Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Shhh. The Doll Lady is Everywhere.

Halloween is finally here. I love it, but it saddens me, as I now have to let the spoookiness go until next year. However, I do have one day left for terror, and I am going to use it.

Myself, the lovely Sherpa, and our House Guest from the West Coast (HGWC) have spent the last week watching various horror movies and “documentaries” on the Travel Channel and Discovery. I'm a fan of the one where the guy goes to old English castles and says stuff like “I'm getting that a man named John or James once lived here." Really? You think in the last 800 years a British guy named John or James might have lived there? Crazy. I bet if I go to a family reunion I'll meet at least seven dudes named Frank. Am I psychic, now?

Sorry, I've lost track. Oh, so we've been getting in the spirit, and the ladies even carved some awesome pumpkins (Mr. Burns as Bram Stoker's Dracula is my favorite). We checked out Fright Night (doesn't hold up at all, but '80s dance scene is still hot) and HGWC suggested we check out Dead Silence...and so we did.

Dead Silence
When I first saw the preview for this in the theatre, I was really fired up. There was a creepy old chick who was way into equally creepy dolls. It seemed to have the makings, you know? I heard terrible things, though, so I kind of let it come and go. However, at the video store we decided to go all ventriloquist dummy, so we rented Magic (classic) and Dead Silence (uncut).

OK, so this movie has some of the worst dialogue you will ever here. This particular line is perhaps my favorite ever: “In the town where I'm from, a ventriloquist dummy is a bad omen.” Man, it just doesn't get any worse than that. Then, there's Donnie Wahlberg (on the back-up) playing a rough-around-the-edges cop. Unfortunately for all of us, Donnie has chosen as a his character quirk/actor trick to randomly shave with an electric razor at various points throughout the film. Seriously, he'll be like mid-conversation and just start shaving. I don't even know, man. I guess it's tough being in the shadow of the younger brother who you created.

Anyway, despite terrible dialogue, the electric razor, and gaping plot holes, there are some legit scares in Dead Silence. I have to admit, it was much scarier than I thought it was going to be. You have to fight through a lot of nonsense to get there, but when it delivers, it really delivers (the mortuary scene is particularly frightening). HGWC and I are both huge horror fans and have seen many a scary picture in our day, and I will tell you, we both had nightmares about Dead Silence after watching it. The Lovely Sherpa, however, did not, and I've seen her get scared by commercials, so take it for what it is.

That said, I'm giving Dead Silence 3-Griecos. I like the scares, I like the twists, I love the horrible dialogue. I would have given it 3 1/2-Griecos, but there is this CGI tongue that kind of ruins a lot of scenes.

Happy Halloween! May the shades and wraiths be with you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I am Robin of Locksley!

The lovely Sherpa sent me a great article from MSNBC chronicling the worst movie accents of all time. It seemed like a very Grieco article, and the writer even seems to posses a bit of that Grieco rage, so you really need to check it out.

It starts out talking about Russell Crowe's accent in the previews for American Gangster, and I'm glad somebody is talking about it. The man sounds ridiculous. It reminds me of when I had to play a Romanian in a play in college and I basically came in with my really bad imitation of hated Chicago Bull Tony Kukoch (who is, by the way, not from Romania). Crowe isn't tapping into his inner Eastern European, but he is butchering the New York accent. I know, I know, it's already pretty ugly, but it's not the generic nonsense Crowe seems to be bringing. Anyway, it's nice to see Crowe get called out. He's been a hack for at least like 5 years. Anyway, here's the list (and my thoughts):


Dick Van Dyke (Mary Poppins): OK. He has a point. But it's Van Dyke, man.

Brad Pitt (The Devil's Own): I can't believe I haven't brought this picture up before. Pitt's Irish dialect truly rivals some of the worst shit you've ever heard. It makes Cruise in Far and Away sound like Colm Meaney.

Angelina Jolie (Alexander): Sadly, I haven't seen this movie, and I am sure it is pure Grieco. I can't stand Jolie, though, so I am sure it's a dead-on selection.

Gary Oldman (State of Grace): So many bizarre Oldman accents to choose from. I like that he went with this one as it's an American (NY) accent he butchers. Those Brits are so fond of mocking us for our poor dialect work. How does it feel now, Brits? Yeah, that's right. Probably similar to the way it felt when Prime Minister Lord North resigned, huh? Yeah, Treaty of Paris, son!

Uma Thurman (Henry and June): OK, this is one of Sherpa's favorite movies, so I invite her to comment on the validity of this entry on the list. I will say that this movie, much like Basquiat, makes me want to kill people.

Tim Robbins (Mystic River): This is a bold entry, because Robbins won the Oscar for this. I have to say that I couldn't get past the whole “vaguely retarded” thing he was doing to even really deal with the accent.

