The response to the worst performances list (Hang Your Head in Shame parts I&II) was so good, it got me thinking about the best performances of our time. Not the Oscar-winning type roles that we’re all familiar with, but the performances in those Grieco-esque films that oft’ go underappreciated. Now, as I left Kevin Costner off the "worst" list, I must leave Val Kilmer off the "best" list. His teeth-clicking/deep-breath-taking moments in Top Gun and absolutely everything he does in The Saint deserve their own pages, and trust me, that day will come. In the meantime, here are the first 5 of the top 10 best performances of all time in movies that would make Grieco proud. As with the previous list, I’ve tried to stick with films that most people are familiar with, so my apologies to Jeff Speakman. For too long, sir, has your work in The Perfect Weapon gone unheralded.
Best Reason to Quit that Sinful Dancing
John Lithgow – Footloose – This is a great film. Bacon’s weird gymnastics scene, the Quiet Riot-heavy soundtrack, and the hairdos are more than worth the price of rental (or purchase, for those of you who really know what life’s about). However, Lithgow’s portrayal of a fire-and-brimstone preacher who faces his own demons in order to reconnect with his daughter, his wife, and The Dance is by far the best part of the movie. When he takes the pulpit, it’s so good I just want to cut loose...so loose and, I don’t know, kick off my Sunday shoes or something.
Best Performance in a Kevin Smith Movie
Jason Lee – Mallrats – Look, I know Mallrats has its problems, and sure, Kevin Smith can be kind of a douchebag some times, but Jason Lee is kickass in this movie. His brown coat, his passion for comics, and his ability to ignore the horrendous performance of Jeremy London deserve recognition. If that’s not enough, the man can effing skate. I mean he had his own board, y’all. His own board.
Best Performance by an Offbeat Singer/Songwriter
Tom Waits – Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Where Keanu fails, Waits succeeds. His Renfield is totally bold. The bug eating, the crazy things on his hands, the accent; it’s all awesome. And the “no one would refuse me a cat…the master will come, and he has promised to make me immortal” rant into the biting-of-Dr. Seward scene would make a great intro for a Tom Waits video that involves some sort of carnival act and a busted typewriter. Oldman’s Oldman-worthy Dracula and Hopkins’s cackling, batshit Van Helsing are also worth checking out.
Most Terrifyingly Accurate Portrayal of a Texas High School Football Coach
Jon Voight – Varsity Blues – “Circus come to town? I didn’t see no trucks.”
Varsity Blues is a 4-Grieco film, and Voight’s performance is one of my favorites of all time. (note: Voight’s Bolivian or German or whatever guy he plays in Anaconda is also top-tier stuff.) I spent my fair share of hours on the basketball court (I know the football players had it worse) with aging Texas gentlemen who were under the impression that I was “slower ‘n Christmas,” “stupider than shit on a stick,” and “not worth the time my mama took to have me,” so I appreciate Voight’s portrayal of Bud Kilmer (named after Val?). Every inflection, gum chew, and coach-clap he has in this movie is just perfect. I don’t know what else I can say about Voight. Except, of course, that his daughter, Angelina, strikes me as being a bit of a harpy.
Best Onscreen Portrayal of a High School Asshole
Peter Facinelli – Can’t Hardly Wait – I love this movie. It’s basically an ‘80s teen end-of-the-school-year picture made in the ‘90s, and it has all of the highlights and script problems you would expect. While the great Seth Green and little Lauren Ambrose (Claire on "Six Feet Under") make a wonderful couple, Facinelli’s performance as the stereotypical football star is the true standout of this piece. His slow-mo high-five montage is so perfect that every time I see it I feel like I’m sitting on the couch at a party sipping from a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill and pretending to agree with my bespectacled female friend’s belief that The Scarlet Letter is one of the best books ever written, all the while hoping that the Zima she is drinking will go to her head, and I’ll finally get a chance to make out with her.
Once again, I would like to thank Sherpa for her help on the list and for her undying support of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Please let me know about your favorite performances, and look for Part II of the list on Monday.
In Grieco, there is truth.
Best Reason to Quit that Sinful Dancing
John Lithgow – Footloose – This is a great film. Bacon’s weird gymnastics scene, the Quiet Riot-heavy soundtrack, and the hairdos are more than worth the price of rental (or purchase, for those of you who really know what life’s about). However, Lithgow’s portrayal of a fire-and-brimstone preacher who faces his own demons in order to reconnect with his daughter, his wife, and The Dance is by far the best part of the movie. When he takes the pulpit, it’s so good I just want to cut loose...so loose and, I don’t know, kick off my Sunday shoes or something.
Best Performance in a Kevin Smith Movie
Jason Lee – Mallrats – Look, I know Mallrats has its problems, and sure, Kevin Smith can be kind of a douchebag some times, but Jason Lee is kickass in this movie. His brown coat, his passion for comics, and his ability to ignore the horrendous performance of Jeremy London deserve recognition. If that’s not enough, the man can effing skate. I mean he had his own board, y’all. His own board.
Best Performance by an Offbeat Singer/Songwriter
Tom Waits – Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Where Keanu fails, Waits succeeds. His Renfield is totally bold. The bug eating, the crazy things on his hands, the accent; it’s all awesome. And the “no one would refuse me a cat…the master will come, and he has promised to make me immortal” rant into the biting-of-Dr. Seward scene would make a great intro for a Tom Waits video that involves some sort of carnival act and a busted typewriter. Oldman’s Oldman-worthy Dracula and Hopkins’s cackling, batshit Van Helsing are also worth checking out.
Most Terrifyingly Accurate Portrayal of a Texas High School Football Coach
Jon Voight – Varsity Blues – “Circus come to town? I didn’t see no trucks.”
Varsity Blues is a 4-Grieco film, and Voight’s performance is one of my favorites of all time. (note: Voight’s Bolivian or German or whatever guy he plays in Anaconda is also top-tier stuff.) I spent my fair share of hours on the basketball court (I know the football players had it worse) with aging Texas gentlemen who were under the impression that I was “slower ‘n Christmas,” “stupider than shit on a stick,” and “not worth the time my mama took to have me,” so I appreciate Voight’s portrayal of Bud Kilmer (named after Val?). Every inflection, gum chew, and coach-clap he has in this movie is just perfect. I don’t know what else I can say about Voight. Except, of course, that his daughter, Angelina, strikes me as being a bit of a harpy.
Best Onscreen Portrayal of a High School Asshole
Peter Facinelli – Can’t Hardly Wait – I love this movie. It’s basically an ‘80s teen end-of-the-school-year picture made in the ‘90s, and it has all of the highlights and script problems you would expect. While the great Seth Green and little Lauren Ambrose (Claire on "Six Feet Under") make a wonderful couple, Facinelli’s performance as the stereotypical football star is the true standout of this piece. His slow-mo high-five montage is so perfect that every time I see it I feel like I’m sitting on the couch at a party sipping from a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill and pretending to agree with my bespectacled female friend’s belief that The Scarlet Letter is one of the best books ever written, all the while hoping that the Zima she is drinking will go to her head, and I’ll finally get a chance to make out with her.
Once again, I would like to thank Sherpa for her help on the list and for her undying support of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Please let me know about your favorite performances, and look for Part II of the list on Monday.
In Grieco, there is truth.
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