Grieco is King: Year 3: August 2006

Hey y’all, it’s been far too long since Grieco has brought us together. I’m still dealing with work and travel, but there are moments in a man’s life when he must set aside such foolish pursuits and focus on what’s important. Today is such a moment, for I have something to share with you. I think that last night I saw the greatest piece of cinema ever. Nay! The greatest piece of anything ever.

Snakes on a Plane
(This review is brought to you by Red Bull. Red Bull; when you’re tired of being a pussy.)

We open on the lush landscape of one of the Hawaiian Islands (I don’t think they tell us which one). A motocross type flies by on his bike as the sun and tropical fruit highlight his bone structure and his can of Red Bull. Everything’s great until a man (the biker’s dad) falls, suspended from a tree and tells his son to hide. Then, a Hawaiian-Yakuza-dude (yes, the fucking Yakuza is everywhere) shows up and beats the dad to death with a bat and then has a quick one-liner whilst covered in the dead man’s blood. The biker kid speeds off, and the Yakuza guy decrees that the boy (a Chad Michael Haircut type but less offensive) must die. The kid hides out in his room surrounded by cases of Red Bull stacked almost ceiling-high and worries for his life. His worry isn’t unfounded as some Yakuzaish dudes show up at his pad ready to kill, but before they can, Samuel L. Jackson busts in, fires off some rounds, and gets away with the kid. He takes him downtown where a can of Red Bull is neatly displayed in an evidence bag (I shit you not). As the kid (I have no idea what his character’s name is) thinks about his situation he utters the Pinteresque line, “Last week I was planning a surfing trip to Bali,” and the crowd erupts. SLJ convinces the kid to testify back in Los Angeles, and the movie really starts.

The Yakuza folk have sprayed all of the passengers leis with a pheromone that apparently turns snakes into indiscriminate killing machines with a blood lust that cannot be quenched or slaked or sated or whatever it is you try to do with blood lust. But before the mighty reptiles emerge we get a chance to meet the cast of characters: a flight attendant who is one day away from becoming a lawyer (played by a somewhat confused Juliana Margulies); a Paris Hilton type with a dog in her purse; a germophobic rapper named 3 Gs; a chick with a baby; a Brit who actually has the line “Fucking Americans;” some honeymooners; and Keenan of Good Burger and SNL fame.

All right, here we go. Two attractive young people are going mile-high in the lavatory when Boom! Snake on a tit! Yeah, you know it. Then Bam! Snake on a dick! Man, that smarts. From there, it’s pure chaos and flippant dialogue. We get snakes on a boosh, snakes in an ocular cavity, and everything in between. There’s pus, blood, vomiting (Gratuitous? Maybe. Awesome? Indeed.) Oh, the lovely Sherpa would like me to point out that none of the CGI snakes even closely resembles anything that would actually be found in nature. While I’m not near the bio-nerd that she is, I was surprised by the excessive use of bright blue and devil horns. Anyway, the pilots die; SLJ, Queequeg in nature, harpoons a snake; some shit gets burned; the rapper pulls a gun; love blossoms all around; and some truly awesome deaths and equally awesome lines occur at a sidewinder’s pace (sorry). There’s some shit going down on the ground with a scientist that I really wanted to be Jeff Goldblum, but that subplot is totally unimportant. Eventually, Keenan (who’s a Playstation flight simulator addict by the way) takes the stick and lands that bird in LA, and the crowd goes batshit crazy. SLP and Margulies plan a date, the biker kid (remember him?) takes a snake and two slugs in the bullet-proof vest, and he and SLJ go surfing together. Seriously, they go surfing. Cue music video. Now, I wanted the video to be for a rap that 3 Gs wrote in order to cope with his whole snakes on a plane ordeal, but instead it was a video for the righteous theme song from the movie.

Nothing I say will do Snakes on a Plane Justice. It makes Anaconda look like Anaconda 2: Search for the Blood Orchid. If the folks behind Boa vs. Anaconda over at SciFi saw it, they would simultaneously weep and masturbate. I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about SLJ. He’s the Jim McMahon of film. I have to make it to Hollywood in time to write Snakes on a Plane 3: Tokyo Drift. I just have to. So here it is. I’m giving the movie 5-Griecos. That’s right, my friends, I’m creating a new GIK rating just for Snakes on a Plane. 4-Griecos can’t hold this picture; it’s just too damn big for that. Go see it at a theater where you can eat, drink, and yell things at the screen. It will make it even better. And drink some Red Bull, or you might not have the energy to make it through.

Visit this guy’s MySpace page to hear the aforementioned righteous theme song, and visit Moron.NL to get the lyrics for said song.

I miss you like Grieco misses Holly Robinson Peete, but I’ll return in full force on September 5th.

Keep it effing snakes, y’all!

It's clear that Grieco has struggled of late.

I haven't been able to overcome the issues of work, and therefore I haven't been able to watch any movies. That's why at this time I'm declaring it GIK summer vacation. I have some trips coming up, and I still have to deal with the Man on a regular basis. For the next month, GIK entries will be few and far between, but I swear that after August I shall throw off the shackles of tyranny and quit one of the three jobs that I'm currently working, restoring GIK to its rightful place atop my priority list. Do not, dear friends, forsake me in this time of peril, for together we can return to those glorious days of yore when four posts per week were commonplace and my DVR was filled with Olsen Twin movies and everything the SciFi channel had to offer. These dark times shall pass, and Grieco shall reign once more.

Look to the East.

Drift to live.