Hats off to BTS

At the beginning of the tournament I said the person with the best bracket would earn the honor and praise of all his peers. Well, that person is BTS. Not only is he the only one who actually sent in his picks, I'm pretty sure if I hadn't pulled the last minute switch he would have been pretty much dead-on. Plus, the man was seriously fired up throughout the tournament. He knows Grieco, y'all. In fact, he and I once turned off what would end up being one of the greatest NFL comebacks of all time because we just had to watch Kimodo. BTS you have earned the respect of all us here at GIK, and next time we're in the same town I demand that we track down a copy of Left Behind III: World at War.

Again, thanks to all of you who kept the tournament going. I feel like we made Grieco proud.

The Big Dance

Mazes and Monsters vs. Left Behind

What a long strange Grieco it’s been. We have finally made it to the championship and things have turned out a bit differently than I thought they would, which is kind of strange because, you know, I pick who wins. Anyway, the #1 and #2 seeds have all fallen by the wayside, leaving us with a head-to-head battle between (3)Mazes and Monsters from the Boxleitner Bracket and (4)Left Behind from the Voight Bracket. Both films have proven time and time again that they have what it takes to win it all. In order to decide who walks away with the trophy I now turn my focus to an aspect of the films that has not been fully explored: the supporting casts.

Upper-crust Gamers vs. A Man Called Carpathia
We already know about Tommy Hanks and Kirk "Big Baby" Cameron. Both have lead their films to the final game and both have earned a spot in the GIK Hall of Fame (to be housed in Des Plaines, IL). That brings us to the rest of the players.

The fact that the Hamptons-dwelling Ivy League types in Mazes and Monsters even play "Mazes and Monsters" makes them an intriguing bunch. Each brings his or her own take on what it is to be a Frenetic, a Holy Man, a “Maze Controller,” or a Fighter. The standout of the group is Frelich (Chris Makepeace of My Bodyguard fame) who, in the so-called real world, wears a different wacky hat in almost every scene and tries to kill himself. It is Frelich who leads the group to the abandoned mines, it is Frelich who comes up with the costumes from the theatre department, and it is Frelich who brings the embodiment of a Gorvil to life through his imagination and some clever lighting. In fact, in the beginning you kind of think Frelich is the one who’s gonna go batshit crazy. Now, we’ve talked about the way the gamers deliver their lines in that earnest fashion, but I have to admit at times there is a weird feeling as though they (Frelich included) might just give up the gaming and start getting it on with each other in some sort of bizarre staged reading of the as yet un-produced, Magik: A Sexy Gathering.

The whole underground revolutionary group that’s trying to bring down the Antichrist in Left Behind is top-rate. There’s the pilot whose whole family (minus his angry daughter) got taken up to heaven, but he didn’t because he was banging a stewardess (Kirk’s real-life wife) who is now going to work for the U.N. There’s the hypocrite preacher, and there's the hot girl who’s real sweet and knows a lot about computers but wasn’t saved because she has pagan tattoos and is obviously way into sex. However, it is the Cold-War-style Nicolae Carpathia who truly elevates the film. He oozes evil and communism and that’s totally what you want from the guy who will bring Hell to the world until, you know, “He cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen,” or something like that. Carpathia has the cold stare and charming smile of the Son of Lucifer. I mean, he’s so cool I’m pretty sure that more than one young Christian has caught himself rooting for The Beast.

The Winner
This is it, y’all. We’re finally here. Mazes and Monsters has captured the hearts and minds of many a GIK reader. Some would even say that the commissioner has developed a bias for this bold piece that tries its best to make nerds (rich or otherwise) look like freaked-out mental cases who want so desperately to be included that they’ll immerse themselves completely in a world of fantasy. However, their HP has hit 0 and their Level 4 Druid’s got nothing left in his pouch. The polyhedron die rolls no more! Left Behind is just perfect in every way. It’s structure, FX, acting, and design want so badly to be a mega-hit. You can almost hear the director arguing with himself as he debates whether or not to throw in some witty line like “Suck on that, Antichrist,” only to accept at the last minute that he isn’t making a Hollywood picture, he's making an anti-Hollywood picture. Left Behind, ignored in the original bracket, resurrects itself to become the first ever GIK tournament champion! That's right baby! You left Mr. Cameron open on the outside and he knocked down the key threes all night! I'm talkin to you Rona Jaffe! Your kids' fantasy novel was good but you couldn't hold off the Lord! That young man's a real diaper dandy and if he stays in school he's gonna be cutting down a lot of nets!

Congratulations to Kirk and the gang, and thanks to all of you who have stuck with this thing over the last two weeks.

Final Four (Game 2)

The Saint vs. Mazes and Monsters

In many ways, this is even a better battle than the last game. The Saint is clearly the prohibitive favorite of this tournament (say, like UCONN) and Mazes and Monsters is a movie that some would say never should have been in the tournament in the first place (you know, like George Mason). In order to see who comes out on top let’s take a look at the two things that I believe set these films apart from the rest of the field: dialogue and pure absurdity.

Sir Thomas Moore vs. Pardieux (I have seen at least 8 spellings of this), A Holy Man
When Kilmer takes on the role of Sir Thomas Moore, a leather-pant clad-thousand-pounds-a-bottle-wine-swilling-philosophizing Brit, he delivers what may be one of the greatest monologues of all time. I have mentioned it in previous posts and I will surely mention it again in the future. From “I was weeping and I slipped,” to the incomprehensible moan at the end, it is pure perfection. You must also remember that this speech follows the line, “what are you doing?” said as Kilmer stares into a mirror and cuts a gash into his own head. Minutes later, Elisabeth Shue will speak the immortal, “Take off your pants—shirt,” and lapse into a high-pitched cackle. We can’t leave out non-Sir Thomas related quotes like “(Human) fly…don’t buzz off,” and “Do you know what the worst part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed.” Every piece of dialogue in this movie is utterly preposterous. When combined with Kilmer’s bizarre line-readings the words are very hard to beat.

