Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Christmas Grieco!


Sorry Grieco disappeared for a while. The holidays stress him out. However, with the approaching new year everyone here at GIK has vowed to get it back together. In the meantime, have a safe and happy holiday and throw down like it was 1995. Yeah, you remember '95. That shit was dope.


Merry F'in Greico!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Holiday Prep


'Sup, y'all?

Just wanted to let everyone know that I've spent the week trying to learn some of the new stuff Blogger has to offer. They've sexed things up a bit. I've also been trying to put together some bold holiday posts. Look for the posts and some changes next week.

If you can't trust Grieco, who can you trust?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Yellow Belt Fever


Sorry I haven't followed up since the birthday celebration, but I've been focused on Kung Fu. Luckily, my work paid off and I'm now a yellow belt, which I consider to be the Grieco of the belts. Sure, it's not the coolest and some have suggested it's womanish, but it stands out in a crowd and it's good enough for a spot in a B action movie.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Grieco: Year One


I’ve returned from my trips to Hollywood and Arlington (sister cities?), and it’s time to celebrate GIK’s first birthday. I wanted to look back at all we’ve accomplished over the year, and I thought the best way to do it would be to take a look at some of the comments (and the posts their linked to) that shaped the world of Grieco. The following is a collection of some of my favorites. They span almost the entire Grieco cannon, painting a clear picture of where we’ve been and perhaps where we are going.

Look Back in Greico

I feel like things really took off for GIK with the Hang Your Head in Shame posts. Part II sparked the ire of Kev, which is always fun for everybody:

How dare you, GIK... How dare you take an innocent blog used seemingly for good, and then twist it into something so hurtful. I speak, of course, of your needless assailing of Andrea Barber, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibler on Full House. She may not have her own clothing line or coke habit like the Olsen twins, but at least Ms. Barber could hold her own against the comedy stylings of Dave Coulier. Let this serve as your warning, GIK, lest you be tempted to cross the line in the future.

Kev
President and Founder,
Andrea Barber Fan Club


This one from Many, Many Movies sums up what was on everybody’s mind this year:

bts said...
Dude. Obviously Karate Dog.


You may remember that the shit started to go down with Grieco Madness, a seminal point in GIK’s history. The following is a comment that ended up shaping the entire tournament:

bts said...
i cant believe Starship Troopers is even on there... that's something else entirely. and the exclusion of Left Behind??? also, since when does Showgirls deserve a 1 seed over obvious contender Mazes and Monsters?
just here to vent

Soon after BTS’ rant, Judgement was scratched and Left Behind replaced it.

The tournament gave us a glimpse into the life of a high school teacher (thanks Kev):

I present: 9 Very Grieco Degrees of Jason X/M&M:

Tom Hanks was in Busom Buddies with Wendie-Jo Sperber who was on Parker Lewis Can't Lose with Corin Nemec who was in The Stand with Gary Sinise who was in Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck who was in Good Will Hunting with far more talented brother Casey Affleck who was in a stirring remake of Hamlet with Kyle McLachlan who was in Showgirls with Gena Gershon who was directed in Crash (the soft-core lesbo-esque one, not the Oscar one) by David Cronenberg who was - blink and you may miss him - in Jason X.

I am bored.


The tournament also gave us a glimpse of pictures that weren’t even battling it out:

the ghost of gene siskel said...

Since the Saint was mentioned in passing in the this post, I'd like to announce that, in an effort to redeem myself for Blind Horizon, I watched the great Val Kilmer in The Island of Dr. Moreau last night. Echoing his hair from Top Gun, Kilmer was solid as the wacky, sadistic neuro-surgeon. Aside from, or because of, a few really bizarre acting choices - like when the unappealing Brit who's marooned on the crazy island is trying to radio for help and Kilmer shows him that he's stolen a crucial circuit board, which he is oddly balancing on top of his head - it's classic Kilmer. Brando in the title role was way too good for the film he was in, and the cast of "Cats" grunted and scampered admirably. The SFX were made on a graphing calculator. I watched until Brando got his chest ripped open by Rum Tum Tugger, then I went to bed.

Go M&M!

At 2:34 PM, Sherpa said...
hey ghost, you forgot to mention the hot interspecies orgy towards the end of "Island." Tigers and goats doin' it is super hot in my book.


And it got folks fired up about made-for-Canadian-TV movies:

obidiah said...
I hope Jason X is prepared for the thorough pantsing it will surely receive by perennial underdog Mazes and Monsters. Pardu the Holy Man can pop the trey every time, and Glacia the Fighter is clearly ready to throw down. Jason who?


But in the end, the film that without BTS’ rage never would’ve taken the floor shocked the world and won it all:

bts said...
boo yeah.
i love M/M with a heart of gold and leaves, but Left Behind is just too fucking powerful.


Speaking of rage. Mine couldn’t be stopped, leading to a frank discussion of taints:

Sherpa said...
Woooahhh there. Easy, trigger. The rage is full force! Good thing I went to bed before you.

By the way, if Carlos Mencia isn't worthy of licking Carrot Top's taint, who is? I mean, what poor bastard has that job? Especially having to do it while Carrot Top is bench pressing...his muscles are scary.

At 11:40 PM, Anonymous said...
Only Mindfreak is worthy.

At 8:35 AM, sherpa said...
There is NOOOOOOO reality!!


Perhaps the greatest thing about GIK’s first year is that even when I wasn’t talking about Grieco, others were keeping the people informed:

bts said...
whilst visiting Michigan one sunny coolish day a few months ago I happened to purchase a film, put out by the Lifetime Television concern, titled " She's Too Young". if at all possible, seek out this film and watch it. make it. it will feel very fine.

At 11:55 AM, Diana said...
Have you seen the one where a very bloated Grieco rapes a girl, then they get married because she doesn't know he's the one that raped her and knocked her up, and they have kids and he's all great then he loses his mind and starts beating her, then she tries to leave him, so he beats her some more? I saw this gem on lifetime network when I was 13, before I began avoiding lifetime like the plague.



Now for a commercial break, here are some of Anonymous’s highlights. Is he a coward for hiding his name? Perhaps. Is he actually Grieco? Goddamn I hope so:

Anonymous said...
My cousin gave himself Trapped in the Closet for Christmas. He hasn't been the same since.


Anonymous said... (In defense of Gymkata)
"Kane" doesn't even have a town of crazies. Or Olympic gymnasts. Speaking of which, if Grieco were to medal in one winter Olympic sport, which one would it be?

Anonymous said...
Why hasn't anyone mentioned Young Sherlock Holmes? I mean, there's a Coptic death cult in it.


As GIK learned to chew solid foods, I was reminded of why the lovely Sherpa is so lovely:

(In response to The Craft)
Sherpa said...
The end of the film. The scene opens in the looney bin. Nancy is tied to a bed in a padded room...

Nancy: I'm FLYING! FLYING! (crazy laugh/crying) *sniff* Ha HA! Flying!!

Oh, fuck me. Seriously, where did they get their research from?? They had only one of the proper ritual items when they "Called the Corners" (a practice which is also made up--it's usually called a Magick Circle--not a square). They had their athames (pronounced A-tha-mays), which are ceremonial daggers used to represent the male figure, but they didn't have a cauldron, a broom, a wand, and completely omitted the chalice, which is used to represent the female aspect in spells. Aren't those girls supposed to be all "Grrrl Power" and shit? Where yo chalice at, bitch? And athames aren't supposed to be used as actual weapons, Fairuza. They're symbolic, duh! Stop trying to stab everyone, yo.

Finally, the fact that there is no mention of a "goddess" deity. This "spirit" the girls try to "invoke" is named "Manaw" and is male. Who the fuck is Manaw?! There ain't no such thing!!

Ahem...sorry.


Work came and went and GIK, old enough to be left alone at 11 months, had to fend for itself for a while. But even after a year, weened from the milk of its mother’s teet, GIK is still going. More importantly, it’s still warranting talk of panties:

bts said...
i am going to be in Hollywood in December, so could you leave me like a trail of skittles to celebrity panty drawers?

At 5:18 AM, the ghost of gene siskel said...
haven't you heard? shocktarts are in. panties, out. panty drawers, however, still in.


Without you folks I would just be a crazed man ranting about bad movies while wearing his pajamas. With you, I’m that, but with like five or six readers. As my grandfather used to say, “I thank you, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you, and my Grieco thanks you.” OK, he didn’t say the Grieco thing, but if he were here I think he’d be cool with it.

Happy fucking birthday GIK!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

One Year


This weekend, GIK celebrated it's first birthday. Yep, Grieco has been filling our hearts and minds for a year. I totally thought this was going to last like a month at the most. I'm planning a big birthday bash, but with the holidays coming things are kind of crazy, so we'll throw down next week when everybody is back from their travels and turkey and whatnot. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'd like to thank everyone who has kept this going for the last year. Our numbers may be small, but they are Grieco-worthy. Have a great holiday, and in the mean time, take a look back at where it all began:

And God Said, Let there be Grieco!

