Open Pitch Meeting with a Studio Exec

Mike or Michael is fine. I go by both…It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, too, Mr. Vine…Oh yeah, Scooter and I have talked on the phone many times. What’s up, Scooter?…Well, thank you for flying me out…(laughter, laughter, laughter.) I know the weather’s great here, and LA is where it’s all happening...The flight was outstanding. Got to watch Mona Lisa Smile on the portable DVD. You guys were dead-on with that one…I know, isn’t she?…Just wonderful. So many teeth…A Coke would be fantastic…(laughter, laughter, laughter.) I bet she does…Sure, I’m ready. Now, you need to be sitting down, because this is gonna knock you on your asses. The boys at Universal are wetting themselves for it, but I know you’re the ones to bring my vision to the people…Thank you, Gloria…(laughter, laughter, laughter. drink.) You were right…So, we open on raindrops pelting against the window of a rundown apartment. Inside, Adrian Brody wakes up…Jake?...Oh yeah, that’s even better. Definitely. Jake Gyllenhaal wakes up and sees a woman covered in blood laying next to him. She’s dead. Boom! The screen goes black. Jake wakes up again. No woman. It was only a dream…Of course. It was written for an attractive no-name who doesn’t show her face, but isn’t afraid to show her tits…Well, it turns out the dream was a vision. In ten days, Jake is going to wake up next to a dead woman he hasn’t even met yet. It’s kind of like Minority Report only not in the future, and good…In order to learn more, Jake takes to the streets of New York, but the film can totally be shot in Toronto. He runs into Matt Damon who plays a streetwise genius like he did in Good Will Hunting, Rounders, The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, Ocean’s Eleven, and Ocean’s Twelve. You see, Damon knows a pair of psychics that are gonna help Jake figure out what the hell is going on. Enter, Peter Stormare…The weird guy…He’s European or something…Right. The wood chipper. Enter, Peter Stormare and—wait for it—Dakota effing Fanning. That’s right, they’re a father and daughter psychic team, and the girl has to do most of the practical stuff, because her father is blind...Too much like Minority Report…You mean with Stormare and the psychics? Yeah. You know what? Screw it. I’m not married to the idea. Let's say Damon leads Jake to an underworld boss who knows the happs…what’s happening. Enter, Benecio Del Toro… Right, I know. Benecio’s seen this kind of thing before, and from the description of the girl in the dream she sounds like a hooker who’s the sister of one of Benecio’s ex-girlfriends. Benecio takes them to his ex, and that’s when we meet Maggie Gyllenhaal. Shit. That’s when we meet Cameron Diaz. She’s a down-on-her-luck dancer at the local strip joint, but she’s got a dream of opening an ice cream shop for the poor kids in the neighborhood. They’ll serve all the flavors for half the price…Sorry. Cameron and Jake fall in love fast, but as she helps him unravel the mystery they get too close to Joe Pantoliano. He runs the streets and he’s pissed. He sends Scott Caan and Steve Zahn after them, but their good-natured ribbing and pop culture-reference-laden banter gets in the way of them doing their job. No problem..................................................................................Hey, if you don’t call them, how are they gonna know to get your table ready for you, right? So, Cameron and Jake…Definitely. It’ll be tasteful but hot. Cameron and Jake discover that Jake is being set up to take the fall for a powerful senator played by the incomparable Campbell Scott…Really? John C. Reilly?...Jude Law. It turns out Jude Law has been planning to set Jake up for years, because Jake’s father, played by Tom Wilkinson…Tom Hanks in a flashback, was the assistant D.A. who brought Jude’s father down on a corruption charge, leading Jude’s mother to kill herself. With this knowledge, Jake and Cameron take the fight to Jude, and in an insane finale that involves two car chases, a leap from the Brooklyn Bridge, an exploding steel mill, inter-cut shots of strippers dancing to Christina Aguilera’s “Dirty,” and a gunfight that makes P-Fic look like Res Dogs, Jake gets winged in the head and collapses. When he wakes up, he’s in the bed from the dream, but—hold the phone—Cameron Diaz is dead next to him. Hah?! It was her in the dream all along…I know. I love them, too…No. I didn’t know he was dead the whole time…Thank you. Thank you so much, Mr. Vine. You’re right, Scooter. You’re absolutely right. It’s gonna be amazing…Sequel? Give me two days.