Winona Ryder (Bram Stoker's Dracula): What more can I even say about her performance in this movie. Please read “Hang Your Head in Shame” for a different take at what is one of the worst performances of all time. He could have put Keanu in here, but as he suggests, that's just too easy. Not too easy for me, as I listed it as the worst "non-Costner" accent of all time. Oh, and while you're at it, check out “Hang Your Head in Shame II.” I like that one.

Forest Whitaker (The Crying Game): Another bold entry. Haven't seen it in long time. Kind of forgot he was British in this, but I do remember a cricket outfit, so that makes sense I guess. Stephen Rea and the dulcet tones of Mr. Simon LeBon more than make up for it.

Liam Neeson (Schindler's List): Those of you who know me, know this picture is on the list. Haven't and shan't see it. Let me know if Neeson is really worth a mention here.

Special Award: Kevin Costner (Robin Hood, JFK, A Perfect World, 13 Days): Man, so bold. English, New Orleans, Texan, New England. It's as though Costner can do no right. This man is arguably the worst actor of all time. However, I love A Perfect World and anything he plays baseball in. That said, you knew a special spot had to be reserved for him.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Spooooky! ('07)

Last week, I highlighted some of the worst Halloween movies that the SciFi channel had to offer. Last year, in a post cleverly titled Spooooky!, I tried to highlight some horror movies that I feel the people need to see. Not the classics, but ones that have, for some unknown reason, been missed by far too many. I would now like to do the same thing again in honor of Halloween '07 (the holiday, not the Zombie remake).

Let me start by saying that cable has been very disappointing this year. Last year, you couldn't check the guide in October without seeing a range of kickass titles. Sadly, they seem to be few and far between this time around. But I'm still hopeful, as there is still a week until All Hallows Eve.

OK, so here are a few horror pictures that I'm into that you may have overlooked. Please submit your own lists, and perhaps we can all find a bit of terror before the end of the month.

Damien: Omen 2 and Omen 3: The Final Conflict
All right, let's get something straight. The original Omen is, in my opinion, one of the finest horror films out there. Greg Peck, the insane music, the dogs, Mrs. Baylock (who, by the way, was totally hot when she was young), all of it. I have told many people to see it, and if you still haven't, please make it happen this year. Now, the Omens 2 and 3 are not even in the same ballpark as the original. However, they're way more Grieco.

Damien: The Omen 2 finds the Antichrist hitting puberty. He has all kinds of bullshit at military school to deal with, and then he finds out that he is the Beast and that the armies of the world will gather at Megiddo in his name to bring seven years of pestilence or whatever on us all. It's hard being a teen. The movie has some nice deaths (bird-inflicted is my favorite) and a few creepy moments. You also find out the truth about Damien's animal mom, and "Hollywood" from Mannequin makes an early film appearance.

Omen 3: The Final Conflict introduces us to a smooth talking ladies' man of an Antichrist played by Sam Neill. Men wanna be him and chicks wanna be with him (in the Satanic biblical sense). The highlight of this piece is the group of renegade monks who have come into possession of the daggers that can extinguish Damien both in spirit and body. They're a ragtag group of do-gooders out to save the world. Neill also has some Iago-esque soliloquies delivered to a life-sized reversed crucifix that always seem to start off with “Nazarene, you...” It's kind of awesome. However, the fact that Damien has dedicated his anti-life to learning the Bible and his place in it, and then he totally bricks on the return of Christ is pretty weak. Still worth checking out, though. (note: if you still use a video store, there is a chance these movies will not be together, as some stores use Damian and Final Conflict when alphabetizing.)

Something Wicked This Way Comes
A while back, the lovely Sherpa and I rented Watcher in the Woods, and I was very sad to see that it was totally ridiculous and not scary at all, as it freaking terrified me as a child. However, unlike Watcher, I believe Something Wicked This Way Comes totally holds up. Full disclosure: I watched this in Chicago, and the cough syrup fairy had recently sprinkled her magic dust over me, so that may have something to do with it. But Jonathan Pryce is still freaky, the music is creepy, and the idea of the book that inspired the film clearly inspired King to write like seven of his 4,000 books.

Night at the Opera
The Queen and Blind Guardian albums of the same name are also awesome. However, I will briefly focus on this Argento picture. It has one of the craziest scenes I have ever seen. It involves pins and eyelids and is not for the faint of heart. If CTC would be so kind to elaborate on this film, I believe he could convince most of you to see it. CTC, the ball is in your court.

So that's what I got. Please feel free to comment and add to the list.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Time to Get Spooooky

With Halloween quickly approaching, I want to put together at least a few posts celebrating my favorite holiday of the year (take that Birth/Resurrection of Jesus!). Sorry. That was uncalled for. Especially when effing Flag Day is really the bain of my existence.

Anyway, to get things started, I have returned to the familiar stomping grounds of the Sci-Fi network. They're offering some bold pictures for the Halloween season. Here are some titles to look out for. I'm using the Sci-Fi promo copy to describe them, because it's too good to mess with. I'll throw my $.02 in, as well.

