Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Sweet Taste of Raspberry

The Academy Awards have named thier nominees. I say ignore them, and check out the Golden Raspberry Awards. They released their nominees, as well, and they have an eye for the Grieco. My bet is on Son of Mask, but Dukes of Hazzard might pull the upset. Check out all of the nominees at www.razzies.com.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Bottoms Up: Movie Drinking Games

Let me start by saying that I am not much of a drinker. Nor do I encourage others to drink (you hear that youngsters?). However, there are a few movies out there that can be greatly enhanced with these college-inspired, expertly-designed drinking games, so if you are of-age and you have absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go, grab some Lone Star, Old Style, or Natty Light and enjoy.

Now, I cannot take credit for all of the content in these games, as I am blessed with friends who are much drunker and cleverer than I, so thanks to everyone who had a hand in this.

The Saint

Take a drink

Any time Val Kilmer does some sort of accent.

Any time Val Kilmer dons the masque of Sir Thomas Moore. (note: prepare a special glass of wine for Sir Thomas’s “I was weeping and I slipped. I was thinking of you. I don’t know” monologue.

When the red-haired kid pauses perfectly between saying "cold fusion" and "the theory."

Any time Elisabeth Shue mentions her “heart” or struggles to breathe.

When Elisabeth Shue utters the phrase, “Our love is like the cold universe” in a voice that sounds like it belongs to a 12-year-old.

Any time Elisabeth Shue’s acting is so bad you simply can’t take it. (note: be careful with this one, or it can turn very ugly.)

The Secret of My Success

Take a drink

Any time Michael J. Fox’s hair inexplicably changes length or color from scene-to-scene.

Any time Michael J. Fox picks up an office product or other prop and flips it or taps it.

Any time Michael J. Fox spins in a circle or walks backwards for seemingly no reason.

Any time Michael J. Fox stares earnestly out a window, dreaming of his future.

Any time you question the casting choice of Helen “Legend of Billie Jean” Slater.

Independence Day (ID4 if you’re nasty)

Take a drink

Any time a walking stereotype takes the screen. (I’m talking to you Jud Hirsch, Harvey Firestein, Randy Quaid, British Soldier #1, et. al.)

Any time Will Smith substitutes “attitude” for true human emotion.

Any time Goldblum lays down some sweet pseudo-scientific jargon just like he does in Jurassic Park, JP2, and The Fly.

Any time you actually start to feel patriotic.

Any time you grow disgusted with yourself for actually starting to feel patriotic.

Any time a scene from “V” is blatantly ripped off. (note: if you haven’t seen “V,” you have an obligation to yourself, to me, and to the entire GIK community to go out and get it right now.)

Any time Bill Pullman changes his inflection. (It doesn’t happen much, but boy when it does…whew!)

Any time cheap one-line insults are hurled at aliens who couldn't possibly have a grasp on the American idiom.


Good luck with these games, and feel free to add whatever you think is necessary to improve them. Please drink and watch responsibly.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Mr. Poe. My Drink, Please.

King Kong garnered a lot of attention over the holiday season. Some people focused on the badass giant ape vs. giant dinosaur stuff, others were more concerned with the touching love story between a CGI gorilla and a hot blonde, and still others, such as myself, questioned why they chose to drink absinthe for the first time before attending a 3-hour+ movie. Perhaps the loudest voices in the Kong discussions, though, belonged to those who were trying to figure out why the movie wasn’t performing as well at the box office as everyone thought it would. Look, I loved Kong. Sure, they could have spent like 20 minutes less on that damn boat, and yeah, that scene on the frozen pond was a little much, but those are not the reasons it didn’t break opening-weekend records. Kong didn’t live up to its financial expectations, because it forgot what the people want to see; Dudes in monkey suits.

Congo
Please tell me you’ve seen Congo. It is one of the best non-Grieco Grieco films of all time, and it might have the greatest cast ever assembled. I won’t name them now, so you can read in wide-eyed wonderment as their names pop up.

Congo opens with Bruce Campbell doing his best “Ash” impression as he strolls through the jungle and contacts Laura Linney in Houston to demonstrate how the flawless blue diamond he found can be used in some sort of awesome new laser. They end transmission, and Campbell heads off to a place-that-time-forgot where he is promptly attacked. Back in Houston, Joe Don Baker shows up doing his best Joe Don Baker impression. He and Linney use a remote link to connect to Campbell. The camera goes on, and we see that Campbell is gone and that his team has been torn apart. Then, a beast attacks the camera, and Linney and JDB are left horrified. (note: I was really hoping something like this would happen when the Mars Rover landed. You know, just like a claw, a howl, and then static.) Anyway, it is decided that Linney will go to the jungle in search of Campbell and the perfect diamond he found.

