TGOGS

The Ghost of Gene Siskel here, coming off the bench for #5 as he finishes up his month of silence at the Greater Pflugerville Buddhist Meditation Zone. I humbly thank him for the guest slot; for the rest of you, I have a question. Have you ever purchased a videocassette at Goodwill because it had the most evocative, enticing cover you’ve ever seen? If so, you, like me, probably picked up this gem.

The thing about the cover, though, is that the futuristic, Star Wars-inspired artist’s rendering belies the gritty, workaday action flick that lies within. Someone in Marketing must have realized this, for I’ve found two alternate versions on the net, neither as compelling as the one above. But enough about the outer facade – let’s get up in the guts of the film itself:

SAVAGE DAWN
This 1989 picture opens with badass loner Stryker (artfully portrayed by Lance Henrickson) fueling up his futuristic motorcycle (1) at a remote desert gas station, smoking right by the pump. Up rolls a motley crew of leather-clad bikers who proceed to harass a nice young lady and bully the owner. (I swore one of the bikers was Randy Quaid for half the film, and his little buddy bore a striking resemblance to Alan Cumming in Chicago, as noted by the lovely Obadiah. At any rate, they make for a powerful comic duo throughout.) Henrickson intervenes in the kerfuffle and the bikers turn on him, choosing to gang up on him in the classic one-dude-makes-a-clumsy-lunge-with-a-heavy-object-while-the-others-snarl-on-the-perimiter, waiting-their-turn style of combat. He kicks some ass, rides his bike over a station wagon and tears off toward the sleepy desert town of Agua Dulce. Upon arrival, he receives a less-than-warm welcome from the Sheriff, Deputy Joe-Bob (who moonlights as a take-all-comers brawler in the local saloon) and another deputy who is, yep, a midget. Then a local blonde comes up out of nowhere to lay a serious kiss on Henrickson, and the fuzz backs off. We learn that she’s his best friend’s daughter, who he hasn’t seen since she was a little girl. Her status as love-interest is immediately and creepily established. But who’s this best friend Stryker is seeking out? Why it’s George Kennedy, a wheelchair-bound weapons expert with whom Henrickson has apparently gone through some very dark and blood-soaked times (Special Ops?). Man. They sure are relieved that all that’s behind them now...

Or is it? (It isn’t.)

So the “Savages,” as the gang calls themselves, rumble into town, now in their full numbers, which are legion. Here we meet the leader of the pack, the dude who plays John Goodman’s sidekick in Raising Arizona (“Mighty fine cereal flakes, Ms. McDonough.”). He’s playing pretty much the same role, except meaner and bearded, with a limp. It’s great. The bikers start some trouble in the saloon, with this guy fighting Deputy Joe Bob and winning only when Cereal Flakes steps in to cheat. The bar wench, a drunken Karen Black, decides that now is a good time to say “screw this town” and hops on the back of Cereal Flakes’ bike as the gang rumbles away. Henrickson observes all, disgusted but passive.

And so it goes, bikers breaking shit and ripping girls’ shirts off while Henrickson suppresses his fighting instincts, until they mess with someone he cares about. It’s George Kennedy’s teenage son, who gets dragged behind a motorcycle and scuffed up pretty handily. Henrickson saves the kid and they hole up in Kennedy’s compound (no pun intended) on the outskirts of town to prepare for the all-out-war they know is coming. But instead of doing the obvious thing and equipping Henrickson’s bike with all manner of boss weaponry, Kennedy pieces together some sort of potato gun rocket launcher out of PVC pipe, tinfoil and a professional-grade explosive head which he evidently unscrewed from a real rocket launcher and duct-taped to his contraption. A few Savages come out to try to start shit, wielding chains, blades and a cordless drill, but Henrickson dispatches with them swiftly. And here I need to discuss a specific aspect of the fight choreography. I’m not certain that it happens in this scene, but I do know it happens. Henrickson, surrounded by thugs, dipping, dodging, outmaneuvering, outfoxing, in a moment of inspiration, grabs the most convenient makeshift weapon at hand, which happens to be a fucking rattlesnake, and stabs a dude in the neck with it. That’s the caliber work we’re dealing with.