In 2000, I left the warm flatlands of Texas and headed north to the lake-effect-snow-covered streets of Chicago. From the moment I got there, I struggled to adjust to a city where phrases like “at least it’s above zero” and “you think this is cold? Wait ‘till February. That’s freakin’ cold” are thrown around on a regular basis. I also had trouble finding a job. That is until I saw a want-ad for telephone psychics in the paper. I can’t really describe what it was like to work for “Miss Cleo” here, because until you’ve sat in your living room and talked on the phone to a woman claiming that famed newsman Mike Wallace was dressing up in various disguises and following her around the Washington D.C. area trying to work up the courage to profess his undying love for her, you can’t really understand the job. I will say that I faced a moral dilemma (what with the giving people advice who clearly needed therapy) and a thanks mom and dad for spending thousands and thousands of dollars on my college education I’m a telephone psychic now dilemma on a daily basis. Eventually, my conscience caused me to quit, but I had lived the dream of working from home and I would never be the same.

After selling stuffed bunnies door-to-door and signing people up for speed-dating classes, I came to my senses and moved back to a warmer climate. I then worked incredibly hard to find a job that wouldn’t require me to work incredibly hard. It panned out, and I am working from home again. I don’t have the philosophical issues that I had with the psychic gig, but I do have the free time. I use that free time to watch bad movies. Many, many bad movies. Now, I’m no film critic, so I can’t get into Dutch angles or anything exciting like that. I am just a lazy man who loves watching the works of Grieco, Lundgren, and anything the Lifetime Channel has to offer; and I want to pass what I learn onto you. I make no guarantees, but I promise that I will do my best to steer you in the right direction, because I know all too well that it is a fine line between “so funny it’s good” and Battlefield Earth. I mean, look at their hands. Come on! It’s like they stole them from some kids who were getting ready to take the stage in a 3rd grade production of Beauty and the Beast. Sorry about that. I lost focus. Now, let's get serious about Grieco.

Die Die Die
The most amazing thing about this movie is that I watched it with three of my friends, and as soon as it ended none of us could remember anything about it. We were pretty sure that there was a nightclub of some sort, and one of us was almost positive that somebody did actually die. However, after eating a chicken sandwich, my senses returned and I remembered that it stars a bloated Richard Grieco (I'm sure the weight gain was for the role) and Greg Evigan (the other dad from My Two Dads). Grieco, sporting the chepaest hair plugs money can buy, plays bad guy Frank, a man who thought he had successfully doublecrossed his woman and left her for dead. Oh Grieco, will you never learn? His woman returns, and a wicked game of cat and mouse (read: gratuitous stripping and holding guns sideways) ensues, and people keep talking about some heist money. "Where's the heist money? I want the heist money," they keep saying. After a retreat to a secluded cabin and an 82-minute run time that seems like an eternity, Grieco has a death scene that leads me to believe he will play Hamlet at a dinner theatre in Winnipeg some day, and everything works out for his woman, Evigan, Sam, the raspy-voiced Judge, and Paul Reiser.

Normally, I would give a movie that is this boring a rating of 1-Grieco (see ratings chart), but I have a rule here at Grieco is King; if the actual Grieco is in the film, it automatically gets an extra Grieco and 1/2. That being said, I have to give Die Die Die 2 1/2-Griecos. Just make sure you share the experience with friends, because sometimes talking about Grieco is even more fun than watching Grieco.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Up and In in Beverly Hills

What up, y'all? I had to stay in LA for an extra week. I'm still here and hot on the trail of Grieco. I shall return next week to tell you about my newly found tan.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

To Hollywood!


Hey y'all, I'm heading back to Hollywood for a spell. I shall return next week unless I meet Grieco and convince him to star in my new picture, Ghost on My Toast. It's a supernatural breakfast thriller for 'Tweens. It's gonna be awesome. Anyway, have a good week, and keep in mind that GIK will offically be one year old soon.


Drift to live.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Twilight Tron


The lovely Sherpa stumbled upon a bold piece on the Sleuth network last night. I was surprised, because I thought Sleuth just ran reruns of “Colombo,” "Magnum P.I.,” and “Miami Vice” over and over again, which of course is totally awesome. However, on this All Hallows’ Eve, they busted out with some “horror.” And thank God they did.

Nightmares
Nightmares
is broken up into different parts a la The Twilight Zone movie, Creepshow, and that piece of shit about the four rooms in the hotel that Sir Quentin Tarantino was involved with. I only caught parts two and three of Nightmares, but they were a full film’s worth of kickass.

Part two follows Emilio Estevez with vaguely blonde hair on his head, a rat tail running down his neck, and the world’s largest walkman strapped to his waist. Emilio is a videogame master, and he travels through parts of NJ and nyny hustling unsuspecting players. After running afoul of a Mexican videogame gang, Emilio heads back to his mall to take on a game that features an enigmatic computer generated figure called the Bishop of Battle. There are 13 levels of the game, but nobody has ever seen anyone get to the final level. There’s rumors about a guy in Jersey having done it, but let's face it, there are rumors about a lot of guys in Jersey having done a lot of things. Anyway, Emilio turns on his giant walkman and plays to the sounds of that godforsaken rock and roll. He plays like an addict, breaking into a sweat and treating his friends and family like shit along the way. He loses on level 12 and gets booted out of the arcade at closing time. That night, he breaks into the arcade, battles the Bishop, and makes it to the final level. This, of course, involves the enemies of the game entering the real world and battling Estevez in the mall. Just when you think he’s bested the last spaceship with his video gun, he runs into the Bishop of Battle, is swallowed up in the bright blue lines of early ‘80s graphics, and becomes trapped in the game. That’s a 3 ½-Grieco picture right there, y’all.

Part 3 stars Lance Henriksen (shit yeah) as a priest who has lost his faith. As he’s driving away from the small town of his parish he is run off the road by a big ole black pickup truck with tinted windows. After some Duel-type action, the truck just disappears…until it bursts forth from the fucking ground! Some more shit happens, we see an upside down crucifix hanging from the truck’s rearview, and we know Satan is at the wheel. This led the lovely Sherpa to launch into an original song entitled “Satan Drives a Pickup Truck,” which, believe me, is a lot better than most of the crap that passes for country music these days. Henriksen somehow bests the truck, discovers it was never really there, and returns to his parish with his faith restored. Again, that’s a 3 ½-Grieco picture.

I think Part 4 had something to do with a rat and I have no idea what Part 1 was all about, but I can only hope that they were as Grieco as parts 2 and 3. I hope everyone had as spooooky a Halloween as I.

(editor note: see BTS' second comment for proof that Grieco is still holding it down.)

Monday, October 23, 2006

2-D is Played Out


Sorry it took me so long to get this review finished, but my fantasy football team is preparing to do battle with a man called Anonymous, and I’ve committed all of my free time to figuring out how to hand him his first loss. Seriously, that bastard is 7-0, and that’s just ridiculous. You hear that Anonymous? Your reign of terror is coming to an end, my friend. I dare you to bench your starters. Then we’ll see how tough you are. Coward!

Wow. Now you know how truly cool I am. Anyway, let’s get down to the 3-D revolution.

Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a non-IMAX movie in 3-D. I think the floating arm in Jaws 3 might actually be the last piece of 3-D brilliance I saw in the movie theater. If you’re too young to have seen an ‘80s 3-D movie, well…you’re too fucking young. You’ve also missed out on a great piece of pop culture that never really caught on. It’s a lot like the jet pack; totally kickass in every way, but for some reason not accepted by the masses.

The beauty of these old 3-D movies is that they’re just settling into the technology, so most of the 3-D action has nothing to do with the plot at all. Friday the 13th Part III featured a 20 second scene with a yo-yo going up and down, people would lay brooms and rakes down menacingly so the stick would be pointed at your eye, there was a mouse that walked towards me, popcorn exploded in my face, and a joint came my way from the requisite horror movie stoners. That’s not to say that the killing didn’t come in three dimensions, because every kill involved an object (e.g. harpoon, pitchfork) either being thrown at the victim or protruding from the victim’s back, so the audience didn’t know whether to scream, jump out of their seats to avoid the object, or laugh at the kids in the row in front of them who kept talking about Warcraft the entire movie.

I can’t do justice to the absurdity of the 3-D or to the fun of it. The lovely Sherpa and I had a great time at the movie as did everyone else in the theater. It’s ridiculous, but it’s also quaint in a way; a remnant of a decade that understood that technology shouldn’t be used for communication or study, but for making horror movies more badass and for flying around with a self-propulsion jet pack strapped to your back. That shit was important once, and I for one miss those dreamers who have long since been silenced in deference to those who want to make the Internet faster or want to cure disease. Fuck that. Get me a flying car, a hover board, and make me think a harpoon is headed for my eyeball. That’s fucking progress.

