2-D is Played Out

Sorry it took me so long to get this review finished, but my fantasy football team is preparing to do battle with a man called Anonymous, and I’ve committed all of my free time to figuring out how to hand him his first loss. Seriously, that bastard is 7-0, and that’s just ridiculous. You hear that Anonymous? Your reign of terror is coming to an end, my friend. I dare you to bench your starters. Then we’ll see how tough you are. Coward!

Wow. Now you know how truly cool I am. Anyway, let’s get down to the 3-D revolution.

Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a non-IMAX movie in 3-D. I think the floating arm in Jaws 3 might actually be the last piece of 3-D brilliance I saw in the movie theater. If you’re too young to have seen an ‘80s 3-D movie, well…you’re too fucking young. You’ve also missed out on a great piece of pop culture that never really caught on. It’s a lot like the jet pack; totally kickass in every way, but for some reason not accepted by the masses.

The beauty of these old 3-D movies is that they’re just settling into the technology, so most of the 3-D action has nothing to do with the plot at all. Friday the 13th Part III featured a 20 second scene with a yo-yo going up and down, people would lay brooms and rakes down menacingly so the stick would be pointed at your eye, there was a mouse that walked towards me, popcorn exploded in my face, and a joint came my way from the requisite horror movie stoners. That’s not to say that the killing didn’t come in three dimensions, because every kill involved an object (e.g. harpoon, pitchfork) either being thrown at the victim or protruding from the victim’s back, so the audience didn’t know whether to scream, jump out of their seats to avoid the object, or laugh at the kids in the row in front of them who kept talking about Warcraft the entire movie.

I can’t do justice to the absurdity of the 3-D or to the fun of it. The lovely Sherpa and I had a great time at the movie as did everyone else in the theater. It’s ridiculous, but it’s also quaint in a way; a remnant of a decade that understood that technology shouldn’t be used for communication or study, but for making horror movies more badass and for flying around with a self-propulsion jet pack strapped to your back. That shit was important once, and I for one miss those dreamers who have long since been silenced in deference to those who want to make the Internet faster or want to cure disease. Fuck that. Get me a flying car, a hover board, and make me think a harpoon is headed for my eyeball. That’s fucking progress.

The movie gets 2 ½ -Griecos on its own. It’s horrible in every way. I mean there’s a three-person motorcycle gang that shows up for no real reason at all, and the plot holes are huge even for an ‘80s slasher picture. However, Friday the 13th Part III has vast significance on a pop culture level. It introduces Jason’s hockey mask and machete. We all know Jason’s not in the original (shut up, I’m not including the dream sequence at the end of the movie), and in Part II he wears a burlap sack and kills mainly with an axe, so the importance of Part III can’t be denied. While I believe Michael Meyers’s mask and simple blade are far more terrifying, there are few horror icons that are as recognizable as Jason’s mask and weapon of choice.

With the 3-D, the film easily gets 4-Griecos. You should all try to go see it or something like it, which brings me to my next point: The Alamo Draft House in Austin is the greatest movie theater on the planet. You should all come visit and check it out. I watched 27 hours straight of “Twin Peaks” there, I’ve seen horror movies that don’t get shown anywhere else, and that’s only a small piece of what they do.

OK. I’ve done my advertising for the day. I must now return to the land of fantasy where my second place team is readying themselves to shock the world next week.

Chin up, Passenger 57

Hey y'all,

Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D blew my mind, and then those bits of brain flew off the screen at everybody else. I'll have a full report this week, but I'm still trying to deal with it on an emotional level. In the mean time, check out how the Grieco-worthy Snipes is trying to bring down the government. Fight on Mr. Snipes, and I shall continue to bet on black.

Spooooky!

