Dragons, Bro. Dragons

Before I get started, I would like to thank Aspen for setting all of this up for me, as I am still baffled by this newfangled technology. Now, let’s get down to Grieco…or at least let’s try to make him proud.

When I lived in Chicago, I spent about three weeks working at this horrible adult education center where middle-aged people could learn how to improve their lovemaking and Flamenco dancing. Please don’t think that I feel as though there is something inherently wrong with adults trying to educate themselves. In fact, if I could ever get off my ass I’d really like to learn Italian; what with it being the language of my people and all. What made the place in Chicago horrible wasn’t what it was used for. Rather, it was the fact that the entire building reeked of mildew and rat droppings, the décor smacked of the Jimmy Carter era, and my boss was this guy in his late 40s who traveled the country dueling in role-playing card game tournaments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as concerned about my warrior’s HP as the next guy, but I’m not pushing 50 and I don’t wear a leather beret/vest combo while doing it. Anyway, I could have let his pastime and his penchant for Kool Moe Dee-esque headwear slide if he wasn’t such a dick.

The only good thing about the center was that there was a small television in the 4’x 8’ glass-shielded room where I worked. We were supposed to use it to show videos that covered topics like “how to meet the perfect mate” and “how to go camping,” but we usually just watched regular TV. One night, the girl I worked with brought in a copy of Reign of Fire, which I totally loved. How can you not love a post-apocalyptic dragon piece? And that Christian Bale has such a fine head of hair. But the whole time I was watching, I was thinking, where can I find a movie like this that was made for far less money, has much crappier FX, and doesn’t star anyone that anyone anywhere has ever heard of? Years later, while I was searching for chicken pot pie at my local grocery store, my prayers were answered.

Darkest Knight
I bought the Darkest Knight DVD for under $4.00. It was in a bin with eight movies that had eight alternate spellings of “Aladdin” in their titles and every film that features Casper Van Dien in a leading role. Darkest Knight is a bold retelling of the Ivanhoe story, which I know you all have been waiting for, for a long, long time. The first two minute are awesome. This “CGI” ghost-skeleton-demon popped out and I was fairly sure it was the same Evil I had once battled in the Colecovision Smurfs game. In fact, the FX throughout are simply amazing. The slimy man-beast with the big teeth and the terrifying illusion that guards the ancient Druid magician’s chambers are my personal favorites. Unfortunately, after the opening, things take a turn for the Costner. Ivanhoe seeks to reconcile with his father, denounce Prince John, and restore the Lionheart to the throne, while occasionally flirting with this redheaded witch who seems to have picked up some kung fu on the side. Here’s the deal; I bought this movie because it had pictures of dragons and the phrase “when dragons ruled the skies” on the cover, right? Not a single dragon showed up until 1 hour and 20 minutes in, and it didn’t even fully materialize. Then, everything gets wrapped up, but everything is left open, and I realize I’m not really watching a movie, I’m watching the pilot for a TV show that may or may not actually exist. Now, this movie/show/Xena ripoff minus the camp and homoerotic undertones did teach me that if you are in England you can take your cast from any street fair and you’ll get better performances than you would from most of America’s highest paid actors. However, that is not enough to make up for the no real dragon footage thing. That being said, I give Darkest Knight a rating of 2-Griecos (see ratings). Fast-forward to the FX shots and any scenes that feature Wormtongue, Snape, Richard III, or whatever the hell the evil necromancer’s name is and you’ll be entertained.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.