Prometheus Unhooked

Since I turned 30 I’ve been going through a whole putting things into perspective phase. This involves watching a lot of ‘80s videos and accepting the fact that I will never be toasted as the Lone Prince of Eurasia as I had once hoped. Looking at things this way has made me realize that my life is pretty good. I have a decent job that doesn’t require me to wear real pants, I have a hot girlfriend, and I have a love of metal that will never die. Despite all of this, though, I still feel like something is missing. Would I like more money? Sure. Would I like to live in an apartment complex that isn’t littered with Dos Equis bottles and the stink of failure? You know it. But cash and a nice home won’t fill the void. There’s only one thing that can truly bring me peace, and I discovered it last night; a film about a genetically-altered fish that will surely terrorize all of mankind if it is not destroyed by a brave group of multi-cultural heroes.

Frankenfish
First off, if you know somebody at the Sci-Fi Channel please let me know. They will clearly put anything on TV, and I think my screenplay about a caveman from the future who hunts and kills politicians using only his keen sense of smell and the Kraft singles he found in a time capsule is right up their alley.

OK. Frankenfish has everything you could possibly want in a film. There’s gratuitous vomit, pontoon boats, decapitations, a wise old mystic woman with two different colored eyes who talks about the curse that has been put upon her land, and a fish that will fly out of the water and simply rip you to shreds until the marshlands run red with your blood. There are also some awesome “backwoods” stereotypes and my new favorite actress, the lovely Ms. China Chow. Ultimately, Frankenfish is like Anaconda minus the budget, Voight’s accent, and the consummate professionalism of one Jennifer Lopez, but with some Manticore-worthy effects thrown in. Watch the opening and then fast forward to the part where you finally catch a glimpse of the fish in all its glory, and you won’t be disappointed. I’m giving it 2 ½ -Griecos (see ratings). The extra ½ is for the requisite there-might-be-a-sequel-because-the-demon-fish-had-babies shot at the end.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House" on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.