Jason X
Finally, the Friday the 13th series reaches the pinnacle of absurdity as Jason, like Leprechaun and Pinhead before him, travels to space. Sure, when Jason took Manhattan it was ridiculous, but somebody had to clean up that godforsaken town, so it kind of made sense. Anyway, Jason X (for “10” but also for “extreme”) takes place in the not-so-distant future. You know, where people kind of dress the same, but vehicles are a little more kickass. In this adventure, Jason has been frozen and he ends up on a spaceship with a group of sexy teens (or 20-somethings, I can’t even tell anymore). Eventually, he thaws out and through the magic of technology gets a futuristic mask/machete upgrade and the killing begins. From there, the movie pretty much turns into a cheap Alien imitation with Jason filling in for the Giger beast, but the music is a little more techno and the artistry is a little more lacking. Alright, let’s get to the point. Jason Voorhees is in f’ing space, y’all. Come on! In a way, it’s more Grieco than Grieco. The gore is also just perfect, and several of the deaths are simply splendid.
Mazes and Monsters
Mazes and Monsters (henceforth, M&M) was made for Canadian TV, and it has that secretly Canadian charm throughout. Some of you might be too young to remember a time in the good old 1980s when there was a group of kids even nerdier than myself who spent days on end immersed in “Dungeons and Dragons” and then totally freaked out and killed themselves or did slay the mythical Dark Elf who was, in actuality, just one of their friends. M&M hits on this important point in our (and apparently Canada’s) history. A young Tom Hanks plays Robbie, but really he plays Pardu, A Holy Man. Pardu walks with Glacia the fighter. Only that goes sour, and Glacia starts walking with Frelick the Frenetic, but that’s another story altogether. Hanks and his other super-cool college friends grow bored of common RPGs (role playing games for the tragically un-hip) and decide to play in their own live-action version created by their suicidal friend in some abandoned caverns. From there, Hanks snaps and goes on a quest bestowed upon him in a dream by his dead brother. He totally becomes Pardu and believe me Hanks gives you everything you'd expect from a future multiple Academy Award winner. Just as Jason once did, Pardu journeys to New York. Once there, he meets a King/homeless guy, accidentally kills a dude, and heads to the Two Towers (let’s not even get into it) to complete his journey. In the end, Hanks is hauled off by the crazy catchers and he retires to his parents’ country home where he speaks of innkeepers and magic coins for he is still trapped in the world of Dungeons and---sorry---of Mazes and Monsters.
Breakdown
#2 seed Jason X is, in my opinion, the best Friday the 13th since the one with the girl (Teena?) who might be possessed by Jason or whatever. It delivers everything you want. However, there is just something I love about Hanks before he started taking himself so seriously. The “fantasy” dialogue in M&M is also incredible in so many ways. Did I mention that Pardu, a Holy Man, walks with Glacia the Fighter? Listen up, people. #3 seed Mazes and Monsters pulls the upset, and it’s got the HP and MP to give The Saint a run in the next round.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the opening tip-off in the much maligned Voight Bracket.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Jason X vs. Mazes and Monsters
Posted by # 5 at 11:28 AM
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6 comments:
I present: 9 Very Grieco Degrees of Jason X/M&M:
Tom Hanks was in Busom Buddies with Wendie-Jo Sperber who was on Parker Lewis Can't Lose with Corin Nemec who was in The Stand with Gary Sinise who was in Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck who was in Good Will Hunting with far more talented brother Casey Affleck who was in a stirring remake of Hamlet with Kyle McLachlan who was in Showgirls with Gena Gershon who was directed in Crash (the soft-core lesbo-esque one, not the Oscar one) by David Cronenberg who was - blink and you may miss him - in Jason X.
I am bored.
kev
Nice, kev.
Since the Saint was mentioned in passing in the this post, I'd like to announce that, in an effort to redeem myself for Blind Horizon, I watched the great Val Kilmer in The Island of Dr. Moreau last night. Echoing his hair from Top Gun, Kilmer was solid as the wacky, sadistic neuro-surgeon. Aside from, or because of, a few really bizarre acting choices - like when the unappealing Brit who's marooned on the crazy island is trying to radio for help and Kilmer shows him that he's stolen a crucial circuit board, which he is oddly balancing on top of his head - it's classic Kilmer. Brando in the title role was way too good for the film he was in, and the cast of "Cats" grunted and scampered admirably. The SFX were made on a graphing calculator. I watched until Brando got his chest ripped open by Rum Tum Tugger, then I went to bed.
Go M&M!
hey ghost, you forgot to mention the hot interspecies orgy towards the end of "Island." Tigers and goats doin' it is super hot in my book.
I didn't make it that far into the film, Sherpa. But I did fail to mention Faruza Balk playing the only part she's good at - a chick with fangs. Oh, and Pearlman as the blind ram sage was pretty tight too.
I am thrilled that M&M won so handily. However, I am forced to make a correction. Glacia the Fighter does not leave Pardu for Frelich, but rather for the hot blonde, sensitive kid whose name I can't remember right now. Frelich the Elf is the super-smart, rich 16-year-old who went to college early and wears a different funny hat in each scene. He is also the one responsible for bringing the game to the cave, fake skeletons and all.
"The innkeeper's wife is generous, and the food is good and plentiful."
Sorry about the Frelich mishap. I just get so fired up about that kid and his wacky, wacky hats.
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