The movie gets 2 ½ -Griecos on its own. It’s horrible in every way. I mean there’s a three-person motorcycle gang that shows up for no real reason at all, and the plot holes are huge even for an ‘80s slasher picture. However, Friday the 13th Part III has vast significance on a pop culture level. It introduces Jason’s hockey mask and machete. We all know Jason’s not in the original (shut up, I’m not including the dream sequence at the end of the movie), and in Part II he wears a burlap sack and kills mainly with an axe, so the importance of Part III can’t be denied. While I believe Michael Meyers’s mask and simple blade are far more terrifying, there are few horror icons that are as recognizable as Jason’s mask and weapon of choice.

With the 3-D, the film easily gets 4-Griecos. You should all try to go see it or something like it, which brings me to my next point: The Alamo Draft House in Austin is the greatest movie theater on the planet. You should all come visit and check it out. I watched 27 hours straight of “Twin Peaks” there, I’ve seen horror movies that don’t get shown anywhere else, and that’s only a small piece of what they do.

OK. I’ve done my advertising for the day. I must now return to the land of fantasy where my second place team is readying themselves to shock the world next week.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Chin up, Passenger 57


Hey y'all,

Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D blew my mind, and then those bits of brain flew off the screen at everybody else. I'll have a full report this week, but I'm still trying to deal with it on an emotional level. In the mean time, check out how the Grieco-worthy Snipes is trying to bring down the government. Fight on Mr. Snipes, and I shall continue to bet on black.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Spooooky!


October is in full swing and I'm very excited, because it's by far my favorite month. Some might suggest that I'm selfish and only like October for it's the month of my birth. I say to those cynical pricks, "Nay, sirs. My love of October stems from my love of all things terrifying." It's true. Every movie channel this month is doing like a "13 Days of Halloween" thing, so there are going to be horror pictures on all of the time. And on top of that, tomorrow is Friday the 13th. It's like a beautiful goth dream. Speaking of beautiful goth things, the lovely Sherpa and I will be attending Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D this weekend, so expect a bold, multi-dimensional review next week. I also have a ton of horror movies on the Netflix, so it should get fucking scary around here really soon. In the mean time, I'd like to highlight some of my favorite horror movies. I'm assuming that you've seen the classics, so I'll try to focus on movies that you might have overlooked. Some are Grieco-worthy, others are just awesome:

Halloween 4 and Halloween 5: Last Halloween, I got to see Part 4 on the big screen for the first time, and it reaffirmed my belief that it's one of the coolest horror movies of all time. Now, I know that the original and Part 2 are incredible, and if you haven't seen them you truly suck. I also know that Part 3 is beyond Grieco, Part 6 is cool but has problems, and that H2O and Ressurection are abominations and a disgrace to the title "Halloween." But Parts 4 and 5 (especially 4) are damn near perfect. The kid who plays young Jamie is the best child actor ever to grace the screen, the deaths are brutal, and the Michael Meyers/Dr. Loomis scenes are on a whole other level. 4 & 5 are linked in the same way as 1 & 2, so I suggest watching them back-to-back.

Peeping Tom: BTS could probably give a better breakdown as to why this movie is important in the grand scheme of things, but I'll just say it's one of the creepiest movies I've seen, and it was way ahead of it's time. You should check it out.

Suspiria: Italinan director Dario Argento is famous among horror nerds, but I've noticed that a lot of normals haven't seen his work. The dialogue in Suspiria is ridiculous and the plot holes are larger than any gaping wound, but the look of the movie is unlike any American horror movie I've seen, the deaths are just insane, and the prog score by Goblin will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Wait Until Dark: Audrey Hepburn is a blind girl and a young Alan Arkin basically plays three different parts. It's pretty obvious that it was a play first, but it's still cool and kind of scary. Also, Hepburn is just damn cute.

Motel Hell: A Grieco-style film that has some nice gore, disgusting sound effects, and the great Rory Calhoun. Not for everyone, but I think a lot of you might get a kick out of it.

OK, I know I said I was going to gloss over the classics, but I have to say a few things. If you haven't seen the original The Omen your life has been but half lived. If you're a fan of The Exorcist you need to see the remastered version with the Death Face. That shit is messed up. If you're a fan of The Exorcist II: The Heretic give the aformentioned BTS a call, because the man knows way too much about that film. The Shining is freaking horrifying every time I wacth it, and I'm pretty sure those little girls will be waiting for me at the Gates of Hell when I die. The sister in Pet Sematary is one of the freakiest things I've ever laid eyes on, and when she says "Raaachael" I feel as though I'm the one with spinal meningitis.

That about does it for me today. Enjoy the 13th and I'll tell you if machetes really are scarier in 3-D.

Author's note: I had no spellcheck on this and I'm a horrible speller, so I'm sorry if there are any huge mistakes.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Is it March Yet?


This past March we emabrked on what I believe to be the single greatest quest in the history of blogs about bad movies and my time as a telephone psychic. I am, of course, speaking of Grieco Madness. It was two weeks of head-to-head battles that separated the wheat from the Grieco or the Grieco from the chaffe or something like that. Anyway, I know March is still months away, but I'm determined to keep the dream alive and bring the tournament back for a second go around. Now, I'm sure there are movies out there that you'd like to see take a shot at winning at all. Perhaps I haven't seen some of these films or perhaps I've forgotten about them because I spend all of my time writing for The Man and his dastardly products. Who knows. Either way, I want your input on this one, so we can put together some brackets that will blow minds.

Just so you know, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force will try to pick up where the Part I left off and win another one for the Lord. Other than that, the field is wide open. Feel free to submit as many ideas as you like, but remember that the list will eventually be narrowed down to eight, and from those eight, one great champion shall rise.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Rrrrost


Season three of "Lost" starts on Wednesday. I'm freaking out. I'll get back to y'all when I've recovered from the awesomeness.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Anne Hathaway's Boobs


I'm back. Now, let’s never fight again.

Frequent GIK viewers probably know that I have a little crush on Anne Hathaway (the actor, not Shakespeare’s wife). It was brought on during a fever-induced viewing of The Princess Diaries and it has stayed with me ‘lo these many years. Just so you know, she’s older than you think, so I’m not quite as disgusting as some would have you believe. Anyway, the lovely Sherpa, knowing of my crush and harboring her own love of The Devil Wears Prada, rented us up a movie that promised to give a glimpse of Hathaway boob. Yep, Sherpa’s pretty cool that way. Now, we got boob, but we got oh so much more.

Havoc

Desperate to break out of her kid’s movie personae and to break her agent’s heart, Little Anne took on this film about the seedy underbelly of ridiculously wealthy LA teens. Like most wealthy movie teens they’re totally bored, and they deal with their boredom by acting “ghetto.” Now, “ghetto” for them isn’t your typical white kids co-opting black culture by listening to Snoop and saying “son” a lot. No, I’m talking about brawling with rival “crews,” sucking on that crack pipe, and adopting “street” voices. Seriously, Joseph Gordan-Levitt of “3rd Rock” fame sounds like a cross between a grizzled old jazzman, a middle class “Rasta” dude, and Slater from Dazed and Confused. It’s so bad that it will make you embarrassed to be white, a jazzman, middle class, Rastafarian, or human. Oh, and all of this is filmed by a classmate “filmmaker” who’s all American Beauty minus the smoldering eyes. Anyway, one night the kids decide to take things to the next level by visiting East LA and getting down with some serious dealers. The problem is that Anne’s boyfriend (played by a tool that I’ve been calling Son of Chad Michael Haircut) argues with one of the dealers, has a gun put to his head, and pisses his pants. You’d think this would end the poor little rich kids’ foray into “being real,” but it doesn’t. Anne actually goes back and befriends the dealer (Six Feet Under’s Freddie Rodriguez just cashing checks). Soon she and her friend (socialite Bijou Philips) are drawn into the “gang,” which at first just seems to be a lot like my insane extended Italian family but with more guns and a better understanding of volume control. Unfortunately, things turn ugly as Bijou learns first hand about the evils of drugs and violent group sex. There’s a rape scene that might or might not have been rape or something, and some attempted suicide, Anne simulating masturbation, and a collection of other scenes that I’ve tried to wash away, but I still just feel dirty. Eventually Anne’s boyfriend and his crew (JG-L included) mount up to regulate and bring justice to the bangers that may have violated Bijou and definitely made that one guy piss. They storm in, guns held high, and discover a group of young mothers with even younger babies. There’s some screaming, some crying, and a lot of learning, y’all. In the end, Anne learns to be herself. She loses the fake voice, leaves the ghetto, and realizes that her rich friends are no better than anyone else or something.

This movie sucks in a way that’s hard to imagine. However, there are some highlights. Michael Biehn plays Anne’s dad, and you know everything that man does is pure gold, and there are some decent songs on the soundtrack. Other than that, it’s horrible. The only person who walks away from Havoc looking good is Bret Easton Ellis. I mean, at least the young rich douchebags he wrote about were entertaining enough to be played by Spader, Downey Jr., and McCarthy. I’m giving Havoc 1 ½-Griecos. And just so you know, the extra ½ is for Biehn, not boobs. Although….