As for the rest of the bad guys, they devise a scheme whereby a couple of hot biker chicks will saunter up to the gates of the local Army base (motto: “To Protect and Serve,” which I thought belonged to a different outfit, but never mind), seduce the dimwitted guards, and then bust in en masse. All goes according to plan, and they manage to steal a couple of tanks. Nobody ever comes after them for this, if you were wondering. And so the stage is set for the final showdown.

The pandemonium reaches a fever pitch in down town Agua Dulce. The Savages are getting down to some serious “partying,” including the cold-blooded murder of a barber who’s trying to spread the Gospel (played for laughs) and yet another biker harlot seducing the town’s preacher, who is also, for no reason, also the mayor (2). Now is the time when our heroes spring into action. Kennedy suggests that they sneak into town through the mines, which have never been mentioned up until this point. He and Henrickson do so and emerge in some sort of Chinese bodega – you see, there is now a large Chinese population in the town that appears to have been cut from the rest of the film but is integral to Act III. Not Americanized Chinese, mind you – they mill about in silken vestments and conical bamboo hats. They’ve even got their own hero, a young man who joins forces with Team Stryker. Welcome to the film, Chinese villagers!

So the blonde stages a diversion by attempting to usurp Cereal Flakes’ bitch seat from Karen Black. While the Savages hoot and holler at the ensuing cat fight, Kennedy sends the local retarded kid on what could be a suicide mission – taking his bomb-stuffed teddy bear over to one of the bikers’ tanks and leaving it there to explode. It’s a total close one, since the kid is retarded and all, but it works, the tank blows up and Kennedy starts taking shit out with his potato gun – bye, Alan Cumming. The Chinese guy gets into the mix, nobly attempting to justify his inclusion in the film. Finally, Henrickson shows up, kills Cereal Flakes and various supporting characters, and the remaining Savages bug out and the town is safe once more. Henrickson and blonde, sunset, credits.

As all GIK regulars know, there are bad movies that you struggle through and bad movies that you just can’t get enough of. Savage Dawn is definitely one of the latter. It moves pretty well and has all the right ingredients. The clichéd everything, gratuitous boob shots and cavalcade of B-list stars all coalesce to make this one of the finest crappy movies ever to have graced my shelf. I’m giving it 3 ½ Griecos (see ratings)– the extra ½ Grieco is for the fucking snake.

----

1The bike is the only thing remotely futuristic about the film – it’s kind of a precursor to the Kawasaki Ninja.

2This bit part is played by Richard Lynch, who receives billing on the poster while Henrickson gets none. He must be somebody – he has 151 credits to his name on imdb, none of which I’ve managed to see. No clue who he is, but I’m sure one of you dorks knows. Kev?

A Quick Thought on Grieco

Grieco, like the Universe, is always expanding.

One Day 'til The Ghost of Gene Siskel.

Why Grieco? Why?

Y'all remember when I used to review bad movies and talk about the crazy dreams I'd have? Man, those were good times. I am currently in the middle of a move and I have now officially worked 18 of the last 19 days, oft' until the wee hours o' the morn'. I knew this working from home shit would turn ugly at some point. In order to deal with the insanity, I will be bringing in The Ghost of Gene Siskel as a guest blogger at some point this week. He is a lover of bad cinema and a true American talent, so treat him nice. I have also sent various emails to various clients to tell them to fucking chill down, so hopefully I will be back to normal soon. I ask you to stay with me, not for myself, but for Grieco. Yeah, Grieco. All he ever wanted was to find a pretty dame and live the quiet life, but this crazy world never gave him nothin' but a ball of wax. Yeah, that's right, a ball of wax!

I'm gonna work some more and then go to bed.

Clip Show

Work will be the death of me and the death of Grieco. I ask you to hang in there with me until the middle of next week. I know I said that last week, but I really mean it this time. Meanwhile, please check out these past posts that I believe will make you smile:

She's Runnin a Little Bit Hot Tonight

Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail

and my personal favorite, The Trytophan Parallel


And Grieco said to me, "those are the times when I was carrying you."

