Grieco: Year One

I’ve returned from my trips to Hollywood and Arlington (sister cities?), and it’s time to celebrate GIK’s first birthday. I wanted to look back at all we’ve accomplished over the year, and I thought the best way to do it would be to take a look at some of the comments (and the posts their linked to) that shaped the world of Grieco. The following is a collection of some of my favorites. They span almost the entire Grieco cannon, painting a clear picture of where we’ve been and perhaps where we are going.

Look Back in Greico

I feel like things really took off for GIK with the Hang Your Head in Shame posts. Part II sparked the ire of Kev, which is always fun for everybody:

How dare you, GIK... How dare you take an innocent blog used seemingly for good, and then twist it into something so hurtful. I speak, of course, of your needless assailing of Andrea Barber, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibler on Full House. She may not have her own clothing line or coke habit like the Olsen twins, but at least Ms. Barber could hold her own against the comedy stylings of Dave Coulier. Let this serve as your warning, GIK, lest you be tempted to cross the line in the future.

Kev
President and Founder,
Andrea Barber Fan Club

This one from Many, Many Movies sums up what was on everybody’s mind this year:

bts said...
Dude. Obviously Karate Dog.

You may remember that the shit started to go down with Grieco Madness, a seminal point in GIK’s history. The following is a comment that ended up shaping the entire tournament:

bts said...
i cant believe Starship Troopers is even on there... that's something else entirely. and the exclusion of Left Behind??? also, since when does Showgirls deserve a 1 seed over obvious contender Mazes and Monsters?just here to vent

Soon after BTS’ rant, Judgement was scratched and Left Behind replaced it.

The tournament gave us a glimpse into the life of a high school teacher (thanks Kev):

I present: 9 Very Grieco Degrees of Jason X/M&M:

Tom Hanks was in Busom Buddies with Wendie-Jo Sperber who was on Parker Lewis Can't Lose with Corin Nemec who was in The Stand with Gary Sinise who was in Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck who was in Good Will Hunting with far more talented brother Casey Affleck who was in a stirring remake of Hamlet with Kyle McLachlan who was in Showgirls with Gena Gershon who was directed in Crash (the soft-core lesbo-esque one, not the Oscar one) by David Cronenberg who was - blink and you may miss him - in Jason X.

I am bored.

The tournament also gave us a glimpse of pictures that weren’t even battling it out:

the ghost of gene siskel said...

Since the Saint was mentioned in passing in the this post, I'd like to announce that, in an effort to redeem myself for Blind Horizon, I watched the great Val Kilmer in The Island of Dr. Moreau last night. Echoing his hair from Top Gun, Kilmer was solid as the wacky, sadistic neuro-surgeon. Aside from, or because of, a few really bizarre acting choices - like when the unappealing Brit who's marooned on the crazy island is trying to radio for help and Kilmer shows him that he's stolen a crucial circuit board, which he is oddly balancing on top of his head - it's classic Kilmer. Brando in the title role was way too good for the film he was in, and the cast of "Cats" grunted and scampered admirably. The SFX were made on a graphing calculator. I watched until Brando got his chest ripped open by Rum Tum Tugger, then I went to bed.

Go M&M!

At 2:34 PM, Sherpa said...
hey ghost, you forgot to mention the hot interspecies orgy towards the end of "Island." Tigers and goats doin' it is super hot in my book.

And it got folks fired up about made-for-Canadian-TV movies:

obidiah said...
I hope Jason X is prepared for the thorough pantsing it will surely receive by perennial underdog Mazes and Monsters. Pardu the Holy Man can pop the trey every time, and Glacia the Fighter is clearly ready to throw down. Jason who?

But in the end, the film that without BTS’ rage never would’ve taken the floor shocked the world and won it all:

bts said...
boo yeah.
i love M/M with a heart of gold and leaves, but Left Behind is just too fucking powerful.

Speaking of rage. Mine couldn’t be stopped, leading to a frank discussion of taints:

Sherpa said...
Woooahhh there. Easy, trigger. The rage is full force! Good thing I went to bed before you.

By the way, if Carlos Mencia isn't worthy of licking Carrot Top's taint, who is? I mean, what poor bastard has that job? Especially having to do it while Carrot Top is bench pressing...his muscles are scary.

At 11:40 PM, Anonymous said...
Only Mindfreak is worthy.

At 8:35 AM, sherpa said...
There is NOOOOOOO reality!!

Perhaps the greatest thing about GIK’s first year is that even when I wasn’t talking about Grieco, others were keeping the people informed:

bts said...
whilst visiting Michigan one sunny coolish day a few months ago I happened to purchase a film, put out by the Lifetime Television concern, titled " She's Too Young". if at all possible, seek out this film and watch it. make it. it will feel very fine.

At 11:55 AM, Diana said...
Have you seen the one where a very bloated Grieco rapes a girl, then they get married because she doesn't know he's the one that raped her and knocked her up, and they have kids and he's all great then he loses his mind and starts beating her, then she tries to leave him, so he beats her some more? I saw this gem on lifetime network when I was 13, before I began avoiding lifetime like the plague.


