There Can be Only One (and a few sequels and a TV show)

Seriously, Thanksgiving destroyed me. Everything I ate was beige. However, while fighting through my turkey coma I managed to work in a viewing of a film that many consider to be a true masterpiece.

Highlander
Now, before devotees to the Clan MacLeod demand that my head be removed in single combat for even suggesting that Highlander is a bad movie, just calm down. I love this movie. I own this movie. But even we fans must step back and look at things objectively from time to time. First of all, you have a story that is centered around a Scotsman, yet the one true Scot in the film (Sean Connery) is wearing the same pancake makeup I wore in my 9th grade production of Thorton Wilder's The Matchmaker (yes, I'm that cool) and playing a Spaniard; sans the flair befitting a true sword-wielding Spaniard, I might add. Furthermore, there are plot holes in this movie that would make M. Night Shyamalan blush. I mean, what's with that guy? Can't he just write a damn movie with an ending that doesn't mak me feel like everything I watched for the last two hours was a complete waste of time? Sorry. Back to the question at hand. While the FX in Highlander were dated even 10 years before it came out and many of the acting choices are suspect at best, this movie is still pretty kickass. The Queen song and music are not Flash Gordon-awesome, but they will transport you back to a time when keyboards still meant something and frontmen knew how to strut. I also have to say that everything Christopher Lambert does in this movie is inspired. His where-the-hell-is-that-guy-from accent, the ill-fitting trenchcoat, his unfortunate hair; you just can't beat it.

In the end, I have no choice but to give Highlander 4-Griecos (see ratings). Making it GIK's first 4-Grieco film, and establishing it as one of the few movies that manages to achieve perfection without any help from Grieco himself. Now, don't get me started on Highlander 2: The Quickening or that one where Mario Van Peebles shows up. Mario Van Peebles? Really? What, was Baio unavailable?

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.