What makes the dialogue in Mazes and Monsters so totally Grieco is its earnestness. While Kilmer seems to almost laugh his way through The Saint, Hanks and friends never waver when delivering decrees like “It is you Frelich. You have been restored to the living. Whoever did this is a great holy man,” or “Glacia, has someone placed a spell of forgetfulness on you?” They spout cut-rate Tolkien-speak and D&D declarations as though they are second (1st in Pardeux’s case) nature. From the moment they greet you (I am Pardue, a holy man. I walk with Glacia the Fighter) you know exactly what they are all about. In the hands of a truly gifted screenwriter and director Mazes and Monsters might have been able to achieve some sort of legendary status in the fantasy world, but with the dialogue they’re working with it’s pure GIK and better for it.

The Russian Underground vs. NYNY
It is all but impossible to single out the most absurd scene in The Saint. The entire film is an exercise in pure lunacy from the opening score to Roger Moore’s (the original “Saint”) closing voiceover. However, I would like to focus on a scene that begins in a Russian flop house and ends in the lair of a Russian mercenary-type. Kilmer is about to freeze to death because he has been hiding underwater to avoid detection from the techno-dance-beat-obsessed bad guy. In order to save him, Shue takes both her and his clothes off and lies on top of him. Kilmer then begins some delusional mumbling about how the dogs killed his childhood love. The bad guys are closing in, so our heroes have to move. Luckily, they are rescued by a woman called Frankie who deals in stolen art and revolution. The exchange between the three is equal parts insane rambling and bizarre product placement (Bulgari watch anyone?). From this scene, things just get crazier until the climax that still calls for a sequel, damnit! Why won’t they please make a freaking sequel? There’s three Fast and Furiestests for godsake.

The live Mazes and Monsters game in the abandoned caverns is pretty bold, but when Hanks, crazy as all hell, arrives in NY to complete his quest for the “Two Towers” we reach a whole new level. The NY in the movie could only have been envisioned by a Canadian, and Hanks’ insanity combined with the insanity of the homeless is just amazing. As are the increasingly powerful visions of the Great Hall, who is actually Hanks’ dead brother. Pardu’s agony/triumph/mental breakdown leads to an ending that sort of defies all logic. His rich friends who, by the way, would never be friends or play an RPG together in the real world, come to see Hanks at the home of his parents. He is still caught up in the fantasy, so they indulge him in one more game even though it has clearly ruined his life. Let’s take a look at an excerpt from the closing monologue, “And so we played the game again for one last time…We did not see the monsters. Pardoo saw the monsters…We saw nothing but the death of hope…”

The Winner
The Saint bullies Mazes and Monsters from the get-go, but just as you think the plucky gamers are about to die, their cleric summons a Phoenix spell and gets them right back in it. Let’s be honest, nine out of ten times The Saint mops the floor with Mazes and Monsters, but it’s tournament time, baby! Anything can happen. Mazes and Monsters, like George Mason before it, slays the mighty Frost Giant and moves into the final game. Pandemonium ensues and nerds from all over storm the floor, many of whom catch a whiff of “girl” for the first time in their lives.


Special thanks to the good people at www.spookylibrarians.com who are keepig the "Mazes" dream alive.

Final Four (Game 1)

Starship Troopers vs. Left Behind

I thought we’d kick things off in the Voight bracket this time around.

Breakdown
These two films have everything it takes to be a GIK champion. SST has the budget, but the makers of Left Behind think they’re producing a big Hollywood picture for a few grand, which gives it a quality that is truly rare. In order to determine a winner I had to break it down to two things: Key match-up and key scene.

Kirk Cameron vs. Casper Van Dien
There’s nothing like putting a has-been up against a never-was. Kirk plays things as though bringing his name to the piece is really going to get people fired up about Christ. I respect that. Especially because he sports a five o’clock shadow that sheds his “Tiger Beat” image while reminding us of how powerful he was in that episode where Boner went off to join the army.

Van Dien, on the other hand, has the lock-jawed, oddly high-pitched mumble of a man who thinks he’s on the brink, but is, in reality, showing the world that he’ll never quite have what it takes to be a star. You can tell he’s really trying hard up there even if he doesn’t get the joke that the filmmakers are going for. It’s kind of like watching a little kid ride a bike for the first time right before he realizes his dad has let go and he takes a wicked spill.

Both performances are beautiful to watch, but Kirk’s former-TV-star-in-a-ridiculous-film is just too Grieco to ignore.

Public Flogging vs. Biblical Dude in Rented Costume
There are countless amazing scenes to choose from in SST. There’s the awkward lovemaking, the tragic cutting-in-half/death of Michael Ironside, and everything Doogie, Denise and that guy who cheats on Kelly in an episode of “Saved by the Bell” do. However, the stripping (1/2 way) and subsequent public flogging of Van Dien stands out as the centerpiece of the film. It has all of the S&M, homo-erotic, Messianic overtones that elevate the movie to a higher level.

There is a scene in Left Behind where Kirk Cameron is filming fighter jets being blown out of the sky (by the wrath/grace of God/Antichrist?) and a Biblical dude wanders out from just off-camera and starts speaking to Kirk who understands him even though everyone else just hears Hebrew. The man’s costume rivals those of The Book of Mormon: The Movie (note: You must find and see The Book of Mormon: The Movie. It will truly blow your mind.) I’m pretty sure the Bible guy’s robes and fake beard were worn by the actor who played Jacob in a regional theatre production of Jason and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat that I was in. (I played the brother who sings in a French accent. Oh Lloyd Weber is there nothing you can’t do?) Anyway, the scene is truly one of the most laughable moments in movie history. Each time I have watched Left Behind (and I have watched it many times), I have had to go back and rewind it over and over again.

The Winner
If I were to tell you to see one of these movies it would be Starship Troopers. I love it, and I really do think it’s kind of brilliant. But Left Behind is just too damn hot in the post-season. It’s the type of movie I dreamed about reviewing when I started this thing. Cinderella shocks the world again and moves into the championship!

Round One Update

Last week at GIK was one filled with heartbreak, upsets, and some great hustle, so before we head into the Final Four tomorrow I want to get everyone caught up.

In the first game of the Boxleitner Bracket, #1 seedThe Saint came to dominate, give 110%, and do the things it had to do to put points on the board. The vaguely '90s high-waisted jeans and immobile wolf mask of #4 seed Eyes of the Werewolf weren't enough to even make it a game. In game two, young Tom Hanks (Pardu, a Holyman) and his band of super cool gamer friends in #3 seed Mazes and Monsters pulled a minor upset and defeated a space-traveling Jason Voorhees in Jason X.

