Final Four (Game 1)

Starship Troopers vs. Left Behind

I thought we’d kick things off in the Voight bracket this time around.

Breakdown
These two films have everything it takes to be a GIK champion. SST has the budget, but the makers of Left Behind think they’re producing a big Hollywood picture for a few grand, which gives it a quality that is truly rare. In order to determine a winner I had to break it down to two things: Key match-up and key scene.

Kirk Cameron vs. Casper Van Dien
There’s nothing like putting a has-been up against a never-was. Kirk plays things as though bringing his name to the piece is really going to get people fired up about Christ. I respect that. Especially because he sports a five o’clock shadow that sheds his “Tiger Beat” image while reminding us of how powerful he was in that episode where Boner went off to join the army.

Van Dien, on the other hand, has the lock-jawed, oddly high-pitched mumble of a man who thinks he’s on the brink, but is, in reality, showing the world that he’ll never quite have what it takes to be a star. You can tell he’s really trying hard up there even if he doesn’t get the joke that the filmmakers are going for. It’s kind of like watching a little kid ride a bike for the first time right before he realizes his dad has let go and he takes a wicked spill.

Both performances are beautiful to watch, but Kirk’s former-TV-star-in-a-ridiculous-film is just too Grieco to ignore.

Public Flogging vs. Biblical Dude in Rented Costume
There are countless amazing scenes to choose from in SST. There’s the awkward lovemaking, the tragic cutting-in-half/death of Michael Ironside, and everything Doogie, Denise and that guy who cheats on Kelly in an episode of “Saved by the Bell” do. However, the stripping (1/2 way) and subsequent public flogging of Van Dien stands out as the centerpiece of the film. It has all of the S&M, homo-erotic, Messianic overtones that elevate the movie to a higher level.

There is a scene in Left Behind where Kirk Cameron is filming fighter jets being blown out of the sky (by the wrath/grace of God/Antichrist?) and a Biblical dude wanders out from just off-camera and starts speaking to Kirk who understands him even though everyone else just hears Hebrew. The man’s costume rivals those of The Book of Mormon: The Movie (note: You must find and see The Book of Mormon: The Movie. It will truly blow your mind.) I’m pretty sure the Bible guy’s robes and fake beard were worn by the actor who played Jacob in a regional theatre production of Jason and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat that I was in. (I played the brother who sings in a French accent. Oh Lloyd Weber is there nothing you can’t do?) Anyway, the scene is truly one of the most laughable moments in movie history. Each time I have watched Left Behind (and I have watched it many times), I have had to go back and rewind it over and over again.

The Winner
If I were to tell you to see one of these movies it would be Starship Troopers. I love it, and I really do think it’s kind of brilliant. But Left Behind is just too damn hot in the post-season. It’s the type of movie I dreamed about reviewing when I started this thing. Cinderella shocks the world again and moves into the championship!