Grieco is the Word, the Word that You Heard

Here is a list of some words and phrases that have appeared or will most likely appear on GIK at some point. I have taken the liberty of translating them from Grieco into the common tongue. I plan on updating the list regularly, so if you have any terms you would like to add please let me know.

Grieco: Short for Richard Grieco, Grand Pooh-Bah of bad movies. Grieco starred in "21 Jumpstreet" and followed it with the misunderstood spin-off, "Booker." After the brilliant but underappreciated If Looks Could Kill, Grieco went on to perform in such hits as Die, Die, Die and The Apostate. Can also be used in the same way as “Smurf.”

Example: Dude, did you see that Grieco last night? Totally, f’in Grieco.

Take a Turn for the Costner: The moment at which a film becomes incredibly boring.

Example: Man, The English Patient really took a turn for the Costner after the opening credits.

Pull a Shyamalan: To add a twist to a film that, for all intents and purposes, renders the rest of the film obsolete. Can also be used to describe real-life situations.

Example 1: That nonsense was forgivable in The Sixth Sense, but when he pulled a Shyamalan in The Village I wanted to feast upon the flesh of that all is good and holy.

Example 2: Anne Heche really pulled a Shyamalan when she married that guy…and she speaks a made up alien language.

LDP: Lou Diamond Phillips. Some (myself) have dubbed him the Latin Grieco. Star of such greats as Young Guns, Young Guns II: Gun Harder, La Bamba, and The First Power. Has now been forced to chase poorly computer-generated bats in the cleverly titled Bats, take a bit role on pal Kiefer Sutherland’s "24," and star in stuff made for the Sci-Fi channel. Still, he’s doing better than me and Casey Siemaszko, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to trash the guy who delivered the “sacred hoop” monologue.

Dako Fa-Fa: Short for Dakota Fanning, the wide-eyed sprite who will surely destroy us all.

Chicago: A cold, desolate place where all is pain and despair. Also home to the Cubs, greatest team on Earth. This is their year. I got a good feeling. Don’t ask me why, but I do. This is it. For real. Damn Marlins.

The GIK Ratings System

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House on." Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

There Can be Only One (and a few sequels and a TV show)

Seriously, Thanksgiving destroyed me. Everything I ate was beige. However, while fighting through my turkey coma I managed to work in a viewing of a film that many consider to be a true masterpiece.

Highlander
Now, before devotees to the Clan MacLeod demand that my head be removed in single combat for even suggesting that Highlander is a bad movie, just calm down. I love this movie. I own this movie. But even we fans must step back and look at things objectively from time to time. First of all, you have a story that is centered around a Scotsman, yet the one true Scot in the film (Sean Connery) is wearing the same pancake makeup I wore in my 9th grade production of Thorton Wilder's The Matchmaker (yes, I'm that cool) and playing a Spaniard; sans the flair befitting a true sword-wielding Spaniard, I might add. Furthermore, there are plot holes in this movie that would make M. Night Shyamalan blush. I mean, what's with that guy? Can't he just write a damn movie with an ending that doesn't mak me feel like everything I watched for the last two hours was a complete waste of time? Sorry. Back to the question at hand. While the FX in Highlander were dated even 10 years before it came out and many of the acting choices are suspect at best, this movie is still pretty kickass. The Queen song and music are not Flash Gordon-awesome, but they will transport you back to a time when keyboards still meant something and frontmen knew how to strut. I also have to say that everything Christopher Lambert does in this movie is inspired. His where-the-hell-is-that-guy-from accent, the ill-fitting trenchcoat, his unfortunate hair; you just can't beat it.

In the end, I have no choice but to give Highlander 4-Griecos (see ratings). Making it GIK's first 4-Grieco film, and establishing it as one of the few movies that manages to achieve perfection without any help from Grieco himself. Now, don't get me started on Highlander 2: The Quickening or that one where Mario Van Peebles shows up. Mario Van Peebles? Really? What, was Baio unavailable?

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Has Anybody Seen This Movie?

