She's Runnin' a Little Bit Hot Tonight

I was lucky enough to hear Van Halen’s “Panama” on the radio last night. Just as Diamond Dave reached down between his legs to ease the seat back, I was transported to a time when jeans were tight-rolled and nothing was as it seemed. Visions of failed attempts to ask that girl Megan to slow dance to Foreigner’s “I’ve Been Waiting” came back to me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something big was going down on the playground at 3:00. Then another image came to me. Something so beautiful that I will never forget it; my friend Matt’s baby blue Haro with front and rear pegs and a rotor that let you spin those lightweight handlebars as you popped up on the back tire. I mean Ryan’s Mongoose was pretty cool, but man that Haro.

RAD
Rad works under the premise that the only way to truly shake off those small town blues is to get really good at BMX freestylin’, ignore your SATs, and compete against America’s top gymnast in a race on the death-defying Hell Track. And my friends, the premise works. Our young hero, Cru Jones, makes his way through a series of trials and tribulations involving Rocky’s wife, my favorite Martian (show not movie), Stamos’s woman on “Full House,” and gold medalist Bart Connor. In a classic American tale that was clearly filmed in Canada, Cru has to decide what is really important. Is it money? Fame? “Ass-Sliding” with Lori Loughlin? Or simply being rad? After a sexy slow-dance-on-bikes scene set to “Send Me an Angel” involving Cru and Loughlin’s masculine stunt double, we’re primed for the big race. As we wait for the fateful moment, Talia Shire as Cru’s mom yells and wrings her hands just like you knew she could and Big Business gets put in its place by good old fashioned stick-to-itiveness. With the support of his friends, family, and his newfound love Cru stares into the eyes of his enemies (Connor and twins who may or may not be Tomax and Xamot) and prepares to ride. In the end, Cru has to pull a bold back flip out of a Kix cereal bathtub thingy to win the race, save the town, earn his mother’s respect, get the girl, find a new friend in his former adversary, and wear his bandanna around his thigh with pride.

Rad totally gets 4-Griecos (see ratings). I know it seems like I’m just handing out 4-Griecos this week, but come on Rad is awesome. However, for some reason it is hard to find in the video stores these days, so if you do get a hold of Rad make a night out of it. Put on your old Hysteria ¾-sleeve shirt and a pair of Cavariccis, invite sweet little Megan over, lace up your Zodiacs, fire up the VCR, and enjoy!

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.