Cut to Berkley. A scientist is teaching, wait for it, a dude in a monkey suit. Yes! He is working with a gorilla named Amy that uses sign language, which is then processed through a Hawkingesque device, allowing her to talk. Only, instead of sounding like Hawking, the gorilla sounds like a small girl, and instead of working on a unified theory, she says stuff like “Amy. Pretty.” and “Amy. Good Gorilla.” It turns out Amy wants to go home to the jungle, and her scientist friend wants to help her, but he needs some money to pull it off. Enter Tim Curry doing the most bizarre “Romanian” accent ever heard. Seriously, it rivals whatever the hell Voight is doing in Anaconda. Alright, the scientist, the gorilla, and Curry arrive at the airport where they are met by Linney. She shells out some dough and joins the expedition. When the group arrives in Africa, they are met by Joe “Joey Pants” Pantoliano who takes a real risk by playing a smug, street-smart guy. Explosions and political commentary erupt, and everyone (sans Joey Pants) gets on another plane where they are joined by Ernie Hudson doing this awesome pseudo-British hunter voice. After parachuting out of the plane (yes, the gorilla parachutes with some help from Hudson), they land in the jungle, and we find out that Curry is really in search of a lost city that I think is called Zinge, but I have no idea, because you can only understand like every three words Tim says. Then, some natives show up and do their requisite chanting. Amy the gorilla eventually leads them to the lost city (Curry knew she would), they find Campbell’s dead body, a marauding band of rabid dudes in monkey suits descends upon them, and Curry gets killed without so much as a “Just look out!” or “Oh, Rocky!” Amidst the sheer chaos and strain on your suspension of disbelief, quick-witted Linney grabs a diamond from Campbell’s cold dead hand, fires up that laser thing from the beginning of the movie, and eradicates the dudes in monkey suits. A volcano starts to erupt, causing everyone to flee. Amy the gorilla saves her scientist friend, and then shares a touching goodbye scene with him before she runs off with a noble grey-back she met along the way. The volcano gets worse, so Linney, the scientist, and Ernie Hudson (hell yeah, he made it!) escape in a hot air balloon. Yep. A hot air balloon. Witty banter as they drift off into the cloudy sky, and…credits.

Congo is based on a Crighton book with a screenplay by John Patrick Shanley, a man who fancies himself a great American playwright. Let me ask you this J.P., did you or good old Mikey pen the line, “I’m not a pound of sugar. I’m a primatologist,” because that’s just about the best damn piece of dialogue ever. I mean it Jo-pat-sha, you’re aces.

Despite and because of that line, Congo gets 4-Griecos (see ratings). You have to see it. It’s like watching an episode of “Xena," but one where only a couple of people are in on the joke. I do suggest you fast forward through the establishing shots, though. You know, just to keep things moving. I mean, we don’t want this picture dragging on like Kong or anything.


Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House" on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Comments on Triumph

Here are a couple of additions the people would like to make to the "best performances" list. We can only be left to ponder what Sherpa and The Ghost of Gene Siskel have to offer. (note: The Ghost of Gene Siskel has been very busy lately proving to the world that he missed his calling as a dancer, and Sherpa helped me with half of the list anyway.)

Anonymous said...
What about Prince in "When You Were Mine"?Do songs not count? They should, they really should.But okay, "Purple Rain".

Kev said...
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN INANIMATE OBJECT:the mask in Halloween Who knew that a William Shatner mask painted white could evoke such terror? It shows more expression than Costner during all 5 hours of Dances With Wolves.


Thank you for the comments, and stay tuned for tomorrow's post when I finally explain to everyone why Congo is the only ape film worth watching. That's right. I'm talking to you Peter Jackson.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Where Have all the Griecos Gone?

Have you noticed that these hit films today lack that certain Grieco-esque charm of the movies that were popular when we were kids? I mean, where is the flipping of office supplies that Michael J. Fox pioneered in Secret of My Success? Where is the badass car race between some dude and a ghost that Charlie Sheen took on in The Wraith? And where, my friends, are the 32 year-olds playing high school students who get drwan into some sort of internatational intrigue and end up defeating a band of vaguely European super villains like Grieco did in If Looks Could Kill? I don't know. Maybe I'm just too old for these modern pictures. I mean, in my day if you had sex in a horror film, you got killed. Now, you got tramps flashin' their stuff around with no consequenses. Dogs and Cats living together. It's mass hysteria.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Raise Your Head in Triumph (Part II)

Here are the remaining 5 of the all-time top 10 performances in movies that would make Grieco proud. Please let me know who you think should be added to the list.

Best Performance by a Child Who Went on to do Mediocre Work
Kirsten Dunst
Interview with the Vampire – I have no real problem with Dunst. She seems like a nice girl, and Bring it On is great. I’m also a big fan of the Spider-Man movies (shocking, I know). It’s just that she seems kind of generic up there, right? It's all no risks, no physical coordination, and no bras with her (seriously Kirsten, what's the deal with the no bras?). However, when she was a wee girl in Interview, she had the chops. In this pale Goth kid’s wet dream by Anne Rice, Kirsten holds her own with a pre-mindfreak Cruise, and her work is the only thing that can almost make you overlook Brad Pitt’s I’m-so-damn-handsome-all-I-have-to-do-is-talk-in-this-monotone-without-ever-
really-unclenching-my-jaw performance.