The Voight Bracket started out calmly enough with #2 seed Starship Troopers outplaying J.Lo's ass, Vaughn's bloat, and D'Onofrio's whatever in #3 seed The Cell. Then, things got a little Grieco as the commissioner yanked Judgment from play and replaced it with Left Behind. In a game that generated heated debate, the newly-appointed #4 seed Left Behind shocked the world and dropped #1 seed Showgirls.

That leves us with a Final Four that looks like this:

(1) The Saint vs. (3) Mazes and Monsters

(2) Starship Troopers vs. (4) Left Behind

As George Mason has proven, anything can happen at tournament time, so get ready for some great games.

Go LSU?

Showgirls vs. Left Behind

How many times must I be bested by Kev in the world of sports? I mean, the man doesn’t even really like basketball. Did you see that bullshit buzzer beater by UT? And the Duke game. Sweet Lord, the Duke game. Way to go out like a pro, J.J. Way to shoot 15% percent from the field, you fuck. Sorry. I’m sorry about that. It’s just gonna take a long time for me to get over this one.

Somehow, despite my anger, bewilderment, and crippling sadness, I have managed to move the GIK tournament forward. (special thanks to all of you who called or wrote with words of support.)

Showgirls
When I first saw Showgirls in the theater I was in college and a little less than with-it. While sitting in the AMC Grand (hell yeah 24 screens), I turned to my good friend Danny and asked, “Hey Danny. Who’s that Kyle MacLachlan wannabe?” Danny, gentle soul that he is, replied, “Dude. That’s Kyle MacLachlan.” I have never forgotten the sense of horror and shame I felt as I realized Special Agent Dale Cooper was getting it on with Jesse Spano up there in that pool. Believe me people, Showgirls has earned its reputation as one of the worst films ever made. The vomiting in the parking lot, the weird “I’m on my period” Alvin Ailey dance scene, the soft-core lesbian undertones, Gina Gershon’s bizarre southern accent, the ice cubes on the nipples, the sad excuse for extension the dancers display, and Robert Davi are just a few of the highlights. The dialogue is also borderline insane. And the heroine’s name is Nomi Malone. Nomi, people! Oh director Paul Verhoeven (remember him from Starship Troopers?) why do I love you so? Perhaps it’s because I can’t figure out if you’re a genius pulling off some Kilmer-style hoax or a sad middle-aged man who really just wants to direct porn and sleep with younger women. If you’re going to watch Showgirls (and you should watch it many, many times) do it right and get the Deluxe Special Edition (our copy is Sherpa’s, not mine). It comes with "pin the pasties on the stripper" and an elaborate drinking game that involves custom shot glasses and a deck of cards. It’ll really help you understand the film on a much deeper level.

Left Behind
This last-second tournament replacement has everything you want in a Christian propaganda film. There’s the Commodore 64 FX, the constant sermonizing, and Kirk Cameron. Yep. Good old Mike Seaver (now with his own shown on TBN) plays a “GNN” news anchor who is left behind (title plug) with all of the other sinners after the Rapture. He must then find Christ and lead a plucky band of former non-believers against the Antichrist. Leave it to those crazy Protestants to make the Antichrist a Russian dude called Nicolae Carpathia. The Catholics always make The Beast some sort of Brit, and that’s just not Red Dawn at all. Anyway, Kirk, his real-life wife, and some guy who I’m pretty sure was either in Flight of the Intruder or Best of the Best unravel the plot of the Antichrist and start to see him for who he really is. Well, the real-life wife actually remains a doubter, but I think she comes around or dies in one of the sequels (at times, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force is even better than Part I. Sadly, I have't seen Part III yet). I often try to think of a movie that is funnier than Left Behind, but I always fail. Look, I don’t want to get into who’s crazy or who made up what out of thin air, but come on. I’m pretty sure that even the believers will agree that the Kirk Cameron character does not make an appearance in the Book of Revelation (or The Book of Daniel, so back off prophecy whores). Left Behind is ridiculous in so many ways it’s amazing. And at the end of the movie (thanks for the copy BTS) Kirk comes on the screen and tells you (the select few who have received it in the mail) to spread the word about the film to your heathen friends, so people will flock to the theaters when it comes out. How’d that work out? Anybody know? You guys see this bad boy in the theater? In the end, it might not be as sexy as The Omega Code, but Left Behind is the most perfect representation of a particular genre that I have ever seen.

The Breakdown
Folks this one was a battle. Showgirls is a mega-power. It dominates in the paint and on the perimeter. However, it has a gratuitous rape scene, and anybody who knows me knows that I just can’t stand gratuitous rape scenes. Left Behind has the Lord and my love of all things preachy on its side, and that’s how it pulled off the shocking upset. That’s right. The #4 seed is moving onto the second round. That’s why they call it Grieco Madness, baby!

Fucking LSU

Judgment Scratched. Tournament Mired in Controversy.

In a shocking move the GIK commissioner yanked Judgment from tournament play just prior to its opening round game and replaced it with fellow religious propaganda film Left Behind. Some will say that the commissioner was merely correcting a terrible mistake he made in the selection process, and that Left Behind should have been in the tournament from the get-go. Others might suggest that the commissioner’s VCR is broken, and since it is all but impossible to find Judgment on DVD, he could not give the film its proper due. We may never know the real reason behind his decision. The commissioner would like to apologize to Corbin Bernson, Mr. T, and the great Nick Mancuso who star in Judgment, a film that “puts God on trial.” He would also like to point out that it is a bold piece and that everyone should see it. However, he looks forward to tomorrow’s first-round game between the left-wing tit fest Showgirls and the right-wing, morally sound Left Behind.

Please make the appropriate changes to your brackets and get ready for some serious action.

Starship Troopers vs. The Cell

Before we get started I just want to say that there is finally a new episode of “Lost” on tonight. Woo-hoo!

Alright, since we began with the #1 vs. #4 game in the Boxleitner Bracket, I thought it would be nice if we opened with the #2 vs. #3 game for the Voight section of the draw.

