Man-oh-Man it's Manticore

Slap my ass and call me Grieco, Manticore is the most ridiculous film I’ve seen since my mom dragged me to Sweet Home Alabama. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth watching though.

This made-for-Sci-Fi-Channel movie starts out as a hit-you-over-the-head political statement about the current war in Iraq. The story follows a group of American GIs including the requisite Sergeant who is torn between doing what’s right and following orders, a fast talkin’ southerner played by a guy who will play Bill Paxton in the as yet un-produced Paxton: A Life, and a badass woman soldier who is better than the boys at everything. Even Lawn Mower Man Jeff Fahey shows up as a bitter Major who doesn’t have the line “War is Hell” but seems to say it with every subtle lift of his eyebrows. After 20 minutes of hearing our men and women in uniform kick around dialogue like “are we liberators or an imperialist power sent to crush their religion?” we finally get down to business. You see, it turns out that Iraq does have a Weapon of Mass Destruction…and it’s an f’in manticore. That’s right, the mythical winged lion/man/scorpion beast has been invoked and he is not pleased. As soon as old Manti shows up, the streets start to run with blood. This one dude gets cut in half, this other guy has some sort of talon pierce his eye, and various extras lose their innards. All is filmed in that Private Ryan Normandy Beach style. You know, the “sure I’m a billionaire who bagged Kate Capshaw after I directed her in Temple of Doom and I’m responsible for most of the biggest movies of all time, but I can still keep it real” style? Anyway, our heroes are tracking a missing embedded “GNN” reporter named Ashley Pierce, and with the help of a young Iraqi who I’m pretty sure muttered “They mostly come out at night. Mostly,” they find her in the very place where the manticore dwells. Some back-story about Sacred Twins and a guy who claims he’s the rightful King of Babylon comes out, but don’t worry about it. The GIs find Manti and they start firing on him. Oh America, when will you learn that your bullets are no match for an ancient creature bent on purging the Earth of this plague called Man? After a Stealth Bomber fails to destroy the manticore, main characters start dropping like flies, each with a more dramatic death than the last. We are then left with the sergeant, the army lady, and the kid. Just when you think all is lost, the plucky threesome uses information gleaned from an old legend to determine that the only way to bring down the manticore is with an oversized mirror, a digital video camera, and a sledge hammer. I’ll give that to you one more time in case you missed it. The only way to bring down the manticore is with an oversized mirror, a digital video camera, and a sledgehammer. Sadly, this bush-league trick pans out and the monster of lore is slain. With allusions to a possible sequel hanging in the air, Hicks, Ripley, and Newt walk off triumphantly into the desert.

After recovering from the whole ordeal with a tall glass of Thera Flu, I decided to give Manticore 2 ½ -Griecos (see ratings). While the manticore itself looks like it was stolen from season two of “Land of the Lost” and the sets were clearly lifted from the producer’s kid’s Aladdin-themed backyard birthday extravaganza, the gore is pretty good. Also, the director’s name is Tripp Reed and that has to be worth at least ½-Grieco.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.