Friday, September 22, 2006

The Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated



Dear “Grieco is King” Readers,

I was scanning your precious Internet in search of a Thai hooker I once laid down with while I was shooting an as yet unreleased picture with Sean Astin and the kid from “Mr. Belvedere.” I wanted to get her take on the recent military coup that’s occurred in her homeland. My search led to only one dead end after another, and alas I could not find my sweet Ratchanee. Perhaps she fled before the revolution came or perhaps she’s grown weary of the stench of cheap whiskey and blowjobs. I know not. What I do know is that the search for my beloved brought me to this site, a seemingly once-fruitful pursuit now helmed by a coward. That’s right. I said it. This “#5,” if that is his real name, dares to invoke the name of Grieco time and time again only to then shy away from his duty and slink off in shame. “I’m too busy,” he says. “Work is hard,” he says. Please. Try doing lines off a stripper’s ass and convincing her you still have some pull in Hollywood. That’s freaking hard. But I have strayed from the point. I say this to you now #5 and to all who may read my words; as long as there is breath in this body and fire in these loins I shall remain your King. So #5, cast off these chains of oppression, rise up to meet your fear, and reclaim your rightful place by my side. This, I command!

--RG

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I Fear the End is Nigh


A foul wind blows in the East, and I am told that the reign of Grieco may be coming to an end.

Monday, August 21, 2006

MFSoaMFP


Hey y’all, it’s been far too long since Grieco has brought us together. I’m still dealing with work and travel, but there are moments in a man’s life when he must set aside such foolish pursuits and focus on what’s important. Today is such a moment, for I have something to share with you. I think that last night I saw the greatest piece of cinema ever. Nay! The greatest piece of anything ever.

Snakes on a Plane
(This review is brought to you by Red Bull. Red Bull; when you’re tired of being a pussy.)

We open on the lush landscape of one of the Hawaiian Islands (I don’t think they tell us which one). A motocross type flies by on his bike as the sun and tropical fruit highlight his bone structure and his can of Red Bull. Everything’s great until a man (the biker’s dad) falls, suspended from a tree and tells his son to hide. Then, a Hawaiian-Yakuza-dude (yes, the fucking Yakuza is everywhere) shows up and beats the dad to death with a bat and then has a quick one-liner whilst covered in the dead man’s blood. The biker kid speeds off, and the Yakuza guy decrees that the boy (a Chad Michael Haircut type but less offensive) must die. The kid hides out in his room surrounded by cases of Red Bull stacked almost ceiling-high and worries for his life. His worry isn’t unfounded as some Yakuzaish dudes show up at his pad ready to kill, but before they can, Samuel L. Jackson busts in, fires off some rounds, and gets away with the kid. He takes him downtown where a can of Red Bull is neatly displayed in an evidence bag (I shit you not). As the kid (I have no idea what his character’s name is) thinks about his situation he utters the Pinteresque line, “Last week I was planning a surfing trip to Bali,” and the crowd erupts. SLJ convinces the kid to testify back in Los Angeles, and the movie really starts.

The Yakuza folk have sprayed all of the passengers leis with a pheromone that apparently turns snakes into indiscriminate killing machines with a blood lust that cannot be quenched or slaked or sated or whatever it is you try to do with blood lust. But before the mighty reptiles emerge we get a chance to meet the cast of characters: a flight attendant who is one day away from becoming a lawyer (played by a somewhat confused Juliana Margulies); a Paris Hilton type with a dog in her purse; a germophobic rapper named 3 Gs; a chick with a baby; a Brit who actually has the line “Fucking Americans;” some honeymooners; and Keenan of Good Burger and SNL fame.

All right, here we go. Two attractive young people are going mile-high in the lavatory when Boom! Snake on a tit! Yeah, you know it. Then Bam! Snake on a dick! Man, that smarts. From there, it’s pure chaos and flippant dialogue. We get snakes on a boosh, snakes in an ocular cavity, and everything in between. There’s pus, blood, vomiting (Gratuitous? Maybe. Awesome? Indeed.) Oh, the lovely Sherpa would like me to point out that none of the CGI snakes even closely resembles anything that would actually be found in nature. While I’m not near the bio-nerd that she is, I was surprised by the excessive use of bright blue and devil horns. Anyway, the pilots die; SLJ, Queequeg in nature, harpoons a snake; some shit gets burned; the rapper pulls a gun; love blossoms all around; and some truly awesome deaths and equally awesome lines occur at a sidewinder’s pace (sorry). There’s some shit going down on the ground with a scientist that I really wanted to be Jeff Goldblum, but that subplot is totally unimportant. Eventually, Keenan (who’s a Playstation flight simulator addict by the way) takes the stick and lands that bird in LA, and the crowd goes batshit crazy. SLP and Margulies plan a date, the biker kid (remember him?) takes a snake and two slugs in the bullet-proof vest, and he and SLJ go surfing together. Seriously, they go surfing. Cue music video. Now, I wanted the video to be for a rap that 3 Gs wrote in order to cope with his whole snakes on a plane ordeal, but instead it was a video for the righteous theme song from the movie.

Nothing I say will do Snakes on a Plane Justice. It makes Anaconda look like Anaconda 2: Search for the Blood Orchid. If the folks behind Boa vs. Anaconda over at SciFi saw it, they would simultaneously weep and masturbate. I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about SLJ. He’s the Jim McMahon of film. I have to make it to Hollywood in time to write Snakes on a Plane 3: Tokyo Drift. I just have to. So here it is. I’m giving the movie 5-Griecos. That’s right, my friends, I’m creating a new GIK rating just for Snakes on a Plane. 4-Griecos can’t hold this picture; it’s just too damn big for that. Go see it at a theater where you can eat, drink, and yell things at the screen. It will make it even better. And drink some Red Bull, or you might not have the energy to make it through.

Visit this guy’s MySpace page to hear the aforementioned righteous theme song, and visit Moron.NL to get the lyrics for said song.

I miss you like Grieco misses Holly Robinson Peete, but I’ll return in full force on September 5th.

Keep it effing snakes, y’all!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Vacation Update


I'm slowly getting things under control with work, and I should be finished with my world traveling in a few weeks. Look to the West during the first week of September for Grieco's return, for the gates of Hell cannot hold him forever.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Summer Vacation


It's clear that Grieco has struggled of late.

I haven't been able to overcome the issues of work, and therefore I haven't been able to watch any movies. That's why at this time I'm declaring it GIK summer vacation. I have some trips coming up, and I still have to deal with the Man on a regular basis. For the next month, GIK entries will be few and far between, but I swear that after August I shall throw off the shackles of tyranny and quit one of the three jobs that I'm currently working, restoring GIK to its rightful place atop my priority list. Do not, dear friends, forsake me in this time of peril, for together we can return to those glorious days of yore when four posts per week were commonplace and my DVR was filled with Olsen Twin movies and everything the SciFi channel had to offer. These dark times shall pass, and Grieco shall reign once more.

Look to the East.

Drift to live.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Pictures of Grieco





I've been looking so long at these pictures of Grieco that I almost believe that they're real.

Monday, July 31, 2006

The Dreams of Dylan McKay



So I’ve gotten way back into 90210 reruns. They’re kind of the only thing getting me through the work week at this point. I watch two episodes a day, but I fast-forward any scene that Andrea is in and any scene where Jamie “How Do You Talk to an Angel” Walters picks up his guitar, so it only takes me about an hour to knock out both. Anyway, I’m immersed in the Brenda’s-gone-but-sweet-Kelly-Kapowski-has-come-to-take-her-place-
only-she's-not-sweet-but-kind-of-evil episodes. You know, where Brandon is always talking about the “task force” and Steve looks like he’s 45. Anyway, I just saw what might be the most ridiculous piece of television ever created. Dylan has turned to booze, tits (Tiffany Amber’s) and speed balls to cope with the fact that his dad blew up in a car and the people he thought were his family (dead dad’s ex-lover and Dylan's half-sister) were actually grifters and they convinced him to put all of his money into an environmental science venture, but then they actually robbed him of his millions and headed out of the country. So, Dylan does a little coke and a little horse and drives his car off a cliff. That brings us to the episode that we need to talk about.

“The Dreams of Dylan McKay”
Dylan is in a coma and the director just watched a David Lynch movie. This “dreamscape” episode will give you more laughs than even the finest comedy. They want it to have the feel of "Twin Peaks," but it kind of comes off like this psychological softcore I once caught where this girl experiences a sexual awakening in the moments of her death and nothing is what it seems. Anyway, the dialogue is amazing, and the bold attempts at surrealism (e.g., midget in a costume, drug dealer in the hellmouth, doctors and nurses in pseudo fetish gear) are more Grieco than Grieco. It’s almost impossible to make it through the entire episode even when you do fast-forward Andrea (who,by the way, makes Steve look youthful), but if you come across it you should definitely give it a shot. I know it’s TV, but I’m giving it 3 ½-Griecos.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Happy Birthday BTS!