I need help. I have this movie running through my mind, but I’m not sure if it’s real or if it came to me in a dream. Reese Witherspoon, playing a plucky young go-getter who harbors a sharp and witty intellect beneath her cute-as-a-button exterior, must bake and sell cookies in order to raise enough money to save the local orphanage. She quickly encounters problems when those big-business types on Merchants' Row scowl at her blind idealism and matching sweater sets. Meanwhile, Reese’s sister, played by either Julia Stiles or a mannequin, is a clairvoyant who foresees that the only way she’ll ever be truly happy is if she pulls off one last heist. Soon, Reese and her sister realize that their destinies are intrinsically linked, so they team up with a rag-tag group of ne’er-do-wells including a cocksure, dimwitted explosives expert (Owen Wilson); a slightly overweight novelist/driving instructor (Paul Giamatti); and Mos Def. Together, the group robs a bank, saves the orphanage, and brings balance to the Force only to realize that they’ve been dead all along and that the quasi-Elizabethan village they thought they lived in is actually just a suburb of Philadelphia.

I’m going away for Thanksgiving and I hope to have all of this sorted out before I get back on Monday, but if anyone knows the title I would love to hear it.

Dragons, Bro. Dragons

Before I get started, I would like to thank Aspen for setting all of this up for me, as I am still baffled by this newfangled technology. Now, let’s get down to Grieco…or at least let’s try to make him proud.

When I lived in Chicago, I spent about three weeks working at this horrible adult education center where middle-aged people could learn how to improve their lovemaking and Flamenco dancing. Please don’t think that I feel as though there is something inherently wrong with adults trying to educate themselves. In fact, if I could ever get off my ass I’d really like to learn Italian; what with it being the language of my people and all. What made the place in Chicago horrible wasn’t what it was used for. Rather, it was the fact that the entire building reeked of mildew and rat droppings, the décor smacked of the Jimmy Carter era, and my boss was this guy in his late 40s who traveled the country dueling in role-playing card game tournaments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as concerned about my warrior’s HP as the next guy, but I’m not pushing 50 and I don’t wear a leather beret/vest combo while doing it. Anyway, I could have let his pastime and his penchant for Kool Moe Dee-esque headwear slide if he wasn’t such a dick.

The only good thing about the center was that there was a small television in the 4’x 8’ glass-shielded room where I worked. We were supposed to use it to show videos that covered topics like “how to meet the perfect mate” and “how to go camping,” but we usually just watched regular TV. One night, the girl I worked with brought in a copy of Reign of Fire, which I totally loved. How can you not love a post-apocalyptic dragon piece? And that Christian Bale has such a fine head of hair. But the whole time I was watching, I was thinking, where can I find a movie like this that was made for far less money, has much crappier FX, and doesn’t star anyone that anyone anywhere has ever heard of? Years later, while I was searching for chicken pot pie at my local grocery store, my prayers were answered.

Darkest Knight
I bought the Darkest Knight DVD for under $4.00. It was in a bin with eight movies that had eight alternate spellings of “Aladdin” in their titles and every film that features Casper Van Dien in a leading role. Darkest Knight is a bold retelling of the Ivanhoe story, which I know you all have been waiting for, for a long, long time. The first two minute are awesome. This “CGI” ghost-skeleton-demon popped out and I was fairly sure it was the same Evil I had once battled in the Colecovision Smurfs game. In fact, the FX throughout are simply amazing. The slimy man-beast with the big teeth and the terrifying illusion that guards the ancient Druid magician’s chambers are my personal favorites. Unfortunately, after the opening, things take a turn for the Costner. Ivanhoe seeks to reconcile with his father, denounce Prince John, and restore the Lionheart to the throne, while occasionally flirting with this redheaded witch who seems to have picked up some kung fu on the side. Here’s the deal; I bought this movie because it had pictures of dragons and the phrase “when dragons ruled the skies” on the cover, right? Not a single dragon showed up until 1 hour and 20 minutes in, and it didn’t even fully materialize. Then, everything gets wrapped up, but everything is left open, and I realize I’m not really watching a movie, I’m watching the pilot for a TV show that may or may not actually exist. Now, this movie/show/Xena ripoff minus the camp and homoerotic undertones did teach me that if you are in England you can take your cast from any street fair and you’ll get better performances than you would from most of America’s highest paid actors. However, that is not enough to make up for the no real dragon footage thing. That being said, I give Darkest Knight a rating of 2-Griecos (see ratings). Fast-forward to the FX shots and any scenes that feature Wormtongue, Snape, Richard III, or whatever the hell the evil necromancer’s name is and you’ll be entertained.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

