The Gospel According to Grieco

Hold onto your hats. It’s about to get Grieco in here.

Book of Days
Book of Days opens with Wil Wheaton’s character, Danny Heartland (it’s so easy I’m just gonna let it go), marrying a girl who was left at an orphanage as a baby and raised by nuns. As they exit the wedding ceremony surrounded by said nuns, everyone is happy. Everyone, that is, except Isaac Hayes who lurks in the background looking like the lone wise black man in a group of naive white folks. In the limo, Wheaton’s wife says “I feel so alive,” and just like in Mothman Prophecies, you know they’re gonna get hit by a car. They do, and she dies, leaving Wheaton a widower on his wedding day. (note: Something similar like this occurred once on an episode of “Melrose Place” resulting in the death of Sydney who was played by the lovely Laura Leighton. The show was never the same.) Anyway, Wheaton is devastated and he lets us know with several angry “it must be really great to be God” monologues. His best friend, a blonde girl who is cute in that I’ve-loved-you-forever-maybe-I-can-help-you-forget-your-dead-wife-and-move-on-with-your-life kind of way tries to comfort him. You see, Wheaton is broke and his ruthless insurance salesman boss won’t pay up on Wheaton’s wife’s life insurance policy. Luckily, Isaac Hayes shows up and delivers an ancient book complete with mysterious names and dates. Twenty-five minutes and a visit to a priest later, Wheaton and the blonde come to the conclusion that I and the other three people in the world who have actually seen this movie reached from the get-go; the book contains the names of all of those who are living and the days on which they will die. In order to meet his newly-imposed sales quotas and to stick it to his boss, Wheaton uses the book to sell life insurance policies to people who will die soon, ensuring that their families will be taken care of and that his boss will have to cut many large checks. Things go as planned for a while, but then Wheaton discovers that one of his nun friends is set to die, and he decides that maybe he should be saving people instead of, you know, selling them insurance. He keeps the nun from dying, and it looks like everything is going to be alright. But, no. God, it seems, works in mysterious or at least dickheadish ways. For every year of life Wheaton gives a person, he loses a year of his own. He blew ten just on the nun. Meanwhile, the recent deaths of Wheaton’s clients have pissed off and alerted his boss who quickly sells him out to the cops. Wheaton is charged for murder and put in jail. Things are looking grim. Then, at approximately 54 minutes into the movie, I realize there truly is a God, and Grieco enters. Now, I was hoping Grieco would take on the role of The Almighty or Satan, but instead he struts in as the sleaziest insurance lawyer you can possibly imagine. His hair is so long and greasy it made me proud to be Italian. He plays golf in the office, shoots his steely gaze at no one in particular, and utters lines like “Your honor, we’re dealing with a possible serial killer here,” and “God: the elusive savior.” As the movie devolves into some unholy fusion of my 3rd grade CCD (that’s Catholic Sunday school for all of you WASPS out there) and a John Grisham novel, Grieco keeps it together with his unflinching cool and whatever pills I’m sure he popped in his trailer. The trial goes on and on and on, and Isaac Hayes starts handing out life lessons to everyone. I should point out that Hayes (his character is called Jonah) had the book before Wheaton, and when it came time for him to sacrifice his life to save Wheaton’s wife he couldn’t do it, so he has to find some sort of redemption. Finally, after the blonde (remember her) gets jailed for being in contempt of court, Wheaton says he will produce the book if they let her go. The judge agrees and the book is brought in. They find Wheaton’s client who is next on the list to die, believing that if she stays alive it will prove that Wheaton is guilty. She is pregnant, and wouldn’t you know, she starts to faint or convulse or something in the court room. She dies on the way to the hospital, but not before she gives birth and gets Wheaton’s nun friend to promise she’ll take care of the baby. Hang on now, we’re almost there. Back in court, Wheaton is found not-guilty, Grieco is pissed, and for some strange reason the judge decrees that Wheaton and his asshole boss will deliver the book to the National Archives where it will remain untouched for 200 years. Before he leaves, Wheaton realizes he loves the cute blonde, and he, she, and the nun (thank God she got those extra 10 years) will all help raise the baby of the woman who died. At the last minute, Isaac Hayes says he will take the book in place of Wheaton. Wheaton has to let the book go because, according to Hayes, “you gotta think on life, boy.” We then see shots of Wheaton and the blonde’s wedding while a Wheaton voiceover explains that Hayes saved Wheaton’s life and the life of the evil boss by taking the book himself. I guess the plane to the Archives was gong to go down or something. I don’t know. I was so doped up on prescripts and plot holes by the end of this thing I lost all sense of what was going on. All I know is that everybody is happy because God loves us and we shouldn’t question His choices, because if we had His love, power, and responsibility we would just freak out or, at least, start some sort of insurance scam.

In my first post I stated that the presence of Grieco gives a movie a 1 ½ -Grieco boost. In this film, he gets “special appearance by” billing. To me this is merely stating the obvious, as every appearance by Grieco is a special one, but it gets the extra points nonetheless which brings the total to 3-Griecos (see ratings). I’m gonna give it to you straight, y’all. Not everyone is cut out for Book of Days, but those of you who are (I’m talking to you b.t.s.) will love it. It has actually inspired me to dedicate an entire week (in the future) to Christian propaganda movies. We’ll put God on trial with Mr. T and Corbin Bernsen in Judgment, we’ll attempt to crack the Omega Code with Casper van Dien, and we at GIK will finally tell all of you if, like Kirk Cameron, you’ll be Left Behind. Now, as they say in the Catholic Church, “be excellent to each other….and party on.” Or is it "everything you have ever done is an affront to God." I can never remember.

Oh, one more thing. The vice president totally shot a dude.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.