The Funniest Movie Ever Made

It’s not often that I go to a theater and laugh my ass off for almost the entire length of the movie. Even some of the best comedies struggle at times. However, this weekend I got a chance to see what I believe might be the funniest film ever.

Tokyo Drift
Your refusal to drift disgusts me. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. You’re out on the road driving mommy’s precious car, and you’re not even thinking about drifting. You’re a fucking coward.

Open on Lucas Black of Friday Night Lights/Sling Blade/Fight the Future fame. He’s an outcast; A poor kid in a rich kid’s world. Only way to handle it is to drag race against the kid who played the oldest son on that Tim Allen show whose title eludes me for some reason. Oh that’s right, ‘cause it totally sucked ball. Anyway, Lucas is racing against this once and future douchebag for a date with the bag’s girl. Seriously, after some talk about racing for “pinks,” the girl says “why don’t you race for me?” After some cars are totaled and this house that’s under construction gets destroyed, Lucas gets shipped off to Tokyo to stay with his estranged Navy officer dad. Within one day of being in Tokyo, Lucas meets Bow-Wow (no longer so l'il), a hot chick of questionable ethnic lineage, and a detached Japanese/American mentor who gives Lucas his prized car to race against the nephew of famed Yakuza boss. The problem is, Lucas can’t drift, and apparently if you can’t drift in Japan you’re screwed, because all of the roads are just crazy. After Lucas destroys the mentor’s car, the mentor takes the young yank under his wing and teaches him how to drift, and more importantly, how to live…man. Anyway, turns out the hot vaguely Hispanic/Australian girl is the girlfriend of the Yakuza nephew, and when Lucas tries to make his move, all hell breaks loose. Eventually, the mentor, who is screwing the Yakuza over, gets killed by the nephew in a twenty-minute down and dirty drift-fest/chase/explosion. It’s pretty awesome. Then, the nephew comes after little Lucas, but to settle things and to avoid the mistakes of his father, Lucas faces his problems and, meets with the Yakuza boss, and asks the old man to sanction a race that will send the loser (either Lucas or the nephew) away from Tokyo forever. Impressed by the white kid’s moxie, the Yakuza boss agrees. Lucas borrows a car that his dad was working on, you know an old beat up model that had “potential,” tricks it out with some fine product placement parts, and prepares to race on a mountainside that requires insane drifting skills. However, like the K-12 in Better Off Dead, only one man has ever successfully drifted the mountain. Yep, the nephew. Well, another bold race ensues, the nephew survives a horrific tumbling off of the mountainside, and Lucas drifts to victory becoming the new drift hero of Tokyo and reconnecting with his dad in the process. Then, as he lords over the underground drift scene he is challenged to a race by Vin Diesel, making a strained and awkward cameo. Credits.

What can I say? I loved this picture. I didn’t even hit on the fact that Lucas, for some reason, goes to a high school where only Japanese is spoken by the teachers even though he doesn’t speak Japanese and there are like fifty American schools in Tokyo, or any of the dance party-intercut-with-drifting montages.

Tokyo Drift has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. Now, I know I’m a lover of hyperbole, but I have gone over all of the shitty movies (yes, even the ones on SciFi) that I've watched, and I can’t think of one that has worse dialogue. Like every other line is “there’s an old Japanese saying…” You will laugh out loud many times simply when these kids open their mouths. My only problem with the movie is that there isn’t enough racing. Act II devolves into this terrible love story, which is hilarious, and there’s a sexy night-drifting scene, but come on. I want to see Japanese hipsters racing and doing insane drifting donuts around some sort of sentient robot billboard that simultaneously sells cola and panties. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so. Despite my need for more, Tokyo Drift delivered, and I want everybody to see it. I’m giving it 3 ¼-Griecos (see ratings). It’s a bold new rating for a bold new picture. I would’ve given it 3 ½, but there’s an implied rape scene, and while that’s not as bad as a gratuitous rape scene, it’s still king of gratuitous. But it doesn’t alter my opinion that this is probably the most important film of the summer.

DTLMF!

(note: poor Obidiah got dragged to this movie by TGOGS and me and had a very different opinion. I eagerly await her response.)