And God Said, "Let There be Grieco!"

In 2000, I left the warm flatlands of Texas and headed north to the lake-effect-snow-covered streets of Chicago. From the moment I got there, I struggled to adjust to a city where phrases like “at least it’s above zero” and “you think this is cold? Wait ‘till February. That’s freakin’ cold” are thrown around on a regular basis. I also had trouble finding a job. That is until I saw a want-ad for telephone psychics in the paper. I can’t really describe what it was like to work for “Miss Cleo” here, because until you’ve sat in your living room and talked on the phone to a woman claiming that famed newsman Mike Wallace was dressing up in various disguises and following her around the Washington D.C. area trying to work up the courage to profess his undying love for her, you can’t really understand the job. I will say that I faced a moral dilemma (what with the giving people advice who clearly needed therapy) and a thanks mom and dad for spending thousands and thousands of dollars on my college education I’m a telephone psychic now dilemma on a daily basis. Eventually, my conscience caused me to quit, but I had lived the dream of working from home and I would never be the same.

After selling stuffed bunnies door-to-door and signing people up for speed-dating classes, I came to my senses and moved back to a warmer climate. I then worked incredibly hard to find a job that wouldn’t require me to work incredibly hard. It panned out, and I am working from home again. I don’t have the philosophical issues that I had with the psychic gig, but I do have the free time. I use that free time to watch bad movies. Many, many bad movies. Now, I’m no film critic, so I can’t get into Dutch angles or anything exciting like that. I am just a lazy man who loves watching the works of Grieco, Lundgren, and anything the Lifetime Channel has to offer; and I want to pass what I learn onto you. I make no guarantees, but I promise that I will do my best to steer you in the right direction, because I know all too well that it is a fine line between “so funny it’s good” and Battlefield Earth. I mean, look at their hands. Come on! It’s like they stole them from some kids who were getting ready to take the stage in a 3rd grade production of Beauty and the Beast. Sorry about that. I lost focus. Now, let's get serious about Grieco.

Die Die Die
The most amazing thing about this movie is that I watched it with three of my friends, and as soon as it ended none of us could remember anything about it. We were pretty sure that there was a nightclub of some sort, and one of us was almost positive that somebody did actually die. However, after eating a chicken sandwich, my senses returned and I remembered that it stars a bloated Richard Grieco (I'm sure the weight gain was for the role) and Greg Evigan (the other dad from My Two Dads). Grieco, sporting the chepaest hair plugs money can buy, plays bad guy Frank, a man who thought he had successfully doublecrossed his woman and left her for dead. Oh Grieco, will you never learn? His woman returns, and a wicked game of cat and mouse (read: gratuitous stripping and holding guns sideways) ensues, and people keep talking about some heist money. "Where's the heist money? I want the heist money," they keep saying. After a retreat to a secluded cabin and an 82-minute run time that seems like an eternity, Grieco has a death scene that leads me to believe he will play Hamlet at a dinner theatre in Winnipeg some day, and everything works out for his woman, Evigan, Sam, the raspy-voiced Judge, and Paul Reiser.

Normally, I would give a movie that is this boring a rating of 1-Grieco (see ratings chart), but I have a rule here at Grieco is King; if the actual Grieco is in the film, it automatically gets an extra Grieco and 1/2. That being said, I have to give Die Die Die 2 1/2-Griecos. Just make sure you share the experience with friends, because sometimes talking about Grieco is even more fun than watching Grieco.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.