Best Performance that Makes an Appearance in a Later Film
Ben StillerHeavyweights – Don’t listen to your friends who say movies that exploit the trials and tribulations of fat kids aren’t funny, because Stiller’s insane exercise guru makes Heavyweights, at times, one of the funniest movies out there. I mean, he’s basically putting on a clinic with his “we are all like Icarus” monologue. Stiller would take his work in the movie and do almost exactly the same thing in Dodgeball (which I love), but the performance was better the first time around.

The “Preferably Something that will Give My Unborn Children Gills” Award
Parker Posey
Party Girl – I am a huge fan of Parker Posey. I even watched that horrible made-for-TV modern-day retelling of Frankenstein she did with that Goldberg kid from Dazed and Confused and the Frenchman from The Crow II. Anyway, her performances in said Dazed and Confused and the Christopher Guest movies are some of the best I’ve seen, but what she brings to Party Girl is just amazing. The woman can make anything funny and pull off any ridiculous outfit, and that, my friends, is talent. (note: Parker should show some class and share this award with castmate Guillermo Diaz.)

Best Performance by a Consummate B-Movie Actor
Kurt Russell
Big Trouble in Little China – Kurt Russell’s refusal to change his hair over the last 20 years is reason enough to give him an award, and his work in classics like Escape from New York, Tango and Cash, and even Overboard make me dream of the day when he will play Grieco’s uncle in a tale about ranchers that rise up to stop some sort of robot invasion. However, his performance in Big Trouble in Little China is truly his shining moment. The boots, the sleeveless shirt, and the unwavering smirk are the perfect additions to this already badass movie.

Best Onscreen Truffle Shuffle
The kid who played ChunkThe Goonies – I know The Goonies is not a GIK movie. There simply aren't enough Griecos in the rating system to account for how awesome it is. I just thought it was time that Chunk (Jeff Cohen) got the credit he deserves. His bar mitzvah/uncle’s toupee/fake-vomit-in-the-movie-theater monologue may very well be the greatest thing a child has ever done anywhere in anything. Unless, of course, you break down the scene where he tries to lick the ice cream off the spoon as Robert Davi yanks it away from him. While Samwise, Feldman, Data, Plimpton, that cute girl, and young Josh Brolin are all superb, it is Chunk who stands out among this rag-tag bunch of kids bent on saving their neighborhood from those evil land developers. Man, ‘80s villains were the best.


For the record, I know what you're thinking. However, to put Grieco on the list is an insult to Grieco. The man can’t simply be lumped in with common performers. It just wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Raise Your Head in Triumph

The response to the worst performances list (Hang Your Head in Shame parts I&II) was so good, it got me thinking about the best performances of our time. Not the Oscar-winning type roles that we’re all familiar with, but the performances in those Grieco-esque films that oft’ go underappreciated. Now, as I left Kevin Costner off the "worst" list, I must leave Val Kilmer off the "best" list. His teeth-clicking/deep-breath-taking moments in Top Gun and absolutely everything he does in The Saint deserve their own pages, and trust me, that day will come. In the meantime, here are the first 5 of the top 10 best performances of all time in movies that would make Grieco proud. As with the previous list, I’ve tried to stick with films that most people are familiar with, so my apologies to Jeff Speakman. For too long, sir, has your work in The Perfect Weapon gone unheralded.


Best Reason to Quit that Sinful Dancing
John Lithgow
Footloose – This is a great film. Bacon’s weird gymnastics scene, the Quiet Riot-heavy soundtrack, and the hairdos are more than worth the price of rental (or purchase, for those of you who really know what life’s about). However, Lithgow’s portrayal of a fire-and-brimstone preacher who faces his own demons in order to reconnect with his daughter, his wife, and The Dance is by far the best part of the movie. When he takes the pulpit, it’s so good I just want to cut loose...so loose and, I don’t know, kick off my Sunday shoes or something.

Best Performance in a Kevin Smith Movie
Jason LeeMallrats – Look, I know Mallrats has its problems, and sure, Kevin Smith can be kind of a douchebag some times, but Jason Lee is kickass in this movie. His brown coat, his passion for comics, and his ability to ignore the horrendous performance of Jeremy London deserve recognition. If that’s not enough, the man can effing skate. I mean he had his own board, y’all. His own board.

Best Performance by an Offbeat Singer/Songwriter
Tom WaitsBram Stoker’s Dracula – Where Keanu fails, Waits succeeds. His Renfield is totally bold. The bug eating, the crazy things on his hands, the accent; it’s all awesome. And the “no one would refuse me a cat…the master will come, and he has promised to make me immortal” rant into the biting-of-Dr. Seward scene would make a great intro for a Tom Waits video that involves some sort of carnival act and a busted typewriter. Oldman’s Oldman-worthy Dracula and Hopkins’s cackling, batshit Van Helsing are also worth checking out.