Wraiths of Roanoke: "They came from England to tame the New World, only to become the prey of an ancient evil."

--The lovely Sherpa and I caught about 7 minutes of this gem. It looks fantastic. People wearing colony garb; talking in colony speak. The guy who played the Highlander on the TV show (apparently, there can be more than one) is the lead colony dude, and a guy who did voice work in what I believe is the third installment of The Mangler is also in it, so you know it's good. I caught a glimpse of a fine pilgrim woman, a terrible leftover set from Last of the Mohicans, and a dangling corpse.
Projected Grieco Rating: 3-Griecos

The Grave Dancers: "Three friends accidentally invoke an ancient curse that can kill them all."

--I hate it when that happens. The poster features what I guess is one of the titular villains. He looks like a cross between Gollum, a C.H.U.D., Pumpkinhead, and a kindly old dwarf professor.
Projected Grieco Rating: 4-Griecos

Something Beneath: "Subterranean Humanoids prey on scientists at an ecological summit."

--Speaking of C.H.U.D.s. The poster for this looks like a cheap X-files ripoff, and while I applaud the topicality of an eco summit, it sounds kind of lame.
Projected Grieco Rating: 2 1/2-Griecos (the ½ is for the subterranean humanoid)

Hopefully, these three spoooky films will get you started. I'll try to find some horror films that are actually good to highlight, as well. Your suggestions, as always, are welcome. Oh, Sci-Fi also just showed a movie in which a guy receiving oral pleasures from a hooker finds that whilst in the process, the hooker has been decapitated by a really quiet psycho killer. I'm looking for the title as we speak, because I'm pretty sure that will bust the Grieco rating system altogether.

Monday, October 08, 2007

T'ai Chi in Space

From the moment I saw the preview for The Fountain, I was fired up. It looked bold in every way with a future-past epic quality that I find irresistible. Sadly, it was out for like three days in the ATX, so I missed it. But now that I am not on the run from the cable company, I can use the old pay-per-view again, so the lovely Sherpa and I threw down a virtual $3.95 to check out Aranofsky's latest opus while Fox found it necessary to show the Redskins/Lions game. Seriously, 'Skins/Lions? That's what you're bringing to the table?

The Fountain
At its core, The Fountain is about the search for eternal life, or the acceptance of death, or a quasi-mythical dying nebula that symbolizes the universality of all things and shows us clearly that only through death can we achieve eternal life...or some other bullshit like that.

We open on Hugh Jackman as a sword-wielding Conquistador fighting his way through a Mayan temple in search of the Tree of Life. He comes face-to-face with a man who wears a headdress of mighty horns and brandishes a flaming sword. Totally badass. Everything I had hoped for.

Cut to: A bald Hugh Jackman sitting in the lotus position amidst an open-chakra-inspired tripscape that looks like something hippies jack off to. Not nearly as kickass as flaming swords.

Cut to: A modern day Hugh Jackman with a decent haircut and a strong jaw. I have to give it him, he's a handsome man. In modern times, Hugh is a doctor married to Rachel Weisz. Poor Rachel is dying and somewhat forcing her American dialect. She's OK with what cancer will do to her, but Hugh isn't. Luckily, he's a doctor conducting monkey surgery and experimenting with a concoction made from the sap of a mysterious tree found in South America or Florida. I missed that part.

Anyway, Rachel has written a book (all but the last chapter) called The Fountain. She wrote it with an oldschool pen and an ink well, which I am envious of, because if I tried to write a book that way I would surely quit after Chapter 1. As Hugh reads the book, we move back and forth between Inquisition-era Spain (Weisz is the Queen), modern time monkey surgery, and futuristic Downward-Facing Dog Land. Weisz asks Hugh to finish the book, but he's not down. He only wants to cure his Love and, like so many alchemists before him, find a way to stop Death. Sadly, poor Rachel dies just as Hugh discovers that he's discovered a cure. Now, he will finish the book and come to terms with loss and all that.

OK, at times The Fountain looks awesome. At other times, not so much. And the sight of a bald Hugh Jackman sitting with legs folded/palms to the sky in a floating bubble is just laughable. As is the image of his shadow doing T'ai Chi in front of a star-speckled backdrop. At times, the movie is also incredibly sad, and if you're a little girl like me, you might even shed a tear. However, at other times, the dialogue reads like a bad episode of "Days of Our Lives" without that cool guy who wears the patch. Patch, I believe, was his name.

I had no intention of going Grieco on The Fountain, but floating, golden-light-bathed Hugh demands it of me. The nebula “Shibulba” demands it of me, and the poor fake monkeys that had to undergo surgery demand it of me.

I give The Fountain 2 ½ – Griecos. Had it just been the Spain/Mayan stuff, it easily would have been 4.