Starship Troopers
Now, BTS had some problems with Starship Troopers even being considered a GIK film, and he raises some valid points. This movie exists in its own world, and it probably deserves a blog dedicated to its many nuances. If only there were time. It’s part action flick, part cutting satire, part broad parody, and all kickass. However, it stars Casper Van Dien, Michael Ironside (“V: The Final Battle,” Total Recall), Doogie Howser, Jake Busey, and the somewhat lovely/somewhat terrifying Denise Richards, and not even BTS can deny that they have Grieco written all over them. In the future (a future that would exist if the Nazis had been successful in WWII), all the rich white teens live in Buenos Aries where they play the greatest version of football known to Man and generally look like they’re pushing 30. However, the world is at war with an alien race of giant insects and in order to become a citizen you have to join in the fight. Against his parents’ wishes, Rico (Van Dien) joins the grunts on the front lines. Richards, it seems, has what it takes to be a crack pilot, and Doogie is a genius psychic who joins the “Games and Theory” branch of the military and starts dressing like Himmler. The three friends are split up across the universe and the most graphic bug-related violence of all time ensues. Eventually, the war escalates, the three leads are reunited, and a giant “Brain” bug that looks like a vagina shows up. (Oh director Paul Verhoeven, do you think of anything but vagina?) The bug gets captured, Doog senses that it’s afraid, and everyone celebrates. Look, I can’t do this film justice here. You have to see it, but if you’re not into severed limbs, decapitations, gratuitous vomit, and gratuitous tit shots it might not be your thing.

The Cell
Don’t you just love movies that take place on the psychic plane? I mean, anything can happen. Up is down, left is right, and J. Lo’s still the worst damn actor you’ll ever see. In order to find a girl who has been kidnapped and is about to die, Jennifer Lopez must literally go into the mind of the killer (a process that, for some reason, requires her to wear some sort of pleather cat-suit). Once inside the mind, she steps into a world where she must deal with landscapes that strive so hard for the Dali, and she must also deal with her own fears. Spooooky. Back in the real world, Vince Vaughn uses the information J. Lo gains to track down the missing girl. This is one of the highlights of The Cell as Vaughn is in that dark period before he bounced back with Old School, and he’s totally bloated, clearly drunk, and judging by his eyes, suffering from some serious pill cravings. Anyway, back to the infinite universe that is the human brain. The killer that Selena has entered is played by the incomparable Vincent D’Onofrio. Holy shit! He gets to do it all in this piece. Whether he’s a cloven-hoofed, behorned demon-beast or a scared child crying in the corner while he hides from a cloven-hoofed, behorned demon-beast, he just tears it up. His performance is beyond Grieco, yet somehow more ridiculous than Grieco. Seriously, it makes Kilmer look like Strathairn (wrap your minds around that, y’all). D’Onofrio is the only reason to hold out ‘till the end of this thing. Well, that and the bondage gear.

Breakdown
D’Onofrio comes to play, but he, like Nevada’s precious Nick Fazekas, can’t get it done on his own, and J. Lo’s ass is no match for the callous stare of sweet Denise. Rico’s Roughnecks roll as #2 seed Starship Troopers easily moves into the next round.

Jason X vs. Mazes and Monsters

Jason X
Finally, the Friday the 13th series reaches the pinnacle of absurdity as Jason, like Leprechaun and Pinhead before him, travels to space. Sure, when Jason took Manhattan it was ridiculous, but somebody had to clean up that godforsaken town, so it kind of made sense. Anyway, Jason X (for “10” but also for “extreme”) takes place in the not-so-distant future. You know, where people kind of dress the same, but vehicles are a little more kickass. In this adventure, Jason has been frozen and he ends up on a spaceship with a group of sexy teens (or 20-somethings, I can’t even tell anymore). Eventually, he thaws out and through the magic of technology gets a futuristic mask/machete upgrade and the killing begins. From there, the movie pretty much turns into a cheap Alien imitation with Jason filling in for the Giger beast, but the music is a little more techno and the artistry is a little more lacking. Alright, let’s get to the point. Jason Voorhees is in f’ing space, y’all. Come on! In a way, it’s more Grieco than Grieco. The gore is also just perfect, and several of the deaths are simply splendid.

Mazes and Monsters
Mazes and Monsters (henceforth, M&M) was made for Canadian TV, and it has that secretly Canadian charm throughout. Some of you might be too young to remember a time in the good old 1980s when there was a group of kids even nerdier than myself who spent days on end immersed in “Dungeons and Dragons” and then totally freaked out and killed themselves or did slay the mythical Dark Elf who was, in actuality, just one of their friends. M&M hits on this important point in our (and apparently Canada’s) history. A young Tom Hanks plays Robbie, but really he plays Pardu, A Holy Man. Pardu walks with Glacia the fighter. Only that goes sour, and Glacia starts walking with Frelick the Frenetic, but that’s another story altogether. Hanks and his other super-cool college friends grow bored of common RPGs (role playing games for the tragically un-hip) and decide to play in their own live-action version created by their suicidal friend in some abandoned caverns. From there, Hanks snaps and goes on a quest bestowed upon him in a dream by his dead brother. He totally becomes Pardu and believe me Hanks gives you everything you'd expect from a future multiple Academy Award winner. Just as Jason once did, Pardu journeys to New York. Once there, he meets a King/homeless guy, accidentally kills a dude, and heads to the Two Towers (let’s not even get into it) to complete his journey. In the end, Hanks is hauled off by the crazy catchers and he retires to his parents’ country home where he speaks of innkeepers and magic coins for he is still trapped in the world of Dungeons and---sorry---of Mazes and Monsters.

Breakdown
#2 seed Jason X is, in my opinion, the best Friday the 13th since the one with the girl (Teena?) who might be possessed by Jason or whatever. It delivers everything you want. However, there is just something I love about Hanks before he started taking himself so seriously. The “fantasy” dialogue in M&M is also incredible in so many ways. Did I mention that Pardu, a Holy Man, walks with Glacia the Fighter? Listen up, people. #3 seed Mazes and Monsters pulls the upset, and it’s got the HP and MP to give The Saint a run in the next round.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the opening tip-off in the much maligned Voight Bracket.