Most Terrifyingly Accurate Portrayal of a Texas High School Football Coach
Jon Voight
Varsity Blues – “Circus come to town? I didn’t see no trucks.”
Varsity Blues is a 4-Grieco film, and Voight’s performance is one of my favorites of all time. (note: Voight’s Bolivian or German or whatever guy he plays in Anaconda is also top-tier stuff.) I spent my fair share of hours on the basketball court (I know the football players had it worse) with aging Texas gentlemen who were under the impression that I was “slower ‘n Christmas,” “stupider than shit on a stick,” and “not worth the time my mama took to have me,” so I appreciate Voight’s portrayal of Bud Kilmer (named after Val?). Every inflection, gum chew, and coach-clap he has in this movie is just perfect. I don’t know what else I can say about Voight. Except, of course, that his daughter, Angelina, strikes me as being a bit of a harpy.

Best Onscreen Portrayal of a High School Asshole
Peter Facinelli
Can’t Hardly Wait – I love this movie. It’s basically an ‘80s teen end-of-the-school-year picture made in the ‘90s, and it has all of the highlights and script problems you would expect. While the great Seth Green and little Lauren Ambrose (Claire on "Six Feet Under") make a wonderful couple, Facinelli’s performance as the stereotypical football star is the true standout of this piece. His slow-mo high-five montage is so perfect that every time I see it I feel like I’m sitting on the couch at a party sipping from a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill and pretending to agree with my bespectacled female friend’s belief that The Scarlet Letter is one of the best books ever written, all the while hoping that the Zima she is drinking will go to her head, and I’ll finally get a chance to make out with her.


Once again, I would like to thank Sherpa for her help on the list and for her undying support of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Please let me know about your favorite performances, and look for Part II of the list on Monday.
In Grieco, there is truth.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Open Pitch Meeting with a Studio Exec

Mike or Michael is fine. I go by both…It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, too, Mr. Vine…Oh yeah, Scooter and I have talked on the phone many times. What’s up, Scooter?…Well, thank you for flying me out…(laughter, laughter, laughter.) I know the weather’s great here, and LA is where it’s all happening...The flight was outstanding. Got to watch Mona Lisa Smile on the portable DVD. You guys were dead-on with that one…I know, isn’t she?…Just wonderful. So many teeth…A Coke would be fantastic…(laughter, laughter, laughter.) I bet she does…Sure, I’m ready. Now, you need to be sitting down, because this is gonna knock you on your asses. The boys at Universal are wetting themselves for it, but I know you’re the ones to bring my vision to the people…Thank you, Gloria…(laughter, laughter, laughter. drink.) You were right…So, we open on raindrops pelting against the window of a rundown apartment. Inside, Adrian Brody wakes up…Jake?...Oh yeah, that’s even better. Definitely. Jake Gyllenhaal wakes up and sees a woman covered in blood laying next to him. She’s dead. Boom! The screen goes black. Jake wakes up again. No woman. It was only a dream…Of course. It was written for an attractive no-name who doesn’t show her face, but isn’t afraid to show her tits…Well, it turns out the dream was a vision. In ten days, Jake is going to wake up next to a dead woman he hasn’t even met yet. It’s kind of like Minority Report only not in the future, and good…In order to learn more, Jake takes to the streets of New York, but the film can totally be shot in Toronto. He runs into Matt Damon who plays a streetwise genius like he did in Good Will Hunting, Rounders, The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, Ocean’s Eleven, and Ocean’s Twelve. You see, Damon knows a pair of psychics that are gonna help Jake figure out what the hell is going on. Enter, Peter Stormare…The weird guy…He’s European or something…Right. The wood chipper. Enter, Peter Stormare and—wait for it—Dakota effing Fanning. That’s right, they’re a father and daughter psychic team, and the girl has to do most of the practical stuff, because her father is blind...Too much like Minority Report…You mean with Stormare and the psychics? Yeah. You know what? Screw it. I’m not married to the idea. Let's say Damon leads Jake to an underworld boss who knows the happs…what’s happening. Enter, Benecio Del Toro… Right, I know. Benecio’s seen this kind of thing before, and from the description of the girl in the dream she sounds like a hooker who’s the sister of one of Benecio’s ex-girlfriends. Benecio takes them to his ex, and that’s when we meet Maggie Gyllenhaal. Shit. That’s when we meet Cameron Diaz. She’s a down-on-her-luck dancer at the local strip joint, but she’s got a dream of opening an ice cream shop for the poor kids in the neighborhood. They’ll serve all the flavors for half the price…Sorry. Cameron and Jake fall in love fast, but as she helps him unravel the mystery they get too close to Joe Pantoliano. He runs the streets and he’s pissed. He sends Scott Caan and Steve Zahn after them, but their good-natured ribbing and pop culture-reference-laden banter gets in the way of them doing their job. No problem..................................................................................Hey, if you don’t call them, how are they gonna know to get your table ready for you, right? So, Cameron and Jake…Definitely. It’ll be tasteful but hot. Cameron and Jake discover that Jake is being set up to take the fall for a powerful senator played by the incomparable Campbell Scott…Really? John C. Reilly?...Jude Law. It turns out Jude Law has been planning to set Jake up for years, because Jake’s father, played by Tom Wilkinson…Tom Hanks in a flashback, was the assistant D.A. who brought Jude’s father down on a corruption charge, leading Jude’s mother to kill herself. With this knowledge, Jake and Cameron take the fight to Jude, and in an insane finale that involves two car chases, a leap from the Brooklyn Bridge, an exploding steel mill, inter-cut shots of strippers dancing to Christina Aguilera’s “Dirty,” and a gunfight that makes P-Fic look like Res Dogs, Jake gets winged in the head and collapses. When he wakes up, he’s in the bed from the dream, but—hold the phone—Cameron Diaz is dead next to him. Hah?! It was her in the dream all along…I know. I love them, too…No. I didn’t know he was dead the whole time…Thank you. Thank you so much, Mr. Vine. You’re right, Scooter. You’re absolutely right. It’s gonna be amazing…Sequel? Give me two days.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Somebody’s Going to Emergency, Somebody’s Going to Jail

