Raise Your Head in Triumph (Part II)

Here are the remaining 5 of the all-time top 10 performances in movies that would make Grieco proud. Please let me know who you think should be added to the list.

Best Performance by a Child Who Went on to do Mediocre Work
Kirsten Dunst – Interview with the Vampire – I have no real problem with Dunst. She seems like a nice girl, and Bring it On is great. I’m also a big fan of the Spider-Man movies (shocking, I know). It’s just that she seems kind of generic up there, right? It's all no risks, no physical coordination, and no bras with her (seriously Kirsten, what's the deal with the no bras?). However, when she was a wee girl in Interview, she had the chops. In this pale Goth kid’s wet dream by Anne Rice, Kirsten holds her own with a pre-mindfreak Cruise, and her work is the only thing that can almost make you overlook Brad Pitt’s I’m-so-damn-handsome-all-I-have-to-do-is-talk-in-this-monotone-without-ever-
really-unclenching-my-jaw performance.

Best Performance that Makes an Appearance in a Later Film
Ben Stiller – Heavyweights – Don’t listen to your friends who say movies that exploit the trials and tribulations of fat kids aren’t funny, because Stiller’s insane exercise guru makes Heavyweights, at times, one of the funniest movies out there. I mean, he’s basically putting on a clinic with his “we are all like Icarus” monologue. Stiller would take his work in the movie and do almost exactly the same thing in Dodgeball (which I love), but the performance was better the first time around.

The “Preferably Something that will Give My Unborn Children Gills” Award
Parker Posey – Party Girl – I am a huge fan of Parker Posey. I even watched that horrible made-for-TV modern-day retelling of Frankenstein she did with that Goldberg kid from Dazed and Confused and the Frenchman from The Crow II. Anyway, her performances in said Dazed and Confused and the Christopher Guest movies are some of the best I’ve seen, but what she brings to Party Girl is just amazing. The woman can make anything funny and pull off any ridiculous outfit, and that, my friends, is talent. (note: Parker should show some class and share this award with castmate Guillermo Diaz.)

Best Performance by a Consummate B-Movie Actor
Kurt Russell – Big Trouble in Little China – Kurt Russell’s refusal to change his hair over the last 20 years is reason enough to give him an award, and his work in classics like Escape from New York, Tango and Cash, and even Overboard make me dream of the day when he will play Grieco’s uncle in a tale about ranchers that rise up to stop some sort of robot invasion. However, his performance in Big Trouble in Little China is truly his shining moment. The boots, the sleeveless shirt, and the unwavering smirk are the perfect additions to this already badass movie.

Best Onscreen Truffle Shuffle
The kid who played Chunk – The Goonies – I know The Goonies is not a GIK movie. There simply aren't enough Griecos in the rating system to account for how awesome it is. I just thought it was time that Chunk (Jeff Cohen) got the credit he deserves. His bar mitzvah/uncle’s toupee/fake-vomit-in-the-movie-theater monologue may very well be the greatest thing a child has ever done anywhere in anything. Unless, of course, you break down the scene where he tries to lick the ice cream off the spoon as Robert Davi yanks it away from him. While Samwise, Feldman, Data, Plimpton, that cute girl, and young Josh Brolin are all superb, it is Chunk who stands out among this rag-tag bunch of kids bent on saving their neighborhood from those evil land developers. Man, ‘80s villains were the best.


For the record, I know what you're thinking. However, to put Grieco on the list is an insult to Grieco. The man can’t simply be lumped in with common performers. It just wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved.