Mr. Poe. My Drink, Please.

King Kong garnered a lot of attention over the holiday season. Some people focused on the badass giant ape vs. giant dinosaur stuff, others were more concerned with the touching love story between a CGI gorilla and a hot blonde, and still others, such as myself, questioned why they chose to drink absinthe for the first time before attending a 3-hour+ movie. Perhaps the loudest voices in the Kong discussions, though, belonged to those who were trying to figure out why the movie wasn’t performing as well at the box office as everyone thought it would. Look, I loved Kong. Sure, they could have spent like 20 minutes less on that damn boat, and yeah, that scene on the frozen pond was a little much, but those are not the reasons it didn’t break opening-weekend records. Kong didn’t live up to its financial expectations, because it forgot what the people want to see; Dudes in monkey suits.

Congo
Please tell me you’ve seen Congo. It is one of the best non-Grieco Grieco films of all time, and it might have the greatest cast ever assembled. I won’t name them now, so you can read in wide-eyed wonderment as their names pop up.

Congo opens with Bruce Campbell doing his best “Ash” impression as he strolls through the jungle and contacts Laura Linney in Houston to demonstrate how the flawless blue diamond he found can be used in some sort of awesome new laser. They end transmission, and Campbell heads off to a place-that-time-forgot where he is promptly attacked. Back in Houston, Joe Don Baker shows up doing his best Joe Don Baker impression. He and Linney use a remote link to connect to Campbell. The camera goes on, and we see that Campbell is gone and that his team has been torn apart. Then, a beast attacks the camera, and Linney and JDB are left horrified. (note: I was really hoping something like this would happen when the Mars Rover landed. You know, just like a claw, a howl, and then static.) Anyway, it is decided that Linney will go to the jungle in search of Campbell and the perfect diamond he found.

Cut to Berkley. A scientist is teaching, wait for it, a dude in a monkey suit. Yes! He is working with a gorilla named Amy that uses sign language, which is then processed through a Hawkingesque device, allowing her to talk. Only, instead of sounding like Hawking, the gorilla sounds like a small girl, and instead of working on a unified theory, she says stuff like “Amy. Pretty.” and “Amy. Good Gorilla.” It turns out Amy wants to go home to the jungle, and her scientist friend wants to help her, but he needs some money to pull it off. Enter Tim Curry doing the most bizarre “Romanian” accent ever heard. Seriously, it rivals whatever the hell Voight is doing in Anaconda. Alright, the scientist, the gorilla, and Curry arrive at the airport where they are met by Linney. She shells out some dough and joins the expedition. When the group arrives in Africa, they are met by Joe “Joey Pants” Pantoliano who takes a real risk by playing a smug, street-smart guy. Explosions and political commentary erupt, and everyone (sans Joey Pants) gets on another plane where they are joined by Ernie Hudson doing this awesome pseudo-British hunter voice. After parachuting out of the plane (yes, the gorilla parachutes with some help from Hudson), they land in the jungle, and we find out that Curry is really in search of a lost city that I think is called Zinge, but I have no idea, because you can only understand like every three words Tim says. Then, some natives show up and do their requisite chanting. Amy the gorilla eventually leads them to the lost city (Curry knew she would), they find Campbell’s dead body, a marauding band of rabid dudes in monkey suits descends upon them, and Curry gets killed without so much as a “Just look out!” or “Oh, Rocky!” Amidst the sheer chaos and strain on your suspension of disbelief, quick-witted Linney grabs a diamond from Campbell’s cold dead hand, fires up that laser thing from the beginning of the movie, and eradicates the dudes in monkey suits. A volcano starts to erupt, causing everyone to flee. Amy the gorilla saves her scientist friend, and then shares a touching goodbye scene with him before she runs off with a noble grey-back she met along the way. The volcano gets worse, so Linney, the scientist, and Ernie Hudson (hell yeah, he made it!) escape in a hot air balloon. Yep. A hot air balloon. Witty banter as they drift off into the cloudy sky, and…credits.

Congo is based on a Crighton book with a screenplay by John Patrick Shanley, a man who fancies himself a great American playwright. Let me ask you this J.P., did you or good old Mikey pen the line, “I’m not a pound of sugar. I’m a primatologist,” because that’s just about the best damn piece of dialogue ever. I mean it Jo-pat-sha, you’re aces.

Despite and because of that line, Congo gets 4-Griecos (see ratings). You have to see it. It’s like watching an episode of “Xena," but one where only a couple of people are in on the joke. I do suggest you fast forward through the establishing shots, though. You know, just to keep things moving. I mean, we don’t want this picture dragging on like Kong or anything.


Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of "Full House" on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.