Monday, December 17, 2007

HOME STALLONE

TGOGS, like brave Patroclus, has picked up the armor of Grieco, and gone into battle. Thank you valiant TGOGS.

In honor of #5’s heroic journey into the pits of insanity, I undertook a tributary Grieco post by watching four Stallone pictures in 48 hours. If I were truly heroic, I’d have done it in 24, but it didn’t occur to me to do so until day two.

Before I get going, let me just say that the Grumpy Santa tour has been a consistent source of delight, pity, schadenfreude and jaw-dropping wonder thus far, and it’s only 2/3 over. Though I truly fear for Numero Cinquo’s mental and physical safety, and that of those around him, I exalt him for this Herculean endeavor.

So I got this Stallone sampler DVD package at Best Buy (along with a copy of Varsity Blues). Contents: The Specialist, Over the Top, Tango & Cash, Demolition Man.

Aww yeah…

THE SPECIALIST

Mastermind behind the entire operation: Rod Steiger, whose Cuban kingpin character rivals Mickey Rooney’s beloved Chinaman with its subtlety, realism and cultural sensitivity.

AntiStallone: Jimmy Woods, who absolutely carries the picture. Pretty sure Gary Oldman watched this film a few times before he shot The Professional. Stallone and Woods were special ops or DEA or some shit, but Woods went too far and Stallone had to take him down. Now Woods is a crooked cop or FBI or some shit, working with Steiger, and he’s out to take Stallone down. And yell, and crack wise.

Love interst: Sharon Stone’s tits.

Stallone as: Ray Quick, tortured assassin trying to get out of the game. Explosives expert, the best. Mumbler. Lives in a sewer/batcave. Hates knives!

The rundown: Stone (the subtly named “Mae Monroe”) is trying to get Stallone to do a job for her. Before Sharon Stone was a wild-eyed, leathery hag, she was smoking hot. You forget sometimes. The two of them are communicating by telepathy. Or else by phone calls, the audio of which is superimposed over footage of the two of them looking sexy and pensive.

“I heard that you control your explosions, you shape your charges.”

“What I shape and who I shape it for is my business.”

He stalks/falls in love with her, and when she threatens to take on the bad guys all by herself if he won’t help, he finally agrees to do the deed. He’s gonna wipe out these four or so dudes that killed her father when she was a kid (which murder she witnessed from her hiding place in the closet, as evidenced by intermittent blue-tinted flashbacks). And wipe them out he does.

My take: The pyrotechnics are nice. Woods is doing vintage Woods. The whole explosives expert/hit man concept has all the ingredients. But the movie’s about as generic as they come. Even Stallone seems pretty bored throughout, except when he’s putting his paws on Basic Instinct’s bare flesh. There is, however, a nice lesson at the end, when Stone gleefully blows up Steiger herself: revenge killing is the best killing of all. And our heroes kiss and laugh and ride off into the sunset in a convertible.

I’m giving it: 2 ½ Griecos. Awesome and funny in all the ways one would expect, but somehow left me unfulfilled. In fact, I may have actually seen this movie before. I’ve almost forgotten it already.

OVER THE TOP

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Stallone’s past. He’s just tryin to make good.

AntiStallone: Robert Loggia, Stallone’s father-in-law, tan as all get-out. His daughter is dying and he wants custody of the grandkid.

Love interest: The heart and mind of his estranged son.

Stallone as: Lincoln Hawk, regretful trucker, arm wrestler. Mumbler. Ekes out a meager existence in his shitty old truck. Favors the suspenders/t-shirt look.

The rundown: This is an arm wrestling movie. I’m not sure what all else I need to say about it. Stallone is playing Rocky up there. His 10-year-old military school genius son hates him until Sly lets him drive the truck on the highway, then he loves him. Loggia reclaims the kid, and it looks like all is lost, until Stallone wins the big arm wrestling match with his signature move (they call it going “Over the Top”), and gets the money and the new truck and so then he gets to keep the kid. Yay!

My take: If you haven’t seen this movie, you’re really missing out. It’s one of the most absurd things ever put to film. And fully realized, at that. The kickass soundtrack features Sammy Hagar, Eddie Money, Kenny Loggins and the one and only Frank Stallone.

I’m giving it: 4 Griecos! I’m loath to do so as a guest reviewer, but this film simply demands all four. It is a triumph.

TANGO & CASH

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Jack Palance, criminal overlord of L.A. He sets up T&C, getting them behind bars and off the streets so he can run drugs and hang out in his evil genius conference room with impunity. But not for long…

The AntiStallone: The British thug, I suppose. Really, though, it’s Cash, isn’t it? Gabe Cash, the gritty, downtown yin to Tango’s slick, uptown yin. And boy, do these two yins clash, in the most homoerotic shower scene since Top Gun. Cash, as you know, is played by Kurt Russell’s hair.

