video Hound Game) to figure out what I'm watching. At first, when I gazed upon a portly Val Kilmer with terribly dyed hair, I was confused. Then he opened his mouth and spoke the forced, stilted, rapid patter that could only be Mamet's, and I knew I was watching Spartan.

Now, I didn't make it through this picture, but Kilmer's hair alone makes it worth checking out. I think it's supposed to be brown, but it looks reddish and entirely unnatural. You'd think if they'd let him on screen at 40 lbs. overweight, they'd let him on screen with gray hair, but no. So, there's Kilmer's hair, Booby Miles from FNL, and some intrigue, but it just doesn't seem to work on any level. Now, as a theatre kid I have spent my time kneeling before Mamet and calling him the fuck--what's the-you know--the f--I can't even--it's too many--too many--you fucking--c--shut up--bubby, but now I just think he's kind of a hack. Don't get me wrong, I still love Glengary and American Buffalo is pretty cool, but he seems to have become a caricature of himself. He's like the Robin Williams of playwrights. That said, check out Spartan for Kilmer's hair, oddly timed pauses, and a fading glimmer of all that was once Iceman.

And Happy Birthday to Sherpa and Obidiah! Wonder Twins Powers Activate! Form of an ice bucket.

An Apology to Capser

Readers of GIK know that I have not been kind to Capser Van Dien over the past two years. Although his films such as The Omega Code and Starship Troopers rank among my favorites, I take some delight in mocking his strong jaw, clenched teeth, and unwavering hair. Perhaps it is mere jealousy that causes me to do so. For if I were Casper, I would, indeed, be taller. My Napoleon Complex aside, Casper does bring some of all this upon himself with many of his acting choices. However, the other day I derided him for not being as famous as thought he would be, suggesting that he was an ego maniac and utterly deluded. Well, last night, the lovely Sherpa and I watched Sleepy Hollow (A perfect movie for us; Goth enough for her, not too over-the-Goth for me.) and we checked out the special features. In all of his interviews, Casper is just so jazzed to be a part of it. Early on in shooting, he got hit with a sword, and his finger was broken and blackened, but he showed some heart and kept going. And although he doesn't necessarily seem like the smartest kid in the class, he does seem like he's really trying hard up there, and I have to respect that. Not like that punk Chad Michael Haircut who clearly couldn't give a shit as to what set he's on as long as there is tail to chase. Anyway, I would like to tell Casper I'm sorry for judging him so harshly. Will his films continue to appear on GIK? I am sure almost every movie he makes is destined for this site. But that doesn't mean he's a bum. Casper, you may have honor sir, and I applaud you for it. Good luck to you and your many, many children.

The Bourne Cephalopod

Two weeks ago, myself and my former college roomates ( I was living with them at the time) settled down to watch Super Gator, another original movie from one of the three gnomes that writes all of the stuff on the SciFi channel. While it was a semi-awesome, semi-softcore picture staring Judi Dench lookalike Kelly McGillis and Brad Johnson from Left Behind I and II, it was typical SciFi fare. However, what it led to was one of the boldest openings to a B-beast picture I've ever seen.

Octopus (the First Hour)
OK, so after the lady of the house turned in, CTC and I started watching Octopus, pretty much expecting a re-hash of Super Gator, Frankenfish, etc. We were wrong, my friends. The first like five minutes of the movie is all in Russian, and then we're led through a Bourne/Munich style chase through vaguely European streets as a young CIA analyst and his old field agent mentor pursue a Russian spy (thank God that stereotype is returning). The spy bombs emabassies or something. More importantly, he's dressed like an old woman weaving his way in and out as extras who clearly don't know they're in a movie stare directly at the cameras. The young analyst is too much of a pussy to kill the spy, and this leads to the old mentor getting killed, but not before he blows up the spy's getaway car. In an honorable moment of cowardice, the analyst saves the spy. Now, there are all kinds of Russians (most of them attractive, scantily clad women) who want to rescue this spy, so the only way to transport him back to the US is via a submarine that's helmed by a crazy captain who might just go off the deep end at any moment.

The analyst and the spy arrive on the sub. Strip poker is played, and the analyst bunks with a hot marine biologist who's studying the sea from the sub or something while its “on maneuvers” off the coast of somewhere. There's more talk of "maneuvers," some bad flirting, a valiant escape attempt from the spy, and then the Octopus shows up. OK, once the octopus show up, it's all down hill. I actually bailed as the film morphed into the bad Jaws/Orca rip-off we all knew it was destined to be. However, the fact that it took an hour for the mighty Kraken to show, and the fact that it totally played like a bad political thriller until that moment is bold as pants. That said, I give the first hour of Octopus 3 ½-Griecos. Once the Octopus shows up, go to bed. Or, if you haven't aged 20 years in the last five months like I have, enjoy an evening of frolic.