Final Four (Game 2)

The Saint vs. Mazes and Monsters

In many ways, this is even a better battle than the last game. The Saint is clearly the prohibitive favorite of this tournament (say, like UCONN) and Mazes and Monsters is a movie that some would say never should have been in the tournament in the first place (you know, like George Mason). In order to see who comes out on top let’s take a look at the two things that I believe set these films apart from the rest of the field: dialogue and pure absurdity.

Sir Thomas Moore vs. Pardieux (I have seen at least 8 spellings of this), A Holy Man
When Kilmer takes on the role of Sir Thomas Moore, a leather-pant clad-thousand-pounds-a-bottle-wine-swilling-philosophizing Brit, he delivers what may be one of the greatest monologues of all time. I have mentioned it in previous posts and I will surely mention it again in the future. From “I was weeping and I slipped,” to the incomprehensible moan at the end, it is pure perfection. You must also remember that this speech follows the line, “what are you doing?” said as Kilmer stares into a mirror and cuts a gash into his own head. Minutes later, Elisabeth Shue will speak the immortal, “Take off your pants—shirt,” and lapse into a high-pitched cackle. We can’t leave out non-Sir Thomas related quotes like “(Human) fly…don’t buzz off,” and “Do you know what the worst part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed.” Every piece of dialogue in this movie is utterly preposterous. When combined with Kilmer’s bizarre line-readings the words are very hard to beat.

What makes the dialogue in Mazes and Monsters so totally Grieco is its earnestness. While Kilmer seems to almost laugh his way through The Saint, Hanks and friends never waver when delivering decrees like “It is you Frelich. You have been restored to the living. Whoever did this is a great holy man,” or “Glacia, has someone placed a spell of forgetfulness on you?” They spout cut-rate Tolkien-speak and D&D declarations as though they are second (1st in Pardeux’s case) nature. From the moment they greet you (I am Pardue, a holy man. I walk with Glacia the Fighter) you know exactly what they are all about. In the hands of a truly gifted screenwriter and director Mazes and Monsters might have been able to achieve some sort of legendary status in the fantasy world, but with the dialogue they’re working with it’s pure GIK and better for it.

The Russian Underground vs. NYNY
It is all but impossible to single out the most absurd scene in The Saint. The entire film is an exercise in pure lunacy from the opening score to Roger Moore’s (the original “Saint”) closing voiceover. However, I would like to focus on a scene that begins in a Russian flop house and ends in the lair of a Russian mercenary-type. Kilmer is about to freeze to death because he has been hiding underwater to avoid detection from the techno-dance-beat-obsessed bad guy. In order to save him, Shue takes both her and his clothes off and lies on top of him. Kilmer then begins some delusional mumbling about how the dogs killed his childhood love. The bad guys are closing in, so our heroes have to move. Luckily, they are rescued by a woman called Frankie who deals in stolen art and revolution. The exchange between the three is equal parts insane rambling and bizarre product placement (Bulgari watch anyone?). From this scene, things just get crazier until the climax that still calls for a sequel, damnit! Why won’t they please make a freaking sequel? There’s three Fast and Furiestests for godsake.

The live Mazes and Monsters game in the abandoned caverns is pretty bold, but when Hanks, crazy as all hell, arrives in NY to complete his quest for the “Two Towers” we reach a whole new level. The NY in the movie could only have been envisioned by a Canadian, and Hanks’ insanity combined with the insanity of the homeless is just amazing. As are the increasingly powerful visions of the Great Hall, who is actually Hanks’ dead brother. Pardu’s agony/triumph/mental breakdown leads to an ending that sort of defies all logic. His rich friends who, by the way, would never be friends or play an RPG together in the real world, come to see Hanks at the home of his parents. He is still caught up in the fantasy, so they indulge him in one more game even though it has clearly ruined his life. Let’s take a look at an excerpt from the closing monologue, “And so we played the game again for one last time…We did not see the monsters. Pardoo saw the monsters…We saw nothing but the death of hope…”

The Winner
The Saint bullies Mazes and Monsters from the get-go, but just as you think the plucky gamers are about to die, their cleric summons a Phoenix spell and gets them right back in it. Let’s be honest, nine out of ten times The Saint mops the floor with Mazes and Monsters, but it’s tournament time, baby! Anything can happen. Mazes and Monsters, like George Mason before it, slays the mighty Frost Giant and moves into the final game. Pandemonium ensues and nerds from all over storm the floor, many of whom catch a whiff of “girl” for the first time in their lives.


Special thanks to the good people at www.spookylibrarians.com who are keepig the "Mazes" dream alive.