The Saint vs. Eyes of the Werewolf

Eyes of the Werewolf
The greatest challenge of watching Eyes of the Werewolf is trying to figure out when the hell it was made. While it was “released” in 2003, the high-waisted jeans, high-cut panties, and the abundance of Geo Trackers on the road suggest a different time altogether. The story follows a man who receives an eye transplant (yep, an eye transplant) and begins to take on the characteristics of the donor. Unfortunately, the donor was a werewolf. Full-moons that were clearly shot in the middle of the day follow, various incredibly gory deaths take place, and a lesbian subplot between a nurse and a cop never gets off the ground. There’s a midget, a few yokels, and some of the worst effects you have ever seen. Although, I was way into the wolf mask they were working with.

The Saint
For those of you who are not familiar with The Saint, I weep. Kilmer dons so many masks it’s hard to keep up with. While his brilliant, tortured “Sir Thomas Moore” is the standout, we must never forget his Spaniard on the plane who seduces the hot girl in order to transport some sort of medal through customs or his overly-effeminate, possibly-German guy who goes face-to-face with the traitor Tretiak. His Russian and Aussie accents are pretty awesome, too.

Breakdown
Eyes of the Werewolf shows a lot of heart throughout with its blatant stereotypes, seemingly utter lack of cinematography, its soft-core boob shots, and a script that, if written by mentally-challenged children, is really, really great. Seriously, you all did a wonderful job. None of this even matters though, because The Saint came to fucking play, y’all. The #1 seed moves on with very little trouble at all.

Selection Friday

Alright, I’ve got it down to the top eight films.


The Boxleitner Bracket

1. The Saint
4. Eyes of the Werewolf

3. Mazes and Monsters
2. Jason X

The Voight Bracket

1. Showgirls
4. Judgement

3. The Cell
2. Starship Troopers

Now, I know some people will say the committee snubbed Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Congo, and Anaconda. Others will say that it’s not a tournament without Boa vs. Python or the immortal classic C.H.U.D II: Bud the Chud. All I can say is that a number of factors were considered before deciding who was in and who was out. It is also important to point out that putting an actual Grieco film in would just be unfair to the rest of the field.

I wish I could give you real brackets, but that would require all kinds of work. Look for the opening round game between the 1 and 4 seeds from the Boxleitner Bracket on Monday. Lot of superstars out there, people. It should be bold. Oh, the person with the winning bracket wins the respect and admiration of his peers.

Selection Friday

Alright, I’ve got it down to the top eight films.


The Boxleitner Bracket

1. The Saint
4. Eyes of the Werewolf

3. Mazes and Monsters
2. Jason X

The Voight Bracket

1. Showgirls
4. Judgement

3. The Cell
2. Starship Troopers

Now, I know some people will say the committee snubbed Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Congo, and Anaconda. Others will say that it’s not a tournament without Boa vs. Python or the immortal classic C.H.U.D II: Bud the Chud. All I can say is that a number of factors were considered before deciding who was in and who was out. It is also important to point out that putting an actual Grieco film in would just be unfair to the rest of the field.

I wish I could give you real brackets, but that would require all kinds of work. Look for the opening round game between the 1 and 4 seeds from the Boxleitner Bracket on Monday. Lot of superstars out there, people. It should be bold. Oh, the person with the winning bracket wins the respect and admiration of his peers.

Grieco Madness

March Madness is upon us. Thank God. My love of basketball and bad films can finally come together. I am working on a Big Dance that will separate the truly Grieco from the somewhat laughable. Now, I cannot set up a tournament of 64 films. Afterall, despite popular opinion, I do have something of a life. However, I can pit the 8 greatest bad films of all time against each other in head-to-head competition. Tomorrow will be selection Friday, and I will break down the entire field. I know some of you will feel as though certain films were snubbed, and others will probably complain about the seeding. I can only say that the selection committee is doing its very best to bring in movies that best represent what GIK is all about. I can also say that all of you bastards who think Texas can beat Duke are living in a freaking dream world.

I Could See Y'all if My Horizon Wasn't So Blind

Man, I heard about this burger that replaces the bun with two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. At first, I threw up in my mouth a little, but then I became really intrigued. I mean a burger donut. These truly are magical times in which we live.

Blind Horizon
I can’t really explain the sheer mess that is Blind Horizon, but I shall do my best. First, try to imagine a movie that was shot by a film student who wanted to make an episode of “24” in the style of Memento while he was watching old Metallica videos and thumbing through The Bourne Identity. Next, picture Kilmer in all his resplendent glory doing his most ridiculous work since The Saint. OK, got it? Here we go.

Kilmer wakes up in the desert. He has been shot in the head, and he can’t remember anything. However, apparently when Val was researching amnesia for the role he accidentally flipped the medical encyclopedia to the section on autism, because he’s kind of playing Rainman up there. Anyway, he ends up in a hospital where sexy bad girl nurse Amy “Varsity Blues/Butterfly Effect” Smart takes care of him. She smokes in the hospital and has awesome lines like, “You know what I wanna do one day? Travel. You ever been to New Guinea?” As Kilmer recovers, he is visited by small town sheriff Sam Shepard, and believe me there’s nothing better than seeing a great American playwright take third billing in a low-budget, cut-rate thriller. Pieces of the past come back to Kilmer, and he starts ranting about a plot to kill the President of the United States. He even has a part where he figures things out in front of the mirror, which is fantastic because it gives Kilmer a chance to work with his greatest scene partner. Eventually, Neve Campbell shows up with this ridiculous page boy haircut, claiming to be Kilmer’s fiancée. This kind of bums him out as he is clearly falling in love with Amy Smart. As a solution, he does it to them both. (note: At this point, the esteemed Ghost of Gene Siskel was heard to remark, “Man, Kilmer’s getting all kinds of trim in this picture.”) Now, there are times when Kilmer seems to be clairvoyant and there are other times when he appears to be in The Manchurian Candidate, but I don’t want to get into all that. He remembers a covert-op called Rhombus and “Four Days to Rhombus” pops up on the screen. After like 35 minutes of pure nonsense, “Three Days to Rhombus” popped up, and The Ghost and I knew we had made a terrible mistake. I could spend hours pointing out horrible misfires like the dramatic shots of a cowboy hat falling through the air as the wailing banshee cries of the kickass Machine Head score play in the background, the bizarre pointless cuts to a scary clown in a hospital, or any of the other David Lynch-inspired scenes that are far more evocative of “heady” soft-core porn than “Twin Peaks.” Although, I’m pretty sure there is a heady soft-core porn called "Twin Peaks" out there. Alright, let’s wrap it up. After a freakout monologue and a drunken tequila scene worthy of his Julliard training, Kilmer realizes he was the one who was supposed to kill the President all along. Well, no shit. We figured that out when there were still like four days to Rhombus. In the end, Kilmer saves the day, Shepard shakes his head in amused disbelief, Neve (who turns out to be a gov’t agent) gets killed, and Kilmer runs off with Smart. All that and Faye Dunnaway has a cameo.

