#5-0

Yesterday marked the 50th posting of GIK. Let’s be honest. No one (myself included) thought I would make it past 8. But here we are. Face to face. A couple of silver spoons. You know, just like trying to find our peace of mind and whatnot. Anyway, I thought we should do something special to commemorate the first 50 posts. Initially, I thought we could do some sort of clip show. Like, “Hey. You guys remember when we talked about dragons? That was cool,” or “Hey. You guys remember when we exposed Ethan Hawke for the douchebag fraud that he is? That was awesome.” I’ve always thought that clip shows were kind of a copout though, so I decided against it. Besides, we shouldn’t dwell on what is behind us, we should look forward. Always forward. I was stuck. I had nothing. Then, I took my “medicine” for my “knee pain” and things started to fall into place. I remembered that when I was young Mad (Magazine not TV) used to do these clever articles like “Dental Visits We’d Like to See” or “Fishing Trips We’d Like to See.” I decided that’s the kind of thing we need around here. Sure, there are a lot of Grieco-type films out there, but we need more. We need to inspire those who come after us to create films that have no business being created. So, in honor of the first 50 posts and with apologies to the good people at Mad, I give you “GIK Movies We’d Like to See.”

Terrordactyl
Christopher Lambert plays a grizzled old fighter pilot who is teaching a young hot shot, James van der Beek, how to cut the sky in half. In a dramatic twist, just as he is about to pass the secret of flight onto Beek, a giant flying dinosaur swoops out of the sky and devours Lambert’s plane. Beek must then lead a group of attractive young pilots (Jessica Biel will play Lt. Thora “Lady Nightshade” Mitchell) against the invading army of airborne lizards.

Pale Moon Waning
This macabre tale finds Crispin Glover at odds with his amputee father and the ghost of his dead brother. In order to free the world of sin and walk hand-and-hand with his true love (Fairuza Balk), Crispin must reenact the Stations of the Cross at the local county fair with a group of mentally challenged children.

A Tuppence of Tea
This brilliant romantic comedy finds Kate Hudson falling for Jake Gyllenwhatever. At first they fight, but after a couple of monologues they realize they’re soul mates, and everything ends perfectly. Even for Steve Zahn and Parker Posey who play their wacky friends.

Planetron 3327: The Delta Omega Initiative
Fascist robots rule the Earth. An aging Cameron Diaz and her alien/cat hybrid, Malook, must journey to Parsec 13 to retrieve the mythical Phalanx Crystal that will transport them back to 2008 to stop the rise of the machines. A 25 year-old Dako Fa Fa lights up the screen as the young Diaz in director James "King of the World" Cameron’s long-awaited follow up to Titanic. In the end, we realize that Diaz/Fa Fa is herself a robot, causing us all to once again marvel at Cameron’s genius. Seriously, this jagoff must be destroyed. Stop sending miniature freaking submarines to further explore the wreckage of the damn ship. We get it. You’re totally rich and you can do whatever the hell you want. Oooh, there are still some antique plates down there, and oh what a story they tell. Sorry. I just can’t stand that guy. He cut Biehn out of T2 and that is just unforgivable.

Thank you all for reading and commenting on the first 50. I don’t know what the future holds for GIK, but I do know this; Together. We’re gonna find our way. You and I. Together. Woo…hoo…hoo.