There are several movie experiences that I believe I share with most of you. You know, those moments that have the power to stay with you for your entire life, like waiting in lines around the theater for Empire (Jedi for you younger folk or those of you who are not cursed with a ridiculous memory); seeing those two creepy girls in The Shining for the first time; watching Jimmy sink that “J” at the end of Hoosiers; or being totally incoherent while reclining on the couch with a large Canadian bacon/pineapple pizza, a 2-liter bottle of Coke, and an Olsen Twins movie on the TV. Don’t you dare judge. You’ve all been there. Sure, maybe it wasn’t those two billionaire moppets, but don’t pretend like you haven’t sat there and watched little Lindsay Lohan or that delightful Anne Hathoway late at night when you had nothing else to do. Seriously? Just me? Wow, I have got to get it together.

New York Minute
Yeah, I watched it. How else can I tell you about what’s goin’ down on the streets? I do it, so you don’t have to, y’all. So you don’t have to. Now, I could spend several pages here attacking the Olsens, focusing on the fact that they kind of look like fish, what with they’re strange bulbous eyes and drawn-in pouts, but that’s not me. I leave that kind of stuff to the gossip rags. My aims are literary. Always literary.

New York Minute is a concise retelling of Moby Dick with Eugene Levy as a modern day Ahab (a truancy officer who dreams of being a cop) and Mary-Kate as his chronically-absent white whale. Ashley fills in admirably as the noble savage, Queequeg. Sorry, things got away from me there, but some of this stuff is kind of true. You see, drum-playing, school-skipping, Red Bull-slamming, couture-wearing punk rocker, Mary-Kate, is ditching class to go to A Simple Plan’s video shoot in NY. Meanwhile, scented-soap-using, couture-wearing smarty pants, Ashley, is going to they city to give a speech that could earn her a scholarship to Oxford. Oh yeah, since the girls’ mother died they hardly ever talk anymore.

After Dr. Drew shows up as their dad, the twins hop a train to NY and the fun begins. After causing a ruckus with a passenger (Daryl Hammond), the girls get kicked off the train, and they quickly run into Andy Richter who speaks in a poor/borderline-brilliant stereotypical Chinese accent. He is part of a CD/DVD pirating ring (run by his adoptive Chinese mother), and his microchip containing all the latest jams and hits has been slipped to Ashley or Mary Kate (I’m not sure) to avoid suspicion. Richter kidnaps the girls, but before he can get his chip, they outsmart him and escape. After Ashley’s outfit gets ruined by a homeless guy, they sneak into a fancy hotel room to freshen up. There, M-K meets the sexy son of a senator (Ashley met a boy in the previous scene), and the senator’s dog swallows the microchip. We then find out that Richter has Ashley’s day planner with her speech notes in it, and he offers to trade it for the chip, which of course, is now inside the dog. Keep up, people. It’s just the Olsens.

Things don’t really work out on the trade, and everybody (including Levy) shows up at the A Simple Plan thing. Turns out they’re a real band, and boy do they suck. Anyway, more wackiness ensues and the girls end up trekking through the New York sewers, which are, for some strange reason, entirely devoid of rats. After learning some life lessons from the wise black people at a beauty shop, our milquetoast heroines have a wig/fashion montage. (note: during montage, I had an impure thought. I don’t want to talk about it.) The girls then steal a cab and engage in high speed chase with Levy, Ashley gets kidnapped again by Richter, Mary-Kate gives an impromptu speech in her sister’s stead, boy rescues Ashley, they show up to the speech ceremony, the girls bust Richter, give Levy the credit, and everybody is happy. Mary-Kate and Ashley then realize that they do really love and need each other and they hug. (note: another impure thought.)

