The Dreams of Dylan McKay

So I’ve gotten way back into 90210 reruns. They’re kind of the only thing getting me through the work week at this point. I watch two episodes a day, but I fast-forward any scene that Andrea is in and any scene where Jamie “How Do You Talk to an Angel” Walters picks up his guitar, so it only takes me about an hour to knock out both. Anyway, I’m immersed in the Brenda’s-gone-but-sweet-Kelly-Kapowski-has-come-to-take-her-place-
only-she's-not-sweet-but-kind-of-evil episodes. You know, where Brandon is always talking about the “task force” and Steve looks like he’s 45. Anyway, I just saw what might be the most ridiculous piece of television ever created. Dylan has turned to booze, tits (Tiffany Amber’s) and speed balls to cope with the fact that his dad blew up in a car and the people he thought were his family (dead dad’s ex-lover and Dylan's half-sister) were actually grifters and they convinced him to put all of his money into an environmental science venture, but then they actually robbed him of his millions and headed out of the country. So, Dylan does a little coke and a little horse and drives his car off a cliff. That brings us to the episode that we need to talk about.

“The Dreams of Dylan McKay”
Dylan is in a coma and the director just watched a David Lynch movie. This “dreamscape” episode will give you more laughs than even the finest comedy. They want it to have the feel of "Twin Peaks," but it kind of comes off like this psychological softcore I once caught where this girl experiences a sexual awakening in the moments of her death and nothing is what it seems. Anyway, the dialogue is amazing, and the bold attempts at surrealism (e.g., midget in a costume, drug dealer in the hellmouth, doctors and nurses in pseudo fetish gear) are more Grieco than Grieco. It’s almost impossible to make it through the entire episode even when you do fast-forward Andrea (who,by the way, makes Steve look youthful), but if you come across it you should definitely give it a shot. I know it’s TV, but I’m giving it 3 ½-Griecos.

Happy Birthday BTS!

Friday is BTS' birthday. He, like myself, has now reached the age of 30. Sure, we're both doing well in our older age, but we shant sleep until Shrift, our Goth-rave-double-crucifixion-laden retlelling of Footloose comes to the big screen and takes the world by storm. Anyway, in honor of BTS, I am reposting the final game of the first-ever Grieco March Madness tournament, which BTS won. Happy Birthday, dude.

Mazes and Monsters vs. Left Behind

What a long strange Grieco it’s been. We have finally made it to the championship and things have turned out a bit differently than I thought they would, which is kind of strange because, you know, I pick who wins. Anyway, the #1 and #2 seeds have all fallen by the wayside, leaving us with a head-to-head battle between (3)Mazes and Monsters from the Boxleitner Bracket and (4)Left Behind from the Voight Bracket. Both films have proven time and time again that they have what it takes to win it all. In order to decide who walks away with the trophy I now turn my focus to an aspect of the films that has not been fully explored: the supporting casts.

Upper-crust Gamers vs. A Man Called Carpathia
We already know about Tommy Hanks and Kirk "Big Baby" Cameron. Both have lead their films to the final game and both have earned a spot in the GIK Hall of Fame (to be housed in Des Plaines, IL). That brings us to the rest of the players.The fact that the Hamptons-dwelling Ivy League types in Mazes and Monsters even play "Mazes and Monsters" makes them an intriguing bunch. Each brings his or her own take on what it is to be a Frenetic, a Holy Man, a “Maze Controller,” or a Fighter. The standout of the group is Frelich (Chris Makepeace of My Bodyguard fame) who, in the so-called real world, wears a different wacky hat in almost every scene and tries to kill himself. It is Frelich who leads the group to the abandoned mines, it is Frelich who comes up with the costumes from the theatre department, and it is Frelich who brings the embodiment of a Gorvil to life through his imagination and some clever lighting. In fact, in the beginning you kind of think Frelich is the one who’s gonna go batshit crazy. Now, we’ve talked about the way the gamers deliver their lines in that earnest fashion, but I have to admit at times there is a weird feeling as though they (Frelich included) might just give up the gaming and start getting it on with each other in some sort of bizarre staged reading of the as yet un-produced, Magik: A Sexy Gathering.

The whole underground revolutionary group that’s trying to bring down the Antichrist in Left Behind is top-rate. There’s the pilot whose whole family (minus his angry daughter) got taken up to heaven, but he didn’t because he was banging a stewardess (Kirk’s real-life wife) who is now going to work for the U.N. There’s the hypocrite preacher, and there's the hot girl who’s real sweet and knows a lot about computers but wasn’t saved because she has pagan tattoos and is obviously way into sex. However, it is the Cold-War-style Nicolae Carpathia who truly elevates the film. He oozes evil and communism and that’s totally what you want from the guy who will bring Hell to the world until, you know, “He cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen,” or something like that. Carpathia has the cold stare and charming smile of the Son of Lucifer. I mean, he’s so cool I’m pretty sure that more than one young Christian has caught himself rooting for The Beast.