Mammoth Watch

Well, my good friends at the SciFi channel are at it again. Mammoth is hitting the small screen this weekend, and with a tagline like "We hunted it to extinction, now it's hunting us" you know it's gonna be kickass. It also stars Tom Skerritt, a true believer in Grieco and a great American hero. Hell, let's see what the gifted people behind films such as Manticore, Minotaur, and Frankenfish had to say about their latest piece:

"When a meteor smashes into a Pleistocene museum, the fury of a partially frozen, 40,000-year-old mammoth is unleashed on a small country town.Under orders to contain the threat posed by the mammoth at all costs, Special Agents Powers (Leila Arcieri) and Whitaker (Marcus Lyle Brown) are given 17 hours to kill the mammoth or else the entire town will be decimated. The agents recruit local paleontologist Dr. Frank Abernathy (Vincent Ventresca) to help them hunt down the creature before its rampage of death and destruction reaches the outside world.With the clock ticking and the body count rising, the only chance Dr. Abernathy has of saving his daughter, Jack (Summer Glau), and B-movie-fanatic father, Simon (Tom Skerritt), is to help the agents destroy his life's work."

I'm pretty sure Marcus Lyle Brown was in SciFi's Locusts, so you know he's got the goods. Check it out if you have the chance, and pray that it ends with the birth of a baby Mammoth so we can all dream about, as The Ghost of Gene Siskel is fond of saying, the sequel that will never happen.

p.s. please try the links, I'm really proud I figured out how to do them.

And a Homecoming Queen

So, I am heading out to LA in a couple of weeks to, you know, take the world by storm with my unique brand of hair-care products and exfoliates. Since I received my tickets, I’ve been having these bizarre daydreams about the trip. I’ll be working or watching the latest episode of “Cash in the Attic” with uber Brit Alistair Appleton and I’ll see myself at some LA party. I don’t know what I’m doing there, but I feel pretty at home. As I make my way from the bar to the indoor kiddy pool, I run into my good friend Corbin Bernson. He’s eating celery out of a papaya-flavored tortilla and talking to Parker Stevenson about a possible “Hardy Boys” remake. “You know, like the "Case of the Headless Magician" or some shit. We’ll get Corey Nemic to play the villain. I’ll direct. It’ll be fucking brilliant,” Bernson says as he greets me with a knowing nod. I nod back to Corbs and twist and turn my way through the crowd that is growing on the Plexiglass dance floor. I accidentally step on Tony Danza’s foot. He does an ape grunt, puts me in a headlock, yells “Samanther” and starts two-stepping with an ultra-buff Jonathan Lipnicki and that bitch Kimmy Gibler. I shake off the Danza encounter and head to the backyard. Kirk Cameron is atop a palm tree cursing all of the party-goers and decrying them as wicked sinners who will surely perish in the Fiery Furnace. In the middle of his sermon, the entire cast of Best of the Best 3 starts chanting “jump, jump, jump…” Soon, Kirk remembers a time when he thought the Good Book was actually "Tiger Beat," gives into the whims of the crowd, and leaps from the tree to land safely in the pool. This instantly causes others to follow suit and soon everyone is jumping in the pool fully clothed, splashing about, and listening to classic tunes of the ‘50s and ‘60s. Not wanting to get my Fila terrycloth jumpsuit wet, I head back inside and take the opportunity to makeout with a wasted Elizabeth Berkely who keeps yelling “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so scared,” but I don’t care because she’s totally Jesse Spano and Nomi Malone, and that’s wicked hot. Just as I am getting ready to ditch Berkley to try to score with the delightful Anne Hathoway (the closest thing to an A-lister at this thing), I hear his voice from across the room.
“You,” his voice cuts through me like a Glave. I turn to see Grieco standing over the onion dip and backlit like some kind of a god. He snaps his fingers and motions, no demands, that I join him.
“I read your shit, and I am not pleased.” His wax-thin eyebrows raise, his hair plugs spark, and he drops me with a shot to the nose. Grieco then starts to laugh and throws money at me on the ground just like in The Godfather.

Man, what an awesome daydream.

