Rage Not Stopped: Zombie Butchers Halloween

Spoiler Alert: This is a rare occurrence for GIK. I am going to review a movie that just came out that many of you might actually want to see, so if you don't want to know plot details of the new version of Halloween, please stop reading. However, if you would like to hear about how Robb Zombie wasted my time and kind of crapped on my favorite horror movie, please feel free to peruse the following:

Halloween
Now, I've complained about horror remakes before, but this one was different. Like many of you, I am a bit obsessed with Halloween and Michael “The Evil on Two Legs” Myers. Since I was appalled by H2O and didn't even bother to see Resurrection (as they totally ignore 4, 5, and 6), I was excited to see Halloween get back to its roots. I was also excited because people who are smarter than me tell me that Zombie is a great director. I personally couldn't make it through House of 1,000 Corpses, but Zombie has always seemed like a cool guy that I would like to party with, so I give him the benefit of the doubt.
That being said, there are moments in Halloween where you can see that the man has some true skill, but they are few and far between.

Problem 1: The Prequel
Zombie basically made the decision to turn Michael into the protagonist of the movie. While many of you will argue that Michael is the protagonist of the original series, he is not the protagonist of the original film, as that honor lies with Laurie (Jamie Lee) or Loomis if you really understand what it's all about. Because Michael is now the central figure, we are treated to what was probably 30 minutes but seemed like an hour and half of his youth. Gone is the cherub in the pristine clown costume from the original. Now, Michael is the product of a white trash fantasy. His mom is a stripper with a heart of gold, his stepfather is an abusive drunk, and everybody says fuck all the time. Michael spends his days killing small animals, getting picked on at school, wearing Kiss shirts, and covering his face with a clown mask. We see him make his first kill (the beating of a bully with a baseball bat that is more bloody and violent than the entire original movie). Now, I am no puritan, but it all seemed a little out of place in a Halloween picture.
Ultimately, the background story reduces Michael Myers (aka The Shape) into a stereotypical abused kid-turned-killer. It makes him far less intriguing, and it's a pain in the ass waiting forever for him to turn into an adult.

Problem 2: The Giant
When we finally do get to see Michael all growds up, he's a giant. Seriously, the guy playing him looks like he's 6' 7” and about 300 lbs. He looks like a damn wrestler. I mean, he even wears this homemade mask when he's at Smith's Grove, and he totally looks like that WWF (cold day in hell when I call it WWE) guy (Kane?). Again, this is just one more thing that makes him less scary. Meyers is precise and relentless. You can run, jump, hide, climb a roof. It doesn't matter, Michael is going to just keep walking after you, and you are going to die. This Michael looks like he's going to throw you into the ropes and then hit you with a chair that Bobby “The Brain” Heenan threw him on the sly.

Problem 3: Loomis
Oh, shit this is a big one. Dr. Samuel Loomis is my favorite character in the Halloween series, and one of my favorite characters of all time in anything. As played by the incomparable Donald Pleasence, Loomis is part Lear, part Ahab, and all awesome. Well, Malcom McDowell's playing flippin' Polonius up there, people. It's bullshit.
Between the long-haired hipster Loomis in the '70s and the book tour Loomis of present day, it's all crap. McDowell (whom I usually like) just isn't bringing the gravitas or the madness. It sucks. He's got nothing.

Problem 4: Blood = Scary?
There are two legitimate scares in the film, and any other frightening moments are created entirely by Carpenter's original score. There is no suspense at all in the movie, and because Laurie is reduced to basically a minor character, you don't give a shit about her or Tommy Doyle (that's Paul Rudd in Part VI, son). It's just blood and brutality and not an ounce of subtlety. In an interview, Zombie said something like he wanted to make Michael Myers scary again. Well, he failed. The sense of dread that exists in the original is nowhere to be found, and the mystery and horror of Michael have been cast aside for typical tricks that every director who wants to be Tobe Hooper seems to use. Speaking of, Halloween isn't Chainsaw, and most of the crap that's getting slung in this movie doesn't work for either anyway.

The Good
OK, now that I've gone off, let me say that there are some good things about the picture. The 15 minutes before the last 15 minutes are solid. Michael's relationship to Laurie is much more clear (Carpenter kind of let it go and tacked it on to Part II), there are some nice homages to the first (Blue Oyster Cult), and best of all, the girl who plays Jaimie in Parts IV and V plays Annie in this. She's perhaps the best child actor ever (her “Uncle Bogyman” line is a heart-breaker and her scream is unrivaled), and luckily for her she grew up to be totally hot. There are some moments that will disturb you because you think of her as a little kid, but once you realize that in real life she's only two (or one) years younger than you, you should be OK. Oh, and I kind of have a little crush on Zombie's wife (she plays Michael's mother).

That's it. I don't fault Zombie for trying, but when you take on Halloween, you better bring something to the table, as BTS and I did for our outline of what should have been Halloween 7. This picture failed me in many ways, and made me angry in many others.

CTC, I await your rebuttal.