You don’t so much watch Blind Horizon, you survive it. In fact, about half way through the movie the lovely Sherpa and Obadiah bailed on us to look at shoes in a magazine. There seem to be some great new looks this season, so get ready ladies. Now, it kills me to say this about a Kilmer movie, but I have to give it 1-Grieco (see ratings). Let’s face it. When catching a glimpse of Amy Smart’s boob is the best thing about a film, you’re in some serious trouble. That being said, I challenge you all to at least check out some of the work Kilmer is doing in this piece. I actually believe he is playing an elaborate joke on all of us. Like he thinks it's totally hilarious that people shell out hard cash just to watch him dick around on screen. It’s either that, or he has a wicked coke habit to support.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Cow Baby

So I was all set to watch Blind Horizon, but two things occurred before I could make it happen. First, some crazy shit went down on “The Sopranos,” putting me in a state of heightened Italianess for the rest of the evening. Second, I remembered I taped Minotaur.

Minotaur
The ominous/soothing British lady voiceover that is apparently required for all fantasy films informs us that the queen of some ancient land got it on with a bull and gave birth to the Minotaur. OK, actually it was violently ripped from her womb and this awesome cow baby puppet thing “suckled on the blood of its mother.” The mighty beast grew and the prince of the land demanded an occasional sacrifice of eight youths to appease good old Minnie. The youths came from a village led by future GIK hall-of-famer Rutger Hauer. In order to stop the killing and perhaps to find some girl he once loved, Hauer’s son, Theseus (called Theo for the kids), throws his lot in with a group of youths destined for sacrifice so that he might take on the Minotaur. When Theo arrives at the home of the mighty Bull Man (Man Bull?) he actually finds Candyman sporting acrylic black nails, huffing some crazy gas from the horns of the beast, and spouting Lear-like soliloquies in his patented whisper/growl. Eventually, Theo and the others end up in the labyrinth and the hunter becomes the hunted. Or something like that. I don't know. Now, like all creatures of Darkness and low-budget films, the Minotaur mainly lurks in the shadows. However, when you do finally catch a glimpse of this papier mache/CGI combo prepare yourself for some serious impaling. Horn through the chest, horn through the mouth, horn through the skull; this Minotaur does it all. Theo and his crew do their best to stay alive while they, like all of us, start to lose their minds in the labyrinth. Just so you know they’re on their own down there, people. There’s no cute little Hoggle, wacky Muppets, or a crystal-ball-juggling/incredibly hair-sprayed Bowie to help them out. Anyway, in the end Theo blows up the Minotaur (you read that right) and then stabs the bovine demon with its own horn. Candyman dies, the sun shines, and according to the voiceover, “The reign of the Bull God was over.”

Man, Minotaur makes Manticore look like Frankenfish. There’s a very good chance this piece has just what you are looking for. There’s an actress who is the perfect combination of Rosario Dawson and Rae Dawn Chong, and a male lead who is way into that spit/drool style of acting. You know like Cruise does in Born on the Fourth of July? When a guy is willing to spit like that, you know he’s mastered his craft. Minotaur also has Candyman just playing the hell out of his role up there. During his “Fear” monologue I think he might have literally chewed some of the Styrofoam scenery. You’re gonna get some sweet cloven hoof shots, a level of gore that only the Sci Fi Channel is willing to bring you, and an omen-spouting leper, as well. That’s right, y’all. An omen-spouting leper. Fast-forward through the bullshit romances and other subplots, settle in, and enjoy the pure metal goodness of the vengeful Horned Army. 3-Griecos (see ratings).

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Minotaur Watch!

I know I promised a review of Blind Horizon this week, but I have been so distraught over the outcome of “Project Runway” that I haven’t been able to focus. I will get it back together this weekend and have the Kilmer/Shepard amnesia piece review for you on Monday. I did want you all to know that the SciFi channel, in what will surely be a bold follow-up to Manticore, is debuting their original film, Minotaur, tomorrow. To get everyone in the mood they are also showing Gargoyles: Wings of Darkness and Chupacabra: Dark Seas, so cancel those Saturday night plans and settle down for some small-screen movie magic.

For God, Country, and Grieco.

The Truth Shall Set Grieco Free

Now that you all know I haven’t seen The Chronicles of Riddick I figured I might as well come clean about some other films I have failed to see. The fact that I have missed some of these pictures brings me great shame. However, there are others on the list that I will avoid until the End Times which, according to the Kirk Cameron show I caught late last night, may already be upon us.

Die Hard With a Vengeance
Sorry, Bruce. Samuel L., I have nothing to say to you.

Titanic
Yeah that’s right, James Cameron. I didn’t see your precious boat movie.

Schindler’s List
I know, I know. I’m a horrible freaking person.

Gone With the Wind
What? You got something to say about it? I swear I will not sit through this clearly overrated, overblown soap opera until my girlfriend makes me.

Poison Ivy
Not the Michael J. Fox/Nancy McKeon summer camp movie from the ‘80s. I mean, I’ve seen the shit out of that one. I’ve also seen Poison Ivy 2 with the ever-lovely Alyssa Milano, but I have never gotten around to checking out the original.

Robocop 3
Yes, there's a Robocop 3.

Rambo III
I’ve never admitted that to anyone. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.

Dances with Wolves
I made a promise to the Ghost of Gene Siskel that I would watch this Costner epic, and so it shall be done.

Friday the 13th Parts V, VI, and IX
VII, VIII, X, and Freddy vs. Jason were awesome though.

