Somebody’s Going to Emergency, Somebody’s Going to Jail

There are several movie experiences that I believe I share with most of you. You know, those moments that have the power to stay with you for your entire life, like waiting in lines around the theater for Empire (Jedi for you younger folk or those of you who are not cursed with a ridiculous memory); seeing those two creepy girls in The Shining for the first time; watching Jimmy sink that “J” at the end of Hoosiers; or being totally incoherent while reclining on the couch with a large Canadian bacon/pineapple pizza, a 2-liter bottle of Coke, and an Olsen Twins movie on the TV. Don’t you dare judge. You’ve all been there. Sure, maybe it wasn’t those two billionaire moppets, but don’t pretend like you haven’t sat there and watched little Lindsay Lohan or that delightful Anne Hathoway late at night when you had nothing else to do. Seriously? Just me? Wow, I have got to get it together.

New York Minute
Yeah, I watched it. How else can I tell you about what’s goin’ down on the streets? I do it, so you don’t have to, y’all. So you don’t have to. Now, I could spend several pages here attacking the Olsens, focusing on the fact that they kind of look like fish, what with they’re strange bulbous eyes and drawn-in pouts, but that’s not me. I leave that kind of stuff to the gossip rags. My aims are literary. Always literary.

New York Minute is a concise retelling of Moby Dick with Eugene Levy as a modern day Ahab (a truancy officer who dreams of being a cop) and Mary-Kate as his chronically-absent white whale. Ashley fills in admirably as the noble savage, Queequeg. Sorry, things got away from me there, but some of this stuff is kind of true. You see, drum-playing, school-skipping, Red Bull-slamming, couture-wearing punk rocker, Mary-Kate, is ditching class to go to A Simple Plan’s video shoot in NY. Meanwhile, scented-soap-using, couture-wearing smarty pants, Ashley, is going to they city to give a speech that could earn her a scholarship to Oxford. Oh yeah, since the girls’ mother died they hardly ever talk anymore.

After Dr. Drew shows up as their dad, the twins hop a train to NY and the fun begins. After causing a ruckus with a passenger (Daryl Hammond), the girls get kicked off the train, and they quickly run into Andy Richter who speaks in a poor/borderline-brilliant stereotypical Chinese accent. He is part of a CD/DVD pirating ring (run by his adoptive Chinese mother), and his microchip containing all the latest jams and hits has been slipped to Ashley or Mary Kate (I’m not sure) to avoid suspicion. Richter kidnaps the girls, but before he can get his chip, they outsmart him and escape. After Ashley’s outfit gets ruined by a homeless guy, they sneak into a fancy hotel room to freshen up. There, M-K meets the sexy son of a senator (Ashley met a boy in the previous scene), and the senator’s dog swallows the microchip. We then find out that Richter has Ashley’s day planner with her speech notes in it, and he offers to trade it for the chip, which of course, is now inside the dog. Keep up, people. It’s just the Olsens.

Things don’t really work out on the trade, and everybody (including Levy) shows up at the A Simple Plan thing. Turns out they’re a real band, and boy do they suck. Anyway, more wackiness ensues and the girls end up trekking through the New York sewers, which are, for some strange reason, entirely devoid of rats. After learning some life lessons from the wise black people at a beauty shop, our milquetoast heroines have a wig/fashion montage. (note: during montage, I had an impure thought. I don’t want to talk about it.) The girls then steal a cab and engage in high speed chase with Levy, Ashley gets kidnapped again by Richter, Mary-Kate gives an impromptu speech in her sister’s stead, boy rescues Ashley, they show up to the speech ceremony, the girls bust Richter, give Levy the credit, and everybody is happy. Mary-Kate and Ashley then realize that they do really love and need each other and they hug. (note: another impure thought.)

That Summer (that’s what the screen says): M-K’s band, Zen Riot, is about to set out on a tour of London with their manager, Jack Osborne. Ashley has the Oxford scholarship, and both boys are making the trip across the pond (do I smell a sequel? New York Minute 2: London Calling. Girls, we’ll talk). Levy’s their friend and a cop now, a Bowie song gets covered, the credits roll, and I threw up a little in my mouth. Amazingly, all of the twists, turns, and gaping plot holes happened within like 1 hour and 20 minutes.

New York Minute is one of those movies I watch just to prove to myself that it can be done. It’s like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or Saving Private Ryan. Sure, it’s basically a direct-to-video movie that ended up in theaters, but I’m gonna give it 2-Griecos (see ratings) anyway. I love Levy, Richter, and Hammond (who appears throughout) and I’m just glad they’re getting work. Saget shows up to (sorry, Kev. That tramp Kimmy Giblar is nowhere to be found). This movie also made me happy to be my own age, as I see how bad things have gotten for these kids today. I mean, where is their Weird Science, Real Genius, or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? And what about Tron? Come on! That movie kicks ass and it demands a remake. Yeah, I know The Matrix is a total rip off. Can you believe Boxleitner doesn’t even cameo in it? That’s bullshit.

Ratings
1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House" on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.