That Summer (that’s what the screen says): M-K’s band, Zen Riot, is about to set out on a tour of London with their manager, Jack Osborne. Ashley has the Oxford scholarship, and both boys are making the trip across the pond (do I smell a sequel? New York Minute 2: London Calling. Girls, we’ll talk). Levy’s their friend and a cop now, a Bowie song gets covered, the credits roll, and I threw up a little in my mouth. Amazingly, all of the twists, turns, and gaping plot holes happened within like 1 hour and 20 minutes.

New York Minute is one of those movies I watch just to prove to myself that it can be done. It’s like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or Saving Private Ryan. Sure, it’s basically a direct-to-video movie that ended up in theaters, but I’m gonna give it 2-Griecos (see ratings) anyway. I love Levy, Richter, and Hammond (who appears throughout) and I’m just glad they’re getting work. Saget shows up to (sorry, Kev. That tramp Kimmy Giblar is nowhere to be found). This movie also made me happy to be my own age, as I see how bad things have gotten for these kids today. I mean, where is their Weird Science, Real Genius, or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? And what about Tron? Come on! That movie kicks ass and it demands a remake. Yeah, I know The Matrix is a total rip off. Can you believe Boxleitner doesn’t even cameo in it? That’s bullshit.

Ratings
1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House" on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Comments

Here are the comments for both portions of the "worst performances" list. As they are all dead on, I would like to share them with you. Thanks for the response, and I will keep adding any that come my way.

Sherpa said...
We ah to be meh-weed when I wetuhn." It's true, I know too much of this script to be considered normal. Though Keanu (and Winona, for that matter) ruins any chance of this movie being good, it is Gary Oldman's performance as a sexy Prince Vlad that has made me obsessed with this film since 11th grade. "It is no laughing MATTER! WE Draculs have a right to be proud! What devil or witch was ever so great as Atilla, whose blood FLOWS in these veins?!" I have the video, the DVD, the soundtrack, and the script. I am...a dork.

Your friend,
D

kev said...
I offer an additional contender: Worst Performance By An Alien/Human Hybrid: Shelley Duvall in The Shining. I just wasn't buying into Madame Wet Noodle Arms waving that knife so unconvincingly... Kev


How dare you, GIK... How dare you take an innocent blog used seemingly for good, and then twist it into something so hurtful. I speak, of course, of your needless assailing of Andrea Barber, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibler on Full House. She may not have her own clothing line or coke habit like the Olsen twins, but at least Ms. Barber could hold her own against the comedy stylings of Dave Coulier. Let this serve as your warning, GIK, lest you be tempted to cross the line in the future.
Kev
President and Founder,Andrea Barber Fan Club

the ghost of gene siskel said...
Glad you mentioned perennial horror Andie MacD. Amazingly, she also somehow managed not to ruin Groundhog Day. Yes, it's Murray at the top of his game, but that's more dead weight than any one man should humanly be able to pull. And that includes Magnus ver Magnusson.As for Academy- and Cyrus Dewey-Award winner Cuba Gooding, I've honestly blocked most of Radio out, but I'd be willing to sit through it again for the chance to post my thoughts in this august forum. But you're paying the rental fee, #5.

Hang Your Head in Shame (Part II)

You can all exhale. I know you’ve been waiting. Here are the final 5 of the 10 worst performances of all time.

Worst Onscreen Freakout
Renee Zellweger
Empire Records – I believe the slightly reptilian/I-look-like-I-just-sucked- on-a-lemon Renee Zellweger is a highly overrated actor, what with her various awards and nominations. She is a good Texas girl, though, so I try to take it easy on her. However, her yelling and panting “vitamins, and drugs, and babble-babble” freakout on Liv Tyler in the little-seen Empire Records is just impossible to watch. It would be incoherent even if Renee could open her mouth wide enough to actually pronounce words.

On a personal note: One of the main kids in Empire Records is from my hometown, and he was the desire of all of my female friends when I was a kid. God, how I hate him.

Worst Performance by a Chick I Used to Have A Crush On
Elisabeth ShueThe Saint – Liz, from the first time I saw you in Adventures in Babysitting and The Karate Kid I knew we would be together. Your innocent beauty and slightly nerdy persona were enough to keep me going back to the theater time and time again. Things got a little weird between us when you stepped into the role of Jennifer for Back to the Future II & III, but even through that horrible wig they made you wear, I could still see the girl of my dreams. Time passed, I grew up, you won some awards for that whore/drunk piece…and then you did The Saint. This movie is destined for the GIK Hall of Fame, and your performance is so bad it inspired my friends and I to start a drinking game based on it (more on this in a future post). Your short-of-breath “my heart” monologue and the part where you get on your knees and eat a pill out of Kilmer’s hand like you’re some kind of animal are just plain stunning. You sadden me, Liz, and you make me long for the days when all you had to do was sing “And Then He Kissed Me” in front of a mirror or party with Macchio on the beach to get me going.

