Starship Troopers vs. The Cell

Before we get started I just want to say that there is finally a new episode of “Lost” on tonight. Woo-hoo!

Alright, since we began with the #1 vs. #4 game in the Boxleitner Bracket, I thought it would be nice if we opened with the #2 vs. #3 game for the Voight section of the draw.

Starship Troopers
Now, BTS had some problems with Starship Troopers even being considered a GIK film, and he raises some valid points. This movie exists in its own world, and it probably deserves a blog dedicated to its many nuances. If only there were time. It’s part action flick, part cutting satire, part broad parody, and all kickass. However, it stars Casper Van Dien, Michael Ironside (“V: The Final Battle,” Total Recall), Doogie Howser, Jake Busey, and the somewhat lovely/somewhat terrifying Denise Richards, and not even BTS can deny that they have Grieco written all over them. In the future (a future that would exist if the Nazis had been successful in WWII), all the rich white teens live in Buenos Aries where they play the greatest version of football known to Man and generally look like they’re pushing 30. However, the world is at war with an alien race of giant insects and in order to become a citizen you have to join in the fight. Against his parents’ wishes, Rico (Van Dien) joins the grunts on the front lines. Richards, it seems, has what it takes to be a crack pilot, and Doogie is a genius psychic who joins the “Games and Theory” branch of the military and starts dressing like Himmler. The three friends are split up across the universe and the most graphic bug-related violence of all time ensues. Eventually, the war escalates, the three leads are reunited, and a giant “Brain” bug that looks like a vagina shows up. (Oh director Paul Verhoeven, do you think of anything but vagina?) The bug gets captured, Doog senses that it’s afraid, and everyone celebrates. Look, I can’t do this film justice here. You have to see it, but if you’re not into severed limbs, decapitations, gratuitous vomit, and gratuitous tit shots it might not be your thing.

The Cell
Don’t you just love movies that take place on the psychic plane? I mean, anything can happen. Up is down, left is right, and J. Lo’s still the worst damn actor you’ll ever see. In order to find a girl who has been kidnapped and is about to die, Jennifer Lopez must literally go into the mind of the killer (a process that, for some reason, requires her to wear some sort of pleather cat-suit). Once inside the mind, she steps into a world where she must deal with landscapes that strive so hard for the Dali, and she must also deal with her own fears. Spooooky. Back in the real world, Vince Vaughn uses the information J. Lo gains to track down the missing girl. This is one of the highlights of The Cell as Vaughn is in that dark period before he bounced back with Old School, and he’s totally bloated, clearly drunk, and judging by his eyes, suffering from some serious pill cravings. Anyway, back to the infinite universe that is the human brain. The killer that Selena has entered is played by the incomparable Vincent D’Onofrio. Holy shit! He gets to do it all in this piece. Whether he’s a cloven-hoofed, behorned demon-beast or a scared child crying in the corner while he hides from a cloven-hoofed, behorned demon-beast, he just tears it up. His performance is beyond Grieco, yet somehow more ridiculous than Grieco. Seriously, it makes Kilmer look like Strathairn (wrap your minds around that, y’all). D’Onofrio is the only reason to hold out ‘till the end of this thing. Well, that and the bondage gear.

Breakdown
D’Onofrio comes to play, but he, like Nevada’s precious Nick Fazekas, can’t get it done on his own, and J. Lo’s ass is no match for the callous stare of sweet Denise. Rico’s Roughnecks roll as #2 seed Starship Troopers easily moves into the next round.