Ain't You Seen My Movies?

I mentioned in an earlier post that my mom loves movies and will pretty much see anything. Well, my parents were in town this weekend and for some reason my mom really wanted to check out Freedomland. I didn’t know much about the movie, but I thought it might be alright. After all, Julianne Moore is in it, and she’s one of my favorite actresses. She’s also super hot. Needless to say, things didn’t pan out. In fact, Freedomland is so bad that I am breaking with tradition and reviewing a movie that is actually out in theaters.

Freedomland
At what point did people start talking about Samuel L. Jackson like he is a good actor? I mean, I guess he was solid in Pulp Fiction if sporting a mean 'fro and spouting witty diologue real fast constitutes a performance. Anyway, let’s never speak of that movie again for fear that every girl I went to college with will suddenly get up en masse and start dancing to that damn “Son of a Preacher Man." Samuel L. is just plain terrible. That’s all there is to it, y'all. He seems like a cool guy and he can clearly kick my ass, but that does not make him talented. Seriously, I cheered when Mace Windu got killed, and I’m one of those dorks who always roots for the good guys. In Freedomland, Jackson's random “asthma” attacks are some of the most ridiculous scenes you will ever see. My girlfriend, who has asthma, actually busted out laughing at them so hard she started wheezing. He also wears these break-away eye glasses that are the most off-putting prop since Julia Stiles in The Bourne Identity. Unfortunately, Julianne Moore isn’t much better than Jackson in this piece. I don’t know what went wrong, but her cheap wig, bad New Jersey accent, and all-over-the-place performance are reflections of the film as a whole. It’s as though the director tried to make eight different movies and they all suck. Edie Falco does decent work, but I think if you watch closely you can see her cringe every time Moore opens her mouth. I mean, Falco knows what Jersey is about. She’s into Jovi. The obscure stuff, too. Not just the hits.

I’m giving Freedomland 1-Grieco (see ratings), but if it makes your mom happy you should go see it with her anyway.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.