Another Year, Another Grieco

Is it me, or is the Thetan level really high in here? I mean I’m trying to focus on the task at hand, but I can’t shake the feeling that the ancient ghosts of once-powerful aliens are haunting my every move. Sorry about that. Turns out my cat was just licking my hand. Let’s get down to Grieco.

Spliced
Spliced is a B-horror movie that draws on classics like Nightmare on Elm Street and The Ring (it says so on the box) and completely drains them of anything scary. The main girl, Mary, gets a bit aroused when she gets scared, so she goes to see this horror movie, The Wisher, that is all the rage. Soon after that the titular glass-blade-fingered killer of the film-within-the-film who, as my friend suggested, looks like he’s wearing curtains, a bad dreadlock wig, and white clown face paint from the Party Pig, starts appearing to Mary and all of her wishes start coming true. Of course, it’s the whole “Monkey’s Paw” thing where you don’t really want what you wish for, because people will die and whatnot…or at least burn. The Wisher really seems to be into burning stuff. Scared, Mary turns to her school counselor played by Ron Silver, star of the destined-for-GIK film Timecop with Van Damme. Silver is awesome. He chews gum on screen as only a true master of the craft can, and if you haven’t seen his work in the short-lived primetime soap “Skin” you have not truly begun to live. Anyway, The Wisher continues to wreak havoc and we find out that subliminal scenes have been “spliced” into the movie, but this never comes to anything, wasting our time and rendering the title useless. After some more people get disfigured, we are led to believe that The Wisher is the jock kid played by Drew “brother of Nick & 98 Degrees, y’all” Lachey. In a last ditch effort to save her life, Mary wishes The Wisher was dead and he starts slicing himself up with his glass (it really looks like a Lucite table from the ‘70s) fingers, and we find out that he was actually the nerd next door who showed his love for Mary by killing people and burning CDs for her. In the end, Ron Silver shows up and delivers a explanatory monologue that would make Hercule Poirot proud, and we are left with the obligatory “there might be a sequel isn’t it spooooky” scene.

Even if Spliced was called The Wisher like it should have been, it still would have sucked. But here’s what I learned from it; Canadians don’t talk like we think they talk. Sure, we’ve all heard “eh” and the weird way they say “out,” but they have been covering shit up. The actors in this clearly Canadian film have crazy accents, man. I kid you not; I expected Alastair and Moose from “You Can’t Do That on Television” to just pop out at any minute. Every word they utter reeks of hockey, clean streets, and Universal healthcare.

At the end of the day, the bizarre dialects and the acting chops of Ron Silver can’t get Spliced more than 1 ½ -Griecos (see ratings). However, if you watch the Anna Nicole Smith soft-core that’s on Showtime right after it like we did, the two films will blend together, and you won’t know where the killing stops and the gratuitous bath scenes begin. It will increase your appreciation for both movies.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.