Hang Your Head in Shame

With the Golden Globe Nominees released and the Oscars host (word, Jon Stewart) in place, awards season is in the air. All of this talk of actors playing real people and cowboys who just can’t quit each other has got me thinking about my own GIK awards that celebrate the worst performances of all time. I have tried to focus on movies that most people are familiar with, so you won’t be hearing about the woman who played the bi-curious cop in Eyes of the Werewolf. Sorry. Nor will you hear about the work of Kevin Costner, because let’s be honest, you could write a book on Robin Hood alone, and I haven’t seen Dances with Wolves, but I’m pretty sure he sucks in it. Basically, if he’s not playing a baseball player you can be sure he is delivering a cringe-worthy performance. So here are, in no particular order, the first five of what I think are the top ten non-Costner worst performances of all time. Please submit your own thoughts and stay tuned for the final five that will be posted later this week. If you have a chance you should also check out the Golden Raspberry Awards, because they have their finger on the pulse and whatnot.

Worst Accent
Keanu Reeves – Bram Stoker’s Dracula – While Keanu could have a list all his own, his “It is the man himself. He’s grown young!” and “DOCTAH, I doubted everything. (odd pause) EVEN my MIND. I was impotent with FE-AH. (odd pause) You must understand. I KNOW where the BASTARD sleeps,” might be the two worst line deliveries in the history of film. And I still don’t know where he’s supposed to be from.

Worst Display of Support for a Hollywood Religion
John Travolta – Battlefield Earth – I know it has become cliché to take shots at this movie, but holy shit, man. What the hell is Travolta doing? When he says “Stupid humans” he sounds like he did on “Saturday Night Live” when he played the ambiguously gay Dracula, and that isn’t even close to his worst bit in the film. Somewhere, our Overlord L. Ron is rolling over in his space capsule.

Worst Onscreen Couple of All Time
Winona Ryder/Ethan Hawke – Reality Bites – I love Ben Stiller, so I am confused as to why he cast Sir Broodsalot and the Klepto in this one. I’m even more confused as to why we’re supposed to think she should end up with Hawke’s vacant, vaguely existential slacker with greasy hair and a shitty band instead of the guy who is a good person and has a decent job, and I’m a slacker. Hawke may be the most overrated hack of all time and Ryder almost single-handedly ruined Beetlejuice, which is unforgivable. And don’t even get me started on Hawke’s Hamlet. The Dane is an indie filmmaker, Ethan? Do us all a favor, go trim your goat and start your third novel you pretentious prick.

Biggest Let Down in the History of Movies
Hayden Christensen – Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones – You get to play the man-who-will-be-Vader and this is what you’re bringing to the table? I know the dialogue is bad and that it’s not the same now that Yoda isn’t a puppet, but come on! You’re Anakin effing Skywalker. I know 100 actors who would have chopped off their hand and yelled “You’re not my father!” to get this role, and they all would have been so much better. You’re getting out acted by Mace Windu, son, and that’s saying something.

Worst Performance by a Robot & Worst Display of Being “Down with the Homies”
Julia Stiles – Save the Last Dance – Do yourself a favor and watch this movie with a dancer (not the exotic kind). That way, you can shudder at every soulless stare and cold, hollow line that moon-face Stiles delivers, while your dancer friend has to stop herself from taking her own life every time Julia attempts an arabesque.


Special Thanks to my friend Sherpa for all of her help on this one. She knows every line of Dracula. It’s terrifying.