Grieco: The Thinking Man's Depp

Sorry about the delay on this. We had a fraction of an inch of sleet, the power went out, the whole town shut down, and all hell broke loose. Things are under control now, though.

If you’re like me, “21 Jump Street” taught you exactly what it is like to be an attractive young cop who goes undercover at a high school in order to bring down a seemingly endless supply of pushers, thugs, and rapists. Just remember, if you wear a ‘do-rag and a vacant stare, the other kids won’t catch on no matter how many dudes you haul off in cuffs.

“21 Jump Street” starred a group of up-and-comers including that girl who eventually married NFL journeyman quarterback Rodney Peete, one of the 47 DeLuise brothers, and Johnny Depp. Things were great on the show, but it didn’t really get sexy until Grieco came on board in season three as Booker, a cop with an attitude and the eyebrows to match. He was a loose cannon who played by his own rules. Yeah that’s right; he didn’t take guff from nobody. Grieco’s streetwise Booker was the perfect foil for Depp’s pretty boy, and together they were unstoppable.

After “Jump Street” and the spin-off “Booker,” we all believed Grieco was destined for Hollywood greatness. Sure, there was Mobsters and the incomparable If Looks Could Kill, but after that Grieco slowly faded into obscurity as Depp inexplicably became a box office draw and critics’ darling. Depp worked with Tim Burton and bedded A-List starlets, while Grieco took roles in movies that only I have seen and fixed his eye on Louise, that nice waitress down at the Stuckey’s. My question is this; what’s up Depp? You can’t throw Grieco a bone? I mean Hanks put Scolari in That Thing You Do and that godforsaken Polar Express. You can’t do the same? I bet you’re just worried that if you share the screen with Grieco you will be exposed as the sham you truly are and he will walk off with the Academy Award you so desperately covet. Listen Johnny, I know the portrait of you that hangs in your closet has become scarred and grotesque with the weight of your sins while you remain ageless and get better looking each year even as the French sink their claws in and convince you that it’s ok to show up on the red carpet in those hats, frilly shirts, and neckerchiefs you seem to fancy so much. Your perfect bone structure and haunting, fragile eyes don’t fool me, Johnny. You, sir, are a usurper of the thrown, and when the noble Richard returns to reclaim the fame and glory that is rightfully his, he will show you clemency. For Grieco is an honorable man. Then, and only then, will you come to realize that no matter how many Golden Globes you win, no matter how many European supermodels you have beautiful children with, and no matter how many millions of people line up to watch you prance around in whatever remake of a Disney ride you’re starring in this week, Grieco is King. He has shaken off his role as the true leader of men to answer life’s greater questions, but he shall soon return to lead us all into a glorious future.

Um…Johnny, if it turns out that I’ve just been watching LOTR way too much and all that stuff doesn’t happen, couldn’t you just make Grieco Pirate #3 or something? Come on, who’s that going to hurt?