Conan The Destroyer
Seriously, how have I not seen this movie? I’ve seen Red Sonja like 10 times and Kull the Conqueror more than I care to admit.

Speed
Oh my God, I can’t believe I just said that. I have lied about seeing this movie on countless occasions. I don’t know why. The lie gains me nothing. I am truly despicable. I mean not seeing Schindler’s List is one thing, but staring your friends in the face and saying, “Of course I’ve seen Speed. What do you think I’ve been living in a goddamn cave for the past decade?” is just the worst. No. What’s worse is the fact that I have seen Speed 2. Oddly, I could follow along without any problem.

I know there are more out there, but I have to go cleanse my sins. Perhaps in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Purple Rain. Now that’s a movie I’ve seen. Seriously. I’ve seen it. You can totally quiz me.

Grieco in 30 Seconds

When I was in theatre school our professors used to tell us that directors knew if they were going to cast us after only 30 seconds of our audition. This has always disturbed me because I feel like I don’t really tap in until at least the two or three-minute mark. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I was thinking about the 30-second rule last night, and I decided to see if it could be applied to our work here at GIK. I chose 5 movies that leapt out at me from the guide and tuned into each for half a minute. I came into all of them at random moments and created reviews based on what I saw. Some might call this a bold scientific experiment. Others might suggest that I got a little messed up on A Brave New World pills and just couldn’t focus long enough to actually watch an entire film. I leave the decision up to you.

Code Red: The Rubicon Conspiracy
Every time I think I have come up with the most ridiculous title and plot for a movie, the Sci-Fi channel proves me wrong. I tuned into a scene that could have been straight out of Predator if the alien didn’t look like his “armor” was made from a combination of catcher’s equipment and low-rent S&M gear. I caught two lines of dialogue: “This is getting weirder and weirder,” and “It’s the ship the cyborg arrived in.” Man, the glue the execs over at SciFi sniff must just be primo. (3 ½-Griecos)

Lost & Found
The moment I flipped over to this film, Sophie Marceau greeted David Spade and asked, “What are you all dressed up for?” Spade shockingly responded with, “Road trip.” I can only assume he and Marceau then hopped into a car in order to save an election or a factory or to find Spade’s estranged family. Along the way they probably ran into a band of crazy characters and Spade and his car suffered a series of humiliations. In the end, I’m pretty sure they saved the day and the two of them learned that despite their differences they really are good together. Then something wacky happened and the credits roled. Look, even if they don’t actually go on a trip of any kind, I just have the feeling that this movie totally sucks. (1-Grieco).

True Crime
Kevin Dillon and a bespectacled Alicia Silverstone sit around and devise some sort of plan for some kind of thing while vaguely noirish music plays. Then she says something like “I’m not pretty,” then he says “you’re beautiful,” and then they make out. I know absolutely nothing about this movie, but I’m going with 2-Griecos. It seems like one of those films that takes itself way too seriously, and Silverstone hasn’t turned in a decent performance since Clueless. And don’t even get me started on Kevin Dillon. Hanging out with that damn Adrian Grenier. Man, I hate that kid.

Striptease
What the hell is Burt Reynolds doing? Somebody, for the love of God, please tell me what the hell Burt Reynolds is doing. (3-Griecos)

The Chronicles of Riddick
I clicked over just as Vin Diesel started to battle these metal-clad warrior dudes who have Matrix-like moves. Not a single line of dialogue was spoken. It was totally awesome. The fact that I have not seen this movie just makes me sick. I feel as though I have let all of you down, but more importantly, I’ve let myself down. Like that time I dropped out of my Frisbee class in college because 9:30 AM was just too damn early. Frisbee class, y’all. (4-Griecos)

If any of you have seen the above films please weigh in with your opinions and let me know how close I got. See the ratings below if you’re new to the world of Grieco or if you just don't have what it takes to retain simple pieces of information.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

A Quick Update

I just wanted everybody to know that Blind Horizon (winner of the Netflix vote post) is en route to my home and will be reviewed later this week. I was also able to reserve Karate Dog, but it is unavailable at this time. I can only assume that means that someone (perhaps you) has it at home and is watching it over and over, refusing to send it back. I totally respect that. I’ll let you know when they send it out.

Fight for Grieco, and Grieco will fight for thee.

Grieco Snubbed

Dear Members of the Academy:

I see once again that you, The Hollywood Elite, have completely ignored the work of Grieco. While you were busy handing out awards to anyone who cobbled together some politically-charged or socially-conscious claptrap, Grieco was busting his ass making movies for the people. What’s that you say? Grieco didn’t make any movies during 2005? Well, I guess you failed to catch a little film I like to call Forget About It. Had you watched it you would have seen some bold Italian stereotypes put forth not only by Grieco, but by Burt Reynolds and the future star of Bts’s and my gripping drama “The Statistician,” Robert Loggia. But you know what? It’s not just about this year. What about last year when you didn’t even bother to open the copies of Grieco’s Dead Easy that I sent you. Look, I didn’t see the movie either, but I think it’s some kind of cat and mouse piece full of intrigue and pure awesomeness, so it’s your loss. Your anti-Grieco tendencies can even be traced back all the way to ought-one when you skipped over the performances of Grieco, Dice Clay, Ice T, Gremlins’s Zach Galligan, and legendary Skid Row front man, Sebastian Bach, in the brilliant Point Doom. That’s right, Point F’ing Doom. Did its sleazy agents and exposure of the dark underbelly of LA nightlife hit a little too close to home? Or was its seemingly $20.00 budget just too damn real for you?

What’s that Academy? You say this year’s winners in the male acting categories are more deserving than Grieco? Bullshit, I say! Pure bullshit. Let’s look at Best Supporting Actor, George Clooney. Please. Grieco was the sexiest man alive when Clooney was still sportin’ a mullet on “The Facts of Life” trying to get Blair to bang him in the back of the bookstore. That brings us to Best Actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. OK, so I can’t say anything bad about him. I mean, everything that guy does is gold. But ask yourself this Academy; does Phillip Seymour Hoffman have a blog dedicated to him that’s run by a somewhat crazed, incredibly bored 30 year-old who spends all of his free time watching crappy movies and yelling at the TV because he’s positive that if he could just get somebody to read his screenplay about the Russian sub captain and the hairdresser who open up a small clothing boutique together in SoHo he would be totally famous? No. No, he does not. And if Phillip Seymour Hoffman doesn’t have that going for him, how could he possibly be worthy of an Oscar?

