Cow Baby

So I was all set to watch Blind Horizon, but two things occurred before I could make it happen. First, some crazy shit went down on “The Sopranos,” putting me in a state of heightened Italianess for the rest of the evening. Second, I remembered I taped Minotaur.

Minotaur
The ominous/soothing British lady voiceover that is apparently required for all fantasy films informs us that the queen of some ancient land got it on with a bull and gave birth to the Minotaur. OK, actually it was violently ripped from her womb and this awesome cow baby puppet thing “suckled on the blood of its mother.” The mighty beast grew and the prince of the land demanded an occasional sacrifice of eight youths to appease good old Minnie. The youths came from a village led by future GIK hall-of-famer Rutger Hauer. In order to stop the killing and perhaps to find some girl he once loved, Hauer’s son, Theseus (called Theo for the kids), throws his lot in with a group of youths destined for sacrifice so that he might take on the Minotaur. When Theo arrives at the home of the mighty Bull Man (Man Bull?) he actually finds Candyman sporting acrylic black nails, huffing some crazy gas from the horns of the beast, and spouting Lear-like soliloquies in his patented whisper/growl. Eventually, Theo and the others end up in the labyrinth and the hunter becomes the hunted. Or something like that. I don't know. Now, like all creatures of Darkness and low-budget films, the Minotaur mainly lurks in the shadows. However, when you do finally catch a glimpse of this papier mache/CGI combo prepare yourself for some serious impaling. Horn through the chest, horn through the mouth, horn through the skull; this Minotaur does it all. Theo and his crew do their best to stay alive while they, like all of us, start to lose their minds in the labyrinth. Just so you know they’re on their own down there, people. There’s no cute little Hoggle, wacky Muppets, or a crystal-ball-juggling/incredibly hair-sprayed Bowie to help them out. Anyway, in the end Theo blows up the Minotaur (you read that right) and then stabs the bovine demon with its own horn. Candyman dies, the sun shines, and according to the voiceover, “The reign of the Bull God was over.”

Man, Minotaur makes Manticore look like Frankenfish. There’s a very good chance this piece has just what you are looking for. There’s an actress who is the perfect combination of Rosario Dawson and Rae Dawn Chong, and a male lead who is way into that spit/drool style of acting. You know like Cruise does in Born on the Fourth of July? When a guy is willing to spit like that, you know he’s mastered his craft. Minotaur also has Candyman just playing the hell out of his role up there. During his “Fear” monologue I think he might have literally chewed some of the Styrofoam scenery. You’re gonna get some sweet cloven hoof shots, a level of gore that only the Sci Fi Channel is willing to bring you, and an omen-spouting leper, as well. That’s right, y’all. An omen-spouting leper. Fast-forward through the bullshit romances and other subplots, settle in, and enjoy the pure metal goodness of the vengeful Horned Army. 3-Griecos (see ratings).

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.