The Passion of The Grieco

In honor of Good Friday and Easter, I thought it would be a great time to mock the religion of my birth with an insightful look at the film that reinvigorated Faith and brought an obscure Holocaust-denying sect of Catholicism to light. Oh Mel Gibson, where was your Nazi-loving “don’t go there Diane” father when you were filming that piece of shit Ransom? Anyway, here’s the deal. I haven’t actually seen The Passion of the Christ. I hear there’s like a nine-minute flogging scene, and if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s floggings that last more than say two, three minutes. I also know how it all turns out: Mary Magdalene is buried in the Louvre, right? Now, I’m not usually one to review a film that I haven’t seen, but I think it is OK here. For those of you who have braved this awe-inspiring piece, please correct me if I’m wrong.

The Passion of the Christ
OK. My mom loves Jim Caviezel, the guy who plays Jesus, so she sends me most of the movies he’s in. I’ve checked out Frequency and the very awesome Count of Monte Cristo, as well as some claptrap that he’s in with Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman. Anyway, he’s kind of generic but he’s not terrible, so I’m sure he knocks out the Aramaic thing alright. Let’s ignore the acting and all that anyway, and let’s get down to what really matters: the audience. If you remember, people fucking freaked out when this movie opened. Churches booked theaters for the entire day and bussed in blonde children, and the Protestants and the Catholics went on TV together and decided that they could finally be dicks about the same thing, and they said it was a wakeup call for Hollywood and that this film proved that Christians are a viable movie-going audience. Well, no shit. Don’t Christians make up like at least 80% of the fucking population? Who was it that was going to movies before? Just the heathens in NY, LA, and Chicago and the two Jewish guys who live in Nebraska? Yeah, your people are so oppressed and forced to see movies with violence other than flogging, and God forbid your kid might accidentally catch a glimpse of tit up there on the big screen.

So the Christians got all high and mighty for a change and told everybody to see this movie and that it was true to the Bible and the most real portrayal of the Passion ever, or at least I guess since The Oberramagau. Well, let’s take a look at that claim. First of all, the flogging bit is given about two to three lines in the Bible depending on which Gospel you're down with, so I guess even Mel knows you gotta “sex” things up a bit for the people. He is of course the man who made Braveheart, one of the most gratuitously violent, hook-in-the-balls movies I’ve ever seen. Second of all, Batshit Gibson based much of his work for The Passion on a book written by a Nun that many believe was insane and drew her conclusions not from the Bible or the Lord but from some crazy dude named Gene that liked to whisper in her ear. Alright, I don’t really know if his name was Gene. Third of all, I believe (let’s remember that I haven’t seen this thing) that there is a “Satan” figure that lurks in the shadows and has bugs or rodents or reptiles or some other lower beasts crawling around him at all times. Come on, that shit’s not in the Bible. Sure Lucifer makes that bold appearance in the desert and unleashes some truly metal type stuff in "Revelation," but he’s not like some villain in a Spiderman comic. Fourth of all, what the fuck? Seriously. I have no problem with making a movie about Jesus. I mean, God knows it beats a lot of the crap out there, and I do love happy endings. But people just acted like it was gonna change the world and film and all that, and it’s just the work of this guy who used to be kind of funny when he would play crazy but is now not so funny that he’s actually crazy. One good thing did come out of it, though. Left Behind III: World at War got a bigger budget on the heels of The Passion, so that’s cool. Anyway, sorry I took it down a notch today. I’ll get back to reviewing movies that matter next week. Oh, I’ll give The Passion 1-Grieco, but if you pray real hard you can turn that into enough Griecos to feed the entire crowd.

Stay With Me, Grieco

'Sup y'all. I have finally got this work thing under control. I will be back tomorrow with a real post and next week should be filled with bold looks into the world of Grieco and perhaps even a post about Griecotology which is a bullshit religion that I'm just gonna pull out of my ass. Right now I know that it involves Grieco, a magic sword, an Elven princess, a bucket of water, and this guy who works at the Golden Chick down the street. I'll let you know when I've figured it all out.

KIG

Ted Theodore Logan

It’s great to be back. Cubs have been looking pretty good during my hiatus.

