Checked out House of Wax last night. Man, did that movie suck. Yet, for some bizarre reason, I was entertained. Maybe it’s because I love B-horror films that create some melancholy back story (abused, separated Siamese twins in this case) to make up for their total lack of plot and structure, or maybe I have a little crush on Elishsa “Pink Panties” Cuthbert. I mean, she and Chad Michael Haircut from “One Tree Hill,” “Everwood,” or some other show that desperately wants to be “Dawson’s Creek” but can’t be, kind of work as hero twins battling the evil twins I mentioned earlier. Who knows, maybe the movie appealed to me because, at the end of the day, I find wax really creepy. Seriously, I have visited wax museums all over this great world of ours, and whether I’m looking at a replica of Stallone in his Apollo Creed U.S.A. trunks from Rocky IV or the original death masque of Marie Antoinette, I just get freaked out. Perhaps I liked it, because it made me nostalgic for the time when my friends and I went camping and decided to explore a deserted town, and, you know, sneaked around this guy’s house, checking out his medical tables, bone saws, and jarred horse embryos. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? We’re attractive young white people with hot early-20s sex and our whole lives ahead of us---Jesus Christ! My Achilles tendon! Oh my God! Oh sweet Lord! Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I only mocked those who were different! They were different…(gratuitous vomit/innards shot….and cut away.)
Sorry. You know what? This is all bullshit. I liked House of Wax, because I got to see Paris Hilton’s head get piked, javelin-style. Now, how could you not enjoy that?
2 ½-Griecos (see ratings).
Ratings
1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House" on. Watch that instead.
2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.
3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.
4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.
**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Speaking of Remakes
Posted by # 5 at 12:05 AM
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2 comments:
The full face wax that the evil dude gives to the first victim is awesome. And I thought a bikini wax smarted. Yeesh. Gotta get the surface clean before you turn him into a living sculpture, I suppose. Also, the chopping off of Pink Panties' fingertip with wire cutters was a nice touch.
am I the only one that thinks Paris Hilton's gratuitous (and extremely elongated) death scene was a social commentary on interracial romance?
after viewing this film as well as Hostel, I must say ... enough with the hand violence!
kev
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