More Dragons, Bro. More Dragons

My brother hates the movie Dragonslayer. It came out almost 25 years ago when he was10 and he still brings it up, which I think is awesome. It’s not even a “that was a bad movie” kind of hate. Oh, no. He hates Dragonslayer like I hate Erin Brockovich. I mean come on! They gave that two-bit hooker with a heart of gold an Academy Award for saying “They’re called boobs, Ed.” I’m not making that up, that’s the line. “They’re called boobs, Ed.” That’s what gets you the statue and a date to the big dance these days. What’s next, Julia? You gonna slap on a fake nose, gain 30 lbs, and play a deaf mute who has to decide which one of her kids she’s going to let die? Wow. Sorry about that. It’s just that when I was younger I had this girlfriend who made me watch Pretty Woman like eight times and she would always complain about how I was more Hector Elizondo than Richard Gere. Which is true. And cool. But not what I wanted to hear as a 15 year old boy, and I have had trouble letting it go over the years. Anyway, back to the Grieco at hand. Since my brother never picked on me when we were growing up (except that time he wouldn’t get the 7-Up down from the top shelf of the refrigerator for me), I give you…Dragonslayer.

Dragonslayer
Peter MacNicol (Janosz from Ghostbusters II) plays a sorcerer’s apprentice whose master (Sir Ralph Richardson) is called upon to undertake a dragon quest by a boy who is clearly a young woman pretending to be a boy. After his mentor has a Kenobiesque death filled with honor and disappearing, MacNicol makes the quest his own. It turns out that the king of a somewhat distant land is using a lottery to choose virgin girls to sacrifice in order to appease the dragon, so unless the beast is killed young unspoiled females will continue to die needlessly. After an initial battle between MacNicol and the dragon, the monster is thought to be dead, causing the virgin girl dressed as a boy to start dressing as a girl again. The young sorcerer falls in love with her, which is understandable as she does have a kind of Nancy McKeon circa 1983 thing going on. Then, the dragon returns, so the girl prepares for the dragon lottery, but the daughter of the king sacrifices herself instead. MacNicol goes to battle once more and resurrects his mentor using water, fire, and an amulet that houses the deceased’s soul. The two fight the dragon, and after a much-prolonged duel MacNicol destroys the amulet, killing the dragon and his master in the process. The king swoops in and takes credit for the deed, while the young sorcerer and his love ride off together giggling and dreaming of their future television careers.

On the surface, Dragonslayer has everything you could want in a film. Generaissance costumes, fake Shakespeare speak, less-than-subtle statements about the economic bias of the military draft, and a weapon forged in the fires of lore. Ultimately, though, it’s just plain boring. The movie is way too long and it lacks the phrase “Lord of all horses,” which is unforgivable. I'm going to give it 2 ½-Griecos (see ratings). While I don’t hate this movie as much as my brother does, I would suggest you watch Krull instead. I mean fire steeds, a Cyclops, and the Glave? Now that’s something any sibling will love.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.