Worst Display of Onscreen Drunkenness
Heath Ledger
The Brothers Grimm – One of the most common lessons they throw your way in theatre school is never “play drunk” when you are supposed to be drunk onstage or onscreen, because it lacks subtlety and truth. Apparently, Academy Award nominee, Heath Ledger, was absent from class that day, or maybe he was just busy banking on the 1-Grieco-at-most, A Knight’s Tale (How dare you piss on the work of Chaucer! I leapt up on that man’s tomb for godssake). Anyway, to the shock of all of my friends, I was fired up to see Gilliam’s take on the Brothers Grimm. Well, my friends were right. As soon as Ledger put ale to mouth and started stumbling around like the wacky, sad drunk on some horrible “very special episode” of “Growing Pains,” things got ugly fast. Ledger was so bad he made Damon look like Hoffman (Dustin or Phillip Seymour).

Worst Performance of All Time that Somehow Doesn’t Ruin the Rest of the Film
Andie MacDowell
Four Weddings and a Funeral – When Andie MacDowell speaks the words, “Is it raining? I hadn’t noticed,” at the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral, it is possibly the most horrid thing ever uttered by a human woman. MacDowell has the pizzazz of a cardboard box and the acting chops of that damn kid who played Kimmy on “Full House.” Despite all of this, Hugh Grant’s boyish charm and my own innate sappiness still make Four Weddings one of my favorite romantic comedies.

Worst Affront to the Mentally Challenged
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Radio – “Young man by the name of Radio. ‘S gonna help us out.”
There is almost nothing I can say about this shameless display. I know Cuba probably wanted another award, you know to follow up the whole “Show me the money!” fiasco, but his portrayal of “Wadio” just can’t even be talked about. Mostly because I couldn’t make it through the movie. In fact, I leave this, our true worst performance of all time, in the capable hands of frequent-reader, The Ghost of Gene Siskel, who actually had the balls to watch this piece of shit from start to finish. TGOGS, please leave a comment or come onboard for a guest appearance to give us your take on this travesty.

Just so you know, I have almost defeated The Man, and I should be able to return to a more regular posting schedule next week. I also want to thank Sherpa again for all of her help on this post, and if you haven’t read the comments left by the esteemed Kev anf the aforementioned TGOGS, you should. I have pasted them below. Keep it Grieco, y’all.

I offer an additional contender:Worst Performance By An Alien/Human Hybrid: Shelley Duvall in The Shining. I just wasn't buying into Madame Wet Noodle Arms waving that knife so unconvincingly... Kev

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Cut Me, Mick

Once again, Work has me up against the ropes and The Man is working the body like a young Clubber Lang. However, I will have the final 5 of the 10 worst performances of all time posted tomorrow. In the mean time, please submit your own suggestions and check out what other folks have had to say. And just in case you were wondering, Grieco is not on the list. How dare you even think like that.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Hang Your Head in Shame

With the Golden Globe Nominees released and the Oscars host (word, Jon Stewart) in place, awards season is in the air. All of this talk of actors playing real people and cowboys who just can’t quit each other has got me thinking about my own GIK awards that celebrate the worst performances of all time. I have tried to focus on movies that most people are familiar with, so you won’t be hearing about the woman who played the bi-curious cop in Eyes of the Werewolf. Sorry. Nor will you hear about the work of Kevin Costner, because let’s be honest, you could write a book on Robin Hood alone, and I haven’t seen Dances with Wolves, but I’m pretty sure he sucks in it. Basically, if he’s not playing a baseball player you can be sure he is delivering a cringe-worthy performance. So here are, in no particular order, the first five of what I think are the top ten non-Costner worst performances of all time. Please submit your own thoughts and stay tuned for the final five that will be posted later this week. If you have a chance you should also check out the Golden Raspberry Awards, because they have their finger on the pulse and whatnot.

Worst Accent
Keanu Reeves
Bram Stoker’s Dracula – While Keanu could have a list all his own, his “It is the man himself. He’s grown young!” and “DOCTAH, I doubted everything. (odd pause) EVEN my MIND. I was impotent with FE-AH. (odd pause) You must understand. I KNOW where the BASTARD sleeps,” might be the two worst line deliveries in the history of film. And I still don’t know where he’s supposed to be from.

Worst Display of Support for a Hollywood Religion
John Travolta
Battlefield Earth – I know it has become cliché to take shots at this movie, but holy shit, man. What the hell is Travolta doing? When he says “Stupid humans” he sounds like he did on “Saturday Night Live” when he played the ambiguously gay Dracula, and that isn’t even close to his worst bit in the film. Somewhere, our Overlord L. Ron is rolling over in his space capsule.