Now, let’s focus on something that has been bothering me of late or at least since yesterday when I watched Constantine. For those of you who don’t know (and I fear that is most of you) Constantine is based on a graphic novel and it follows that tale of lung-cancer-ridden-former-suicide-current-demon-slayer John Constantine. It is basically up to good old John (played by Keanu Reeves) to stop the birth of the Son of Satan and maintain the balance of good and evil in the world in order to save Mankind. Now, there are few things I love more than bold graphic novels (and the movies based on them) that deal heavily in Catholic mythology and iconography. Seriously, I love that shit. In fact, some might suggest that The Ghost of Gene Siskel and I are working on such a piece. Others might suggest that I’m a complete dork. Anyway, it is not the plot of Constantine, the fact that former Bush front-man Gavin Rossdale has a speaking role, or even the nearly incoherent plotting of the film that bothers me. In fact, I was entertained, and Peter Stormare’s slightly-effeminate, vaguely-Southern Satan is one of the best portrayals of Lucifer I’ve seen. What bothers me is that people keep casting Keanu Reeves as The One. Seriously, that is a strange bit of typecasting to fall into. It’s not like always playing the cop, the coach, or the victimized wife, or even, as Matt Damon has demonstrated, the fast-talking-streetwise-genius. I mean playing the savior of all Mankind once is a pretty big deal, but Keanu’s basically made a career out of it, and he doesn’t even change his inflection or make any sort of facial expressions ever. Let’s break it down Grieco style:

Constantine: We just hit on some of the highpoints of this film, but there is more to discuss. That damn Shia LaBeouf is in it as the eager-sidekick-that-you-just-know-is- going-to-have-a-dramatic-death-scene. I don’t know why, but I totally hate this kid. Also, Academy Award Darling Rachel Weisz looks confused up there as she plays twins, wanders through Hell, and, like all of us, tries to figure out how Keanu Reeves keeps getting work. That said, there’s some nice angel/demon shots and Tilda Swinton makes the hottest Arch Angel Gabriel I’ve ever seen (sorry Walken in The Prophecy). Overall, I give it 2 ½-Griecos

The Matrix I, II, and III: OK. Neo is Keanu’s most famous portrayal of The One. I love the first one, think the second one pretty much sucks, and the third one is one of the worst films ever made. You know what these movies are all about, and Keanu’s acting style almost works as Neo has spent most of his life as little more than a computer program. Also, I once met Carrie Ann Moss when Kev won a contest that allowed us to fly to LA to meet the "Models Inc." girls. (Matrix Reloaded: 1 ½-Griecos; Matrix Revolutions: ½-Grieco)

Johnny Mnemonic: This film kind of gave birth to The Matrix trilogy. It’s set in a dystopic futureworld where everybody has barcodes on their necks and stuff like that. Reeves is the titular robot messenger who runs afoul of “The Corporation” and eventually must team up with a ragtag group of underground hackers to keep his head from exploding and to save Mankind. Reeves is a robot, so again, it kind of works. If you can make it through the second half of this complete and utter mess, I salute you. (1 ½-Griecos)

A Walk in the Clouds: I have no idea if Keanu saves the world in this one, because there is not enough cash or blowjobs in the world to make me sit through this pile of mung.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure/Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey: Okay, so he’s not The One in this, but he is one of The Two. What can I say; I love both of these movies. I think Bogus Journey is highly underrated. I mean Bill Sadler as Death is just awesome. There are Bergman spoofs, Steve Vai guitar licks, and Station (yeah, Station). (Excellent Adventure: 4-Griecos; Bogus Journey: 4-Griecos)

Alright, we’ve hashed it out. Apparently if you are born with perfect bone structure and a complete inability to act (see above and Bram Stoker’s Dracula) you are truly The Chosen. I don’t get it. I mean what the fuck? Seriously, how does he keep getting this kind of work? I know he’s handsome, but come on! OK, so he’s totally cool as Johnny Utah in Point Break.

Grieco Shall Return

Hey y'all, work is destroying me. However, I will return Wednesday with restored energy and the desire to talk about a little film I like to call SS DoomTrooper. Please feel free to catch up on some past posts.