The Winner
This is it, y’all. We’re finally here. Mazes and Monsters has captured the hearts and minds of many a GIK reader. Some would even say that the commissioner has developed a bias for this bold piece that tries its best to make nerds (rich or otherwise) look like freaked-out mental cases who want so desperately to be included that they’ll immerse themselves completely in a world of fantasy. However, their HP has hit 0 and their Level 4 Druid’s got nothing left in his pouch. The polyhedron die rolls no more! Left Behind is just perfect in every way. It’s structure, FX, acting, and design want so badly to be a mega-hit. You can almost hear the director arguing with himself as he debates whether or not to throw in some witty line like “Suck on that, Antichrist,” only to accept at the last minute that he isn’t making a Hollywood picture, he's making an anti-Hollywood picture. Left Behind, ignored in the original bracket, resurrects itself to become the first ever GIK tournament champion! That's right baby! You left Mr. Cameron open on the outside and he knocked down the key threes all night! I'm talkin to you Rona Jaffe! Your kids' fantasy novel was good but you couldn't hold off the Lord! That young man's a real diaper dandy and if he stays in school he's gonna be cutting down a lot of nets!Congratulations to Kirk and the gang, and thanks to all of you who have stuck with this thing over the last two weeks.

I miss Phil Hartman, y'all.

Man, they started showing reruns of "News Radio" (one of the greatest shows of all time) on Nick at Nite, and one of the episodes I watched last night was the one where John Ritter comes to the station as Dr. Frank. It made me sad. I've never really gotten over the Phil Hartman thing, and Ritter is a genius in my book. I don't know. It just sucks. If anyone has a specific episode of "News Radio," "SNL," or "Three's Company" that they belive highlights the comic gifts of these two men, I'd love to chat about them, or if there's a movie out there that I've missed starring one or the other or both please let me know.

On a Grieco note: I'm trying to get work in order and then I shall make yet another triumphant return to the world of brilliant cinema.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

Just a quick note that has nothing to do with Grieco or bad movies. Some of you might be interested to know that after many years "Pinky and the Brain" and "Animaniacs" are coming out on DVD tomorrow. I don't know how you feel about these shows, but the episode of "Pinky and the Brain" in which Pinky designs shiny pants in order to bring the world closer together is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on television. If you never watched them when you were too old to be watching them anyway, you should check them out now. There are far too few cartoons about the quest for world domination these days.

Real Dragons, Bro. Real Dragons

If you’re a regular GIK reader you know that I’m a big fan of dragon pictures. I’ve delved into the lore of the mighty beast of yore by reviewing such films as Darkest Knight and Dragonslayer, and Reign of Fire is secretly one of my favorite movies. But my friends I do believe I may have just seen the boldest dragon film of all time. A masterpiece that leaves the others lying in a heap of tarnished gold much like the one that ancient Smaug did lord over.

Dragon’s World: A Fantasy Made Real
The lovely Sherpa surprised me with this gem, having sneaked it on to our Netflix list without me knowing, and thank Odin she did. Dragon’s World was made for animal planet and it’s set up as a documentary (actually two interconnected documentaries) that presupposes the existence of dragons. One of the documentaries is basically “Walking with Dragons.” It uses the same effects as the “Walking with Dinosaurs,” “Walking with Humans,” “Walking with Pants,” etc. This portion of the film follows the evolution of the dragon from prehistoric times to the middle ages. It starts with a scene of a dragon battling a T. Rex, which is pretty much like every dream I had when I was seven. It then explains how the dragon survived the catastrophic event that killed the dinosaurs (there was a water dragon, y’all). After that, it follows the dragon’s reemergence in Asia and its eventual noble last stand against some honorless knights in the Romanian Mountains.

Now, the Walking with Dragons-type piece is intercut with a documentary about a modern day hipster paleontologist who is the laughingstock of the scientific community because he believes in dragons. Well, wouldn’t you know that a strange carcass shows up in the mountains of Romania and he flies off to check it out. Of course, it’s the skeleton of a dragon, and he eventually finds a dragon’s nest, or lair if you will, and discovers the remains of the mighty female dragon that has become the protagonist of the other documentary (note: the “Walking with” portion of the film is narrated by Ian Holm. That’s Bilbo, bitches.)

This piece is awesome. I mean it has all of these pseudoscientific explanations as to why the dragon could fly and breathe fire, and to one who wants to believe they sound totally plausible. I imagine to an objective viewer they sound ridiculous, but screw objective viewers, I’m talking about freaking dragons. I do, however, wish one of the explanations would have been “it could fly because it was effing magick y’all,” but somehow that must have ended up on the cutting room floor. I’m still giving this movie or special or whatever it is 4-Griecos, though. Seriously, you have to see it. Oh, and they totally hint that dragons might still be out there. Chip Chip!

The Return of Clubber

I shit you not. Rocky and Clubber have returned. One shall step back into the ring and the other shall commentate. If you haven't watched the trailer for Rocky Balboa (clever title), you must do so immediately.