Now for a commercial break, here are some of Anonymous’s highlights. Is he a coward for hiding his name? Perhaps. Is he actually Grieco? Goddamn I hope so:

Anonymous said...
My cousin gave himself Trapped in the Closet for Christmas. He hasn't been the same since.


Anonymous said... (In defense of Gymkata)
"Kane" doesn't even have a town of crazies. Or Olympic gymnasts. Speaking of which, if Grieco were to medal in one winter Olympic sport, which one would it be?

Anonymous said...
Why hasn't anyone mentioned Young Sherlock Holmes? I mean, there's a Coptic death cult in it.

As GIK learned to chew solid foods, I was reminded of why the lovely Sherpa is so lovely:

(In response to The Craft)
Sherpa said...
The end of the film. The scene opens in the looney bin. Nancy is tied to a bed in a padded room...

Nancy: I'm FLYING! FLYING! (crazy laugh/crying) *sniff* Ha HA! Flying!!

Oh, fuck me. Seriously, where did they get their research from?? They had only one of the proper ritual items when they "Called the Corners" (a practice which is also made up--it's usually called a Magick Circle--not a square). They had their athames (pronounced A-tha-mays), which are ceremonial daggers used to represent the male figure, but they didn't have a cauldron, a broom, a wand, and completely omitted the chalice, which is used to represent the female aspect in spells. Aren't those girls supposed to be all "Grrrl Power" and shit? Where yo chalice at, bitch? And athames aren't supposed to be used as actual weapons, Fairuza. They're symbolic, duh! Stop trying to stab everyone, yo.

Finally, the fact that there is no mention of a "goddess" deity. This "spirit" the girls try to "invoke" is named "Manaw" and is male. Who the fuck is Manaw?! There ain't no such thing!!

Ahem...sorry.

Work came and went and GIK, old enough to be left alone at 11 months, had to fend for itself for a while. But even after a year, weened from the milk of its mother’s teet, GIK is still going. More importantly, it’s still warranting talk of panties:

bts said...
i am going to be in Hollywood in December, so could you leave me like a trail of skittles to celebrity panty drawers?

At 5:18 AM, the ghost of gene siskel said...
haven't you heard? shocktarts are in. panties, out. panty drawers, however, still in.

Without you folks I would just be a crazed man ranting about bad movies while wearing his pajamas. With you, I’m that, but with like five or six readers. As my grandfather used to say, “I thank you, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you, and my Grieco thanks you.” OK, he didn’t say the Grieco thing, but if he were here I think he’d be cool with it.

Happy fucking birthday GIK!

One Year

This weekend, GIK celebrated it's first birthday. Yep, Grieco has been filling our hearts and minds for a year. I totally thought this was going to last like a month at the most. I'm planning a big birthday bash, but with the holidays coming things are kind of crazy, so we'll throw down next week when everybody is back from their travels and turkey and whatnot. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'd like to thank everyone who has kept this going for the last year. Our numbers may be small, but they are Grieco-worthy. Have a great holiday, and in the mean time, take a look back at where it all began:

And God Said, Let there be Grieco!

In 2000, I left the warm flatlands of Texas and headed north to the lake-effect-snow-covered streets of Chicago. From the moment I got there, I struggled to adjust to a city where phrases like “at least it’s above zero” and “you think this is cold? Wait ‘till February. That’s freakin’ cold” are thrown around on a regular basis. I also had trouble finding a job. That is until I saw a want-ad for telephone psychics in the paper. I can’t really describe what it was like to work for “Miss Cleo” here, because until you’ve sat in your living room and talked on the phone to a woman claiming that famed newsman Mike Wallace was dressing up in various disguises and following her around the Washington D.C. area trying to work up the courage to profess his undying love for her, you can’t really understand the job. I will say that I faced a moral dilemma (what with the giving people advice who clearly needed therapy) and a thanks mom and dad for spending thousands and thousands of dollars on my college education I’m a telephone psychic now dilemma on a daily basis. Eventually, my conscience caused me to quit, but I had lived the dream of working from home and I would never be the same.

After selling stuffed bunnies door-to-door and signing people up for speed-dating classes, I came to my senses and moved back to a warmer climate. I then worked incredibly hard to find a job that wouldn’t require me to work incredibly hard. It panned out, and I am working from home again. I don’t have the philosophical issues that I had with the psychic gig, but I do have the free time. I use that free time to watch bad movies. Many, many bad movies. Now, I’m no film critic, so I can’t get into Dutch angles or anything exciting like that. I am just a lazy man who loves watching the works of Grieco, Lundgren, and anything the Lifetime Channel has to offer; and I want to pass what I learn onto you. I make no guarantees, but I promise that I will do my best to steer you in the right direction, because I know all too well that it is a fine line between “so funny it’s good” and Battlefield Earth. I mean, look at their hands. Come on! It’s like they stole them from some kids who were getting ready to take the stage in a 3rd grade production of Beauty and the Beast. Sorry about that. I lost focus. Now, let's get serious about Grieco.

