Hang Your Head in Shame (Part II)

You can all exhale. I know you’ve been waiting. Here are the final 5 of the 10 worst performances of all time.

Worst Onscreen Freakout
Renee Zellweger – Empire Records – I believe the slightly reptilian/I-look-like-I-just-sucked- on-a-lemon Renee Zellweger is a highly overrated actor, what with her various awards and nominations. She is a good Texas girl, though, so I try to take it easy on her. However, her yelling and panting “vitamins, and drugs, and babble-babble” freakout on Liv Tyler in the little-seen Empire Records is just impossible to watch. It would be incoherent even if Renee could open her mouth wide enough to actually pronounce words.

On a personal note: One of the main kids in Empire Records is from my hometown, and he was the desire of all of my female friends when I was a kid. God, how I hate him.

Worst Performance by a Chick I Used to Have A Crush On
Elisabeth Shue – The Saint – Liz, from the first time I saw you in Adventures in Babysitting and The Karate Kid I knew we would be together. Your innocent beauty and slightly nerdy persona were enough to keep me going back to the theater time and time again. Things got a little weird between us when you stepped into the role of Jennifer for Back to the Future II & III, but even through that horrible wig they made you wear, I could still see the girl of my dreams. Time passed, I grew up, you won some awards for that whore/drunk piece…and then you did The Saint. This movie is destined for the GIK Hall of Fame, and your performance is so bad it inspired my friends and I to start a drinking game based on it (more on this in a future post). Your short-of-breath “my heart” monologue and the part where you get on your knees and eat a pill out of Kilmer’s hand like you’re some kind of animal are just plain stunning. You sadden me, Liz, and you make me long for the days when all you had to do was sing “And Then He Kissed Me” in front of a mirror or party with Macchio on the beach to get me going.

Worst Display of Onscreen Drunkenness
Heath Ledger – The Brothers Grimm – One of the most common lessons they throw your way in theatre school is never “play drunk” when you are supposed to be drunk onstage or onscreen, because it lacks subtlety and truth. Apparently, Academy Award nominee, Heath Ledger, was absent from class that day, or maybe he was just busy banking on the 1-Grieco-at-most, A Knight’s Tale (How dare you piss on the work of Chaucer! I leapt up on that man’s tomb for godssake). Anyway, to the shock of all of my friends, I was fired up to see Gilliam’s take on the Brothers Grimm. Well, my friends were right. As soon as Ledger put ale to mouth and started stumbling around like the wacky, sad drunk on some horrible “very special episode” of “Growing Pains,” things got ugly fast. Ledger was so bad he made Damon look like Hoffman (Dustin or Phillip Seymour).

Worst Performance of All Time that Somehow Doesn’t Ruin the Rest of the Film
Andie MacDowell – Four Weddings and a Funeral – When Andie MacDowell speaks the words, “Is it raining? I hadn’t noticed,” at the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral, it is possibly the most horrid thing ever uttered by a human woman. MacDowell has the pizzazz of a cardboard box and the acting chops of that damn kid who played Kimmy on “Full House.” Despite all of this, Hugh Grant’s boyish charm and my own innate sappiness still make Four Weddings one of my favorite romantic comedies.

Worst Affront to the Mentally Challenged
Cuba Gooding, Jr. – Radio – “Young man by the name of Radio. ‘S gonna help us out.”
There is almost nothing I can say about this shameless display. I know Cuba probably wanted another award, you know to follow up the whole “Show me the money!” fiasco, but his portrayal of “Wadio” just can’t even be talked about. Mostly because I couldn’t make it through the movie. In fact, I leave this, our true worst performance of all time, in the capable hands of frequent-reader, The Ghost of Gene Siskel, who actually had the balls to watch this piece of shit from start to finish. TGOGS, please leave a comment or come onboard for a guest appearance to give us your take on this travesty.

Just so you know, I have almost defeated The Man, and I should be able to return to a more regular posting schedule next week. I also want to thank Sherpa again for all of her help on this post, and if you haven’t read the comments left by the esteemed Kev anf the aforementioned TGOGS, you should. I have pasted them below. Keep it Grieco, y’all.

I offer an additional contender:Worst Performance By An Alien/Human Hybrid: Shelley Duvall in The Shining. I just wasn't buying into Madame Wet Noodle Arms waving that knife so unconvincingly... Kev