Pants!

I had a chance to sip free cola and eat free BBQ at a bold corporate music event last night. Some doucebag won $20,000 for writing a song that I'm pretty sure one of my cats could bang out, and the featured guest of the evening, Macy Gray, didn't show. I imagine she was wandering the streets of Austin, desperate to get her hands on some crack and potato salad. Anyway, she wasn't missed, for a band called Pants from the noble state of North Carolina did fill the mighty hall with purest metal. Yes, a friend that I've known since first grade is in the band, but that kinship did not sway my opinion. Pants' "Pants: A Rock Opera" simply kicks ass. To quote my aforementioned friend, "The rock is pure danger." Even if the ancient art of turning base music into gold is lost on you, you must check out Pants. Seriously, they trotted out a bald, tatooed Monk character who can totally wail in front of a middle-aged corporate crowd, and they have a song about the fearsome Double Snake, a creature that is too terrifying even to discuss, because it's like two snakes. It was awesome. Listen for yourself at http://pantsrocks.com/

Pants promo photo is taken from pantsrocks.com and is subject to copyright.

The Dreaded Re-run

The year is more than half over and I'm trying to adjust to my new work schedule, so I thought it would be a good time to look back at the predictions I made at the beginning of the year to see how I was doing. Just so you know, Ocean's 13 is in pre-production and a shark kind of flies in that stupid Uma Thurman super ex-girlfriend movie. The Cubs...well that's another story. Oh, and in my humble opinion, I think if you missed the last GIK post you missed a pretty good one, so check it out.

2006: Year of the Grieco
When I arrived in my hometown of Dallas for Christmas I realized that I hadn’t gotten enough presents for my friends and family. In a last minute effort to rectify the situation I drove my sweet-ass Hyundai to what I’m fairly sure is the largest Tom Thumb in the world. After grabbing various gift cards, several “holiday” bags of Cheetohs, and a nutcracker that does the running man I headed to the checkout line. While the woman in front of me complained about how she just couldn’t find Steak-ums anymore, I perused the tabloids as I am wont to do. All of the best ones (those in black & white) were offering their predictions for the coming year. There are too many forecasts to cover, but let’s just say you, me, and the world’s fattest baby are in for some serious stuff in ’06.

Reading these predictions made me realize that for too long I have neglected the one-hour training I received from some guy in Louisiana when I got my telephone psychic job. I decided to give my powers of prognostication a workout and to do my best to make the actress who played Miss Cleo proud. Wait. Kids, I’m only joking. There really is a Miss Cleo, and on one special night each year she dresses up in a quasi-Jamaican accent and tells all the good boys and girls who have lovers in prison, a fear of dying alone, or an unquenchable thirst for Pop-Tarts and Robitussin exactly what they need to do to make everything OK. Whew! That was close. I would never forgive myself if I ruined things for the little ones. Anyway, without further Grieco, here are my predictions for the New Year.

1. It will finally be revealed that Sarah Jessica Parker is actually that nerdy dude who plays Mitch in Real Genius.

2. My prayers will be answered and Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe, and Eva Longoria will be sucked into a worm hole and deposited on a planet where drunken louts, overrated boorish Aussies, and photo-op whores are forced to work as production assistants on a straight-to-video re-imagining of Godspell.

3. In fulfillment of Prophecy, Grieco’s post-apocalyptic wasteland zombie picture, Raiders of the Damned, will shock the world and break all previous opening weekend box office records.

4. Dako Fa-Fa will raise an army of super-intelligent spider monkeys bent on world domination. She’ll also take on the role of a 12 year-old Eleanor Roosevelt in a life-spanning biopic that will also star Charlize Theron and Shirley MacLaine. All three women will be simply delightful in the film.

5. Sharks will take to the sky.

6. The Cruise-Holmes baby will be born and it’s ability to manipulate both time and space will make us all feel bad for doubting Scientology luminaries like Vinnie Barbarino, Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, and that chick who played Dharma.

7. Ocean’s 13 will go into production, but the level of self-satisfaction and masturbatory filmmaking involved will actually cause Soderbergh and the entire cast (except Don Cheadle) to explode in a brilliant display over Clooney’s Lake Como villa.

8. The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.

9. Special Agent Dale Cooper will get out of the Black Lodge

10. You, gentle reader, will pass this post onto ten of your friends, thus keeping the chain alive. After all, Chet Dinkins of Missouri failed to pass this post on in the allotted time and three days later he found himself working in a call center selling radio ads disguised as PSAs to people who despised him from the moment they heard his voice, while the middle-aged women in the ½-cubicles next to him showed each other the shirts they had made with iron-on pictures of their cats and the guy across the aisle talked about how the community bathroom in the men’s boarding house he lived in was a great place to practice his singing even though it reeked of month-old urine. OK, that was totally me. I had that job in Chicago. There is no Chet Dinkins. But still, if you could pass this on to even like one or two people it would totally help me out, because Burning Man is coming up and I really need something nice to wear.

