I Could See Y'all if My Horizon Wasn't So Blind

Man, I heard about this burger that replaces the bun with two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. At first, I threw up in my mouth a little, but then I became really intrigued. I mean a burger donut. These truly are magical times in which we live.

Blind Horizon
I can’t really explain the sheer mess that is Blind Horizon, but I shall do my best. First, try to imagine a movie that was shot by a film student who wanted to make an episode of “24” in the style of Memento while he was watching old Metallica videos and thumbing through The Bourne Identity. Next, picture Kilmer in all his resplendent glory doing his most ridiculous work since The Saint. OK, got it? Here we go.

Kilmer wakes up in the desert. He has been shot in the head, and he can’t remember anything. However, apparently when Val was researching amnesia for the role he accidentally flipped the medical encyclopedia to the section on autism, because he’s kind of playing Rainman up there. Anyway, he ends up in a hospital where sexy bad girl nurse Amy “Varsity Blues/Butterfly Effect” Smart takes care of him. She smokes in the hospital and has awesome lines like, “You know what I wanna do one day? Travel. You ever been to New Guinea?” As Kilmer recovers, he is visited by small town sheriff Sam Shepard, and believe me there’s nothing better than seeing a great American playwright take third billing in a low-budget, cut-rate thriller. Pieces of the past come back to Kilmer, and he starts ranting about a plot to kill the President of the United States. He even has a part where he figures things out in front of the mirror, which is fantastic because it gives Kilmer a chance to work with his greatest scene partner. Eventually, Neve Campbell shows up with this ridiculous page boy haircut, claiming to be Kilmer’s fiancée. This kind of bums him out as he is clearly falling in love with Amy Smart. As a solution, he does it to them both. (note: At this point, the esteemed Ghost of Gene Siskel was heard to remark, “Man, Kilmer’s getting all kinds of trim in this picture.”) Now, there are times when Kilmer seems to be clairvoyant and there are other times when he appears to be in The Manchurian Candidate, but I don’t want to get into all that. He remembers a covert-op called Rhombus and “Four Days to Rhombus” pops up on the screen. After like 35 minutes of pure nonsense, “Three Days to Rhombus” popped up, and The Ghost and I knew we had made a terrible mistake. I could spend hours pointing out horrible misfires like the dramatic shots of a cowboy hat falling through the air as the wailing banshee cries of the kickass Machine Head score play in the background, the bizarre pointless cuts to a scary clown in a hospital, or any of the other David Lynch-inspired scenes that are far more evocative of “heady” soft-core porn than “Twin Peaks.” Although, I’m pretty sure there is a heady soft-core porn called "Twin Peaks" out there. Alright, let’s wrap it up. After a freakout monologue and a drunken tequila scene worthy of his Julliard training, Kilmer realizes he was the one who was supposed to kill the President all along. Well, no shit. We figured that out when there were still like four days to Rhombus. In the end, Kilmer saves the day, Shepard shakes his head in amused disbelief, Neve (who turns out to be a gov’t agent) gets killed, and Kilmer runs off with Smart. All that and Faye Dunnaway has a cameo.

You don’t so much watch Blind Horizon, you survive it. In fact, about half way through the movie the lovely Sherpa and Obadiah bailed on us to look at shoes in a magazine. There seem to be some great new looks this season, so get ready ladies. Now, it kills me to say this about a Kilmer movie, but I have to give it 1-Grieco (see ratings). Let’s face it. When catching a glimpse of Amy Smart’s boob is the best thing about a film, you’re in some serious trouble. That being said, I challenge you all to at least check out some of the work Kilmer is doing in this piece. I actually believe he is playing an elaborate joke on all of us. Like he thinks it's totally hilarious that people shell out hard cash just to watch him dick around on screen. It’s either that, or he has a wicked coke habit to support.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of “Full House” on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.