The Truth Shall Set Grieco Free

Now that you all know I haven’t seen The Chronicles of Riddick I figured I might as well come clean about some other films I have failed to see. The fact that I have missed some of these pictures brings me great shame. However, there are others on the list that I will avoid until the End Times which, according to the Kirk Cameron show I caught late last night, may already be upon us.

Die Hard With a Vengeance
Sorry, Bruce. Samuel L., I have nothing to say to you.

Titanic
Yeah that’s right, James Cameron. I didn’t see your precious boat movie.

Schindler’s List
I know, I know. I’m a horrible freaking person.

Gone With the Wind
What? You got something to say about it? I swear I will not sit through this clearly overrated, overblown soap opera until my girlfriend makes me.

Poison Ivy
Not the Michael J. Fox/Nancy McKeon summer camp movie from the ‘80s. I mean, I’ve seen the shit out of that one. I’ve also seen Poison Ivy 2 with the ever-lovely Alyssa Milano, but I have never gotten around to checking out the original.

Robocop 3
Yes, there's a Robocop 3.

Rambo III
I’ve never admitted that to anyone. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.

Dances with Wolves
I made a promise to the Ghost of Gene Siskel that I would watch this Costner epic, and so it shall be done.

Friday the 13th Parts V, VI, and IX
VII, VIII, X, and Freddy vs. Jason were awesome though.

Conan The Destroyer
Seriously, how have I not seen this movie? I’ve seen Red Sonja like 10 times and Kull the Conqueror more than I care to admit.

Speed
Oh my God, I can’t believe I just said that. I have lied about seeing this movie on countless occasions. I don’t know why. The lie gains me nothing. I am truly despicable. I mean not seeing Schindler’s List is one thing, but staring your friends in the face and saying, “Of course I’ve seen Speed. What do you think I’ve been living in a goddamn cave for the past decade?” is just the worst. No. What’s worse is the fact that I have seen Speed 2. Oddly, I could follow along without any problem.

I know there are more out there, but I have to go cleanse my sins. Perhaps in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Purple Rain. Now that’s a movie I’ve seen. Seriously. I’ve seen it. You can totally quiz me.