I'd Hope to Tell Yeh

I tend to get sick more often than anyone should. It’s never a normal cold or anything, either. I always have a temperature of like 103 and I can’t lift up my head. The only good thing about this condition is that doctors tend to give me really good medicine like the clear cough syrup or pills that render me useless (yes, even more than normal) for three or four days. Anyway, here are some quick reviews of movies I have watched while under the weather and the influence of prescription pain medication. If you find yourself in a similar situation you might want to check them out.

(Note: Subtract 1-Grieco if your fever is not high enough to induce hallucinations. See ratings for explanation.)

They are Among Us: Parasite aliens feast on collagen to keep their skin looking young and fresh. Keep an eye out for the always-awesome Corbin Bernsen as a no-good plastic surgeon and Tron himself (Bruce Boxleitner) as a man trying to do what’s right for the human son and the alien wife he loves. Honestly, I wished I was watching Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live the whole time. (2-Griecos)

Krippendorf’s Tribe: Richard Dreyfuss plays an anthropologist who turns his family into a fake tribe for a documentary he films in his backyard. He finds fame, money, failure, redemption, the respect of his kids, and the love of Jenna Elfman along the way. Watched it twice in two days. Took me at least half-an-hour to figure this out. After the realization, I continued watching. (1 ½ -Griecos)

Joe Dirt: Spade in a road movie for a change. I like Spade and I like that cute blonde girl who played the elusive Eve on “Dawson’s Creek.” I’m sure this movie isn’t good, but at the time I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. (3 ½-Griecos)

Corky Romano: Watched this right after Joe Dirt. Kattan plays the son of a mob boss who wants to be a veterinarian. He goes “undercover” for the family and poses as an FBI agent…or something. I don’t know I was really in the thick of it when this one was on. I laughed. I cried. Seriously, I cried at effing Corky Romano. Man, I miss that doctor.
(2 ½-Griecos)

Gymkata: Can I say “our generation’s Citizen Kane?” Is that allowed? (4-Griecos)

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.