Showgirls vs. Left Behind

How many times must I be bested by Kev in the world of sports? I mean, the man doesn’t even really like basketball. Did you see that bullshit buzzer beater by UT? And the Duke game. Sweet Lord, the Duke game. Way to go out like a pro, J.J. Way to shoot 15% percent from the field, you fuck. Sorry. I’m sorry about that. It’s just gonna take a long time for me to get over this one.

Somehow, despite my anger, bewilderment, and crippling sadness, I have managed to move the GIK tournament forward. (special thanks to all of you who called or wrote with words of support.)

Showgirls
When I first saw Showgirls in the theater I was in college and a little less than with-it. While sitting in the AMC Grand (hell yeah 24 screens), I turned to my good friend Danny and asked, “Hey Danny. Who’s that Kyle MacLachlan wannabe?” Danny, gentle soul that he is, replied, “Dude. That’s Kyle MacLachlan.” I have never forgotten the sense of horror and shame I felt as I realized Special Agent Dale Cooper was getting it on with Jesse Spano up there in that pool. Believe me people, Showgirls has earned its reputation as one of the worst films ever made. The vomiting in the parking lot, the weird “I’m on my period” Alvin Ailey dance scene, the soft-core lesbian undertones, Gina Gershon’s bizarre southern accent, the ice cubes on the nipples, the sad excuse for extension the dancers display, and Robert Davi are just a few of the highlights. The dialogue is also borderline insane. And the heroine’s name is Nomi Malone. Nomi, people! Oh director Paul Verhoeven (remember him from Starship Troopers?) why do I love you so? Perhaps it’s because I can’t figure out if you’re a genius pulling off some Kilmer-style hoax or a sad middle-aged man who really just wants to direct porn and sleep with younger women. If you’re going to watch Showgirls (and you should watch it many, many times) do it right and get the Deluxe Special Edition (our copy is Sherpa’s, not mine). It comes with "pin the pasties on the stripper" and an elaborate drinking game that involves custom shot glasses and a deck of cards. It’ll really help you understand the film on a much deeper level.

Left Behind
This last-second tournament replacement has everything you want in a Christian propaganda film. There’s the Commodore 64 FX, the constant sermonizing, and Kirk Cameron. Yep. Good old Mike Seaver (now with his own shown on TBN) plays a “GNN” news anchor who is left behind (title plug) with all of the other sinners after the Rapture. He must then find Christ and lead a plucky band of former non-believers against the Antichrist. Leave it to those crazy Protestants to make the Antichrist a Russian dude called Nicolae Carpathia. The Catholics always make The Beast some sort of Brit, and that’s just not Red Dawn at all. Anyway, Kirk, his real-life wife, and some guy who I’m pretty sure was either in Flight of the Intruder or Best of the Best unravel the plot of the Antichrist and start to see him for who he really is. Well, the real-life wife actually remains a doubter, but I think she comes around or dies in one of the sequels (at times, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force is even better than Part I. Sadly, I have't seen Part III yet). I often try to think of a movie that is funnier than Left Behind, but I always fail. Look, I don’t want to get into who’s crazy or who made up what out of thin air, but come on. I’m pretty sure that even the believers will agree that the Kirk Cameron character does not make an appearance in the Book of Revelation (or The Book of Daniel, so back off prophecy whores). Left Behind is ridiculous in so many ways it’s amazing. And at the end of the movie (thanks for the copy BTS) Kirk comes on the screen and tells you (the select few who have received it in the mail) to spread the word about the film to your heathen friends, so people will flock to the theaters when it comes out. How’d that work out? Anybody know? You guys see this bad boy in the theater? In the end, it might not be as sexy as The Omega Code, but Left Behind is the most perfect representation of a particular genre that I have ever seen.

The Breakdown
Folks this one was a battle. Showgirls is a mega-power. It dominates in the paint and on the perimeter. However, it has a gratuitous rape scene, and anybody who knows me knows that I just can’t stand gratuitous rape scenes. Left Behind has the Lord and my love of all things preachy on its side, and that’s how it pulled off the shocking upset. That’s right. The #4 seed is moving onto the second round. That’s why they call it Grieco Madness, baby!

Fucking LSU