Zombie Rave

Sometimes when that hallowed orb Luna gives way to that sonofabitch the sun, I awake to the horrid sounds of the alarm clock. In my half-waking state, I imagine that I’m getting out of bed to go to work on the set of a live-action movie version of Galaga. Then, I realize that I work from home and that the alarm clock isn’t for me at all, so I quickly close my eyes and go back to sleep for another four hours. Eventually, when I do roll out of bed, the thoughts of video-game-based movies still linger in my head. Such was the case when I decided to watch House of the Dead.

House of the Dead
The movie is based on a first-person shooter of the same name. I have played it many times in the little movie theater arcade, and I really like it. There’s nothing quite like gripping a plastic machine gun in your hands and firing off rounds at zombies that keep popping up out of nowhere. Watching the movie is another story.

The film opens with one of those voiceover/still-shots introduction of the characters. Some might call this device Brechtian; others would say it’s the work of a talentless hack. Regardless, we meet a bunch of rich 20-somethings. One is a girl who used to date the main guy, but they broke up so he could focus on work and she could focus on her fencing. Seriously, that’s why they broke up. Anyway, there are some other fairly attractive folks and they all want to get to a rave on an island off of Washington or somewhere. They charter a boat captained by Jurgen Prochnow and his mate Clint Howard who clearly are the only ones who know how ridiculous this thing is. Prochnow smokes cigars while killing zombies like no one else, and Howard sports a hook-hand and bizarre vocal choices so you know he’s doing the work.

Cut to the rave. The main guy is already on the island and imbibes in alcohol with the other ravers. OK, as someone who spent a little time at raves (Kind Effect, y’all) I’m always offended by the way raves are depicted in movies like this. I mean where is the pasty emaciated kid who sucks on his pacifier that says “Daddy’s Little Girl” while desperately trying to score some Vitamin C or Vicodin to “kick the X back in?” (Note to young and old readers: X is what those of us who have reached or are about to reach 30 call E.)

Cut back to the ship. The others finally arrive at the rave, but nobody’s there. Nobody that is except for zombies! Eventually, they run into the main voiceover guy and learn what’s going on: Zombies rule the island. There’s then a sepia-toned flashback involving a mad Spaniard whose experiments led to his banishment from Spain and an unholy army of reanimated corpses. And yep, you guessed it; he’s still on the island after all of these centuries. As the zombies kill random C-listers, the main C-listers fight back. As they shoot the walking corpses, the film is intercut with scenes from the video game. I honestly have no idea what the desired effect of this is. It’s just baffling. Finally, the zombies are dead and the Spaniard reveals himself with blade in hand. Luckily, our skilled fencer (remember her?) finds a sword and battles it out in a Matrix-inspired bullet-time finale. Amidst the death of the already-dead, love blossoms and our couple gets back together, work and fencing practice be damned!

OK. I think this movie wanted to be Evil Dead II. The main kid even looks a little like a young Bruce Campbell, but believe me he’s no Bruce Campbell. The whole picture misses the boat entirely. Everyone just looks kind of confused but really psyched about getting work. I’m giving it 1 ½-Griecos (see Ratings). The ½-Grieco is for Prochnow and Howard. Go play the game, watch your copy of Army of Darkness, and start writing a Galaga movie I can star in.