Worst Onscreen Couple of All Time
Winona Ryder/Ethan Hawke
Reality Bites – I love Ben Stiller, so I am confused as to why he cast Sir Broodsalot and the Klepto in this one. I’m even more confused as to why we’re supposed to think she should end up with Hawke’s vacant, vaguely existential slacker with greasy hair and a shitty band instead of the guy who is a good person and has a decent job, and I’m a slacker. Hawke may be the most overrated hack of all time and Ryder almost single-handedly ruined Beetlejuice, which is unforgivable. And don’t even get me started on Hawke’s Hamlet. The Dane is an indie filmmaker, Ethan? Do us all a favor, go trim your goat and start your third novel you pretentious prick.

Biggest Let Down in the History of Movies
Hayden Christensen
Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones – You get to play the man-who-will-be-Vader and this is what you’re bringing to the table? I know the dialogue is bad and that it’s not the same now that Yoda isn’t a puppet, but come on! You’re Anakin effing Skywalker. I know 100 actors who would have chopped off their hand and yelled “You’re not my father!” to get this role, and they all would have been so much better. You’re getting out acted by Mace Windu, son, and that’s saying something.

Worst Performance by a Robot & Worst Display of Being “Down with the Homies”
Julia Stiles
Save the Last Dance – Do yourself a favor and watch this movie with a dancer (not the exotic kind). That way, you can shudder at every soulless stare and cold, hollow line that moon-face Stiles delivers, while your dancer friend has to stop herself from taking her own life every time Julia attempts an arabesque.


Special Thanks to my friend Sherpa for all of her help on this one. She knows every line of Dracula. It’s terrifying.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

KMM

My oldest friend is a huge UT fan. Now, I am not man enough to admit defeat nor am I drunk enough to admit that maybe Vince Young actually does know how to play the game of football, but I will say, congratulations Kev.

That's it. Back to work. And soon...back to Grieco.

The Man

The Man is totally keeping me down. Saying I have to meet deadlines and whatnot. How dare He? What's the point of working from home if you're still going to get bitched at? When I can get The Man's thumb off my dick I will return to doing what I love best; watching really bad movies, writing about them, and riding horses. Yes, horses! Fine Spanish mares at least 12 hands long! Good Lord, it's late. I'll be back on Monday. Stay Grieco.

Go USC! Yeah, I live in Austin. So what?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Another Year, Another Grieco

Is it me, or is the Thetan level really high in here? I mean I’m trying to focus on the task at hand, but I can’t shake the feeling that the ancient ghosts of once-powerful aliens are haunting my every move. Sorry about that. Turns out my cat was just licking my hand. Let’s get down to Grieco.

Spliced
Spliced is a B-horror movie that draws on classics like Nightmare on Elm Street and The Ring (it says so on the box) and completely drains them of anything scary. The main girl, Mary, gets a bit aroused when she gets scared, so she goes to see this horror movie, The Wisher, that is all the rage. Soon after that the titular glass-blade-fingered killer of the film-within-the-film who, as my friend suggested, looks like he’s wearing curtains, a bad dreadlock wig, and white clown face paint from the Party Pig, starts appearing to Mary and all of her wishes start coming true. Of course, it’s the whole “Monkey’s Paw” thing where you don’t really want what you wish for, because people will die and whatnot…or at least burn. The Wisher really seems to be into burning stuff. Scared, Mary turns to her school counselor played by Ron Silver, star of the destined-for-GIK film Timecop with Van Damme. Silver is awesome. He chews gum on screen as only a true master of the craft can, and if you haven’t seen his work in the short-lived primetime soap “Skin” you have not truly begun to live. Anyway, The Wisher continues to wreak havoc and we find out that subliminal scenes have been “spliced” into the movie, but this never comes to anything, wasting our time and rendering the title useless. After some more people get disfigured, we are led to believe that The Wisher is the jock kid played by Drew “brother of Nick & 98 Degrees, y’all” Lachey. In a last ditch effort to save her life, Mary wishes The Wisher was dead and he starts slicing himself up with his glass (it really looks like a Lucite table from the ‘70s) fingers, and we find out that he was actually the nerd next door who showed his love for Mary by killing people and burning CDs for her. In the end, Ron Silver shows up and delivers a explanatory monologue that would make Hercule Poirot proud, and we are left with the obligatory “there might be a sequel isn’t it spooooky” scene.

Even if Spliced was called The Wisher like it should have been, it still would have sucked. But here’s what I learned from it; Canadians don’t talk like we think they talk. Sure, we’ve all heard “eh” and the weird way they say “out,” but they have been covering shit up. The actors in this clearly Canadian film have crazy accents, man. I kid you not; I expected Alastair and Moose from “You Can’t Do That on Television” to just pop out at any minute. Every word they utter reeks of hockey, clean streets, and Universal healthcare.

At the end of the day, the bizarre dialects and the acting chops of Ron Silver can’t get Spliced more than 1 ½ -Griecos (see ratings). However, if you watch the Anna Nicole Smith soft-core that’s on Showtime right after it like we did, the two films will blend together, and you won’t know where the killing stops and the gratuitous bath scenes begin. It will increase your appreciation for both movies.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.