Thank Grieco It's Friday

So, I’ve returned to the regular workforce. It was a sad day, but my current situation has driven me to leave the house and join the rest of the world in long commutes and fluorescent lighting. Truth be told, it’s a pretty cool job, and very soon it will be a part-time gig, so I’ll still get to spend a few days a week working in my robe. But it took me only two full days in the office to remember how tired the whole real job thing makes me. By the time 11:00 rolled around on Friday night I was exhausted. I took the opportunity to sip on some magic juice, recline on the couch, and settle in for a weekend fit for a fifty year-old. Then, something beautiful happened. As I scanned through various channels, I came upon the Lifetime Movie Network, and I (along with the lovely Sherpa) was able to catch the last half-hour of a Grieco piece I didn’t even know existed.

It was Him or Us
We were thrust right into the action. A sweaty, semi-bloated Grieco is holding his ex-girlfriend and her parents (the mom is played by Anne Jillian) hostage at gunpoint. As he swigs from a non-descript bottle of booze and sniffs continually as though he’s just dying for some coke, Grieco alternates between moments of quiet rage and moments of yelling rage. Seriously, the switch between the two happens on like every line, so Grieco looks kind of like a maniac and kind of like he was giving the director two different takes on the character to choose from, but the director just decided to combine them. As Grieco berates his ex for cheating on him or pretending to cheat on him (it got a little confusing), he wears his sleeveless vest thing with pride and sports eyebrows that are clearly not of this world. Amidst the profuse sweating and stumbling around the house for no apparent reason, Grieco shouts lines like “I’m not stupid!” and “I’m not dense!” with the force of fallen star. As subtlety gets murdered inside the home, the police negotiator tries to talk Grieco down from the outside. (note: one of the cops or something is played by Will Wheaton. The unstoppable Grieco/Wheaton combination would resurface later in a little film I like to call Book of Days.) Anyway, the negotiator brings Grieco’s mom in to try and talk him down, and this makes Grieco start saying all of his lines like a little kid. It’s fucking awesome. OK, so Grieco drops the ex’s dad by whacking him over the head with a rifle, thus raising the stakes and making it imperative for the family to escape and take the old man to the hospital. While the ex-girlfriend distracts Grieco, Ann Jillian climbs through a hole in the basement ceiling, fights through some serious editing problems, gets out of the house, sneaks back into the room where she keeps her .22, and moves in on Grieco who is yelling to the ex, “Our love can’t survive this universe. We’ll be together in another universe!” Ann Jillian then has a sweet slow-mo entrance, and as Grieco turns to see her, she kills him, because…you know…it was him or us.

I can only assume that Acts I and II of this picture are as totally Grieco as Act III. I know I mentioned the man’s eyebrows already, but they’re really doing the work up there, and one of Ann Jillian’s kids who escapes to the outside before the shit goes down is played by little Virgin Camden from “7^th Heaven” sporting a wicked mullet. As you know, if Grieco appears in a film it automatically gets an extra 1 ½-Griecos. Now, I don’t feel right judging the entire movie, not having seen how Grieco came to have a rifle, a pistol he holds sideways, and a few hostages, but I do feel comfortable giving the final 30 minutes of It was Him or Us 4-Griecos (see ratings).

Next Friday, if work has beat you down, flip on the old Lifetime Movie Network, you might just be pleasantly surprised. I mean, y’all need to learn more about a woman who was lured into having an affair by a charming older man only to find out that he was married and secretly hated retarded children, so to get even she took up a post as a crossing guard at the school where his daughter went and tempted the child with lollipops and moonbeams and then kidnapped her, demanding that her father publicly humiliate himself by stating in a court of law that he was both an adulterer and a hater of the mentally challenged, but in the end she learns that she doesn’t need to get even to be strong, she only needs herself… she only needs herself, y’all.

Happy ID4!

Dear World,

I hope everyone had a great holiday celebrating our victory over the invading aliens. Things looked bleak in those days of battle, but thanks to our former-war hero Amercian President, a hip street-smart scientist, a drunken lout, a fast-talikng pilot, a variety of stereotypes, and some really bad dialogue, victory was ours!

Let us not forget those who fell in this war against the aliens that kind of look like a hybrid of the alien from Alien and the Predator from Predator, but look nothing like the aliens from Alien vs. Predator (AVP if you're nasty). Yes, we lost many along the way: the gay Jewish man who seemed to encapsulate both of the those noble groups with his sheer subtlety; the pseudo-hippy-flower-child who welcomed the aliens (and starred in "Saved by the Bell: The College Years") only to be destroyed atop the Los Angeles skyline; and the First Lady, who before she died, passed on some comforting words to the lovely stripper who will make the aformentioned cocksure pilot a heck of a wife.