Friday is BTS' birthday. He, like myself, has now reached the age of 30. Sure, we're both doing well in our older age, but we shant sleep until Shrift, our Goth-rave-double-crucifixion-laden retlelling of Footloose comes to the big screen and takes the world by storm. Anyway, in honor of BTS, I am reposting the final game of the first-ever Grieco March Madness tournament, which BTS won. Happy Birthday, dude.

Mazes and Monsters vs. Left Behind

What a long strange Grieco it’s been. We have finally made it to the championship and things have turned out a bit differently than I thought they would, which is kind of strange because, you know, I pick who wins. Anyway, the #1 and #2 seeds have all fallen by the wayside, leaving us with a head-to-head battle between (3)Mazes and Monsters from the Boxleitner Bracket and (4)Left Behind from the Voight Bracket. Both films have proven time and time again that they have what it takes to win it all. In order to decide who walks away with the trophy I now turn my focus to an aspect of the films that has not been fully explored: the supporting casts.

Upper-crust Gamers vs. A Man Called Carpathia
We already know about Tommy Hanks and Kirk "Big Baby" Cameron. Both have lead their films to the final game and both have earned a spot in the GIK Hall of Fame (to be housed in Des Plaines, IL). That brings us to the rest of the players.The fact that the Hamptons-dwelling Ivy League types in Mazes and Monsters even play "Mazes and Monsters" makes them an intriguing bunch. Each brings his or her own take on what it is to be a Frenetic, a Holy Man, a “Maze Controller,” or a Fighter. The standout of the group is Frelich (Chris Makepeace of My Bodyguard fame) who, in the so-called real world, wears a different wacky hat in almost every scene and tries to kill himself. It is Frelich who leads the group to the abandoned mines, it is Frelich who comes up with the costumes from the theatre department, and it is Frelich who brings the embodiment of a Gorvil to life through his imagination and some clever lighting. In fact, in the beginning you kind of think Frelich is the one who’s gonna go batshit crazy. Now, we’ve talked about the way the gamers deliver their lines in that earnest fashion, but I have to admit at times there is a weird feeling as though they (Frelich included) might just give up the gaming and start getting it on with each other in some sort of bizarre staged reading of the as yet un-produced, Magik: A Sexy Gathering.

The whole underground revolutionary group that’s trying to bring down the Antichrist in Left Behind is top-rate. There’s the pilot whose whole family (minus his angry daughter) got taken up to heaven, but he didn’t because he was banging a stewardess (Kirk’s real-life wife) who is now going to work for the U.N. There’s the hypocrite preacher, and there's the hot girl who’s real sweet and knows a lot about computers but wasn’t saved because she has pagan tattoos and is obviously way into sex. However, it is the Cold-War-style Nicolae Carpathia who truly elevates the film. He oozes evil and communism and that’s totally what you want from the guy who will bring Hell to the world until, you know, “He cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen,” or something like that. Carpathia has the cold stare and charming smile of the Son of Lucifer. I mean, he’s so cool I’m pretty sure that more than one young Christian has caught himself rooting for The Beast.

The Winner
This is it, y’all. We’re finally here. Mazes and Monsters has captured the hearts and minds of many a GIK reader. Some would even say that the commissioner has developed a bias for this bold piece that tries its best to make nerds (rich or otherwise) look like freaked-out mental cases who want so desperately to be included that they’ll immerse themselves completely in a world of fantasy. However, their HP has hit 0 and their Level 4 Druid’s got nothing left in his pouch. The polyhedron die rolls no more! Left Behind is just perfect in every way. It’s structure, FX, acting, and design want so badly to be a mega-hit. You can almost hear the director arguing with himself as he debates whether or not to throw in some witty line like “Suck on that, Antichrist,” only to accept at the last minute that he isn’t making a Hollywood picture, he's making an anti-Hollywood picture. Left Behind, ignored in the original bracket, resurrects itself to become the first ever GIK tournament champion! That's right baby! You left Mr. Cameron open on the outside and he knocked down the key threes all night! I'm talkin to you Rona Jaffe! Your kids' fantasy novel was good but you couldn't hold off the Lord! That young man's a real diaper dandy and if he stays in school he's gonna be cutting down a lot of nets!Congratulations to Kirk and the gang, and thanks to all of you who have stuck with this thing over the last two weeks.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I miss Phil Hartman, y'all.


Man, they started showing reruns of "News Radio" (one of the greatest shows of all time) on Nick at Nite, and one of the episodes I watched last night was the one where John Ritter comes to the station as Dr. Frank. It made me sad. I've never really gotten over the Phil Hartman thing, and Ritter is a genius in my book. I don't know. It just sucks. If anyone has a specific episode of "News Radio," "SNL," or "Three's Company" that they belive highlights the comic gifts of these two men, I'd love to chat about them, or if there's a movie out there that I've missed starring one or the other or both please let me know.

On a Grieco note: I'm trying to get work in order and then I shall make yet another triumphant return to the world of brilliant cinema.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

Just a quick note that has nothing to do with Grieco or bad movies. Some of you might be interested to know that after many years "Pinky and the Brain" and "Animaniacs" are coming out on DVD tomorrow. I don't know how you feel about these shows, but the episode of "Pinky and the Brain" in which Pinky designs shiny pants in order to bring the world closer together is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on television. If you never watched them when you were too old to be watching them anyway, you should check them out now. There are far too few cartoons about the quest for world domination these days.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Real Dragons, Bro. Real Dragons


If you’re a regular GIK reader you know that I’m a big fan of dragon pictures. I’ve delved into the lore of the mighty beast of yore by reviewing such films as Darkest Knight and Dragonslayer, and Reign of Fire is secretly one of my favorite movies. But my friends I do believe I may have just seen the boldest dragon film of all time. A masterpiece that leaves the others lying in a heap of tarnished gold much like the one that ancient Smaug did lord over.

Dragon’s World: A Fantasy Made Real
The lovely Sherpa surprised me with this gem, having sneaked it on to our Netflix list without me knowing, and thank Odin she did. Dragon’s World was made for animal planet and it’s set up as a documentary (actually two interconnected documentaries) that presupposes the existence of dragons. One of the documentaries is basically “Walking with Dragons.” It uses the same effects as the “Walking with Dinosaurs,” “Walking with Humans,” “Walking with Pants,” etc. This portion of the film follows the evolution of the dragon from prehistoric times to the middle ages. It starts with a scene of a dragon battling a T. Rex, which is pretty much like every dream I had when I was seven. It then explains how the dragon survived the catastrophic event that killed the dinosaurs (there was a water dragon, y’all). After that, it follows the dragon’s reemergence in Asia and its eventual noble last stand against some honorless knights in the Romanian Mountains.

Now, the Walking with Dragons-type piece is intercut with a documentary about a modern day hipster paleontologist who is the laughingstock of the scientific community because he believes in dragons. Well, wouldn’t you know that a strange carcass shows up in the mountains of Romania and he flies off to check it out. Of course, it’s the skeleton of a dragon, and he eventually finds a dragon’s nest, or lair if you will, and discovers the remains of the mighty female dragon that has become the protagonist of the other documentary (note: the “Walking with” portion of the film is narrated by Ian Holm. That’s Bilbo, bitches.)

This piece is awesome. I mean it has all of these pseudoscientific explanations as to why the dragon could fly and breathe fire, and to one who wants to believe they sound totally plausible. I imagine to an objective viewer they sound ridiculous, but screw objective viewers, I’m talking about freaking dragons. I do, however, wish one of the explanations would have been “it could fly because it was effing magick y’all,” but somehow that must have ended up on the cutting room floor. I’m still giving this movie or special or whatever it is 4-Griecos, though. Seriously, you have to see it. Oh, and they totally hint that dragons might still be out there. Chip Chip!

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Return of Clubber

I shit you not. Rocky and Clubber have returned. One shall step back into the ring and the other shall commentate. If you haven't watched the trailer for Rocky Balboa (clever title), you must do so immediately.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Pants!


I had a chance to sip free cola and eat free BBQ at a bold corporate music event last night. Some doucebag won $20,000 for writing a song that I'm pretty sure one of my cats could bang out, and the featured guest of the evening, Macy Gray, didn't show. I imagine she was wandering the streets of Austin, desperate to get her hands on some crack and potato salad. Anyway, she wasn't missed, for a band called Pants from the noble state of North Carolina did fill the mighty hall with purest metal. Yes, a friend that I've known since first grade is in the band, but that kinship did not sway my opinion. Pants' "Pants: A Rock Opera" simply kicks ass. To quote my aforementioned friend, "The rock is pure danger." Even if the ancient art of turning base music into gold is lost on you, you must check out Pants. Seriously, they trotted out a bald, tatooed Monk character who can totally wail in front of a middle-aged corporate crowd, and they have a song about the fearsome Double Snake, a creature that is too terrifying even to discuss, because it's like two snakes. It was awesome. Listen for yourself at http://pantsrocks.com/


Pants promo photo is taken from pantsrocks.com and is subject to copyright.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Dreaded Re-run


The year is more than half over and I'm trying to adjust to my new work schedule, so I thought it would be a good time to look back at the predictions I made at the beginning of the year to see how I was doing. Just so you know, Ocean's 13 is in pre-production and a shark kind of flies in that stupid Uma Thurman super ex-girlfriend movie. The Cubs...well that's another story. Oh, and in my humble opinion, I think if you missed the last GIK post you missed a pretty good one, so check it out.