Die Die Die
The most amazing thing about this movie is that I watched it with three of my friends, and as soon as it ended none of us could remember anything about it. We were pretty sure that there was a nightclub of some sort, and one of us was almost positive that somebody did actually die. However, after eating a chicken sandwich, my senses returned and I remembered that it stars a bloated Richard Grieco (I'm sure the weight gain was for the role) and Greg Evigan (the other dad from My Two Dads). Grieco, sporting the chepaest hair plugs money can buy, plays bad guy Frank, a man who thought he had successfully doublecrossed his woman and left her for dead. Oh Grieco, will you never learn? His woman returns, and a wicked game of cat and mouse (read: gratuitous stripping and holding guns sideways) ensues, and people keep talking about some heist money. "Where's the heist money? I want the heist money," they keep saying. After a retreat to a secluded cabin and an 82-minute run time that seems like an eternity, Grieco has a death scene that leads me to believe he will play Hamlet at a dinner theatre in Winnipeg some day, and everything works out for his woman, Evigan, Sam, the raspy-voiced Judge, and Paul Reiser.

Normally, I would give a movie that is this boring a rating of 1-Grieco (see ratings chart), but I have a rule here at Grieco is King; if the actual Grieco is in the film, it automatically gets an extra Grieco and 1/2. That being said, I have to give Die Die Die 2 1/2-Griecos. Just make sure you share the experience with friends, because sometimes talking about Grieco is even more fun than watching Grieco.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Up and In in Beverly Hills

What up, y'all? I had to stay in LA for an extra week. I'm still here and hot on the trail of Grieco. I shall return next week to tell you about my newly found tan.

To Hollywood!

Hey y'all, I'm heading back to Hollywood for a spell. I shall return next week unless I meet Grieco and convince him to star in my new picture, Ghost on My Toast. It's a supernatural breakfast thriller for 'Tweens. It's gonna be awesome. Anyway, have a good week, and keep in mind that GIK will offically be one year old soon.


Drift to live.

The Twilight Tron

The lovely Sherpa stumbled upon a bold piece on the Sleuth network last night. I was surprised, because I thought Sleuth just ran reruns of “Colombo,” "Magnum P.I.,” and “Miami Vice” over and over again, which of course is totally awesome. However, on this All Hallows’ Eve, they busted out with some “horror.” And thank God they did.

Nightmares
Nightmares is broken up into different parts a la The Twilight Zone movie, Creepshow, and that piece of shit about the four rooms in the hotel that Sir Quentin Tarantino was involved with. I only caught parts two and three of Nightmares, but they were a full film’s worth of kickass.

Part two follows Emilio Estevez with vaguely blonde hair on his head, a rat tail running down his neck, and the world’s largest walkman strapped to his waist. Emilio is a videogame master, and he travels through parts of NJ and nyny hustling unsuspecting players. After running afoul of a Mexican videogame gang, Emilio heads back to his mall to take on a game that features an enigmatic computer generated figure called the Bishop of Battle. There are 13 levels of the game, but nobody has ever seen anyone get to the final level. There’s rumors about a guy in Jersey having done it, but let's face it, there are rumors about a lot of guys in Jersey having done a lot of things. Anyway, Emilio turns on his giant walkman and plays to the sounds of that godforsaken rock and roll. He plays like an addict, breaking into a sweat and treating his friends and family like shit along the way. He loses on level 12 and gets booted out of the arcade at closing time. That night, he breaks into the arcade, battles the Bishop, and makes it to the final level. This, of course, involves the enemies of the game entering the real world and battling Estevez in the mall. Just when you think he’s bested the last spaceship with his video gun, he runs into the Bishop of Battle, is swallowed up in the bright blue lines of early ‘80s graphics, and becomes trapped in the game. That’s a 3 ½-Grieco picture right there, y’all.

Part 3 stars Lance Henriksen (shit yeah) as a priest who has lost his faith. As he’s driving away from the small town of his parish he is run off the road by a big ole black pickup truck with tinted windows. After some Duel-type action, the truck just disappears…until it bursts forth from the fucking ground! Some more shit happens, we see an upside down crucifix hanging from the truck’s rearview, and we know Satan is at the wheel. This led the lovely Sherpa to launch into an original song entitled “Satan Drives a Pickup Truck,” which, believe me, is a lot better than most of the crap that passes for country music these days. Henriksen somehow bests the truck, discovers it was never really there, and returns to his parish with his faith restored. Again, that’s a 3 ½-Grieco picture.

I think Part 4 had something to do with a rat and I have no idea what Part 1 was all about, but I can only hope that they were as Grieco as parts 2 and 3. I hope everyone had as spooooky a Halloween as I.

(editor note: see BTS' second comment for proof that Grieco is still holding it down.)