Love interest: Also Cash. Too bad though, cause Cash loves Tango’s little sister, a permed-to-the-max Teri Hatcher. Uh-oh, Tango ain’t gonna like that!

Stallone as: Ray Tango, yuppie cop who’s in it for the thrill. Wildcard. Mumbler. Also, Russell mimic. When I told a pal I was going to watch this picture, he clued me into the predominant inflectory pattern used by both T&C. It goes something like this: Duh DUH...duh Duh duh Duh duh Duh…(etc.) It’s a wiseguy sort of thing. There should be a drinking game.

The rundown: Tango y Cash are superstar hotshot drug cops who compete for regular front page newspaper coverage. After Palance gets them into the stir, they spend the first half of the movie fighting for their lives and trying to break out. See, they get sent to the wrong prison, the one that houses all the toughs they ever put away, the one with flaming toilet paper raining from the sky and no prisoner supervision whatsoever. But with begrudging teamwork and sheer moxy, they bust out. Free at last, T&C set their sights on Palance, who has legions of underlings, one of whom is Russell’s personal nemesis and is played by James Hong, who also happens to portray Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China. Their explosive mission culminates in a truly ridiculous action sequence, where T&C get this Batmobile cum Hummer from Cash’s crazy underground inventor friend (Lazlo Hollyfeld meets Q (there’s also a boot-gun) ) and they take the vehicle to Palance’s lair, which is situated in the middle of a construction site, and so there’s an extended chase scene/shootout with dirt bikes, pickups, dune buggies, monster trucks and finally, heavy construction equipment. They eventually kill Palance in a nonsensical Enter the Dragon sequence, save Teri Hatcher, clear their names and high five.

My take: You’ve seen this movie, you don’t need my take.

I’m giving it: 3 ½ Griecos. Another high score. I don’t know that a film this popular really qualifies for what this site is all about, so it’s hard go gauge. Depending on how you view it, it could be a 3- or 4-Grieco movie. Add or subtract the extra half-Grieco for this film’s introduction of “F.U.B.A.R.” into the popular lexicon.


DEMOLITION MAN

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Sir Nigel Hawthorne, the corrupt leader of cultish utopia San Angeles (a.k.a. Future L.A.). Or is it a dystopia?

AntiStallone: Blonde Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix, psychopathic criminal extraordinaire.

Love interest: Sandra Bullock, prudish futurecop in a puritanical futureworld, ripe for the plucking.

Stallone as: John Spartan, pastcop, loose cannon. Mumbler. Crazy bastard with nothing to lose.

The rundown: In a somewhat post-apocalyptic 1996, Stallone busts arch-criminal Snipes, supposedly kills some innocents in the process, and they both get the Han Solo treatment. Forty years later, Hawthorn thaws out Snipes, having programmed him with secret codes and kung fu, so that Snipes can be his minion. Snipes is charged with eliminating Dennis Leary, who acts as the de facto leader of a quasi-resistance movement when he’s not busy doing tired “rant” material straight from his standup act. Hawthorne’s future-kingdom is one of liberal fascism – there’s no cussing, no booze, no smokes, no salt, no sex, no violence, constant surveillance. The cops are pussies who’ve never experienced real action. With Snipes on a rampage, there’s only one person who can take him out. So they defrost Stallone and he does just that.

My take: This film suffers from a genre identity crisis. It’s part camp (all restaurants in the future are Taco Bells), part banal social commentary (sex is performed via virtual reality, cause sex is getting too sterile, man, and it’s a slippery slope), and part run-of-the-mill cool future movie (gull-wing doors on all the cars). The banter throughout is on par with any of Stallone’s top pictures - “You’re gonna regret this for the rest of your life. Both seconds of it.” Overall, it’s a pretty big mess. For most of the movie I have no clue what they’re going for, and neither do they. Which is part of the reason I like is so much.

I’m giving it: 3 Griecos. The pseudo-Orwellian future jargon rules – seconds are called “tick tocks,” hello and goodbye are “be well,” and everyone is addressed by both first and last names (so you get to hear “John Spartan” and “Simon Phoenix” uttered over and over). Snipes has free reign to do whatever it is that Snipes does. And Stallone wears a beret.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT STALLONE

He doesn’t annunciate very well. His characters have amazing names. He can actually be natural and engaging when he’s ad-libbing, and they should let him do it more often. He’s best as a born loser or underdog type. His muscles are large, well-defined, and often oily.

Bonus trivia question: Two of these movies directly reference Rambo. Do you know which ones?

Well, that’s about enough out of me. Be well, #5, wherever you are. Be well.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice job.