Have You Checked the Children?

I went to go see the remake of When a Stranger Calls last night. I liked it, and it scared me, and yes, Kev, the new girl is much hotter than Carol Kane. I love Carol Kane, though, so I’m not gonna get into all that. Anyway, before the movie I saw a preview for this horrible retelling of Twelfth Night called She’s the Man. I also got some info from the aforementioned Kev about a remake of The Omen (one of my favorite movies) that is coming out soon. Let’s face it, people. We all know Hollywood has gone mad with power with this whole remake thing. There was King Kong, The Longest Yard, Fun with Dick and Jane, The Steppford Wives, this travesty of a Pink Panther remake that’s set to pop, and all of the others that I’m sure I’m forgetting about. As I thought about all of this remake stuff while I was waiting for the remake to start, I got angry, because, well, I don’t have anything real to be angry about. In response to my rage, I decided to make a list, because, well, it was easier than watching a bad movie last night. So here are the worst remakes of our time. I know there are many that I have missed, so please let me know what needs to be added.

Worst Shakespeare Remake
O - There are so many movies that could make it in this category it seems wrong to settle on just one. Hawk’s Hamlet is horrendous, Baz Luhrmann’s William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is just absurd, and Pacino in Looking for Richard is just one of the worst things you’ll ever see. That being said, I’m giving O the nod, even though it doesn’t use the original language. Hartnett’s smoldering “Hugo” is a disgrace to anyone who has ever even thought about reading a line of Iago’s. He’s so bad he almost makes Julia “Desi” Stiles look good. Almost.

Worst Remake of a Romantic Period Drama
Cruel Intentions – Dangerous Liaisons, like its source material, is a bold piece. I’m not saying it’s perfect or anything, but Malkovich and Close are great in it, and Michelle Pfeiffer is ridiculous hot. On the other hand, Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions is parading around like he’s Leo DiCaprio or something. And trust me Ryan, according to a friend of mine, you’re no Leo DiCaprio. Selma Blair also takes on the Uma Thurman role, playing it like some sort of mentally challenged 13 year-old. Her performance defies all logic, and Gellar is just playing returned-from-the-grave-pissed-off Buffy up there.

Worst Remake of a Foreign Film
Vanilla Sky – Look, I haven’t even seen the original version of this movie, and I’m putting it on the list. The twist at the end makes The Village look like Psycho (the original, not the remake). Wait, sorry about that. Nothing could ever make The Village look good. Seriously, though, it has one of the worst “surprises” I have ever seen. Plus, they put Cruise in that ridiculous mask. Even if he’s batshit, you don’t hide the piercing gaze of Cruise, y’all. Oh, and Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz just look confused the whole time, and I’m pretty sure Kurt Russell thinks he’s reprising his role in Captain Ron.

Worst Remake of a Classic Horror Movie
The Bride – I know some people out there will be outraged that I placed a Jennifer Beals movie on the list. Please, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Beals, but not even her timeless good looks and ability to dance can save this remake of Frankenstein or The Bride of Frankenstein or whatever it is. The tragedy of the original is reduced to some weird sexual tension between Beals and Sting with some Pygmalion type stuff thrown in. However, Sting’s hair is pretty awesome in it, and the little person and the monster do good work.

Worst Remake of Planet of the Apes
Planet of the Apes – I like Burton as much as the next guy. Probably even more than the next guy, unless, of course, that guy is a pale wanderer of the night. That doesn’t change the fact that this remake just plain sucks. Estella Warren throws her hat in the ring as one of the worst actresses of all time. And why is her hair and makeup always perfect while everyone else looks like Peasant #3 in some production of the Passion Play? We don’t even need to bring up the whole monkey-Abe Lincoln thing. I mean the monkey monument had a beard, a hat, and everything, and that’s offensive to apes and Mr. Lincoln.