I Pull Out My Beretta

Whilst in LA, I had the chance to get fully caught up on Trapped in the Closet. I had watched parts 1-7 on BET, but I had no idea that the midget (sorry, little person) would go on to shit himself and that the Southern wife of the cop who was banging Sylvester’s wife was actually pregnant with the midget’s (sorry, little person’s) baby. I should have given y’all a spoiler alert. I apologize. Anyway, there is nothing I can say that will give Trapped in the Closet its full due. It may be the most amazing thing ever made in any medium. The sheer egomania/mild-retardedness/oddly-proficient-vocal-talent that R. Kelly needed to take on all of the roles and make the other actors lip synch is just amazing. The insurmountable plot holes, the detailed recounts of every little thing that happens (i.e. “She said “damn,” I said “damn”), the way it seems to be either 30 minutes or 4 hous long, and the fact that every choice that is made both by the filmmakers and the characters is wrong but somehow seem so right make this one of the most entertaining musicals/operas/soaps/movies/videos/TV shows you will ever see. All that, and it’s set in Chicago.

A question of Griecos is out of the question. An entire site would need to be created and a new rating system would have to be mulled over for ages to truly score this piece. However, I am interested to know what will happen in "Part 13" and beyond. I have some thoughts, and I need your opinion.

A. Sylvester and the gang are visited by aliens. It turns out that the aliens are the ones who actually impregnated the redneck girl, causing the cop’s head to explode as he smokes his 15th cigarette of the film. To get a handle on the situation, Sylvester pulls out his gun and kills the lot of them.

B. Sylvester’s wife turns out to be the one responsible for setting up the preacher and the deacon. It also turns out that she lured her friend (the preacher’s wife) into sleeping with Sylvester, through a miracle of science she knocked up the redneck girl, and through her powers of telepathy she caused the midget (fuck off) with the big dick to shit himself. Astounded by his woman’s Machiavellian scheme, Sylvester pulls out his gun and kills the lot of them.

C. It’s all in Sylvester’s mind, rendering everything I have sat through completely and utterly useless. Pissed that “R.” would stoop to pulling a Shyamalan, I pull out my imaginary gun and pretend to shoot that bastard Adrian Grenier. I know that’s got nothing to do with anything, but I really hate that guy.

D. Other (Please elaborate).

Submit your thoughts, and if you have any idea when the next round will be out you must let me know.