Original. Not Cool Ranch

I had a horrible dream last night. I was trapped in the body of a jetsetting seller of high-end watches and couture. I spent my days searching for the straightest pant leg in Manhattan and learning French phrases that I could drop to impress waitresses who desperately wanted to believe that I was somebody important.

After a loveless tryst with two Rockettes and a field hockey player, I lectured an ungrateful group of auction goers on the lost art of the half-Windsor. Eager to find more palatable company, I turned to the mirror. There, I saw a man who had to shake off the ethnic name his father had given him in order to achieve true greatness. Settling on Dash Stanforth or Greg Frostbottom, I headed into a bar where I waxed philosophical on my unrivaled ability to smoke fine cigars to a collection of Crantini-sipping socialites. Soon after, I found myself alone in my oversized apartment with only my shoehorns and my inheritance to keep me company. Filled with something akin to human emotion I stumbled into my wood-paneled, candle-lit closet. Slowly, as I scanned the racks and racks and racks of clothing, I began to weep. For you see winter was coming, and I had left my Hermes scarf at a bordello in Prague.

When I woke up from this dream I felt dirty and confused. I mean, I though all pants had straight legs. Not to mention that the idea of living in New York even in a dream makes me want to chop off my right hand. Stupid Jeter. In order to shake off the nightmare I did what any normal person would do. I grabbed a bag of Doritos, laid down on the couch, and watched Leprechaun.

Leprechaun
I can only assume that the majority of you have seen this gem of a horror/dwarfploitation film, so I will keep it brief.

After a prologue that explains how the leprechaun’s gold was stolen and ended up in a country home in America and how the leprechaun was kept at bay in a crate with a four-leaf clover on top of it, we catch up with our main character, Tori (Jennifer Aniston), and her father who are moving into the house where the leprechaun slumbers. As soon as Aniston came onto the screen wearing high-waisted shorts and a nose that I’m sure is foreign to the kids down at the Central Perk, I called out to her (as people are want to do at horror movies), “Run Jen! Get out now! All that awaits you is heartbreak at the hands of an orphan-wielding home wrecker!” Alas, my words did not reach her, because she marched forward to meet a handsome local, a child, and the fat guy from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Teen Wolf giving the best “I’m mildly retarded and awestruck by the world around me, so don’t you just want me to live at all costs” performance since Ernie Hudson in The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. As the three (looker, kid, wide-eyed innocent) work on Aniston’s and her dad’s new home, the gold is found, the clover is removed, and the leprechaun is freed. What follows is a succession of scenes in which little person all star, Warwick Davis, runs around in fierce makeup and a Halloween costume from Costco yelling, “I wants me gold” in a leprechaun accent. Just so you know, a leprechaun accent is a combination of high-pitched pirate and British with just a bit of Standard American thrown in. After the leprechaun drives around in a little electric car, rips people’s body parts off, and wreaks general havoc, he is stopped by our gang of reluctant heroes. As the sun rises (literally and metaphorically), Aniston realizes that she can find love and happiness in this new small town and everyone is happy. At least until that tramp with the pouty lips and formidable chest shows up and starts strutting her stuff around. I mean, look at her. Is that anyway to behave? Whore.

Leprechaun is entertaining and I believe a must-see for anyone who loves bad movies. Warwick Davis works hard and makes me long for a Willow sequel. Still, this original installment is no match for Leprechaun in the Hood or that one where the leprechaun goes back to the hood, so I give it 3-Griecos (see ratings). Watch it, enjoy it, and remember that its tiny star has appeared in Star Wars movies, Harry Potter movies, and he’s even gotten to work with Kilmer, so he’s basically living my dream. I know, I know. At least I’m 5’5”.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.