We must now remain focused on the goals ahead and guard ourselves against further attacks from these aliens in a sequel that I can't believe hasn't been made. Seriously, it seemed like a no-brainer, but I guess Hollywood was more concerned with chronicling Riddick and breaking back mountains. However, the threat of future alien attacks is always present, and therefore we must never drop our guard or take our liberty for granted, for if we do, the aliens have already won.

#5

Oh My Goth!

The Craft
I caught the last half of The Craft on TV last night. It’s a movie I’ve seen several times, but for some reason I haven’t yet given it it’s proper GIK due. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this piece of ‘90s history, it follows a coven of California teenage witches doing their best to set themselves apart from those damn preppies and to wear black stockings under black shorts with floor-length black cape/jackets and way too much makeup on their faces. Three of them have been doing pretty well achieving these tasks, but they don’t really get serious until our heroine Robin Tunney shows up. Turns out, her dead mama was a witch, and she’s got natural powers that go far beyond the crap the other girls learned from books. Seizing the opportunity, the leader of the Coven (the always slightly terrifying/somewhat more terrifying Fairuza Balk) brings Tunney into the circle and invokes some ancient Pagan god that Sherpa assures me is not found in any of the Wicca books she read while listening to the works of Robert Smith and Mr. Martin L. Gore in high school. Anyway, with the aid of this spirit, Fairuza becomes wicked powerful and wicked wicked, killing poor Skeet Ulrich along the way. In the end, Tunney must overcome her fears, accept her power as a witch, invoke the Spirit on her own, and take down Fairuza. She does, and all is happy again.

Now, I have enjoyed The Craft every time I’ve watched it. Most of all because it’s like a contest of bad acting. Seriously, someone will come on the screen, and the next person to enter seems to say, “Please. You thought that was bad. Watch this shit that I’m bringing to the table.” Everyone is so horrendous it’s hard to choose a winner. Neve Campbell (as one of the witches) has this scene where she keeps asking the Spirit (Maintenant, perhaps?) to “take my scars” over and over, and it’s just hilarious. Even the vaguely Portuguese woman who runs the candle/sacred feminine-laden magic shop is just simply awful in her two scenes. Seriously, people are so bad, that young Skeet comes off looking like a star even though he clearly sucks. In the end, though, the true contest appropriately boils down to protagonist and antagonist. The lockjaw-mumbling-I’m-not-gonna-look-at-anybody charm of Tunney vs. the I’ll-chew-up-this-freaking-couch-and-then-I’ll-rip-your-dick-off-with-my-eyes bravura display of Balk. It’s really hard to decide. We reached the point where we thought whichever one was speaking at the time was truly the worst. However, when all was said and done I had to give it to Balk, because her final freak-out in the mental institution kind of blows everything else away. Congrats Fairuza, you’re a champ. (note: This isn’t the first time Fairuza has played a witch. As a child, she appeared as the titular character in The Worst Witch alongside Tim Curry and TV’s Mrs. Garrett. JK Rowling clearly stole the plot of this film for her so-called “Harry Potter” series.)

I’m giving The Craft 3-Griecos (see ratings). It makes me happy, and I don’t know why, and that makes me even happier. I suggest watching it with a former Goth kid, so she can point out all of the inaccuracies when the girls “call the corners,” use their little knives, and do other stuff to make their daddies mad.

Ode to a Fallen Mustang

If you haven't already heard, Aaron Spelling died this week. Not only was Mr. Spelling a Dallas native and a fellow SMU Mustang, he was responsible for the majority of entertainment I have enjoyed in my life: "Charlie's Angels," "Dynasty," "Hart to Hart," "90210," and the greatest nightime soap of all time "Melrose Place" (you may remember that Melrose's Billy was an SMU grad on the show). Because of Mr. Spelling, the illustrious Kev and I had a chance to fly out to LA for free, stay in a ridiculous hotel, and meet the "Models Inc." girls at Universal Studios, and while he may not have been directly involved with "Saved by the Bell," you know he was partly responsible for bringing what is perhaps the most important pop culture mainstay of mine (and Kev's) life to TV. I'm not very good at sounding serious, so I'll let two people who actually knew the man sum it up:

"'He was undoubtedly the greatest producer of popular television during the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s," Joan Collins, who starred in the producer's hit "Dynasty," said Monday. "'I shall always be grateful to him for insisting I play the role of Alexis Carrington on `Dynasty.'"

Heather Locklear, star of Spelling's "Melrose Place," said Monday she was sad to hear of Spelling's death, adding: "'He called me his lucky penny (because Spelling shows she was in were hits) but I am the lucky one because he graced me with his encouragement and talent.'"
(From Forbes.com)

In honor of Aaron Spelling, I suggest that you all scan the Soap Network and catch a rerun of "Melrose," or relive the beauty that is Brenda and Dylan. If not, go rent "T.J. Hooker." It'll blow your mind.