Hold on to Grieco, for he holds on to you.

A Quick Note

Hey, y'all. Sorry for the general lack of posting this week. While I had all kinds of free time during tournament week, I have now fallen victim to this whole work thing, and I haven't been able to watch any movies, which totally sucks because my mom just sent me a copy of The Island that is begging to be reviewed. Anyway, I should have it under control by the end of next week. I do have some things planned, but on days that I can't post I urge you all to peruse the archives and check out the stuff that you might have missed or forgotten. Thanks for sticking with GIK in these times of tribulation.

Cry "Grieco," and let slip the dogs of war.

If Music Be the Food of Love...

In my college days, I was one of those kids who did the whole Wizard of OZ/Darkside of the Moon thing. It totally blew my mind, and it continued to blow my mind the next three or four times I tried it. Now, I’ll leave the “did they or didn’t they” debate to those who frequent the Pink Floyd laser shows, and I will say that this is not a lone phenomenon. A friend of mine (the one who suggested this post) discovered that ELO’s concept album Time plays perfectly with Species 2. We also stumbled onto the fact that there is an ‘80s mix CD that I’m sure was created to be played with this obscure “Tiger Seal” documentary that is on Discover or National Geographic. Trust me, when you hear “Toy Soldiers” by Martika play while this poor little animal gets tossed in the air, you will cry. Unless of course you have no soul. Anyway, all of this got me thinking about possible music/movie combos that might work out. Here is a short list of what I came up with.

Steve Vai’s Passion and Warfare with The English Patient
Let’s face it. Only the sweet rock melodies of Vai could make this piece-of-shit movie bearable.

The Flaming Lips’ The Soft Bulletin with The Hobbit (Animated)
I think this disk probably works with anything especially if there is ‘Tussin dust involved, but I really believe it’s gonna take what is already a badass cartoon to the next level.

Trans Am’s Futureworld with Futureworld

Hall & Oates’ Greatest Hits with Weekend at Bernie’s
I really think there is something to this one. Both pieces are clearly fueled by cocaine, and both feature a comically mismatched pair consisting of one WASP and one ethnic dude. And it's Hall & Oates, so you can't really go wrong.

That's all I got for now. Please let me know if you have stumbled upon any other combos or if there are any you are seriously contemplating.

Guest Post

I had something prepared for today, but the world-famous Kev left a comment yesterday that I believe is "guest post" worthy. He calls himself "Anonymous," but the structure of the piece is clearly Kev's. That, and he told me he wrote it. So, here it is in case you missed it.

From the Desk of Anonymous:

Dear GIK,
Did you know that it is National Library Week? Well, in celebration, I offer my favorite library-related films. Guess which one lends itself most freely to GIK worthiness...

3. Party Girl
Mary is a free spirited party girl who is forced to work in the library after her godmother bails her out of jail. One night Mary gets stoned and breaks into the library to memorize the Dewey Decimal System. She throws herself into her work and ultimately decides to go to library school. In one powerful speech, her godmother remarks on how Dewey hired women as librarians because they couldn’t be expected to think too much. This is a quirky film, but offers a positive image for librarians.

2. UHF
The manager of a small TV station hits it big with a mix of crazy programs. A vignette for the program Conan the Librarian features a patron asking for a book on Astronomy. Conan picks him up and says threateningly "Don't you know the Dewey Decimal Classification?" Later, Conan slices another borrower in half for returning a book late. Conan is the librarian many of us have wanted to be.

1. Soylent Green
In the year 2022, a homicide cop investigates a murder and finds an explosive secret. He must get this knowledge to the Council, a ruling body made up of librarians because they are the only ones left in this society who know how to get information. A dark film, but an interesting spin on the information explosion.

Thanks for the reviews Kev, and if this thing ever gets turned into a book I will gladly take credit for them.

Opening Day

'Sup y'all? I'm still recovering a bit from the GIK tournament and I'm getting ready to watch the mighty Chicago Cubs take the field today in the first game of what will surely be their World Series season. I will return tomorrow with a post suggested by a long-time reader who is too lazy to come up with a clever screen name. That's right "Anonymous", I'm talking to you. If that even is your real name.