And Chevy Chase as the Voice of Cho Cho

While I was watching The Karate Dog (I actually prefer just Karate Dog) lat night, a friend of mine asked The Ghost of Gene Siskel and me if we would take roles in a picture like TKD. Our answer? A resounding “hell yes!” Believe me, I would come to the set just happy to be alive and working in the biz. And let’s be honest, taking on a part in Karate Dog seems like a natural progression from telephone psychic, menu hander-outer, door-to-door stuffed bunny salesman, and barista. So, yes I would love to be in Karate Dog. Did I love watching it? Well, that’s a different question altogether.

The Karate Dog
We open with Pat Morita (RIP) breaking into a sciencey type place and stealing a vile of green liquid. He then goes home and starts chatting with his dog, Cho Cho, who has no problem chatting back. Soon, ninjas break in, kill Morita, and run off with the Midori or whatever the hell is in the vile, but not before Cho Cho lays down some really disturbing CGI Kung Fu. Cho Cho then gets rescued by a nerdy cop who’s working on a police computer program called C.O.L.A.R. (Yep. It’s that type of film.) Together, the cop and the dog will find the man responsible for Morita’s death. Enter Jon Voight as Morita’s former student. He sports an awesome ponytail and a southern accent that’s part Phil Hartman’s Bill Clinton and part Foghorn Leghorn with some perfect facial expressions to match his well placed stutters. Voight’s entrance prompted TGOGS to ask, “Is he the worst good actor in the world or the best bad actor?” It’s a question that clearly can’t be answered by mortals, but I did suggest that maybe he’s the best good actor in the world, but he’s just gotten real lazy. Anyway, the fat kid who plays Billy Bob in Varsity Blues plays Voight’s son, so it was nice to see those two reunited. Meanwhile, the nerdy cop is falling in love with Jaime Pressly. This leads to a cringe-worthy Cyrano de Bergerac scene in which the dog feeds the cop romantic lines via his earpiece. I can’t say anything else about this scene that hasn’t already been said about a steaming pile of monkey feces. So, of course Voight is the bad guy. It turns out that the green liquid is a performance enhancing drug that Voight’s been giving to dogs at the dog track in order to cash in on underdogs (sorry). But now he’s ready to take the formula to the people. From there, the movie devolves into your typical anti-steroids/pro-talking dog buddy cop action comedy. Eventually, Cho Cho and Voight engage in a Matrixesque Kung Fu battle that recalls The Highlander. The dog wins, the cop and Jaime Pressly kiss, and Cho Cho is a hero!

When Karate Dog started, there were four of us watching it. In the end, it was just me, y’all. Before he headed out, TGOGS suggested that you could hear the pills in Chevy Chase’s voice. However, as I continued to watch, I concluded that that is simply what regret sounds like. You should see this film. It has to go down as one of the most ridiculous movies ever made, and Voight is truly spectacular. However, the main guy is almost unbearable, the CGI dog is just creepy, and seeing Pat Morita in his weakened condition was very sad. And Chevy…oh Chevy. You were Fletch, my friend. Where did it all go wrong? Whoever she is, she must have screwed you up something fierce.

Anyway, I’m giving The Karate Dog 2 ½-Griecos (see ratings). Watch it, but feel free to fast forward to the scene when Voight enters in some sort of bold Silver Kimono/Native American jacket. That’s when the shit really starts going down.