L. Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron Away

I’m back from LA, and I’ve learned a few things. First, they’re not lying about the weather out there. It truly is perfect. Second, Scientologists are really fucking scary. I know everybody jokes about it and we all think Cruise has gone off the deep end, but until you’ve stared it in the face I don’t know if you can fully appreciate it. I saw the Celebrity Center, which is everything you’d expect: A resort-style castle surrounded by greenery, sports cars, and perfectly veneered teeth. The center for “normal” folks is not so fancy. When I first passed it I gave out an uncontrollable scream of horror like when Damian sees the church in The Omen. I don’t know what it was, but I felt as though all the Darkness of the world resided within those walls. The building is massive, complete with high-rise dormitories (you know for the people who live there), a barbecue/meeting area (you know for fresh meat), and a giant cross overlooking a pavilion (you know for striking fear into the hearts of men). The whole compound was in a tizzy while I was there, because the anniversary (50th? 1000th?) of the publishing of Dianetics was approaching, and there was a great event to plan. Driving past the blinking NBA-arena-style sign that promised to rid me of stress and anxiety, we came upon the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum. OK, in case you skimmed over that, here it is again. The Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum. Now, my tour guide through the peaks and valleys of Hollywood (you know him as Anonymous) told me that the Scientologists owned much of the area we were in, so although a building might be called “The Philosophical Research and Regeneration Center” (or something like that), the Scientologists could very well own it. I’m sure the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum was theirs. After all, Cruise did tell us that psychiatry is a “pseudo-science” and that he knows the history of it and you don’t Matt Lauer so suck on that. Look, I don’t want to get into a debate over the merits of psychiatry here, but regardless of your feelings, the name of that museum is just scary as shit. In order to cope with my growing stress and anxiety, I went to In and Out Burger and then hit MI: III. What? You think I’m gonna miss that movie just because Cruise is batshit crazy and he supports an evil cult hell-bent on world domination? Please. What do you take me for?

MI: III
I know I don’t normally review new movies, but since it’s summer blockbuster season I’ll probably be making some exceptions. OK, I saw MI: III in the Dome, which might be the greatest theater ever conceived by Man. You have reserved seats, the screen wraps around the wall (but it’s not like seeing a normal movie on IMAX where everyone’s pores are really big), the digital projection/sound are unmatched, and Robert Downey Jr. was hanging out, and that guy totally just worked with Kilmer. As for the film, it has everything you’d expect: Cruise running, laughing, jumping, laughing, and having an awkward love scene; Ving Rhames making deep-voiced wisecracks; some hot chicks; rubber masks; and serious plot holes. The most disappointing aspect of the movie is that Phillip Seymour Hoffman is tragically underused. He’s totally awesome from the second he comes on screen, but they needed to give him like at least 30 more minutes. (note to director J.J Abrams: we get it; Cruise and his girlfriend are really in love. Jesus, now get back to PSH and some explosions.) (Another note to J.J. Abrams: I swear to God if they show another rerun of "Lost" I will hold you responsible and I will personally come back to Hollywood to hunt you down and destroy you using only a polar bear, a wheelchair, and the abs of sweet Evangeline Lilly.) Sorry, back to the movie. So, Crudup does alright and the "Shaun of the Dead" guy is funny, but Laurence Fishburne gives one of the most baffling, misguided performances since The Matrix Revolutions. While I was entertained, I found myself longing for MI: I, Jon Voight, and the NOC List. Seriously, where the hell is the NOC list?

The movie doesn’t really fall into the standard GIK rating system, so I’ll give it 2 ½ Lord Xenus. It’s worth checking out, but you could just as easily stay home and read up on silent birth.