RIP

Buena Park

There reached a point when I was living in Chicago when everyday became pretty much exactly the same as the one before. I was unemployed at the time, and it wasn’t one of those I’m-really-excitied-and-optimistic-about-the-prospect-of-finding-a-new-job kinds of unemployment. It was more like an I-can’t-believe-I-couldn’t-get-a-job-working-the-front-counter-at-a-fucking-cleaners kind of unemployment. If you’ve never been there, I’ll try to illuminate the situation. You reach the point where you get beaten down so much that you basically give up and you start to revel in the unemployed lifestyle. Sure, you’re totally broke and a little bit suicidal, but you know that regardless of what happens during the day, you don’t have to do a damn thing, and that’s comforting. Anyway, my days during this period (and this was a very long period) began at around 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon. I had started going to bed at 9:00 AM, so things got turned around pretty quickly. I would start the day by looking through the “help wanted” sections of the papers and circling jobs that I had absolutely no intention of following up on. Then my mom would call, and I’d tell her I had some good prospects. Then, if it wasn’t too late I’d try to catch the last couple of innings of the Cubs day game. A couple days of the week, my friends would stop by to make sure I hadn’t gone completely insane, but you know they had to work and be a part of humanity and stuff, so there were many nights I didn’t see anyone. I’d head out on my nightly quest for pizza (sweet Bojonno’s) and porn. Yep, ‘cause no matter how broke you are, you can always dig up money for a slice and some porn. Well, one of these nights as I walked home with pizza in my hand and adult entertainment shamefully hidden in my backpack, I was stopped when I got to my street. One look at the guy’s neck and his white polo-style shirt told me he was a security guard. At first, I thought they had outlawed porn and they’d finally caught up with me. Pissed that I would be going to jail and that I would never know how the intriguing “H.R. Muff n’ Stuff” series would turn out, I thought about making a run for it. Then, I pulled myself together and remembered that security guards can’t arrest you for porn. Except perhaps in Arkansas. God, I hate that state.

“Where you goin’?” The security guard asked.
“Home,” I said.
“Where’s that?”

I pointed to my sweet pad down the street, and he nodded as if to give me permission to continue walking. He then proceeded to follow me to the door of my apartment building. As I walked, I noticed trucks filled with lights, dudes running chords everywhere, and a crafts service station. Then I remembered, they were filming Dragonfly on my block and sweet Kevy Costner was only a few doors away.

Dragonfly
Dragonfly starts out with a heavy Mothman feel. Costner’s pregnant wife dies while trying to bring some much needed doctorin’ to the needy and the indigenous tribes of somewhere in South America, and her body is never found. Costner, a doctor too, starts receiving messages from beyond via his wife’s former-children-cancer-patients-who-have-had-near-death- experiences. These spunky dying little ones, it seems, cross over on a regular basis, and when they return from the Other Side to their beds in a made up Chicago hospital they start drawing strange pictures (sadly not of a mothman) and telling Costner that his wife needs to speak to him. Meanwhile, Costner starts losing his mind back in my old neighborhood. Kathy Bates (go SMU Mustangs!) tries to help him with her wisdom and bizarre haircut, but nothing seems to work. Not even the parrot he lives with can help him out. Some creepy stuff kind of happens, but it’s never really creepy enough. Eventually, Costner meets up with a nun who knows what’s what. The nun is played by the incomparable Linda Hunt, whom you may remember as Ilsa Grunt in a picture I like to call If Looks Could Kill starring Richard effing Grieco. Anyway, eventually with the help of the nun and some of his rafting buddies, Costner tracks down the place where his wife died, and a spirit-vision he has as he’s drowning leads him to the the village of an ancient tribe where he finds….wait for it…his daughter. Yep, the tribe saved the unborn baby from its mother’s womb and raised it until her dead spirit could lead Costner back to it. Just take a second for that to sink in. OK. Got it? You know, I should’ve seen it coming, but I told by myself no way are they going to trot the freaking baby out. Maybe his wife’s body, or some dragonfly bullshit, because his wife had a dragonfly-shaped birthmark don't you know, but the baby? Please. I can’t even---goddamnit how does this crap get made?!

Sorry. While Dragonfly does have the gaping plot holes of The Mothman Prophecies, it lacks Indrid Cold, and without Indrid what’s the point? Oh, and it’s not scary at all, unless you’re kind of freaked out by parrots, which I kind of am because, you know, they can talk. Anyway, I’m giving it 2-Griecos (see ratings). The ending is so ridiculous it almost makes the movie worth watching, but unfortunately Costner’s not as bas as he usually is (of course he’s not good either), so it’s kind of disappointing. Ultimately, I'm giving the movie an extra 1/2-Grieco because it made me miss Chicago’s Buena Park neighborhood, and I didn’t think anything could ever do that. Go Cubs, and give my love to the lady who smells of piss and wears black lipstick all over her face.

The Funniest Movie Ever Made

It’s not often that I go to a theater and laugh my ass off for almost the entire length of the movie. Even some of the best comedies struggle at times. However, this weekend I got a chance to see what I believe might be the funniest film ever.