October is in full swing and I'm very excited, because it's by far my favorite month. Some might suggest that I'm selfish and only like October for it's the month of my birth. I say to those cynical pricks, "Nay, sirs. My love of October stems from my love of all things terrifying." It's true. Every movie channel this month is doing like a "13 Days of Halloween" thing, so there are going to be horror pictures on all of the time. And on top of that, tomorrow is Friday the 13th. It's like a beautiful goth dream. Speaking of beautiful goth things, the lovely Sherpa and I will be attending Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D this weekend, so expect a bold, multi-dimensional review next week. I also have a ton of horror movies on the Netflix, so it should get fucking scary around here really soon. In the mean time, I'd like to highlight some of my favorite horror movies. I'm assuming that you've seen the classics, so I'll try to focus on movies that you might have overlooked. Some are Grieco-worthy, others are just awesome:

Halloween 4 and Halloween 5: Last Halloween, I got to see Part 4 on the big screen for the first time, and it reaffirmed my belief that it's one of the coolest horror movies of all time. Now, I know that the original and Part 2 are incredible, and if you haven't seen them you truly suck. I also know that Part 3 is beyond Grieco, Part 6 is cool but has problems, and that H2O and Ressurection are abominations and a disgrace to the title "Halloween." But Parts 4 and 5 (especially 4) are damn near perfect. The kid who plays young Jamie is the best child actor ever to grace the screen, the deaths are brutal, and the Michael Meyers/Dr. Loomis scenes are on a whole other level. 4 & 5 are linked in the same way as 1 & 2, so I suggest watching them back-to-back.

Peeping Tom: BTS could probably give a better breakdown as to why this movie is important in the grand scheme of things, but I'll just say it's one of the creepiest movies I've seen, and it was way ahead of it's time. You should check it out.

Suspiria: Italinan director Dario Argento is famous among horror nerds, but I've noticed that a lot of normals haven't seen his work. The dialogue in Suspiria is ridiculous and the plot holes are larger than any gaping wound, but the look of the movie is unlike any American horror movie I've seen, the deaths are just insane, and the prog score by Goblin will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Wait Until Dark: Audrey Hepburn is a blind girl and a young Alan Arkin basically plays three different parts. It's pretty obvious that it was a play first, but it's still cool and kind of scary. Also, Hepburn is just damn cute.

Motel Hell: A Grieco-style film that has some nice gore, disgusting sound effects, and the great Rory Calhoun. Not for everyone, but I think a lot of you might get a kick out of it.

OK, I know I said I was going to gloss over the classics, but I have to say a few things. If you haven't seen the original The Omen your life has been but half lived. If you're a fan of The Exorcist you need to see the remastered version with the Death Face. That shit is messed up. If you're a fan of The Exorcist II: The Heretic give the aformentioned BTS a call, because the man knows way too much about that film. The Shining is freaking horrifying every time I wacth it, and I'm pretty sure those little girls will be waiting for me at the Gates of Hell when I die. The sister in Pet Sematary is one of the freakiest things I've ever laid eyes on, and when she says "Raaachael" I feel as though I'm the one with spinal meningitis.

That about does it for me today. Enjoy the 13th and I'll tell you if machetes really are scarier in 3-D.

Author's note: I had no spellcheck on this and I'm a horrible speller, so I'm sorry if there are any huge mistakes.

Is it March Yet?

This past March we emabrked on what I believe to be the single greatest quest in the history of blogs about bad movies and my time as a telephone psychic. I am, of course, speaking of Grieco Madness. It was two weeks of head-to-head battles that separated the wheat from the Grieco or the Grieco from the chaffe or something like that. Anyway, I know March is still months away, but I'm determined to keep the dream alive and bring the tournament back for a second go around. Now, I'm sure there are movies out there that you'd like to see take a shot at winning at all. Perhaps I haven't seen some of these films or perhaps I've forgotten about them because I spend all of my time writing for The Man and his dastardly products. Who knows. Either way, I want your input on this one, so we can put together some brackets that will blow minds.

Just so you know, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force will try to pick up where the Part I left off and win another one for the Lord. Other than that, the field is wide open. Feel free to submit as many ideas as you like, but remember that the list will eventually be narrowed down to eight, and from those eight, one great champion shall rise.

Rrrrost

Season three of "Lost" starts on Wednesday. I'm freaking out. I'll get back to y'all when I've recovered from the awesomeness.