In closing, I would like to thank the members of the Academy. That’s right. Thank you. Thank you for proving once again that, despite your best efforts, Grieco will not simply go away. Nay! He will never go quietly into the night no matter how many times you pass him over. For now, even as you are snubbing him on this most special of eves, he is in post-production for Raiders of the Damned which is going to blow your freakin’ minds, and he is in pre-production for a piece entitled The Ghost Riders. It’s about dead outlaws who return from the depths of hell to wreak havoc upon a small town, so suck on that. If you ignore either of those films you might as well just be the Independent Spirit Awards.

Sincerely,

Michael Corben

P.S. Please find a copy of Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: The Hunt for Dreads October enclosed. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Profiles in Grieco (Part II)

For the second installment of this groundbreaking series, I present a man that I am sure you are all familiar with. He is an actor that can say more with his 5:00 shadow than most can with a 2-page monologue. His name has come up more than once recently at GIK, and I thought it was time we gave him his proper due.

Michael Biehn
Biehn is best known for his nearly identical performances as Reese and Hicks in The Terminator and Aliens, respectively. (note: these are not to be confused with his role in The Abyss, which is totally different because it’s underwater.) In both movies he plays a badass from the future who has what it takes to woo a tough chick from the past (Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver). He also has the right combination of raw machismo and sensitivity to battle an evil robot or evil aliens before dying or getting severely wounded before the last scene, allowing the ladies to finish the job. However, Biehn is more than just a futuristic Lieutenant or Corporal. He’s also a modern-day Navy Seal. Or at least he was in Navy Seals (clearly a 3 ½ -Grieco film) and The Rock (easily 4-Griecos). Biehn also appears in what is perhaps the most GIK-worthy film of all time; Megiddo: The Omega Code 2. Seriously, it’s like a remake of Omega Code 1, but it ignores all the stuff that Casper Van Dien accomplished battling the Antichrist in the original. I dare you to watch them back-to-back. Bts and I took it on once, and we were never quite the same. Anyway, back to Biehn. While I love all of his sci-fi work (including his “Head of FEMA” role in the made-for-television hit, Asteroid), my favorite Biehn performance is that of Johnny Ringo in Tombstone. The scene where he and Doc Holliday (Kilmer at his most brilliant) have a battle of wits in Latin is one of the greatest moments in the history of the world. Overstatement? Peshaw! Try to name 3 things that are better. You can’t.

Like Joe Don Baker, Biehn’s role in Hollywood is slowly disappearing. People just don’t have the balls to deal with what Biehn is brining anymore. He is, in many ways, the classic rock to Grieco’s glam. Would Grieco exist without him? Probably. But he wouldn’t kick near as much ass and his hair wouldn’t look half as cool.

#5-0

Yesterday marked the 50th posting of GIK. Let’s be honest. No one (myself included) thought I would make it past 8. But here we are. Face to face. A couple of silver spoons. You know, just like trying to find our peace of mind and whatnot. Anyway, I thought we should do something special to commemorate the first 50 posts. Initially, I thought we could do some sort of clip show. Like, “Hey. You guys remember when we talked about dragons? That was cool,” or “Hey. You guys remember when we exposed Ethan Hawke for the douchebag fraud that he is? That was awesome.” I’ve always thought that clip shows were kind of a copout though, so I decided against it. Besides, we shouldn’t dwell on what is behind us, we should look forward. Always forward. I was stuck. I had nothing. Then, I took my “medicine” for my “knee pain” and things started to fall into place. I remembered that when I was young Mad (Magazine not TV) used to do these clever articles like “Dental Visits We’d Like to See” or “Fishing Trips We’d Like to See.” I decided that’s the kind of thing we need around here. Sure, there are a lot of Grieco-type films out there, but we need more. We need to inspire those who come after us to create films that have no business being created. So, in honor of the first 50 posts and with apologies to the good people at Mad, I give you “GIK Movies We’d Like to See.”

Terrordactyl
Christopher Lambert plays a grizzled old fighter pilot who is teaching a young hot shot, James van der Beek, how to cut the sky in half. In a dramatic twist, just as he is about to pass the secret of flight onto Beek, a giant flying dinosaur swoops out of the sky and devours Lambert’s plane. Beek must then lead a group of attractive young pilots (Jessica Biel will play Lt. Thora “Lady Nightshade” Mitchell) against the invading army of airborne lizards.

Pale Moon Waning
This macabre tale finds Crispin Glover at odds with his amputee father and the ghost of his dead brother. In order to free the world of sin and walk hand-and-hand with his true love (Fairuza Balk), Crispin must reenact the Stations of the Cross at the local county fair with a group of mentally challenged children.

A Tuppence of Tea
This brilliant romantic comedy finds Kate Hudson falling for Jake Gyllenwhatever. At first they fight, but after a couple of monologues they realize they’re soul mates, and everything ends perfectly. Even for Steve Zahn and Parker Posey who play their wacky friends.

Planetron 3327: The Delta Omega Initiative
Fascist robots rule the Earth. An aging Cameron Diaz and her alien/cat hybrid, Malook, must journey to Parsec 13 to retrieve the mythical Phalanx Crystal that will transport them back to 2008 to stop the rise of the machines. A 25 year-old Dako Fa Fa lights up the screen as the young Diaz in director James "King of the World" Cameron’s long-awaited follow up to Titanic. In the end, we realize that Diaz/Fa Fa is herself a robot, causing us all to once again marvel at Cameron’s genius. Seriously, this jagoff must be destroyed. Stop sending miniature freaking submarines to further explore the wreckage of the damn ship. We get it. You’re totally rich and you can do whatever the hell you want. Oooh, there are still some antique plates down there, and oh what a story they tell. Sorry. I just can’t stand that guy. He cut Biehn out of T2 and that is just unforgivable.

Thank you all for reading and commenting on the first 50. I don’t know what the future holds for GIK, but I do know this; Together. We’re gonna find our way. You and I. Together. Woo…hoo…hoo.