Tokyo Drift
Your refusal to drift disgusts me. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. You’re out on the road driving mommy’s precious car, and you’re not even thinking about drifting. You’re a fucking coward.

Open on Lucas Black of Friday Night Lights/Sling Blade/Fight the Future fame. He’s an outcast; A poor kid in a rich kid’s world. Only way to handle it is to drag race against the kid who played the oldest son on that Tim Allen show whose title eludes me for some reason. Oh that’s right, ‘cause it totally sucked ball. Anyway, Lucas is racing against this once and future douchebag for a date with the bag’s girl. Seriously, after some talk about racing for “pinks,” the girl says “why don’t you race for me?” After some cars are totaled and this house that’s under construction gets destroyed, Lucas gets shipped off to Tokyo to stay with his estranged Navy officer dad. Within one day of being in Tokyo, Lucas meets Bow-Wow (no longer so l'il), a hot chick of questionable ethnic lineage, and a detached Japanese/American mentor who gives Lucas his prized car to race against the nephew of famed Yakuza boss. The problem is, Lucas can’t drift, and apparently if you can’t drift in Japan you’re screwed, because all of the roads are just crazy. After Lucas destroys the mentor’s car, the mentor takes the young yank under his wing and teaches him how to drift, and more importantly, how to live…man. Anyway, turns out the hot vaguely Hispanic/Australian girl is the girlfriend of the Yakuza nephew, and when Lucas tries to make his move, all hell breaks loose. Eventually, the mentor, who is screwing the Yakuza over, gets killed by the nephew in a twenty-minute down and dirty drift-fest/chase/explosion. It’s pretty awesome. Then, the nephew comes after little Lucas, but to settle things and to avoid the mistakes of his father, Lucas faces his problems and, meets with the Yakuza boss, and asks the old man to sanction a race that will send the loser (either Lucas or the nephew) away from Tokyo forever. Impressed by the white kid’s moxie, the Yakuza boss agrees. Lucas borrows a car that his dad was working on, you know an old beat up model that had “potential,” tricks it out with some fine product placement parts, and prepares to race on a mountainside that requires insane drifting skills. However, like the K-12 in Better Off Dead, only one man has ever successfully drifted the mountain. Yep, the nephew. Well, another bold race ensues, the nephew survives a horrific tumbling off of the mountainside, and Lucas drifts to victory becoming the new drift hero of Tokyo and reconnecting with his dad in the process. Then, as he lords over the underground drift scene he is challenged to a race by Vin Diesel, making a strained and awkward cameo. Credits.

What can I say? I loved this picture. I didn’t even hit on the fact that Lucas, for some reason, goes to a high school where only Japanese is spoken by the teachers even though he doesn’t speak Japanese and there are like fifty American schools in Tokyo, or any of the dance party-intercut-with-drifting montages.

Tokyo Drift has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. Now, I know I’m a lover of hyperbole, but I have gone over all of the shitty movies (yes, even the ones on SciFi) that I've watched, and I can’t think of one that has worse dialogue. Like every other line is “there’s an old Japanese saying…” You will laugh out loud many times simply when these kids open their mouths. My only problem with the movie is that there isn’t enough racing. Act II devolves into this terrible love story, which is hilarious, and there’s a sexy night-drifting scene, but come on. I want to see Japanese hipsters racing and doing insane drifting donuts around some sort of sentient robot billboard that simultaneously sells cola and panties. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so. Despite my need for more, Tokyo Drift delivered, and I want everybody to see it. I’m giving it 3 ¼-Griecos (see ratings). It’s a bold new rating for a bold new picture. I would’ve given it 3 ½, but there’s an implied rape scene, and while that’s not as bad as a gratuitous rape scene, it’s still king of gratuitous. But it doesn’t alter my opinion that this is probably the most important film of the summer.

DTLMF!

(note: poor Obidiah got dragged to this movie by TGOGS and me and had a very different opinion. I eagerly await her response.)

A Sexy New Grieco

I'm back, y'all. There was a time when I cared about telling the public about the works of Grieco and other films that almost defy description. Well, that time is here again. No longer will the people waste away in the darkness as films such as Raptor Island and Schindler's List go unwatched. OK, Schindler's List is still totally going unwatched. I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing it. Anyway, I know change can be scary, so please take today to get used to the new look of GIK. There are some new links that you should check out, as well. The Grieco fansite is fantastic and "Monkey Chow Diaries" has already inspired an up-and-coming GIK entry. I'm sorry I've neglected the site, and you, my fellow warriors, for so long. I ask for your forgiveness, and I swear it will never happen again.

Thanks to Sherpa for all of her help with the makeover, both of the site and of my soul. Oh man, I love prescription cough syrup.

