Grieco in 30 Seconds

When I was in theatre school our professors used to tell us that directors knew if they were going to cast us after only 30 seconds of our audition. This has always disturbed me because I feel like I don’t really tap in until at least the two or three-minute mark. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I was thinking about the 30-second rule last night, and I decided to see if it could be applied to our work here at GIK. I chose 5 movies that leapt out at me from the guide and tuned into each for half a minute. I came into all of them at random moments and created reviews based on what I saw. Some might call this a bold scientific experiment. Others might suggest that I got a little messed up on A Brave New World pills and just couldn’t focus long enough to actually watch an entire film. I leave the decision up to you.

Code Red: The Rubicon Conspiracy
Every time I think I have come up with the most ridiculous title and plot for a movie, the Sci-Fi channel proves me wrong. I tuned into a scene that could have been straight out of Predator if the alien didn’t look like his “armor” was made from a combination of catcher’s equipment and low-rent S&M gear. I caught two lines of dialogue: “This is getting weirder and weirder,” and “It’s the ship the cyborg arrived in.” Man, the glue the execs over at SciFi sniff must just be primo. (3 ½-Griecos)

Lost & Found
The moment I flipped over to this film, Sophie Marceau greeted David Spade and asked, “What are you all dressed up for?” Spade shockingly responded with, “Road trip.” I can only assume he and Marceau then hopped into a car in order to save an election or a factory or to find Spade’s estranged family. Along the way they probably ran into a band of crazy characters and Spade and his car suffered a series of humiliations. In the end, I’m pretty sure they saved the day and the two of them learned that despite their differences they really are good together. Then something wacky happened and the credits roled. Look, even if they don’t actually go on a trip of any kind, I just have the feeling that this movie totally sucks. (1-Grieco).

True Crime
Kevin Dillon and a bespectacled Alicia Silverstone sit around and devise some sort of plan for some kind of thing while vaguely noirish music plays. Then she says something like “I’m not pretty,” then he says “you’re beautiful,” and then they make out. I know absolutely nothing about this movie, but I’m going with 2-Griecos. It seems like one of those films that takes itself way too seriously, and Silverstone hasn’t turned in a decent performance since Clueless. And don’t even get me started on Kevin Dillon. Hanging out with that damn Adrian Grenier. Man, I hate that kid.

Striptease
What the hell is Burt Reynolds doing? Somebody, for the love of God, please tell me what the hell Burt Reynolds is doing. (3-Griecos)

The Chronicles of Riddick
I clicked over just as Vin Diesel started to battle these metal-clad warrior dudes who have Matrix-like moves. Not a single line of dialogue was spoken. It was totally awesome. The fact that I have not seen this movie just makes me sick. I feel as though I have let all of you down, but more importantly, I’ve let myself down. Like that time I dropped out of my Frisbee class in college because 9:30 AM was just too damn early. Frisbee class, y’all. (4-Griecos)

If any of you have seen the above films please weigh in with your opinions and let me know how close I got. See the ratings below if you’re new to the world of Grieco or if you just don't have what it takes to retain simple pieces of information.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.