2006: Year of the Grieco
When I arrived in my hometown of Dallas for Christmas I realized that I hadn’t gotten enough presents for my friends and family. In a last minute effort to rectify the situation I drove my sweet-ass Hyundai to what I’m fairly sure is the largest Tom Thumb in the world. After grabbing various gift cards, several “holiday” bags of Cheetohs, and a nutcracker that does the running man I headed to the checkout line. While the woman in front of me complained about how she just couldn’t find Steak-ums anymore, I perused the tabloids as I am wont to do. All of the best ones (those in black & white) were offering their predictions for the coming year. There are too many forecasts to cover, but let’s just say you, me, and the world’s fattest baby are in for some serious stuff in ’06.

Reading these predictions made me realize that for too long I have neglected the one-hour training I received from some guy in Louisiana when I got my telephone psychic job. I decided to give my powers of prognostication a workout and to do my best to make the actress who played Miss Cleo proud. Wait. Kids, I’m only joking. There really is a Miss Cleo, and on one special night each year she dresses up in a quasi-Jamaican accent and tells all the good boys and girls who have lovers in prison, a fear of dying alone, or an unquenchable thirst for Pop-Tarts and Robitussin exactly what they need to do to make everything OK. Whew! That was close. I would never forgive myself if I ruined things for the little ones. Anyway, without further Grieco, here are my predictions for the New Year.

1. It will finally be revealed that Sarah Jessica Parker is actually that nerdy dude who plays Mitch in Real Genius.

2. My prayers will be answered and Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe, and Eva Longoria will be sucked into a worm hole and deposited on a planet where drunken louts, overrated boorish Aussies, and photo-op whores are forced to work as production assistants on a straight-to-video re-imagining of Godspell.

3. In fulfillment of Prophecy, Grieco’s post-apocalyptic wasteland zombie picture, Raiders of the Damned, will shock the world and break all previous opening weekend box office records.

4. Dako Fa-Fa will raise an army of super-intelligent spider monkeys bent on world domination. She’ll also take on the role of a 12 year-old Eleanor Roosevelt in a life-spanning biopic that will also star Charlize Theron and Shirley MacLaine. All three women will be simply delightful in the film.

5. Sharks will take to the sky.

6. The Cruise-Holmes baby will be born and it’s ability to manipulate both time and space will make us all feel bad for doubting Scientology luminaries like Vinnie Barbarino, Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, and that chick who played Dharma.

7. Ocean’s 13 will go into production, but the level of self-satisfaction and masturbatory filmmaking involved will actually cause Soderbergh and the entire cast (except Don Cheadle) to explode in a brilliant display over Clooney’s Lake Como villa.

8. The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.

9. Special Agent Dale Cooper will get out of the Black Lodge

10. You, gentle reader, will pass this post onto ten of your friends, thus keeping the chain alive. After all, Chet Dinkins of Missouri failed to pass this post on in the allotted time and three days later he found himself working in a call center selling radio ads disguised as PSAs to people who despised him from the moment they heard his voice, while the middle-aged women in the ½-cubicles next to him showed each other the shirts they had made with iron-on pictures of their cats and the guy across the aisle talked about how the community bathroom in the men’s boarding house he lived in was a great place to practice his singing even though it reeked of month-old urine. OK, that was totally me. I had that job in Chicago. There is no Chet Dinkins. But still, if you could pass this on to even like one or two people it would totally help me out, because Burning Man is coming up and I really need something nice to wear.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Thank Grieco It's Friday


So, I’ve returned to the regular workforce. It was a sad day, but my current situation has driven me to leave the house and join the rest of the world in long commutes and fluorescent lighting. Truth be told, it’s a pretty cool job, and very soon it will be a part-time gig, so I’ll still get to spend a few days a week working in my robe. But it took me only two full days in the office to remember how tired the whole real job thing makes me. By the time 11:00 rolled around on Friday night I was exhausted. I took the opportunity to sip on some magic juice, recline on the couch, and settle in for a weekend fit for a fifty year-old. Then, something beautiful happened. As I scanned through various channels, I came upon the Lifetime Movie Network, and I (along with the lovely Sherpa) was able to catch the last half-hour of a Grieco piece I didn’t even know existed.

It was Him or Us
We were thrust right into the action. A sweaty, semi-bloated Grieco is holding his ex-girlfriend and her parents (the mom is played by Anne Jillian) hostage at gunpoint. As he swigs from a non-descript bottle of booze and sniffs continually as though he’s just dying for some coke, Grieco alternates between moments of quiet rage and moments of yelling rage. Seriously, the switch between the two happens on like every line, so Grieco looks kind of like a maniac and kind of like he was giving the director two different takes on the character to choose from, but the director just decided to combine them. As Grieco berates his ex for cheating on him or pretending to cheat on him (it got a little confusing), he wears his sleeveless vest thing with pride and sports eyebrows that are clearly not of this world. Amidst the profuse sweating and stumbling around the house for no apparent reason, Grieco shouts lines like “I’m not stupid!” and “I’m not dense!” with the force of fallen star. As subtlety gets murdered inside the home, the police negotiator tries to talk Grieco down from the outside. (note: one of the cops or something is played by Will Wheaton. The unstoppable Grieco/Wheaton combination would resurface later in a little film I like to call Book of Days.) Anyway, the negotiator brings Grieco’s mom in to try and talk him down, and this makes Grieco start saying all of his lines like a little kid. It’s fucking awesome. OK, so Grieco drops the ex’s dad by whacking him over the head with a rifle, thus raising the stakes and making it imperative for the family to escape and take the old man to the hospital. While the ex-girlfriend distracts Grieco, Ann Jillian climbs through a hole in the basement ceiling, fights through some serious editing problems, gets out of the house, sneaks back into the room where she keeps her .22, and moves in on Grieco who is yelling to the ex, “Our love can’t survive this universe. We’ll be together in another universe!” Ann Jillian then has a sweet slow-mo entrance, and as Grieco turns to see her, she kills him, because…you know…it was him or us.

I can only assume that Acts I and II of this picture are as totally Grieco as Act III. I know I mentioned the man’s eyebrows already, but they’re really doing the work up there, and one of Ann Jillian’s kids who escapes to the outside before the shit goes down is played by little Virgin Camden from “7th Heaven” sporting a wicked mullet. As you know, if Grieco appears in a film it automatically gets an extra 1 ½-Griecos. Now, I don’t feel right judging the entire movie, not having seen how Grieco came to have a rifle, a pistol he holds sideways, and a few hostages, but I do feel comfortable giving the final 30 minutes of It was Him or Us 4-Griecos (see ratings).

Next Friday, if work has beat you down, flip on the old Lifetime Movie Network, you might just be pleasantly surprised. I mean, y’all need to learn more about a woman who was lured into having an affair by a charming older man only to find out that he was married and secretly hated retarded children, so to get even she took up a post as a crossing guard at the school where his daughter went and tempted the child with lollipops and moonbeams and then kidnapped her, demanding that her father publicly humiliate himself by stating in a court of law that he was both an adulterer and a hater of the mentally challenged, but in the end she learns that she doesn’t need to get even to be strong, she only needs herself… she only needs herself, y’all.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Happy ID4!


Dear World,

I hope everyone had a great holiday celebrating our victory over the invading aliens. Things looked bleak in those days of battle, but thanks to our former-war hero Amercian President, a hip street-smart scientist, a drunken lout, a fast-talikng pilot, a variety of stereotypes, and some really bad dialogue, victory was ours!

Let us not forget those who fell in this war against the aliens that kind of look like a hybrid of the alien from Alien and the Predator from Predator, but look nothing like the aliens from Alien vs. Predator (AVP if you're nasty). Yes, we lost many along the way: the gay Jewish man who seemed to encapsulate both of the those noble groups with his sheer subtlety; the pseudo-hippy-flower-child who welcomed the aliens (and starred in "Saved by the Bell: The College Years") only to be destroyed atop the Los Angeles skyline; and the First Lady, who before she died, passed on some comforting words to the lovely stripper who will make the aformentioned cocksure pilot a heck of a wife.

We must now remain focused on the goals ahead and guard ourselves against further attacks from these aliens in a sequel that I can't believe hasn't been made. Seriously, it seemed like a no-brainer, but I guess Hollywood was more concerned with chronicling Riddick and breaking back mountains. However, the threat of future alien attacks is always present, and therefore we must never drop our guard or take our liberty for granted, for if we do, the aliens have already won.

#5

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Oh My Goth!