Under Construction

I realize that GIK hasn't been the same in a while. There are fewer posts and almost no movie reviews. Well, it's because I've been spending way too much time on my "real" jobs. That's gonna change, my friends. I'm getting rid of one of my real jobs, and focusing up on Grieco once again. In the coming days, look for some bold changes to GIK and for some bold pieces. I intend to to tug at your heart...and your mind. Also, I still have to watch Abominable. Can you believe I haven't checked that shit out yet? Disgraceful.

Go Mavs! (They're gonna get it back together.)

Take 'em in 5

I'm too angry about the Mavs game to talk about Grieco. Even basketball related Grieco type films such as The 6th Man starring Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne, not Dwayne Wade) as some sort of ghost who leads a team to victory won't help. I'll be back tomorrow. Go Mavs. Avenge me.

Sweet Winnie Cooper

I caught about the last five minutes of a SciFi channel piece entitled Path of Destruction. From the description on my guide and the various fake newscasts that occur at the end of the picture, I gathered that it invoves some sort of cloud of nanotechnology that takes on a life of its own and sets out to destroy Mankind. You know how nanotechnology is; always hellbent on one thing or another. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of the ragtag band of would-be warriors doing battle with the evil cloud, and the main one was a spunky young newswoman played by Danica McKellar. That's right. Winnie Cooper. Now, "West Wing" fans were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of little Winnie all grown up, but if you're looking for another way to relive your childhood fantasy of comforting sweet Winnie out in the woods after she gets the news about her brother dying in 'Nam, check out Path of Destruction. Look, I only saw five minutes, but I guarantee it's a 3-Grieco (see ratings) film. I mean, there's a cloud of nanotechnology wreaking havoc on the planet. That's good stuff, y'all. Oh, and in real life, Danica McKellar discovered some sort of math theorem or something, and that's just totally effing hot.

Interview With a Grieco

I’ve been thinking about the perfect way to celebrate reaching 100 posts. I thought maybe I could go back and watch some of the earlier GIK films to see if they still hold up, but I realized that that would involve all kinds of Julia Stiles and I just can’t put myself through that. Then, I thought about coming up with a list of the 100 worst movies of all time. But if GIK has taught me anything, it’s that there are so many horrible movies I’ve yet to discover, so the list would be incomplete. Finally, I realized that the best way to celebrate 100 posts of Grieco was to celebrate the man himself. Sure, I could have done some research to find out about his life, but I have no interest in timelines. I want to get to the heart of Grieco, and the only way to do that is to interview him…or at least to concoct an interview in my mind:


#5: Dick, thanks for being here.

Grieco: My pleasure. You should really think about trimming your eyebrows. You know, really getting them down to a nice racing stripe.

#5: When I’m out on the streets talking to the people, the one question on everybody’s mind is, “When is Grieco going to drop If Looks Could Kill II on us?”

Grieco: (chuckling) I know, I know. Look, you can’t just crank out a sequel to a picture like that.

#5: It’s been 15 years.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: Talk to me about Die, Die, Die.

Grieco: What can you say about Evigan? “My Two Dads,” right? With the Judge?

#5: Did---

Grieco: She was tough but fair, you know?

#5: Yes. Yes she was.

Grieco: (crying) Why do the great ones always die so young?

#5: She was like 80.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: OK. I’m going to throw out some words and phrases, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Grieco: Pudding!

#5: Um…Let’s start now---

Grieco: Pudding is fucking awesome!

#5: Yeah. OK. Johnny Depp.

Grieco: Damn handsome.

#5: Book of Days.

Grieco: Incendiary.

#5: The Legend of Samhain.

Grieco: Cocaine.

#5: Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Grieco: Road head from a Polynesian circus freak on the way to the set of a softcore starring three mimes and my agent’s nephew…or A Night at the Roxbury.

#5: What’s next?

Grieco: Great American novel. It’s about a family dealing with drought and poverty in the Dust Bowl during the Depression. That. And werewolves. There’s lots of werewolves.

#5: Grieco.

Grieco: (pause) Son. Brother. Warrior. Lover. King. All of us.

#5: Wow. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

Grieco: No problem. So, are there gonna be strippers or what?

The Votes Are In: Resultathon II: The Reckoning

Thanks to all of you who cast your vote and helped me decide which movie to move to the top of my Netflix list. If you didn't vote, you can still check out the descriptions to see what you passed on, and you can curse yourself for the rest of your days for missing out on such an incredible opportunity.

Face the Evil: No Contest II: Access Denied starring the great Lance "Bishop" Henriksen came out on top. However, I am intrigued by all of the other films on the list, so those of you who voted for The Ape and Revenge of the Red Baron should not despair, for those pictures shall find a home on GIK some day. Just as I did last time we had the Netflix vote, I can only assume that you have all seen Point Doom starring Grieco (and Dice Clay) and that's why it received no votes, because seriuosly that's twice now that Grieco has been shut out on a site named in his honor. Although, come to think of it, that somehow makes him even more Grieco in my eyes.

Just a note: Today is GIK's 100th post. Soon, we will celebrate with a bold look back and a bolder look forward. Thank you all for keeping this thing going for so long.