The Craft
I caught the last half of The Craft on TV last night. It’s a movie I’ve seen several times, but for some reason I haven’t yet given it it’s proper GIK due. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this piece of ‘90s history, it follows a coven of California teenage witches doing their best to set themselves apart from those damn preppies and to wear black stockings under black shorts with floor-length black cape/jackets and way too much makeup on their faces. Three of them have been doing pretty well achieving these tasks, but they don’t really get serious until our heroine Robin Tunney shows up. Turns out, her dead mama was a witch, and she’s got natural powers that go far beyond the crap the other girls learned from books. Seizing the opportunity, the leader of the Coven (the always slightly terrifying/somewhat more terrifying Fairuza Balk) brings Tunney into the circle and invokes some ancient Pagan god that Sherpa assures me is not found in any of the Wicca books she read while listening to the works of Robert Smith and Mr. Martin L. Gore in high school. Anyway, with the aid of this spirit, Fairuza becomes wicked powerful and wicked wicked, killing poor Skeet Ulrich along the way. In the end, Tunney must overcome her fears, accept her power as a witch, invoke the Spirit on her own, and take down Fairuza. She does, and all is happy again.

Now, I have enjoyed The Craft every time I’ve watched it. Most of all because it’s like a contest of bad acting. Seriously, someone will come on the screen, and the next person to enter seems to say, “Please. You thought that was bad. Watch this shit that I’m bringing to the table.” Everyone is so horrendous it’s hard to choose a winner. Neve Campbell (as one of the witches) has this scene where she keeps asking the Spirit (Maintenant, perhaps?) to “take my scars” over and over, and it’s just hilarious. Even the vaguely Portuguese woman who runs the candle/sacred feminine-laden magic shop is just simply awful in her two scenes. Seriously, people are so bad, that young Skeet comes off looking like a star even though he clearly sucks. In the end, though, the true contest appropriately boils down to protagonist and antagonist. The lockjaw-mumbling-I’m-not-gonna-look-at-anybody charm of Tunney vs. the I’ll-chew-up-this-freaking-couch-and-then-I’ll-rip-your-dick-off-with-my-eyes bravura display of Balk. It’s really hard to decide. We reached the point where we thought whichever one was speaking at the time was truly the worst. However, when all was said and done I had to give it to Balk, because her final freak-out in the mental institution kind of blows everything else away. Congrats Fairuza, you’re a champ. (note: This isn’t the first time Fairuza has played a witch. As a child, she appeared as the titular character in The Worst Witch alongside Tim Curry and TV’s Mrs. Garrett. JK Rowling clearly stole the plot of this film for her so-called “Harry Potter” series.)

I’m giving The Craft 3-Griecos (see ratings). It makes me happy, and I don’t know why, and that makes me even happier. I suggest watching it with a former Goth kid, so she can point out all of the inaccuracies when the girls “call the corners,” use their little knives, and do other stuff to make their daddies mad.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Ode to a Fallen Mustang


If you haven't already heard, Aaron Spelling died this week. Not only was Mr. Spelling a Dallas native and a fellow SMU Mustang, he was responsible for the majority of entertainment I have enjoyed in my life: "Charlie's Angels," "Dynasty," "Hart to Hart," "90210," and the greatest nightime soap of all time "Melrose Place" (you may remember that Melrose's Billy was an SMU grad on the show). Because of Mr. Spelling, the illustrious Kev and I had a chance to fly out to LA for free, stay in a ridiculous hotel, and meet the "Models Inc." girls at Universal Studios, and while he may not have been directly involved with "Saved by the Bell," you know he was partly responsible for bringing what is perhaps the most important pop culture mainstay of mine (and Kev's) life to TV. I'm not very good at sounding serious, so I'll let two people who actually knew the man sum it up:

"'He was undoubtedly the greatest producer of popular television during the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s," Joan Collins, who starred in the producer's hit "Dynasty," said Monday. "'I shall always be grateful to him for insisting I play the role of Alexis Carrington on `Dynasty.'"

Heather Locklear, star of Spelling's "Melrose Place," said Monday she was sad to hear of Spelling's death, adding: "'He called me his lucky penny (because Spelling shows she was in were hits) but I am the lucky one because he graced me with his encouragement and talent.'"
(From Forbes.com)

In honor of Aaron Spelling, I suggest that you all scan the Soap Network and catch a rerun of "Melrose," or relive the beauty that is Brenda and Dylan. If not, go rent "T.J. Hooker." It'll blow your mind.

RIP

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Buena Park


There reached a point when I was living in Chicago when everyday became pretty much exactly the same as the one before. I was unemployed at the time, and it wasn’t one of those I’m-really-excitied-and-optimistic-about-the-prospect-of-finding-a-new-job kinds of unemployment. It was more like an I-can’t-believe-I-couldn’t-get-a-job-working-the-front-counter-at-a-fucking-cleaners kind of unemployment. If you’ve never been there, I’ll try to illuminate the situation. You reach the point where you get beaten down so much that you basically give up and you start to revel in the unemployed lifestyle. Sure, you’re totally broke and a little bit suicidal, but you know that regardless of what happens during the day, you don’t have to do a damn thing, and that’s comforting. Anyway, my days during this period (and this was a very long period) began at around 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon. I had started going to bed at 9:00 AM, so things got turned around pretty quickly. I would start the day by looking through the “help wanted” sections of the papers and circling jobs that I had absolutely no intention of following up on. Then my mom would call, and I’d tell her I had some good prospects. Then, if it wasn’t too late I’d try to catch the last couple of innings of the Cubs day game. A couple days of the week, my friends would stop by to make sure I hadn’t gone completely insane, but you know they had to work and be a part of humanity and stuff, so there were many nights I didn’t see anyone. I’d head out on my nightly quest for pizza (sweet Bojonno’s) and porn. Yep, ‘cause no matter how broke you are, you can always dig up money for a slice and some porn. Well, one of these nights as I walked home with pizza in my hand and adult entertainment shamefully hidden in my backpack, I was stopped when I got to my street. One look at the guy’s neck and his white polo-style shirt told me he was a security guard. At first, I thought they had outlawed porn and they’d finally caught up with me. Pissed that I would be going to jail and that I would never know how the intriguing “H.R. Muff n’ Stuff” series would turn out, I thought about making a run for it. Then, I pulled myself together and remembered that security guards can’t arrest you for porn. Except perhaps in Arkansas. God, I hate that state.

“Where you goin’?” The security guard asked.
“Home,” I said.
“Where’s that?”

I pointed to my sweet pad down the street, and he nodded as if to give me permission to continue walking. He then proceeded to follow me to the door of my apartment building. As I walked, I noticed trucks filled with lights, dudes running chords everywhere, and a crafts service station. Then I remembered, they were filming Dragonfly on my block and sweet Kevy Costner was only a few doors away.

Dragonfly
Dragonfly starts out with a heavy Mothman feel. Costner’s pregnant wife dies while trying to bring some much needed doctorin’ to the needy and the indigenous tribes of somewhere in South America, and her body is never found. Costner, a doctor too, starts receiving messages from beyond via his wife’s former-children-cancer-patients-who-have-had-near-death- experiences. These spunky dying little ones, it seems, cross over on a regular basis, and when they return from the Other Side to their beds in a made up Chicago hospital they start drawing strange pictures (sadly not of a mothman) and telling Costner that his wife needs to speak to him. Meanwhile, Costner starts losing his mind back in my old neighborhood. Kathy Bates (go SMU Mustangs!) tries to help him with her wisdom and bizarre haircut, but nothing seems to work. Not even the parrot he lives with can help him out. Some creepy stuff kind of happens, but it’s never really creepy enough. Eventually, Costner meets up with a nun who knows what’s what. The nun is played by the incomparable Linda Hunt, whom you may remember as Ilsa Grunt in a picture I like to call If Looks Could Kill starring Richard effing Grieco. Anyway, eventually with the help of the nun and some of his rafting buddies, Costner tracks down the place where his wife died, and a spirit-vision he has as he’s drowning leads him to the the village of an ancient tribe where he finds….wait for it…his daughter. Yep, the tribe saved the unborn baby from its mother’s womb and raised it until her dead spirit could lead Costner back to it. Just take a second for that to sink in. OK. Got it? You know, I should’ve seen it coming, but I told by myself no way are they going to trot the freaking baby out. Maybe his wife’s body, or some dragonfly bullshit, because his wife had a dragonfly-shaped birthmark don't you know, but the baby? Please. I can’t even---goddamnit how does this crap get made?!

Sorry. While Dragonfly does have the gaping plot holes of The Mothman Prophecies, it lacks Indrid Cold, and without Indrid what’s the point? Oh, and it’s not scary at all, unless you’re kind of freaked out by parrots, which I kind of am because, you know, they can talk. Anyway, I’m giving it 2-Griecos (see ratings). The ending is so ridiculous it almost makes the movie worth watching, but unfortunately Costner’s not as bas as he usually is (of course he’s not good either), so it’s kind of disappointing. Ultimately, I'm giving the movie an extra 1/2-Grieco because it made me miss Chicago’s Buena Park neighborhood, and I didn’t think anything could ever do that. Go Cubs, and give my love to the lady who smells of piss and wears black lipstick all over her face.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Funniest Movie Ever Made


It’s not often that I go to a theater and laugh my ass off for almost the entire length of the movie. Even some of the best comedies struggle at times. However, this weekend I got a chance to see what I believe might be the funniest film ever.

Tokyo Drift
Your refusal to drift disgusts me. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. You’re out on the road driving mommy’s precious car, and you’re not even thinking about drifting. You’re a fucking coward.

Open on Lucas Black of Friday Night Lights/Sling Blade/Fight the Future fame. He’s an outcast; A poor kid in a rich kid’s world. Only way to handle it is to drag race against the kid who played the oldest son on that Tim Allen show whose title eludes me for some reason. Oh that’s right, ‘cause it totally sucked ball. Anyway, Lucas is racing against this once and future douchebag for a date with the bag’s girl. Seriously, after some talk about racing for “pinks,” the girl says “why don’t you race for me?” After some cars are totaled and this house that’s under construction gets destroyed, Lucas gets shipped off to Tokyo to stay with his estranged Navy officer dad. Within one day of being in Tokyo, Lucas meets Bow-Wow (no longer so l'il), a hot chick of questionable ethnic lineage, and a detached Japanese/American mentor who gives Lucas his prized car to race against the nephew of famed Yakuza boss. The problem is, Lucas can’t drift, and apparently if you can’t drift in Japan you’re screwed, because all of the roads are just crazy. After Lucas destroys the mentor’s car, the mentor takes the young yank under his wing and teaches him how to drift, and more importantly, how to live…man. Anyway, turns out the hot vaguely Hispanic/Australian girl is the girlfriend of the Yakuza nephew, and when Lucas tries to make his move, all hell breaks loose. Eventually, the mentor, who is screwing the Yakuza over, gets killed by the nephew in a twenty-minute down and dirty drift-fest/chase/explosion. It’s pretty awesome. Then, the nephew comes after little Lucas, but to settle things and to avoid the mistakes of his father, Lucas faces his problems and, meets with the Yakuza boss, and asks the old man to sanction a race that will send the loser (either Lucas or the nephew) away from Tokyo forever. Impressed by the white kid’s moxie, the Yakuza boss agrees. Lucas borrows a car that his dad was working on, you know an old beat up model that had “potential,” tricks it out with some fine product placement parts, and prepares to race on a mountainside that requires insane drifting skills. However, like the K-12 in Better Off Dead, only one man has ever successfully drifted the mountain. Yep, the nephew. Well, another bold race ensues, the nephew survives a horrific tumbling off of the mountainside, and Lucas drifts to victory becoming the new drift hero of Tokyo and reconnecting with his dad in the process. Then, as he lords over the underground drift scene he is challenged to a race by Vin Diesel, making a strained and awkward cameo. Credits.

What can I say? I loved this picture. I didn’t even hit on the fact that Lucas, for some reason, goes to a high school where only Japanese is spoken by the teachers even though he doesn’t speak Japanese and there are like fifty American schools in Tokyo, or any of the dance party-intercut-with-drifting montages.

Tokyo Drift has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. Now, I know I’m a lover of hyperbole, but I have gone over all of the shitty movies (yes, even the ones on SciFi) that I've watched, and I can’t think of one that has worse dialogue. Like every other line is “there’s an old Japanese saying…” You will laugh out loud many times simply when these kids open their mouths. My only problem with the movie is that there isn’t enough racing. Act II devolves into this terrible love story, which is hilarious, and there’s a sexy night-drifting scene, but come on. I want to see Japanese hipsters racing and doing insane drifting donuts around some sort of sentient robot billboard that simultaneously sells cola and panties. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so. Despite my need for more, Tokyo Drift delivered, and I want everybody to see it. I’m giving it 3 ¼-Griecos (see ratings). It’s a bold new rating for a bold new picture. I would’ve given it 3 ½, but there’s an implied rape scene, and while that’s not as bad as a gratuitous rape scene, it’s still king of gratuitous. But it doesn’t alter my opinion that this is probably the most important film of the summer.

DTLMF!

(note: poor Obidiah got dragged to this movie by TGOGS and me and had a very different opinion. I eagerly await her response.)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A Sexy New Grieco





I'm back, y'all. There was a time when I cared about telling the public about the works of Grieco and other films that almost defy description. Well, that time is here again. No longer will the people waste away in the darkness as films such as Raptor Island and Schindler's List go unwatched. OK, Schindler's List is still totally going unwatched. I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing it. Anyway, I know change can be scary, so please take today to get used to the new look of GIK. There are some new links that you should check out, as well. The Grieco fansite is fantastic and "Monkey Chow Diaries" has already inspired an up-and-coming GIK entry. I'm sorry I've neglected the site, and you, my fellow warriors, for so long. I ask for your forgiveness, and I swear it will never happen again.

Thanks to Sherpa for all of her help with the makeover, both of the site and of my soul. Oh man, I love prescription cough syrup.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Under Construction

I realize that GIK hasn't been the same in a while. There are fewer posts and almost no movie reviews. Well, it's because I've been spending way too much time on my "real" jobs. That's gonna change, my friends. I'm getting rid of one of my real jobs, and focusing up on Grieco once again. In the coming days, look for some bold changes to GIK and for some bold pieces. I intend to to tug at your heart...and your mind. Also, I still have to watch Abominable. Can you believe I haven't checked that shit out yet? Disgraceful.

Go Mavs! (They're gonna get it back together.)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Take 'em in 5

I'm too angry about the Mavs game to talk about Grieco. Even basketball related Grieco type films such as The 6th Man starring Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne, not Dwayne Wade) as some sort of ghost who leads a team to victory won't help. I'll be back tomorrow. Go Mavs. Avenge me.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Sweet Winnie Cooper

I caught about the last five minutes of a SciFi channel piece entitled Path of Destruction. From the description on my guide and the various fake newscasts that occur at the end of the picture, I gathered that it invoves some sort of cloud of nanotechnology that takes on a life of its own and sets out to destroy Mankind. You know how nanotechnology is; always hellbent on one thing or another. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of the ragtag band of would-be warriors doing battle with the evil cloud, and the main one was a spunky young newswoman played by Danica McKellar. That's right. Winnie Cooper. Now, "West Wing" fans were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of little Winnie all grown up, but if you're looking for another way to relive your childhood fantasy of comforting sweet Winnie out in the woods after she gets the news about her brother dying in 'Nam, check out Path of Destruction. Look, I only saw five minutes, but I guarantee it's a 3-Grieco (see ratings) film. I mean, there's a cloud of nanotechnology wreaking havoc on the planet. That's good stuff, y'all. Oh, and in real life, Danica McKellar discovered some sort of math theorem or something, and that's just totally effing hot.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Interview With a Grieco

I’ve been thinking about the perfect way to celebrate reaching 100 posts. I thought maybe I could go back and watch some of the earlier GIK films to see if they still hold up, but I realized that that would involve all kinds of Julia Stiles and I just can’t put myself through that. Then, I thought about coming up with a list of the 100 worst movies of all time. But if GIK has taught me anything, it’s that there are so many horrible movies I’ve yet to discover, so the list would be incomplete. Finally, I realized that the best way to celebrate 100 posts of Grieco was to celebrate the man himself. Sure, I could have done some research to find out about his life, but I have no interest in timelines. I want to get to the heart of Grieco, and the only way to do that is to interview him…or at least to concoct an interview in my mind:


#5: Dick, thanks for being here.

Grieco: My pleasure. You should really think about trimming your eyebrows. You know, really getting them down to a nice racing stripe.

#5: When I’m out on the streets talking to the people, the one question on everybody’s mind is, “When is Grieco going to drop If Looks Could Kill II on us?”

Grieco: (chuckling) I know, I know. Look, you can’t just crank out a sequel to a picture like that.

#5: It’s been 15 years.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: Talk to me about Die, Die, Die.

Grieco: What can you say about Evigan? “My Two Dads,” right? With the Judge?

#5: Did---

Grieco: She was tough but fair, you know?

#5: Yes. Yes she was.

Grieco: (crying) Why do the great ones always die so young?

#5: She was like 80.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: OK. I’m going to throw out some words and phrases, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Grieco: Pudding!

#5: Um…Let’s start now---

Grieco: Pudding is fucking awesome!

#5: Yeah. OK. Johnny Depp.

Grieco: Damn handsome.

#5: Book of Days.

Grieco: Incendiary.

#5: The Legend of Samhain.

Grieco: Cocaine.

#5: Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Grieco: Road head from a Polynesian circus freak on the way to the set of a softcore starring three mimes and my agent’s nephew…or A Night at the Roxbury.

#5: What’s next?

Grieco: Great American novel. It’s about a family dealing with drought and poverty in the Dust Bowl during the Depression. That. And werewolves. There’s lots of werewolves.

#5: Grieco.

Grieco: (pause) Son. Brother. Warrior. Lover. King. All of us.

#5: Wow. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

Grieco: No problem. So, are there gonna be strippers or what?